Kick-Ass 2
While I did enjoy the original, I clearly saw why the film was also hated by a huge chunk of people as well: the film's utterly, relentlessly violent and it tries to make it all fun and games at points, especially with Hit-Girl, but it just hurts watching at times and it goes to show that less is often times so much more. Things that can be left to the imagination are arguably even more haunting than the things that are shown (case in point: some of what transpires in The Walking Dead, which is left to our imagination, is even more haunting than what they actually reveal to the viewer), that's a lesson that this dreadful mess could have taken into account. Some cast and crew members blame Jim Carrey's public disapproval of the film as a result of its poor box-office take, others blame online piracy, but they should wake up and smell the maple-nut crunch: the responsibility was on them to deliver a good enough follow-up to the original, and they didn't, because the film was a jarring mess in terms of character and tone. For example, one scene in the film depicts the Mother[fudge]r's bodyguard getting killed off. This is supposed to show the young kid how essential cruelty is and, with a snap of the fingers, he's a complete evil-doer, but he's still equipped with bottom-of-the-barrel one-liners? The film clearly has its bright spots, Jim Carrey is fantastic as Colonel Stars and Stripes, and the film tries its best to have a heart (which it does at various points), but the violence is so mean-spirited and the humour is so pointless that it makes the film out to be a dull, petty remake of the much superior original (Mark Strong made the original something special, a good hero is only as good as their villain, Strong delivered while McLovin tried too hard). 1.5/5
Iron Man 2
The worst film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far. Sure, Robert Downey Jr. is great, and so is Mickey Rourke to a certain extent, their face-to-face encounter during the racing scene in particular was intense and the scene following soon after between them was riddled with tension and pathos, but this is another example of too much of a good thing. While Downey was the saving grace of the original, in this sequel, I found him to be absolutely detestable, not to mention absurdly wreck-less to boot. Sure, his identity reveal at the end of the first instalment was wreck-less, but that's just Tony, he wants people to know he's Iron Man because he doesn't want to carry that extra baggage of having to keep a secret identity and all that mumbo-jumbo. In this one, however, he takes his wreck-less nature to new heights when he nearly kills his best friend (Rhodey) over nothing but being a drunken idiot, it's an absurd scene to endure and the fact that it's played for laughs is equally absurd. The story's your typical, cookie-cutter Marvel plot-line, fitted with their most generic final battle EVER. "You lose"? Yeah, we who paid money to see a good film did indeed "lose" because this film was lifelessly edited and only had a few good scenes to try to mend the wounds (the scene with Tony's father was rather well-done, and the Monaco race/fight sequence was stunning, but too bad it's the only good fight scene in the entire movie, surely audiences would love to see a bunch of mindless drones be blown away for the sake of having an action scene at the end), which it didn't. Iron Man 2 made me question whether or not I would still be able to enjoy seeing Downey in this role, but, thankfully, The Avengers and Iron Man 3 put that notion to rest. 2/5
Superman Returns
Do you like watching crops and land? Well then this is the movie for you, because it seems like the majority of the film's budget went to making that farm area which is supposed to be Smallville in the film, yet it only appears in the film for about 15-20 minutes to show us a useless flashback of Super-Jumping Clark, what... a... waste. Lex has a brilliant master plan too: make a Kryptonite island to kill Superman and make some hard-earned money off of selling the nearly impossible to live on rock-estate as well! Wow, what a genius idea! It's not like he could have done that BEFORE Superman... returned. No, of course not, that would make this film "smart", maybe even potentially good by the end. Instead of an intelligent take on Superman, we get a flimsy, flatline-inducing Superman film that has no punch (at all), while it pretentiously tries to ride off the success of the original two Superman films. It simply fails. In spite of Frank Langella's great performance, some cool rescue scenes, and a great Lex Luthor performance by Kevin Spacey, this film is far too dull and pointless to endure. Oh yeah, and James Marsden... 2/5
X-Men: The Last Stand
"I'd rather be second fiddle to Superman, dick."
