(Movies fail at the box office, and many more fail to even find release into theaters. When one of these dead on arrival titles arrives on disc they go under the knife of the forensic video-examiner, all in the hope of determining the causes of death in the marketplace. Be forewarned any who wish to see the film – this piece is entirely a SPOILER.)
In Hollywood terms this plotting is a lightly travelled and yet worn out path; an adult is inserted into a younger culture and they experience social aggression and manage to learn valuable life-lessons. These contrived plots carry many similarities, most notable being the failure to motivate people to view them in any significant number. Like Marxism these misanthropic misfires continue to crop up on occasion and, similar to that political construct with a checkered past, the thinking behind it is similar: “
Sure it has always failed, but WE can get it right THIS time.”
No, you cannot. Part of the problem is buying into Ms. Montana as an adult, forced to retreat to a youthful universe, when we not only still regard her in mostly Disney-esque terms but her real life exploits mirror the realm she has to dismiss as beneath her character. (Yea, those pictures of you eating a penis-shaped birthday cake are still fresh, Miley dear.) So let’s slap this disc onto the slab and see why a college romp was still-born as it left the studio.
00:00:58 Exploratory Story Incision
We are sold that Miley Cyrus is Molly, a private investigator who works with her father (Mike O’Malley). Not surprisingly she may need to work on her stealth techniques given the way she speaks into her shirt collar and openly conducts surveillance in a busy downtown plaza.
00:01:57 Continuity Failure
Molly is following a senator into a hotel and tries to get a vantage from a nearby room. Once she is sure the room is empty she is on the balcony seconds later, expending zero effort getting inside.
00:02:25 Cranial Atrophy
Molly’s dad is not on the top of his game, as the negligent parent sits in a van while his daughter is leaping from a penthouse railing 20 stories above the street.
00:03:11 Editing Arrythmia
While running away from the pursuing senator Molly gives her father beat-by-beat notices of her progress on the two-way radio. “
I’m in the north east stairwell – I’m on the roof.” Dad then immediately chimes in with, “
Tell me what’s going on.”
00:04:27 Iatrogenic Direction
For this film to work we need to buy into a more mature Cyrus, but the opening credit sequence has a remake of Blondie’s “One Way Or Another” with splashy teen-centric graphics as she is riding a motorcycle.
00:05:43 Diluted Tableau
Molly’s skills again are called into question as she is collecting evidence on a cheating spouse by openly photographing the suspect, from a few feet away, inside a full diner.
00:05:53 Septic Introduction
Jeremy Piven arrives on scene as an FBI agent named Armon who wants her to infiltrate a college sorority for a case. He needs Molly to recover documents and a ledger believed to be held by a Russian mobster’s daughter, or something. They spar verbally over whether Molly’s Jiu Jitsu training would be enough for her to hurl Armon through a window.
I tell ya, the recent news of an
Entourage motion picture getting made must be coming at just the right time for him.
00:08:47 Arrested Physics
They continue their discussion as both walk across the street to where Molly parked her bike on the side of the road beside an empty field – because parking lots are wicked lame, I suppose.
00:10:32 Invasive Pathos
We learned Molly’s dad was kicked off the Dallas police force because of a gambling problem (sure, that's a real thing). That evening she confronts him as he returns from a race track. He explains that he was one hot streak away from winning enough to hire a lawyer in order to get back on the force – via gambling.
00:12:48 Comedic Arrest
Now motivated for cash Molly agrees to the job for $20,000. She is taken to a hanger where a bitchy stylist and stereotype gay hairdresser help transform her, teaching her new phrases like “totes”, and “amazeballs”.
00:13:14 Blunt-Force Dialogue
Armon gives Molly a briefing on the sorority, describing the chapter president at the house: “
She’s like Khadafy with highlights.
00:15:00 Commercial Toxicity
Lastly Armon walks her over to the rear of the hanger and pulls the tarp off of a car. “
This is your brand new Volkswagon Eos! Girls your age would jump up and down to drive this thing!”
00:22:23 Invasive Pathos
Installed at the sorority Molly unpacks and one case has a hidden compartment filled with weapons and high-tech gadgets, including 2 passports which must be vital for her mission in New Orleans, Louisiana.
