Hard to believe such talent can be put to such waste.
I just finished watching GI JOE: Rise of Cobra not 45 minutes ago. And I must say that this movie just doesn't have the chops.
I walked into the theater with the reviews of a hundred angry nerds festering in my mind. And I have learned not to take all of them seriously. I can say that some of the opinions posted on this site were a little overzealous in their descriptions. Not to mention that I just finished reading the novel of the film mere minutes before I walked into the theater.
I didn't have high hopes for this movie because just this morning, a friend of mine, whose opinion I trust, warned me with extreme prejudice not to see this film.
Am I calling this a horrible movie? Certainly not! There are worse movies out there. Cough! Dragonball! Cough! But I am saying that this was a wasted opportunity. I never grew up on the TV shows nor did I ever read the comics but I did look it up online weeks prior to Cobra's release.
As an adaptation, the filmmakers skewered some of the mythology. Like when did Ripcord and Scarlett ever get together? But of course, a bad adaptation doesn't always mean a bad movie. Look at the Harry Potters.
But as a movie, this film generally doesn't deliver. This is because of a few reasons: (1) Acting, (2) story, and (3) effects. These parts are essentially crucial in a film about a covert paramilitary operation.
(1) Acting:
Whenever a filmmaker casts a movie, they usually scout for chemistry. Unfortunately, these actors seem to have NONE! Look at Duke and the Baroness. There are all of these chances to make the scene tense or OTT emotional, but instead Tatum deadpans while Miller shifts her glasses and smiles.
And the one thing people are complaining about the most was what kept my attention throughout the movie: the comedy of Marlon Wayans. He is in his element when he can crack wise and flirt with a girl who isn't interested. Some of his moments, and there were a few, kept me entertained while enduring Tatum's wooden performance. Tatum seriously reminds me of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker.
(2) Story
The story was a simple one: keep the bad guys from using nano-mite warheads to rule the world. But the story became convoluted when the writers deemed it necessary to add as many back stories as they could into a movie that is less than two hours long.
Another problem I had was the pacing. Fight sequences were as fast as they come and awesome to boot. But when it got to the personal emotional part, time slowed down to a crawl. I honest to God thought I saw a snail whisper "Is it almost over?" These scenes lead back to my argument about the lack of chemistry.
(3) Effects
The effects of this movie ranged from "Holy Crap! That Looks So REAL!!!!" to "Good lord! The Mortal Kombat Movies looked better!" You see, I like consistency in the movies I see. This film didn't have any. The Paris chase scene was freakin' awesome, the water assault mission, was mediocre, but what really steamed my cortex was Destro's mask! The second King Kong Movie looked more real than that piece of crap!
Don't get me wrong, there were some shining moments. Any scene with Snake Eyes was a jewel. Dennis Quaid was not half bad as Hawk and Zartan was cool minus the lack of screen time.
This movie was the most disappointing film this year. I am hoping that if they make a sequel, that they fix the pacing, edit the effects better, and get some actual acting going on or this franchise won't ever make a dime.
Acting: 4/10
Story: 5.5/10
Effects: 5/10
Overall Score: 4.83 out of 10
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Wadey09
8/9/2009