Trailer:
"I was dead...but I'm better now."
So let’s begin with the obvious question. I cut a lot of superhero films (such as Darkman sequels, Robocop 3, and Ninja Turtle films) off my list in order to keep it compacted to 100. So why did I decide to review this piece of crap made-for-TV movie? Well it all has to do with the release of the Avengers next year. With SHIELD playing such a major roll in it, I thought it made since to go back and take a look at its only other adaption.
The film opens with an American base being invaded by a group of people with unconvincing German accents. It is a little later that they are revealed to be the terrorist organization called Hydra. Their reason for breaking into the base was to steal a corpse containing a deadly virus. It also just so happens to be the body of the leader’s father.
Nick Fury meanwhile is sitting in a cave in the middle of nowhere, chipping at rocks with a pickaxe for no apparent reason. SHIELD agents arrive and Nick Fury just beats them up….again for no apparent reason. He should have realized they were from shield. After all, their jet was parked in his back yard.
After some negotiating the retired Fury, played by David Hasslehoff, decides to go with them and help stop the terrorist organization. In the process he is poisoned and the only way to cure himself is to get a blood sample from the main villainess. Otherwise he will suffer a slow painful death.
As if one ticking clock wasn’t enough, the film throws in the presence of a biological weapon about to go off in the middle of New York, featuring the virus taken near the beginning of the film. So there you have it. Childish, derivative and generic plotline that any middle schooler could have dreamed up.
Hasslehoff play the lead “public director” of shield who has retired. He may look like the classic character but plays him EXTREMELY over the top. Every time he has to say a line he first needs to either take his cigar out of his mouth, or put it back in. You know….just in the attempts to appear dramatic. All the interesting things they could have done with his character regarding his retirement and dying are all tossed out the window in the feeble attempt to make him appear like a badass.
There are two main villains in the film. The first is the well-aged Arnim Zola, who is actually kind of a creepy old man. He doesn’t do much in the film other than create the virus, but he at least is a little interesting to watch unlike his boss.
The main villain, Viper, who leads Hydra gives such an awful performance that words cannot do it justice. Her fake accent is atrocious and she obviously was born without any real acting talent. She is both laughable and cringe worthy and never in any kind of intentional way by the makers. Her sadistic personality is so forced that she never comes off as any real threat with exception to the one part in the story where she poisons Fury.
Apparently her entire plan is not for money or some noble goal. No, she just wants revenge on Fury for killing her father and wants to unite all the Terrorist organizations around the world for…again… no particular reason. Also, how does the last part even make sense? Terrorist organizations usually have some sort of political, religious, or personal goal. Does Miss Viper really agree with the goals of EVERY terrorist in the world?
The rest of the supporting cast isn’t much better. Actually they are all pretty forgettable with wooden performances and lackluster characterizations. Director General Pincer is a made up character who does nothing significant in the movie but act like an asshole for no cause or effect.
The movie itself takes on a more serous tone that is damn near impossible to get into. They have random tongue and cheek moments that are annoying and use SHIELD as a pun as much as possible. I guess that was their idea of a comic relief. But the only relief I got was at the end.
So what good can I say about this film. Just about nothing really. Besides Zola (Peter Hawther), all the performances were awful to forgettable. The CGI actually wasn’t bad at all. It wasn’t great but for a made for TV movie back in 1999 it actually does look pretty solid and the designs for the Helicarrier and the jets are pretty slick.
Overall though the film is just a waste of time. It is not over the top enough to be “so bad it’s good” and it lacks in any enjoyable action scenes. The movie drags out for the hour and a half run time and doesn’t do anything in terms of emotion, tension, comedy, or action. It’s almost like it was made to do nothing. Yet it still ends on a cliffhanger (that makes no sense) that clearly begs to let them make a sequel that hasn’t and never will happen.
FINAL RATING: 1/10- (10%)
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