A long time from now, Garth Ennis will be remembered as the man who bestowed us with/inflicted upon us The Preacher. Some – alright, me - might say he has written better (Hitman, Punisher MAX, Battlefields, Crossed), but he has not written anything richer. It’s a book about friendship, about loyalty, love, the true meaning of being a man, and about America. There is also some stuff about a guy with an ass for a face and wacky German with a penis-looking head.
It tells the story of a southern preacher, imbued with the power to have others obey his verbal commands, as he travels America in the company of a hard-living Irish vampire and his hitwoman on-and-off girlfriend, in search of god, for they have a score to settle.
It is at times heartbreaking, heartwarming, blood-pumping and hilarious as all get out. Sometimes it feels like a shame that it’s known as being merely blasphemous, but blasphemous it is, which has been partially responsible for it never getting adapted despite there being interest in adapting it for a long time, as an HBO TV series or a film franchise with such names as Michael Mann and recently Darren Aranfosky attached.
Still, a Preacher movie ( or series ) would, as the young people say, p’aun. Being unlikely to happen, I’ve dispensed with my usual rule of making it financially feasible and just focused on making what I would love to see.
Jesse Custer
A Presbyterian-Baptist reverend and old fashioned manly tough guy infused with the offspring of a demon and an angel that grants him “the word of god”, the ability to compel anyone to do what he tells them to do.
Rufus Sewell is who I though of the first time I read the series. Johnny Depp’s agent will probably not let him risk his bankability by taking part is such a controversial project, but it would be nice to see him in a role that’s truly out there.
Tulip O’Hare
Jesse’s girlfriend, a hitwoman of considerable prowess. They were a pair of infamous car robbers in their teens, and are reunited after years of separation at the start of our story. They are often at odds due to Tulip’s desire to be take care of herself, while Jesse is concerned with keeping her safe.
Cassidy
Jesse’s new best friend, a hard-drinking, fun-loving Irish vampire. Completely devoid of angst or sparkles, but with a hidden darker self.
Herr Starr
A former German special forces soldier and second in command of the secret society known as The Grail, who protect the bloodline of Christ and aim to save the world by orchestrating the apocalypse.
Ever since Waltz's Academy Award winning turn as suave Nazi officer Colonel Landa in Inglourious Basterds, he's been a regular fan cast darling. He was a leading choice to play the Red Skull and he's currently many fans' ideal for a rebooted Doctor Doom and probably others.
It is true, If not for the Basterds, I'd probably never have heard of him, but I truly believe that if ever there was a comic book character Christoph Waltz was born to play, it is Herr Starr. Whoever would play Starr would have to be able to be intimidating one minute, then ridiculous the next, before going back to being intimidating and be believable about it.
Does that sound familiar?
The Saint of Killers
The patron saint of murder and assassinations. He’s been a bloodthirsty Confederate soldier, a bounty hunter and the grim goddamn reaper. But for some time in the middle of all that, he was a loving family man.
I'm not a fan of athletes crossing into acting. That goes double so for wrestlers, but still…. Undertaker has the same build and height, and he's been doing the undead walking personification of death schtick for twenty years now, which tells us he'd probably like to do it. Hell, he won't even have to learn the accent.
Arseface
A teenager who botched his suicide his suicide – trying to emulate his idol Kurt Cobain – and was left deformed, with his mouth becoming sphincter like.
This partly due to my choice of director seen below. I don’t know how Arseface would be portrayed as the death of Kurt Cobain seriously dates him.
The Duke
Jesse’s imaginary friend, who/which acts like the onscreen persona of film legend John Wayne. He definitely isn’t Wayne, as he was still alive when the Duke first appeared to Jesse, but some believe he is actually the spirit of Jesse’s father.
This would be pretty easy to cast, really. What you need is a guy who can sound like John Wayne. There’s guys who do that for a living, Keith doesn’t, but he definitely looks the part and sounds close enough. With some training, he could get Marion’s signature drawl down pat.
John and Christina
Jesse’s Custer’s parents.
