My Spider-Man Review For The People

So there I was chilling at the house doin my thing. The Miami Heat were handling business. I was on my couch watching AoS getting my superhero fix. When suddenly the lights dimmed. My neighbor screamed, and I saw the flashing lights of my homie yup The Flaming Unicorn. So I say "what up Uni, Im gon need you to call next time you slide thru". And the Unicorn in his usual candor said to me "Dough what are you doing with your evening man, These aint no superheroes. These are mere mortals, Im trying to put you onto Supreme Beings. You wanna walk with them or you wanna walk with God, Make up ya mind ) And thats when I realized that this Shield stuff really is a waste of my time.. I like Coulson, but this Ward guy must go. he is a complete non factor. Anyhow I grew bored wih the musings of AoS and went to the source for my fix. I have become a junkie of all things super charged and powerful. So I grabbed a bottle of cranberry juice and my last bit of New Amsterdam Vodka and to the movie theaters I went to see an old friend Spider-man. a few things stood out to me. 1 They really showed his powers. 2. Im a mixed bag about these villains and 3. it was the unintended emotionally charged scenes that were emotional to me. Now without further ado lets get into some words of wisdom.



Now lets examine Spider-mans powers. The coolest thing was seeing him web swing through the air. I really thought that this was missing from Tobey Maguirre and his spidey. He utilized his webbing like the real Spidey as an extension of himself which is the Spider-man I know. Also his strength. Man this Spiderman was picking up cars effortlessly also getting shot in pt.1 and heavily electrocuted in this one. That is the Spidey I know. The one thing I was disappointed in (although it wasnt bad ) was his Spider sense. They did use it at times,but this is probably his greatest strength is his ability to anticipate what will happen next. But overall he looked like he was in full control of his powers and tested his limits as opposed to Tobey and him screaming everytime he lifted a weight or drunk a coffee. I think this part nailed his powers on the head if a grade is to be given I will introduce What will be henceforth called the Unicorn rating. Spider man and his powers get 4.5 wing flaps of the Flaming Unicorn




Next I will like to focus on something that I found to be slightly offensive. The villains. Man in order Rhino was cliche and was a Russian rip off. Man his accent and demeanor was stereotypical through and through. I kinda get the gist of what we see is the display of a slight racist subconcious of the writer as it was interpreted by me. Not to make it a racist thing but I mean whenI saw Electro I thought "oh dame here we go" . I mean they made him soft and worship the White man. he was devoid of anything black. Like really if I replaced Jamie Foxx with a white guy. No one would have noticed. I dont want to seem ungrateful for them even considering a black character in this Spider man because honestly there were none with Tobey. As I think of it I cant even remember a movies that he played in the had Blacks in it. Coincidence hmmmmmmmm. (Cider house rules) I digress. Electro went from worshipping the White man to being a slave literally. He was obsessed with his vanity and wanted to shine on the big stage (bling bling) I dont expect most of you to understand what I mean nor to comprhend those connotations its a black privilege I guess. (heres looking at you Tal Fortgang. My comic editorial chump). I'll leave that alone until the Unicorn says its time to reveal the Sith. And finally the Goblin. they could've really left him out of this one. He was soft and honestly William Dafoe is the man. Now not to take away from Dane but this Goblin was almost forced and had serious trust issues (hello Drake). For the villains I would give them a 3 wing flaps from the Unicorn. Although there were racial undertones and apparent discrimination the action was pretty badass.



Now my final point I give you boys and giral was the forced emotion they tried to convey. In this Universe everyone is a basket case. From Peter getting his 6th sense on and seeing dead people. Electro and yearning to be accepted in White America and his lack of white friends ( or black for that matter) . Goblins daddy issues. Rhinos little guy complex. I mean this movie was a high school gym class of emotions. They tried to convey Peters yearning for his father, his uncle, his dog, his bleached jean pants, White chocalte snickers bar (looking at you Mars corp). And it doesnt work it drags nothing out of you all of the scenes where someone is missed seem forced like Im supposed to care about what happens becuse you tell me too. It is my American right to be an arse and by gosh I will be it any time the modd hits me. Now with all that being said there was an honest tear jerker for me. Like I actually cried (no noises tho) but yeh that tear like when the Spaniard died in Gladiator. Or when they killed Leonidas. But the part was when the little boy put on the spider suit to go mix it up with a villain. That part will be etched in my soul for years to come. You cannot be human not to feel any type of way about the kid. So all in all I give the movie a 4 wing flaps from the Unicorn. It was way better than Tobey. The story actually wasnt that bad. The action was good. Now if they could add another hero or 2 we got something for real here. Yall know what it is. Drop a comment, hate, bash whatever, its all good, Holler at ya boy