Please excuse the informal tone of this editorial, as being Royalty has spoiled my proper nature and forced me to be an “Everyman Monarch.”
Title
The position of Princess is relatively new within the hierarchy of the Nobility title structure. For centuries, females who married into Nobility were simply referred to as, “Lady.” Eventually, the language evolved to differentiate and distinguish between marriage and bastard children or distant relations. It is important to note that this not only provides an implied importance but also was one of the first steps toward equality between genders, especially within Royal Bloodlines.
What this means is, that by simply marrying into Royalty, you too can become Royalty. This is not the case with males. Should a commoner, or a “Useless Eater,” marry a Noble woman, he does not become a Prince. You can be born a Princess if your father has title, but how many of us are that lucky? I sure wasn’t.
(Please note that the kind folks at Disney do not actually require you to become a female. They just ask that you are okay with having a title usually reserved for a female.)
People seek title or position everywhere. With a greater title in your career means more responsibility, money and respect. Why would anyone settle being a “drug dealer” when they can become a “drug lord”? Or, why would you accept being a “janitor” when with a little bit of effort you can be the coveted “garbage tsar”?
In short, if what you want to do with your life is watch superhero movies, then you ought to give consideration to where you can have a title.
Ranking
Another great thing about being a Disney Princess is the internal ranking system. Now, you are still a Princess and are therefore entitled to all privileges, benefits and responsibilities associated with the title, however you still can better you station in life by earning rank.
The Disney Princess Organization has developed and implemented, to great success, a numerical ranking structure. Unlike the military, our title will always stay the same despite promotions to our rank. We just amend the title with a level number. To clarify, you don’t call Generals, “Lieutenant Level 7.” You do call us, “Princess Level _.”
Achieving greater ranks is pretty legit. It instills a sense of accomplishment as well as provides goals for our career progression. We all start out as Princess Level 1. However, rank promotion is clearly defined and is also individual oriented – you can navigate your progression at your leisure and on your own timeline.
This is a brief overview of the prerequisites for rank promotion:
1) Level 1
A. You must marry in by choosing a husband. (I married Happy Hogan and much to my delight, he does not require much sex, just on his birthday and all Jewish Holidays.)
2) Level 2
A. You must enjoy a Marvel Studios production which doesn’t feature your husband. (Pretty much everyone can achieve Level 2.)
3) Level 3
A. You must dislike a Marvel Property made by another studio. (Level 3 does not require you to dislike an entire franchise, just one movie. Thankfully, Fox and Sony have made Level 3 easily attainable.)
4) Level 4
A. You must have seen, in the theaters with a paid ticket, no less than four (4) Marvel Studio movies on opening weekend. (This was much harder to do prior to The Avengers. There are rumors of a committee debating on raising the Level 4 requirements.)
5) Level 5
A. You must be genuinely excited by the future of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. (Your excitement is gauged and judged by an independent panel of private investigators through interviews, lie detectors and interrogation. This is by far the most intrusive level to obtain.)
6) Level 6
A. You must dislike no less than two (2) properties made by WB/DC. (This is daunting, but again it does not require you to hate an entire franchise. You have plenty to pick from. Catwoman, Jonah Hex, Green Lantern and any of the old Batman or Superman movies are popular picks.)
7) Level 7
A. You must have no interest in at least one movie covered on Comicbookmovie.com. (Welcome to the coveted Level 7. Don’t think you can hack it? Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Hunger Games etc. Pick one. It’s pretty easy.)
8) Level 8
A. You must have enjoyed 90% of all Marvel Studio releases. (This rank is self-awarded. If you were entertained by 90% of the films within the MCU you can achieve Level 8. Should you find yourself in the precarious position of disliking more than 10% of Marvel Studio’s movies, then you must wait for more movies which entertain you in order to meet the minimum percentage requirement.)
9) Level 9 ***Disney Dominatrix Level 9***
A. ??? (There is only one who has earned this special rank/title. His name is Cipher and no one knows what he did to get here. Luckily, Level 9 is not required for Level 10.)
10) Level 10
A. You must be more excited about a Marvel Studios release over any other CBM released by a different studio in the next twelve (12) months.
B. This is the only rank you can be demoted from should you not reach Level 11 before your excitement level for another studio’s release surpasses that of a Marvel Studio’s release. (Difficult. There are a lot of movies coming out that look good. But hang in there. They can’t stop time. Please note this is defined to CBM only.)
11) Level 11
A. You must have one (1) dress which both compliments your eyes and matches your tiara. (This can prove difficult should you receive a tiara which clashes with your eye color. But nothing is impossible. Just buy a fashion magazine.)
12) Level 12
A. This is the final rank. To my knowledge no one has achieved the pinnacle of the Disney Princess Industry (DPI) however, that doesn’t mean you can’t be the first!
B. The only requirement is that you must think EVERY Marvel Studio’s release is perfect in every possible way. (There is a difference between enjoying a movie and being entertained by a superhero vessel produced through the entertainment industry. You must believe that every movie is perfect in every way.)
There you have it. Want to join our club? All you have to do is click the “like” button and/or post your level! Welcome.