As I keep seeing pictures of the New Conan Production I have
gotten a little more ticked off each time! This movie is not shaping
up to be any kind of Conan movie I want to see. I don't think the
director has one clue how Conan should be! He doesn't have a
very good track record with ancient stories.
The story doesn't even sound like a Conan story. Where's the
sorcery, the monsters. Conan is sword and sorcery not TROY or
CLEOPATRA or something! It's not just warriors and kings
fighting.
The production looks cheapo and crappy! As one commenter said,
“It doesn't look professional!”
The lead is so scrawny he looks like he has girlie legs! Like my
brother, who isn't any kind of comic geek or movie nut, said about
it, “he looks too slim-built to ever play Conan even if he worked
out for a whole year!” Momoa looks like a common warrior that
Conan would just slice in half along the battle line!
Howard described Conan as MASSIVE, able to lift immense boulders
and throw them and toss horses around. Conan is not immensely tall
but he is wide and massive-muscled. This is how Conan should look
in case anyone has forgotten!
Now if they gave me all those millions to do a CONAN movie right,
one that had sorcery and monsters and tons of big-boobed babes,
like it should, this is the way I would do it! I just threw this together
in the last couple of nights.
My story has Conan helping a good sorcerer and his daughter
against an evil sorcerer and his vicious sorceress woman. The evil
sorcerer is a minion of the vile Stygian (Egyptian) master serpent
sorcerer and Conan's main enemy, THOTH-AMON.
The sinister sorcerer is named, CHUMA-SET, and his wicked
woman is, KANIKA. They are both shapeshifting lizard-people.
They lead an army of shapeshifting lizard-men and a giant
merciless Aesir (Norse) mercenary warrior named, EINBORG,
against CONAN and his group.
The group consists of the benevolent sorcerer, OMARI, and his
daughter, SANURA, who are secretly shapeshifting panther-people.
CONAN'S other allies are RED SONJA and her trail companion
friend, large, prematurely white-haired Aesir warrior, BRANDR
(BRANDER). BRANDR and EINBORG have a history together and
no love-lost between them. In fact they hate each others' “very
entrails”! Lol
My CONAN would not be a Hawaiian surfer-dude or a Native-
American or some kind of caveman. He would be actor PAUL
TELFER, a British actor born in Scotland who is of actual Keltic
descent. The Hawaiian who is playing him looks like a Pantera
wannabe!
My movie would have monsters and sorcery and beautiful girls
and giant ancient Norsemen butting heads! And a CONAN who looks
like the one and only Conan of Cimmeria who becomes an actual
KING!
I would entitle my movie:
CONAN THE CIMMERIAN
PAUL TELFER is much older now than when he did that silly
HERCULES mini-series for NBC in 2005. He is a much improved
actor and Tom Harmon said he was scary when he was in the NCIS
segment where he was a roid-raging secret super-soldier, killing
other hardened soldiers with his bare hands by snapping their
spines.
In one scene he tossed around several beefy marines and
four NCIS agents like they were children. He did his own stunts for
that and was quite convincing and frightening, grunting and wrestling
around on the floor. Tom Harmon said he was frighteningly powerful!
NCIS liked him so much they had him back this season as the same
character who is now recovered from the steroid troubles he had
before and was part of the team as an undercover agent. He was
likable on the show and he is very good at doing an American accent
even though he is a British actor. I would like to see him come back as
a regular. I think he's a way better actor than JASON MOMOA.
CONAN: PAUL TELFER
Paul looks exactly like this illustration of Conan, EXACTLY!
The first picture here is of Paul as he looks now. He is huge and ripped
up! But his muscles look quite natural on his wide frame. That's the
way Conan is supposed to be! Paul is 6'2”, the same height as Ah-nold!
RED SONJA: RACHEL NICHOLS
RED SONJA'S prematurely white-haired Aesir (Norse) warrior friend
accompanying her along the trail.
BRANDR: TYLER MANE
OMARI'S beautiful daughter who's also a shapeshifting Panther-girl.
SANURA: JORDANA BREWSTER
The benevolent sorcerer who's secretly a shapeshifting Panther-man.
OMARI: ERICK AVARI
CHUMA'S vicious sorceress Lizard-woman.
KANIKA: GABRIELLE UNION
Vile Stygian shapeshifting man-lizard sorcerer. Minion of THOTH-AMON.
CHUMA-SET: FARAN TAHIR
Giant Aesir (Norse) mercenary warrior hired by CHUMA as his personal
guardian.
EINBORG: NATHAN JONES
Conan's main enemy, master serpent sorcerer of Stygia.
THOTH-AMON: CARMEN ARGENZIANO