Here we have the polar opposite of Superman Returns, a film that is TOO action-packed to the point where it doesn't know that it's completely lost its audience due to a list of jarring character developments and an overall lack of a soul. If you like this film, good for you, but, if you're like me, and you hate this movie, you probably already know the usual laundry list of complaints: Cyclops gone/dead/whatever, lame Dark Phoenix, too much Wolverine, too much Storm, too much action, too depressing, and the list goes on and on. However, the biggest tactical error that this miserable rubbish makes is killing off Professor Xavier within the first hour... it's literally a punch to the gut, and instead of becoming a serious revenge-driven film about avenging him, it becomes a wish-washy melodrama with Wolverine conflicted about whether or not he can actually kill Jean Grey. This is by far the worst X-Men film ever, quite possibly the worst comic-book film ever, and I would gladly watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine again ANY DAY over this bore. Seriously though, who thought it'd be a good idea to kill Professor Xavier right away like that? If this were to have been a better film, Magneto would have had a much stronger reaction to his best, seemingly only friend in the world dying in the most brutal way imaginable, but of course not. This is Brett Ratner and [poop]y screenwriters we're talking about here. That is an image that I can never get out of my mind, and I kind of hate how the new movie just glosses right over it like it was nothing, the scene was disturbing, and overall it proved to be absolutely pointless in the overarching storyline that they were (I guess) "trying" to tell. Despite all of the great things going for the film, the opening with Angel severing his wings, and the amazing performance by Kelsey Grammar as Beast, it's all too depressing to even remotely give a damn. I despise this movie the more I see/think about it, it's garbage. 1/5
Elektra
Daredevil, the film, was saved by its director's cut, but this film was just dead on arrival. Despite a great opening action scene, maybe not "great", but a good action sequence nevertheless (similar to Ninja Assassin, but that opening was far better, way more over-the-top and violently delightful), this film quickly delves into daytime TV story-lines mixed with poor performances (that little girl is one of the worst actresses ever) and bad CGI. Jennifer Garner tries her best to make this something enjoyable, and her commitment shows in the stunt-work she dives into, and her quieter scenes (like the opener) speak more about the character than the dialogue ever does. All-in-all, there isn't much to say about this film, it's dry, it's forgettable, but it's not offensive, it didn't make me angry like X-Men: The Last Stand, it just made me tired. I'd highly recommend this film to anyone suffering from insomnia. 1.5/5
Catwoman
I feel bad for Halle Berry when it comes to these comic-book movies. It always feels like they give her the short end of the stick. In X-Men, she has one of the stupidest lines ever:
"You know what happens to a toad that gets struck by lightning? Same thing happens to everything else." WHAT!?
In X2, she only has one good scene with Nightcrawler aboard the... X-Wing? In X-Men: The Last Stand, they make her this hateful being for no logical reason (maybe she woke up on the wrong side of the bed every morning?) and it completely contradicts the scenes she shared with Nightcrawler! In Days of Future Past, she gets killed off (twice, if I recall). And now, finally, we're down to Catwoman, a coming-of-age comedy about a bi-polar weirdo who decides that she wants to become a cat woman because she was "killed" and wants revenge against Sharon Stone for not telling her what happens after the ending of Basic Instinct. She has a friend who likes chocolate (a lot) and a cop who is not very smart, he's so dumb that he can't tell that the girl he's dating is clearly Catwoman (even though she sounds and looks exactly the same as her alter-ego, minus the lingerie-outfit). They also play basketball together. The film is so thought-provoking that it actually reaches new heights in terms of filmmaking and storytelling alike, Uwe Boll would be proud. 1/5
Batman & Robin
