Review by Robbie Reviews, http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/entertainment/film/797051/Iron-Man-2-12A.html
Great banter. Top performances. Stunning effects.
Problem is, that bit's about three minutes long, and comes at the end of a stupefyingly dull two hours of everything you DON'T want from an Iron Man movie.
I'll have a more fulsome filleting of Iron Man 2 in Sunday's paper and on the website, but for the time being, here's an early review...so you can't say you weren't warned.
Gnawing
The film kicks off with an embarassingly standard villain set-up.
Mickey Rourke's dad helped Iron Man's dad build some kind of prototype reactor. Mickey Rourke's dad never got any credit.
Mickey Rourke's dad dies. Mickey Rourke swears revenge on Iron Man. End of character.
The action then cuts to Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr) jumping out of a plane, in full Iron Man gear, to show off to the crowds at his technology convention.
In the trailers, this sequence involved him kissing his right-hand woman Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and jokily telling her, "You complete me."
That's now gone - limiting the chemistry between Downey and Gwyn to one out-of-nowhere kiss just before the end credits.
Maybe there was a proper romance subplot that was taken out. Maybe it's just bad writing. Either way, it doesn't work.
We then get a drawn-out tribunal scene that takes 15 minutes to sum up one basic plot point - the US military want control of the Iron Man suit.
This also introduces Tony's army pal Col Rhodes (Don Cheadle), and his arch business rival Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell).
You've heard of actors chewing the scenery? Rockwell's gnawing through it like the Tasmanian Devil got bulimia.
It's so over the top I don't even know whether it's good or bad. It's certainly stupid.
Vanko shows up in Monte Carlo and, in one of the film's two proper action scenes, he blows up Tony Stark's Formula One car.
Hammer realises he can use Vanko to build an army of super-robots, so kidnaps him and puts him to work.
Doldrums
Meanwhile, Gwyn hires a new legal whizz (Scarlett Johansson) who turns out to be a spy, codenamed The Black Widow. As an elite member of secret organisation SHIELD, it's her mission to...do almost nothing for the entire movie.
The film slumps into the doldrums early on, and truth is, it never recovers. For a film so heavy on characters, it's shamefully light on plot.
In a genius move, the storyline has Downey sitting around his house, looking bored, for the entire second act of the movie.
There's even a bit where he gets drunk and dances around in the Iron Man suit. THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN IT SOUNDS.
Eventually he gets off his backside and, for reasons I won't go into here, invents a new element. Let's call it Unexplanium.
Iron Man 2 raises the bar in one way only. Embarrassing director cameos.
Jon Favreau's playing Tony Stark's bodyguard, and shamefully he gives himself more screentime than Scarlett Johansson.
Embarrassingly, he writes himself into a scene where Scarlett wraps her legs around his neck, and ANOTHER in which he ogles her getting changed in the back of a car.
Is he any good? Let's just say he was less annoying in Couples Retreat.
Finally the film drags itself to its big finish, and we get a good three minutes of stunningly-rendered action that's a total joy to watch.
But it's a textbook case of too little, too late.
Iron Man 2's going to be popular - there's nowt I can do about that - but anyone with half a brain will be sorely disappointed.
The first film was hailed as the goose that laid the golden egg.
This'll be remembered as the time Jon Favreau not only killed the goose that laid the golden eggs, but plucked it, roasted it, ate it with two veg and gravy, then burped in fans' faces for two hours straight.
*Seen this movie? Tell me your thoughts on Twitter: www.twitter.com/robbiereviews
IRON MAN 2 IS IN UK CINEMAS ON FRIDAY.
-The review is from Robbie Collin, a reporter for the News of the World newspaper in the UK.
Nicholsy: Why won't any review include the god dam after credits scene!?!