00:23:35 Septic Introduction
Molly meets her new roommate, played for some reason by Kelly Osbourne. The good news is Osbourne is given absolutely nothing to do in this film.
00:23:29 Plot Stimulant
Molly meets Nicolas (who will be the love interest) all because he is working on his vintage Triumph motorcycle in the middle of the campus commons.
00:28:34 Comedic Arrest
During the new school year social the sorority president in a speech says,
”It was a summer of change, a summer of big developments, and a summer of making new friends.” Each point was followed by a cutaway to a specific girl returning to school a different woman:
CHANGE = girl with a nose job
DEVELOPMENTS = girl with breast augmentation
NEW FRIENDS = girl rubbing her 9 months pregnant belly
00:33:28 Continuity Failure
When Kelly Osbourne complains about her finance class and having to leaf through ledgers Molly scoffs and states that they have computers for that, forgetting that Armon sent her to the campus specifically to find a ledger.
00:40:10 Cliché’ Malignancy
You know those dopey “tolly-me-banana” wicker hats you only ever see worn by jackasses in party scenes in movies? Yea, this movie’s party is full of them.
00:49:40 Ruptured Visual
You can probably live a satisfying existence without having seen Miley Cyrus dressed as a crawfish, imploring people with the line, “
Buy a doll, play with balls.” I however will not.
00:52:30 Invasive Pathos
In order for the girls to win the sorority doll-selling contest (I don’t know either) Molly blackmails one professor with lurid photos because not only did she have a three foot long telephoto lens for all to see one afternoon, but the prof was groping a co-ed in the middle of a busy commons.
00:59:24 Artificial Plot Stimulant
After being framed as a thief by the sorority president, out of jealousy, the first thing Molly decides to do to clear her name is to break into the girl’s room to steal an item. I guess when you have a father who gambles to get the job back he lost because of gambling . . .
01:04:41 Locale Anesthesia
Molly suspects the girl she is investigating may be involved with their professor (this film assumes ALL faculty members are pussy-hounds). She tracks her to his houseboat where, because this is New Orleans, he has an alligator as a sentry on his dock.
01:05:54 Chronicle Arrest
After forcing Molly to report at numerous clandestine locations -- like a church and the street-car depot -- suddenly Armon is fine showing up on campus in the middle of the day to hand her a secret file with the FBI logo, in front of the student body.
01:11:49 Plot Stimulant
That night Molly breaks into the houseboat to learn the professor is actually an FBI agent. A masked intruder draws a gun on her but leaves, then outside she finds the professor/agent has been shot. Molly manages to deduce that the intruder was Armon. This means Armon was willing to shoot a federal agent but
unwilling to shoot the one person who could expose him, and to whom he owes $20,000.
01:11:50 Cranial Atrophy
This ALSO means Molly has been able to do extensive background checks on everyone she has encountered throughout the film, with the exception of the sketchy guy she did not want to initially have anything to do with at the start.
01:23:10 Weakened Impulse
Molly gets her chance to have Armond flung through a window except, instead of using her Ju Jitsu training on Piven, Miley simply football tackles him through the glass.
01:25:39 Collapsed Climax
Ultimately the whole plan of Armon is unraveled and the kidnapped co-ed is rescued, all with the collective help of the entire house of sorority sisters. Impressive work unravelling the plans of a master criminal, since this is the same group which struggled just a week earlier in the task of selling stuffed animals on campus.
POST MORTEM
Bringing absolutely nothing new to this sub sub-genre of films means this attempt not only goes begging, but it begs us to make comparisons. The most similar example of a grizzled law enforcer forced to endure the realm of high fashion and low IQ scores would have to be
Miss Congeniality. This fell well short of that plateau, and Miley does not come close to Sandra Bullock in terms of comedy. Failing to reach those comedic levels and lacking in the drama category as well makes this a complete mystery as to the inspiration to create it.
One of the sorority sisters is a walking contradiction, a bubble-headed blonde who is also a chemistry-major, spouting formulas off the top of her head. At one time this gal loudly proclaimed she does not know what “insipid” means. Ironic that line appears in a film where the creators also fail to grasp that meaning.