Like Catwoman, this is more of a comedy/commercial (for things like toys and video games) than an actual movie. It's ridiculous in every way and it makes the equally bad previous instalment look like gold when being compared. The film is hard to watch because it's almost unbearable the amount of puns and one-liners that are hammered in throughout, the constant use of neon light-shows is nauseating, the story is all over the place, and the script is probably the worst ever written for a comic-film. Still, despite all the glaring flaws, the film seems to get better with age (and, by that, I mean with a grain of salt), the Alfred scenes are still great and Arnold Schwarzenegger looks really scary as Mr. Freeze whenever he's not talking (which he does most of the time anyway, so it's tough to get intimidated by him playing a clown, but the make-up around his face and eyes are great, and the suit he wears is pretty intricate). As a comedy, it's a 2 out of 5, as a film, it's probably a 1 out of 5 because, visually, it can be fun to watch at times (I still kind of enjoy the opening chase sequence with the rocket, it would have been even better as a film if they had killed off Robin, giving Batman more of an incentive for stopping Mr. Freeze, plus Alfred should have died as well since he had his whole "you can't cheat death" speech, but, then again, this was just a toy commercial). 1.5/5
The Crow: City of Angels
No, for your information, I have not seen Wicked Prayer, I actually refuse to waste my time. Unless a group of friends pulled me aside to watch it, maybe then I'd give it a shot, but just from the images I've seen and the reviews themselves, I can clearly see that it's nothing special. But, with this, however, I feel the need to talk about this one because it definitely deserves more attention than that obvious [poop] stain. Though this film probably isn't any better or worse than Wicked Prayer, it's got a lot of things going for it: visually, the film is stunning and it tells its story more so through images as opposed to its often times cringe-worthy dialogue, Vincent Perez is great as Ashe/The Crow, but he's not given enough time to flesh out his character, the cameos from Tom Jane and Deftones are fun, and the climax of the film is arguably better than the first instalment's in terms of fright and suspense (despite ending it with a cheesy CGI/bird effect that just does not work at all). The script was written by David S. Goyer, and the film's director, Tim Pope, happily filmed it according to what was on paper... however, the studio, Miramax, decided at last minute that this wasn't "their vision". So they hired another editor and spliced together "their cut", which is absolutely abysmal when all of the deleted material is taken into account (a whole back-story is missing, similar to what happened with Daredevil). If any film deserves a director's cut, no film deserves it more than this one. As a kid, I still have images of the PPV version lingering in my head, and what I remember was a much more visceral, sombre experience that felt like the perfect sequel to The Crow. The studios may talk their heads off about remaking The Crow, but I think the fans would rather see a director's cut of the original, along with a director/writer's cut of The Crow: City of Angels, the writer, Goyer, is afterall partially responsible for what is probably the best trilogy in comic-adaptation history: The Dark Knight Trilogy. So, with that said, I think a new, extended cut of the film should be priority No. 1 for Miramax or whoever the hell owns the rights now. The Crow: Salvation was a pretty good film, so I don't see much of a need to re-edit that one, even though The Crow's a classic, there are still a couple of deleted parts that I'd like to see filled back into their rightful place. 2/5
Batman Forever
As a kid, I enjoyed this movie. It was just stupid enough, action-packed enough, and smart enough to sustain my interests. But, with being much older and wiser now, I can't help but absolutely hate this movie for how ridiculously stupid it is, despite the good intentions from the cast and filmmakers. Some people may roll their eyes when they read "good intentions", but I think it was in everyones' best interests to make a film that was much more toned-down than Burton's previous instalment. This one is dark enough to satisfy parents, while being light and funny enough to satisfy children. The circus scene with Robin and his family saving the crowd from the bomb was handled very well and the Batman/Robin dynamic worked wonderfully by the end of the film. But you're only as good as your villain(s)... in this case, both Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones are undeniably bad in their roles. It could be argued that Carrey was inspired by the original Riddler actor from the 60s TV series (Frank Gorshin), but that's no excuse. This role was no different from The Mask or Ace Ventura roles that he previously portrayed, so it's really boring trying to endure the same thing for a third (or fourth) time in a row from this overrated comedian. However bad Carrey is, nobody can top a money-hungry, phoning-it-in Tommy Lee Jones, who, after winning an Oscar for The Fugitive, slowly started to give up trying in films and instead resorts to mirroring his opposing actors. He's a puppet to Carrey, laughing at every "joke" he has to spew, he's obnoxious and annoying in this film, and he definitely drags it down a couple of feet thanks to his enormous ego. Ugh, they really should have kept Billy Dee Williams in the role at the very least. 1.5/5
