Trailer:
“We will destroy Max’s greatest dream. Sharkboy and Lavagirl!”
Inception, take a step back and look upon your superior. Here is a film that REALLY knows how to bring a dream to life!....If you’re five. And even then part of me still hopes that at that age you will be intelligent enough to see what a steaming pile of cow dung this film is.
If one person below comments, “take it easy it’s just a little kids film” I will duct tape them to a chair and have them watch this film on a loop for the next four years. This is not a film for children. This is a film for the brain dead.
I’m thoroughly convinced at this point that Robert Rodriguez needs to seek help because he has a sever case of dissociative identity disorder (split personality). How else could someone go from making Grindhouse to something like Spy Kids and this atrocity. However, where Spy Kids served as a clever little kids film that played off the cliché, this movie is a cliché in and of itself because it represents how incredibly misused 3D can be.
This was before the advent of the “Real D” technology used by the likes of Avatar and Beowulf. This was back when theatrical 3D was a low quality mocking of the stuff you see in theme parks. Not only is it overblown and gimmicky but it also turns it into a very ugly film that’s nearly impossible to watch in 2D. The CGI is hideous and cartoonish at its best. While watching it one will not be able to shake the feeling of viewing a low graphic video game. Hell, the action even looks side scrolling at points.
So what is the story of this misguided fairy tale? We meet young Max (Cayden Boyd) a boy with a wild imagination and whom is constantly bullied while at school. With the pressure of finding friends and his parent’s relationship falling apart, he retreats into a dream world with his two superhero creations Sharkboy and Lavagirl. From there the plot becomes thin and dissolves into a series of different circumstances in order to make increasingly ridiculous and sh*tty 3D effects.
The main problem that separates this from the well received Spy Kids is the lack of any kind of relatable characters. No one acts believably, not the real characters or Max’s imaginary ones. In Spy Kids at least the two main leads had normal problems and felt like ordinary kids thrust into extreme circumstances. There is nothing real or relatable about Max who is fairly useless and dead weight through the entirety of the film, despite the film constantly claiming otherwise.
As for werewolf boy Taylor Lautner, I take a certain amount of pleasure in the idea he will never live down this roll. I can practically hear the bad on-set jokes he has to endure all the time and most of them come from the single scene where Lautner has to sing and dance. Yes, I predict the Dream Song will last far longer than his abs in Twilight. Though to be fair he was hardily the worst thing in the movie and the only slightly decent fight scenes were with Sharkboy. And just to keep it in circulation here is the link for your benefit (well maybe not so much) and his humiliation.
Link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plUgn_FC0sk
As for Lavagirls, portrayed by Taylor Dooli), she might have actually been a somewhat decent character if handled properly. The concept of her destroying everything she touches has a sort of poetry to it, yet the young actress fails to bring any real life to her and the entire concept behind her is left in ashes (Ha! get it?).
George Lopez is unbearably bad in not just one roll for the film but four! Looks like they had trouble finding ANYONE who would even agree to be in this. But chances are the makers where just going for some pointless symbolism in a film where none belong. Lopez really needs to find an agent that is willing to turn stuff down. Must have the same one as Nicholas Cage.
In the end the film is a mess of bad child actors, bad adult actors, and horrible effects. The makers should be tried, found guilty, and jailed for excessive use of gimmicky 3D. There is no story there to support it and rather than renting this for kids, save your money and take them to a real theme park. That or rend The Never Ending Story again as it has similar themes and is vastly superior.
FINAL RATING: 1/10- (10%)
Previous DAY: 54- Batman Begins
http://www.comicbookmovie.com/fansites/100superherodays/news/?a=56885
NOTE: polls used later in ranking so PLEASE VOTE if you have seen it.