When Shailene Woodley was cast as Mary Jane Watson in Marc Webb's Amazing Spider-Man sequel, fans weren't best pleased - and rightly so. One Google search of the actress is enough to tell us that she looks almost nothing like the super-hot, incredibly bone-able character from the comics! I mean look, this pic is all that is needed to prove it..
See? The fictional, ink and pencil MJ is SMOKIN', while the actual human being just doesn't match up! WTF?? I mean don't get me wrong, the chick can look pretty bangable when she's all done up for a magazine shoot or whatever, but walking around like that in the real world? Just isn't gonna cut it sweetheart. People don't seem to understand: MJ is supposed to be unattainable, the nerd's wet dream, a girl Peter Parker would never even dream would look twice at him. And Woodley? Sorry, but I reckon any one of us would have a shot at that in a bar after a few too many Tequilas... amirite? So, I've decided to help Marc Webb and Sony out a little here. Woodley is cast, filming has commenced, not a lot they can do about that - but for future movies? If they follow my tips, the situation might just be salvageable. We'll start with the most important thing:
TITS:
Look at the pic - comic MJ has lovely big disproportionate ones, Woodley doesn't. Now, obviously surgery would be the best route, but that's highly unlikely so I recommend padding. It's very simple, just stick a stuffed Wonderbra on the chick, and any scenes requiring actual semi or full (hey, we can hope!) nudity can utilize CGI! It's a magical age for cinema, folks.
FACE:
Woodley is cute, MJ is hot - big difference. Why is it so hard for them to cast these roles properly? Just match up an actress to the picture in the comic! We were denied our raging hard-on with Kirsten "Snaggletooth" Dunst, and now it seems we are destined to leave the theater with clean pants once again. But like I said, damage is done, so let's focus on the positives. Woodley looks nice enough with a bit of slap on, so just keep her that way. Don't let her walk around all normal looking between takes where she can be photographed, and fans can see the pics plastered all over the net, giving them a [frick]ing aneurysm! Have her look her absolute best at all times and maybe we'll go see your movie.
HAIR:
Think dying your actress' hair red is enough? Not for us comic purists. Look at Woodley, then look at the comic version of MJ. Notice the difference? That's right, the drawing's hair is...bigger!
ASS:
Honestly, Woodley is doing alright in this area. Sure, she could use a bit more junk in the trunk, and hot-model-porn-lookalikes DO tend to have longer legs, but what the Hell! We'll let that one slide - who says fanboys can't be reasonable?
ACTING ABILITY
We're not idiots, we know this is also important! It's just not the MOST important thing. I mean, acting can be taught, but you can't teach an actor how to look like the comic character they're playing, now can you? But, by all accounts (I haven't seen her in anything, but whatever) Woodley is a good actress so once they sort out her looks, everything should be okay.
That should just about cover it. Apply these changes Mr Webb and MAYBE you won't have an enormous flop on your hands. Yours sincerely, the REAL comic book fans.
NOTE: This article is meant as satire. It's a response to the - genuine - backlash Miss Woodley received when she was cast in the movie, and then again when set images of her were posted online. No offence to Miss Woodley or anyone else is meant, and I (meaning me, and not the absurd persona I wrote the article as!) genuinely think she is a beautiful, talented actress who will do a great job as MJ