Batman Returns
As much as it pains me to end with this one, I just gotta. Ever since I was a kid, I hated this film. While I recognized the many good parts throughout, especially the performances on display (Christopher Walken is a great villain, he's often hilarious, but always menacing, too bad he's only secondary to The Penguin), I couldn't get past how cold-blooded this film was, and how mean-spirited it all felt. None of the characters felt real or authentic, they just came off as being cold and inhuman throughout, and while it worked in some cases, Walken gives the best performance in the film by far, it doesn't work in the sense that Batman is, once again, played to be this mysterious, shady-type character. You don't know Bruce Wayne, so you don't really care for what he does throughout, it worked the first-time through, but not this time. He goes out at night, fights crime, that's it, just rinse and repeat (plus, he's rich: even more of a reason not to care about him because all of his problems can, usually, be solved with a simple dollar or two, but maybe more than that). Catwoman is a fun character, but The Penguin is just downright disgusting in every regard (despite a committed performance by the great Danny DeVito). Trying to play him off as a "tragic character" doesn't do the film much favours, even when they try to shove it down your throat, it's hard to care for a guy who randomly bites a guy's nose off, and gruesomely eats raw fish right in-front of everyone. It's not profound, it's just disgusting, pure and simple. Michael Keaton is still awesome in the role, even though he has little to work with this time, Danny Elfman's still a master composer, but Tim Burton was off his rocker with this instalment. This film is a violent, heartless endeavour through-and-through and I can clearly see why Warner Bros. wanted to steer clear away from that (and a lot of families being tramautized) with their third, much safer instalment. 2/5
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FINALLY, here are some other stinkers that I didn't include because either (A) I didn't see them or (B) I don't think they're as bad as critics claim them to be (they still may be pretty bad though):
-Captain America & Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (A)
-Superman III (B), Richard Pryor was awful, but Christopher Reeves is still amazing in the role, the dual Superman and junkyard fight scene is awesome, and the climax is kind of cool in a creepy sort of way (I remember being disturbed when the woman gets taken by the computers and becomes some scary, mechinized monster; really fun scene). 3/5
-Supergirl (A)
-Howard the Duck (B), despite some awkward moments (Duck boobs and duck-girl sex included), this film is so stupid and bizarre that I actually enjoyed the hell out of it, Howard is a cool character and the effects on display during the climax are pretty awesome. 2.5/5
-Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (B), once again, Christopher Reeves is still amazing as Superman, Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor returns, and the notorious wirework fight in space is hilarious to watch (plus, keeping track of all the Radioactive Man's screams would be a great drinking game to play). 2/5
-The Punisher ('89, B), I really enjoyed this film, it's fast and effective, Dolph Lundgren is great as Frank Castle, oddly enough one of the biggest gripes I have with it is that he never wears the skull shirt (one of the most essential things to a Punisher story, and it couldn't simply fit that in, what a shame). 3.5/5
-Captain America ('90, B), the film puts a lot of weight on actor Matt Salinger's shoulders to deliver a good performance, he does, but the film is kind of boring because he doesn't have the wonderful history that comic-book Cap had, besides that though, I still like the climax of the film (Cap's got some cool one-liners throughout) and the first fight between Red Skull and Cap is actually quite terrifying and effective (too bad it's the only "Red" Skull scene we get). Also, GTA Cap is still hilarious (loved the reference to it in The Winter Solider when Black Widow asks him about stealing cars). 3/5
-The Fantastic Four ('94, A)
-The Shadow (B), I like Alec Baldwin in the film, but it reminded me too much of The Phantom (which I saw before this, even though it came out about 3 years later, and I actually preferred the film, since it was a lot more fun and the lead actor, Billy Zane, is a lot more likeable), The Shadow himself looks cool, but the love story and villain(s?) are bland and forgettable. 2/5
-Judge Dredd (B), "I AM THE LAW!" 2.5/5
-Tank Girl (A)