John Custer was a Marine who’d served in Vietnam. Christina L’Angelle was anf anti-war hippy. Their first meeting wasn’t the start of a typical love story, but fell in love they did, had a baby and they all lived happily together. For a time.
Jesse is said to look like his father, so Sewell it is. I’d still like Sewell even if Depp played him Jesse, though.
Geena Davis could look like the aging Christina with some makeup, and she could look like young hippy Christina with the same. And she’d be wicked hot at both. I’m sorry to be crude, but “Mother, may I?”
Marie L’Angelle
Jesse’s grandmother. An evil, vile old crown that’ll make your skin crawl by existing.
…
I got nothing. Seriously, I don’t want to know who could play her. I’m scared of doing the research.
I’m thinking animatronics.
Jody and TC
A pair of psycho nutjobs who worked for Custer’s grandmother.
TC is perversion incarnate. If it has a hole, TC will screw it. If it don’t have a hole, he’ll make a hole, and then he’ll screw it.
Jody is a tough, sadistic old bastard who has no shred of decency in him.
Featherstone and Hoover
Two members of the Grail who were embroiled in a takeover perpetrated by Starr.
Featherstone is Starr’s adjutant and is a bit in love with him.
Hoover is rather inept, a good guy, really, which makes him Starr’s butt monkey.
D’Aronique
The highest member of the Grail. A bullemic, incredibly obese Frenchman and a distant relative of Jesse.
Jones would be in a The Blob-like suit, natch.
Jesus DeSade
A hedonist Los Angeles millionaire known for indulging in every sexual imaginable, and a couple others that aren’t.
Bob Glover & Freddy Allen, Sexual Investigators
A pair of do-anything-that-moves sexual deviants who founded the world’s first sexual investigation agency.
Bob buggers. Fred fellates. They fight crime.
I originally had another British comedy duo in mind, which I’ll share later. Anyway, Pegg and Frost would no doubt be honored, as anyone intimate Spaced fans know Pegg is a Preacher fan.
Odin Quincanon
A Klansman and corrupt owner of a meatpacking factory that dominates the small town of Salvation, Texas.
Miss Oatlash
A deluded Nazi apologist Quincanon’s lawyer. She’s also into S&M.
Deputy Cindy Dagget
The only Deputy Sherriff in the town of Salvation who is later promoted to Sherriff.
Spaceman
A Vietnam veteran who served with John Custer, who he affectionately referred to as Tex. It was for helping a wounded Spaceman across one hundred klicks of enemy territory to reach the nearest US Army outpost and bringing him under fire that John Custer was awarded the Medal of Honor.
Like Pegg, Sam Jackson is a Preacher fan and has expressed wanting to play the Saint. I don’t think he’s right for that part, though.
Johnny Lee Wombat
The one thing JLW wanted was to be an astronaut. When he realized he never could do it, he spent ten years getting the world - and those off it – to know how he felt.
Johnny Lee is often overlooked in fan casts or anytime people talk about the series
Don’t know why. He’s my favorite character aside from the Duke and the Saint.
The Angel and the Demon
The parents of the being called Genesis.
PS. One of the above is meant as a joke.
The Almighty
You know the guy.
I think the best way, the most effective way is through Uncanny Valley. Case you don’t recognize the term, it partly refers to CGI that closely resembles actual real life, but is still noticeably off so it is very unsettling. See Final Fantasy for example.
That’s what you need, for the big guy to be scary and creepy even while he’s trying to seem loving and compassionate, and then of course he goes red.
As for the voice, it should be pretty over the top and theatrical. And who is more over the top than that giant of Albion, the good Mr. Brian Blessed?
Every fans wishes Rodriguez directed their favorite comic book. I’d love it if he did this not because he’d do it panel-for-panel – I’d rather he didn’t, but that’s just me – but due to the great Western influence in his body of work.
So there it is, a Frank Garret fan cast of The Preacher. Next up is The Dark Knight Returns. Ten characters played by ten actors five of whom have played CBM roles in the past coming up! But before I go, here was my original choice for the sexual investigators.
Heck, I’d watch a movie solely focusing on Allen and Glover if these guys did it.