The long delayed G.I. Joe: Retaliation is the second attempt in recent years to bring G.I. Joe once again to the forefront of popular culture. Films like this that operate under the Hasbro toy banner have a history of receiving lukewarm responses from audiences and yet despite this still draw in a considerable box office take. This continues to surprise movie-goers and critics alike, especially considering they are the cinematic equivalent of someone setting off a firecracker next to your eye.
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That being said G.I. Joe: Retaliation certainly fairs better than anything Hasbro that has come before it. The likeable leading man in Dwayne Johnson alone takes this film well beyond anything we’ve seen in any recent Transformers iteration. However at the same time this movie is a complete non-event.
The story picks up shortly after the first, with the Joes lead by Channing Tatum established again as being the go to guys if you want something not only done well, but done as flashy as possible. His team consisting of The Rock’s Roadblock, Snake Eyes, Jinx, Flint, Tim from Jurassic Park and Lady Jaye find themselves double crossed and leaderless when an imposter in the White House sets the wheels in motion for Cobra to try their hand at world domination.
This film very much belongs to The Rock. After Channing Tatum’s departure after fifteen minutes of establishing himself and his thick necked friend as total best buds forever, it’s up to The Rock’s Roadblock to clear what’s left of his teams name and stop Cobra from destroying the world using satellites. Because as you know, every third satellite in all these kind of movies is a ridiculous city melting super weapon, for some reason.
To its credit GI Joe Retaliation is at peace with what it is, an over the top, unintelligent, loud, flashy, karate, explosion bonanza. Anyone who’s seen any shred of the material for this film knows this already, it’s unapologetic in every sense of the word. Because of this it’s has some decent cinematic moments including some pretty stand out action scenes - including one involving ninja’s swinging about on the side of a mountain and some occasional moments of humour and brevity that aren't without merit.
Despite this, it is in no way a good movie. Its falls down quite a lot for a number of reasons, including the fact that despite claiming to be a reinvention of the franchise it is still a direct sequel to the first. Yet those two films don’t really line up in any way. Take Cobra Commander for example. Cobra Commander becomes Cobra Commander in the final act of Rise of Cobra, he puts on a mask and goes ‘hey, I'm the boss now, believe it.’ He’s then captured and imprisoned, immediately.
This film kicks off with him still very much in captivity, incapacitated entirely, and yet he has this entire Cobra army at his beck and call. Do they blindly follow whoever wishes to claim themselves leader? What kind of dense paramilitary are we dealing with here? But then again not a lot of things here do makes sense, from a motorbike made entirely of explosives, to heat gloves designed to stealthily melt through a wire fence. You know what else stealthily gets though a wire fence? Wire cutters, but with the added benefit of not giving off noise and light.
Also Retaliation has one of my least favourite movie clichés of all time in it, as in where two characters meet and they pretend like they don’t know each other or are old enemies. Then they go ‘AAAAAHHHHHH we’re just messing around audience, we’re old friends!’ Tension resolved. The last time a scene like that worked was in 1980 between Han Solo and Lando.
Even the ending of this film is a bizarre affair, Bruce Willis congratulates the team on their efforts, and claims they should be proud, job well done, you did it. I wanted to interject by saying - let me tell you guys something, you did NOT do it! Remember how everyone in London was obliterated? There should be no medals or celebrating because everyone in London is dead.
All that aside I can honestly say G.I. Joe: Retaliation…is…a movie. It’s completely inoffensive and if you’re into your Battleship/Transformers/Expendables type movie then go see it, it’s entertaining enough. For everybody else maybe rent it or just don’t see it at all, I have no strong feelings either way.
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