-Spawn (B), Michael Jai White is awesome as usual in his role as Spawn, the villains are great and the effects are great as well (minus Spawn's cape), but the film is, overall, very difficult to endure on repeat viewings. 2.5/5
-Steel (A)
-Daredevil (B), the theatrical version is a 3/5, but the director's cut is essential viewing if you're as much of a fan of this character as I am, it has all of the plot back in its rightful place and finally explained the theatrical cut's confusing climax where Matt tells Kingpin: "Can't you hear? Words out on the Kingpin." Yeah, we can hear it now that you're telling us! But what "word" is out on the Kingpin? Seemed like a whole lot of nothing in the theatrical version. But, thankfully, the director's cut clears that up and has a lot more life in it to boot, the characters are also much more fleshed-out (Foggy and Ben Urich in particular are given meatier roles that help elevate their characters above being simple comic-relief/plot-devices). All-in-all, this is the essential version of the film and one of my favourite comic-book adaptations. My only gripe is that Matt leaves behind his mask at the end. It's undoubtably a great image, with the blood flowing in the water behind it, accompanied by Kingpin's maniacal laughter, and it could have led to an even better sequel potentially with Matt's identity being in question. However, it seemed so stupid of Matt to think that the police wouldn't believe the Kingpin telling everyone that he "got beat by a blind man" when he quite clearly had his mask (not to mention, "blood in the water") as valid proof that he did get beat by a blind man! Plus, he openly tries to kill Bullseye, by tossing him out the church window, but he can't kill the Kingpin (who orchestrated all of the tragedies that Matt has face over the course of his life)? Not much logic was on-display during that final fight scene, but it always makes me think about what could have came after if they had only released the director's cut for everyone to see in theatres instead. A superior sequel? Oh well, leave it to Disney/Marvel to (hopefully) correct that mistake. 4.5/5
-Hulk (B), the Hulk scenes are arguably the worst part of the film, besides the escape from the army base, and the desert/helicopter chase following afterwards. The cast is all-around excellent, especially Eric Bana as Bruce Bana, but Sam Elliott steals the show as General Ross, he's menacing and relatable, everything we needed from the Marvel Studios remake (which William Hurt failed to deliver), the score by Danny Elfman is awesome, and the cinematography/editing is very well-done, with comic-book panels crossing in-and-out of the film at various instances (it felt stupid the first-time I watched it, but it grew on me more with repeat viewings over time). 3/5
-The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (B), I never really understood all of the hate this movie got, I could understand why comic-fans may have hated it (because it wasn't very similar to the series by Alan Moore), but films like this and Van Helsing are made to be pure spectacle. Sure, it is a dumb movie, but it's also a fun movie thanks to the ever-dependable Sean Connery (in a near career-capping role), some great special effects and a rather enjoyable final act jam-packed with cool action set-pieces. 3/5
-The Punisher ('04, B), the smartest of The Punisher films, but, oddly enough, it's my least favourite of the bunch. Thomas Jane is great, as is John Travolta ("All of it?! All?!" One of my favourite lines), but the film is a weird mix between brutal action-revenge film and often cringe-worthy dark comedy, it works in some scenes (such as the interrogation with the popsicle) but others just drag on (Frank vs. The Russian was fun, but it didn't need all of those ridiculous comedic beats constantly being hammered-in throughout, the fight was good enough without all that junk). While The Punisher himself is a smart character, the villains are really stupid. They know exactly where Frank lives and yet, somehow, they can't just kill him by exploding the place while he's inside, that's the most ridiculous thing in the film. Other than that, this is still a fun watch despite having an invincible Punisher in the lead (the tie-in video-game was amazing as well, similar to the X-Men Origins: Wolverine game, it's even better than the film). 3/5
-Blade: Trinity (B), Wesley Snipes was, according to Patton Oswalt, in full Daniel Day-Lewis mode on the set for Blade: Trinity, having actors only refer to him as "Blade", using Post-It notes to communicate, getting Cheech and Chong high in his trailers, etc. Though I'm still mad that they killed off Whistler
THAT quickly just after they brought him back in
Blade II, in the end, it was a miracle that the film even got made and, watching it now, with knowing all the madness that went into it, I like it a lot more than I did previously.
