So as I said in the description I've been writing this script since last September. Ever since then I've been revising and editing but since its my script I can't help but be biased so I would like feedback on what I did wrong with the script or if I could go on to filming.
Room 11
By: Leo Rassool
September 16, 2011
FADE UP ON:
A man named Matthew Bronston well in his 30s driving his car in the with the radio playing, the camera doesn’t move until he turns into a parking lot.
The next thing you hear is the sound of the register at the gas n go he is at.
Cashier
Find everything okay?
Matthew (while picking up a candy bar)
Just fine.
Cashier
Are you spending the night at the motel?
Matthew
Yeah I’m just about to check in.
Cashier
I hear some scary shit about that motel.
Matthew
Tell me about it.
Cashier
Well the owner had a daughter, she was just a regular girl she wanted famous boys, played with dolls, rode bikes, and danced. But somehow she didn’t fit in
(Flashback sequence starts playing while it is narrated by him)
Cashier
One day her dad, the owner, was waiting to take her to her dance recital.
(Shows dad sitting in chair while wearing clothes fashioned like 50s clothes and smoking a cigar.)
Cashier
And soon he got tired of waiting and went upstairs to get her.
(shows dad getting up from seat and going upstairs to his daughter’s room.)
Cashier
When he opened the door he found little Susie’s neck suspended by a rope.
(Shows father opening door and seeing his dead daughter.)
(Shows Matthew nodding as in saying go on while chewing on his candy bar.)
Cashier
And she lived in room 11. But sometimes when people get the room under that, room 01, they hear dancing coming from the floor above like little Nancy is finally ready for her recital.
Matthew
You know, when I said tell me about it I was kidding. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like being bull shitted by a guy who doesn’t know 2pac from Jimmy Page.
(He says rudely and leaves.)
(Shows Matthew covering his head from the rain with his hood while gently jogging to the motel while finishing his candy bar. When he gets in he takes of his hood and walks over to the front desk. He walks up to the lady at the desk)
Receptionist
What do you need?
Matthew
I need a room.
Receptionist
Name?
Matthew
Matthew Bronston
Receptionist
For how long?
Matthew
Just tonight.
Receptionist
Ok that’s 75$.
Matthew (while handing her a credit card)
Here you go.
Receptionist (while taking and swiping card and then giving him the key)
Ok here’s your key first one on the right
Matthew starts walking to his room and when he puts his key in he notices that the room he is in is room 01 but he just smirks and opens his door.
When he gets in he takes off his jacket and throws it against the wall. After that he collapses down on his bed. After about 5 seconds he closes his eyes and the screen goes black telling the audience that he is asleep. Following the darkness you see flashes of the dancing feet of Nancy all while hearing the noises of dancing feet and flashes of the conversation he had with the cashier. When he wakes up he screams and the only thing you still hear is the sound of the dancing feet. He looks up and sighs out of frustration. He opens his door and starts walking upstairs towards room 11(use elevator if available). When he gets there he bangs on the door.
Matthew
Hey keep it down I’m trying to get to sleep.
After he says that the dancing stops but no one comes to the door. Matthew looks at the door confused and bangs on the door one more time. When no one answers the door again he looks through the peep hole. Cut to a P.O.V shot through the peep hole and all you see is red. He pulls his head away and once again looks at the door confused. But he walks back to his room and falls back asleep.
Open the next scene with it cutting to morning and Matthew opening his eyes. He walks over to the receptionist in order to check out.
Receptionist
How’d you sleep.
Matthew
There were some people dancing in the room above me so I didn’t get much.
Receptionist looks at him confused.
Receptionist
You and me were the only ones here all last night.
He gets a really confused look on his face.
Matthew(reluctantly)
Look I heard this story about the founder’s daughter who killed herself in room 11 is that true.
Receptionist
Yeah that’s just a story people tell to scare people but the story is she was being bullied at school then she offed herself.
Matthew
Are you sure it’s just a story.
Receptionist
Well yeah ghosts aren’t real.
Matthew
Why was she being bullied
Receptionist
Uh come with me you should take a look for yourself.
(They start walking with each other down into a basement)
Receptionist
There was something wrong with her eye (she says while reaching for the picture frame)You know how kids are no regard at all.
(She hands the picture in a picture frame that says beauty is within to him and he looks at it and the camera zooms in to show the audience that her eye is all red.)
The End.