I was lucky to be given a meeting with legendary producer Avi Arad (TASM1&2, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer) and took all the time given to me to inquire about Sony's future plans with the character of Spider-Man now that Emails have surfaced revealing talks about a possible entry into the MCU.
Karl Alden : First off I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to see me and taking this interview.
Avi Arad: For you Karl, anything. Haha!
KA: There are a lot of questions circling the Spider-Man franchise and its future, due to the Sony hack situation we now know that the studio has approached Marvel about his possible inclusion in their cinematic universe. Can you comment on the possibility of there being a cross over as soon as Marvel's release of Civil War?
AA: I am very to upset to disappoint the hype machine that is the internet but this is very much a bitter end and last ditch option. Marvel does not want Sony to remain in creative control or to hire the team they think best to bring their vision of the character to life. So no this will not be happening. We have plans to extend the Spider-Man universe and ideas that we believe will breath new life into the character.
KA: By breath new life do you mean we are to expect a reboot so soon after the new start with Andrew Garfield?
AA: No, No! I think myself and the fans agree that Andrew IS the embodiment of Spider-Man and Peter Parker and will remain as such until he desires to say, "I am Spider-Man, no more!" as it were.
*At this point in the interview Mr. Arad removed a small bag of cocaine from the inside breast pocket of his sport coat and began to spill some on a small mirror that he removed from the same pocket*
AA: What you can expect to see is a ... diversification of character. We will be introducing Miles Morales Spider-Man and an alternate reality Spider-Gwen in the next TASM movie and also be spinning these off into their own franchises and so on and so forth.
*Mr. Arad then snorted a very large line of cocaine he had separated while explaining the proceeding*
KA: I... Ummm... So is Miles Morales to be given his own film trilogy? Will Brian Michael Bendis be involved with the film in any-
AA: No- we've approached him about our ideas and he is not in favor. But Miles Morales fans can rejoice! He will have the classic Sony film treatment and be given his own trilogy, but it will not be filmed until AFTER the musical.
*A brief pause as Mr. Arad snorted another line of cocaine*
AA- Whooooo! YES! Yes a musical man don't you listen? I searched through the pantheon of Spider-Man lore and pop culture phenomena and arrived as others have, on Broadway. The undeniable charm and excitement of--F****************ck THIS IS SOME GREAT BLOW I TELL YOU-
From this point on there was far to much profanity to be considered tasteful dictated word for word to the reader. So instead I will extend the high hopes and excitement of Mr. Arad for his upcoming project(s), and distil what his vision for the Spider-Man musical trilogy is.
SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK
Arad says this is the logical starting point and who could argue with him? Nobody, he says as he casually whips a switchblade between his fingers. The film adaptation of the "hit" Broadway play will be a realistic 3D shot replication shot on location in the musical's new Los Vegas home. Long time rockers Bono and The Edge of U2 have been hired again to write additional songs for the score of the film The cast soundtrack will be free and again immediately downloaded into every iTunes users library free of charge. Parks and Recreation's Adam Scott is being sought to play Peter Parker in this musical universe, John Singleton (2Fast2Furious) has been hired to direct.
Spider-Man's MCUsical!
Mr. Arad said in the interview later on that the enormous success of the Spider-Man franchise would allow Sony to acquire the rest of Marvel's properties by 2020, and although they would not stop production on all the series most of the heroes would also be converted into some other type of Spider-Men. But before Spider-Thor and Superior-Spider-Captain America we will see a cross over event, "Larger than that p**** Infinity War s***, that's for sure!"
A planned Jukebox musical featuring punny song's sung by different members of the Marvel Universe. Vision plays an 80's keyboard rendition of Foreigner's 'Double Vision, Nova rips through 'Ziggy Stardust' on the guitar and , you guessed it, Iron Man plays the immortal Black Sabbath classic 'War Pigs'. Set around a small group of high schoolers and a hacker with a heart of gold that is only a bit misguided going by the guise of 'Doom', the youngsters put on a talent show to raise money to help old man Richards keep his Fantastic Four Flavors ice cream shop open.
Arad claimed to have hired musical hit maker Andrew Lloyd Webber to team up with TASM director Marc Webb, when I contacted their offices Marc Webb declined to comment and Andrew Lloyd Webber replied "Whom?"
"-brilliant right? And Peter shows up and helps them learn a little bit about themselves or responsibility, maybe it was all in them all along or something? You get it. Money in the bank."
No frills or fancying it up here, Spider-Man will once again trod the boards but this time in a remake of a classic story.
"In this one we won't even refer to him as the Spider-Man, there will be no costumes or high flying action just the power of the story. This will be directly off book with no reference to the Marvel or Spider universes. Hugh Jackman is already signed on to reprise his role of Jean Valjean."
I unfortunately was not able to extract any more information from Mr. Arad. He became violent and impatient with me and my "Incapability to understand the complexities of musical theater and the human heart!" and "Don't like U2? Bro I'll SLAY YOU! Me and the Webbsters totally jam to them!" I'll be sure to pass on any more information that comes my way.
(This article was an act of satire and doesn't represent the actual cocaine fueled stupidity that Avi Arad is known for, it is merely an imitation of that stupidity)
You can follow @KarlAlden for more breaking news that isn't true at all on Twitter.