3/5
-Son of the Mask (B), ugh... I completely forgot about this film, should have been on the list, but it slipped my mind completely. Though this film is absolutely terrible in every way imaginable, it did give us some of the best reviews of all time (my favourite one being from the legendary Roger Ebert). 1/5
-Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (B), I enjoyed both movies, they're cheesy to the extreme, but the cast and characters are likeable enough to get me by. I prefer the sequel because of the Silver Surfer, but it gets the same score as the original for having Galactus appear... as a cloud. 2.5/5
-Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (B), I don't hate these movies, but I don't really like watching them either, so they're both very middle-of-the-road for me. The first arguably has a better story, though it spins a rather unnecessary origin story, but the action is rather weak. The sequel has great action, the Rider looks outstanding, but the story is dreadful, and the villains are laughable (but the first instalment wasn't much better either). If anything, Cage makes these films watchable, he's always game to give a good performance, but here he's on autopilot because of indifferent directors (though the directors of the sequel are much better than Steven Johnson, thanks to the Crank films, plus, the sequel has one of Cage's best line deliveries ever when he says something along the lines of "Then we better make sure your son doesn't turn out to be the Anti-Christ"). 2.5/5
-Spider-Man 3 (B), yeah, the villains are overly sentimental and the film is one big tear-jerker, but the action is the most consistent of the entire series and Maguire, Franco, Simmons and Harris are still great in their respective roles. It's a shame that Dylan Baker couldn't become The Lizard, as his role as Dr. Connors here is very good and could have led to a much better sequel if only the story didn't revolve around... "The Vulturess" (what were the writers thinking)?! I guess it's good that they rebooted it when they did, because that could have been the Batman & Robin of the Spider-Man franchise. This isn't Batman Forever, though there are similarities (he gets a partner by the end who he argues with frequently, but, in the end, their tragedies bring them together to help lead them on a better path, both father-figures are killed, and the film technically has two lead villains), the film has much more energy than that film and it still has the beating heart and soul of the previous two in its blood. I believe there's a better version of this film that's been left on the cutting room floor (bring on the director's cut please, Sony). I don't know why they couldn't have had Peter and/or Eddie talking to himself when the symbiote latches onto him in the film, something the other two films had, where the villains would talk to their "other halves", this should have had that more so than the other films (the symbiote's a perfect character for that type of dialogue). 3.5/5
-X-Men Origins: Wolverine (B), yeah, I like this better than The Last Stand because it's not depressing. I'd take a cheesy remake of Universal Solider any day over another hopeless, lifeless X-Men instalment. Plus, the action in this is more entertaining too because it's so over-the-top and ridiculous. The more I watch it, the more I don't mind it. 3/5
-Punisher: War Zone (B), like the '89 version, this film is fast-paced, ultra-violent, yet really fun as well because it embraces how truly bizarre it wants to be. I love Ray Stevenson in the role, he's my favourite of the three actors portraying the character, and his quiet expressions throughout are quite effective, especially in the scene where he confronts the wife of the undercover cop he accidentally killed. The villains are rather laughable, but I like that it was intentional, Jigsaw's make-up is scary, but he's largely played-up as comedy-relief (same with Loony-Bin Jim, who's arguably a much better villain). All-in-all, it's the action that makes this film a stand-out in my eyes, the final guns-blazin' battle throughout the apartment is simply stunning to behold, and the gore will be a treat for slasher fans (like me). 3.5/5
-Green Lantern (B), meh, I'm indifferent about this film, I actually liked Reynolds in the lead but everything else seemed too cookie-cutter to even bother thinking about. The villains were mediocre, but the action and effects were cool to see depicted, the characters are weak and oddly used as comedy-relief (about 80% of the time), and the film has no sense of adventure; instead, it tries to walk a tightrope between being serious and humourous... not a very good idea. Martin Campbell is a great director, he's given us GoldenEye, Casino Royale and, my favourite of his, The Mask of Zorro, but this film doesn't feel like it was made by him, it feels more so made by the studio than anyone else. Hopefully the inevitable reboot can better serve the fans. 2/5
THANKS FOR READING!