Satan Pinches a Loaf and Calls it a Movie: DAREDEVIL
True Christian™ Film Review
Landover Baptist film reviewers don’t have to watch the latest pornographic propaganda from the Jews and homos in Hollywood to know that Santa Monica Boulevard sodomites are always looking for ways to force Jesus into an hysterical fit of rage. Their new movie, Daredevil, is an attempt on Lucifer's behalf to make himself more appealing to our precious young children. As such, it is quite possibly one of the most dangerous films to ever be released in our Christian Country. It's Satan's biography, repackaged in sleek Hollywood style.
Usually, Hollywood’s favorite method for luring unsuspecting youngsters into signing a lifetime contract with Satan is to subliminally suggest hints of hot and sweaty homosexual abandon in the hopes of leading curious and aroused tykes into a life of depravity and expensive personal lubricants. Oftentimes it isn’t until a red-blooded American boy reaches his later years and finds himself running around in a Frederick's of Hollywood sheer ocelot negligee that he finally realizes, "Good Lord! I’m prancing around like a concubine for Satan!" This time around, however, Hollywood isn’t wasting any time planting the seeds of homosexual lust, like they did with coyly erotic "The Lord of the Rings." No, this time around, the film industry has dropped a filthy, noxious bombshell that brazenly and openly invites young children not only to accept Satan as their Lord and personal Savior, but to also revere him as a hot looking super hero.
It’s almost unbelievable, isn’t it? But it’s absolutely true! Lucifer must be getting restless, as he sees more children turning their lives over to Christ every day to enlist as young Christian soldiers in the war on terror. It must worry the Great Deceiver that America's youth are so filled with the Holy Spirit that in backyards throughout this great land little boys and girls are playing "Kill the Allah-loving Sand-Negro." But Satan is not playing any games with his latest film, my friends. Hearken unto these words, True Christian™ brethren: The movie, Daredevil is nothing more than an open invitation for young toddlers to enlist in the Devil’s army of Junior Satanists, drink a bowl of warm goat's blood, and become soft on foreigners and the United Nations!
There is no attempt to mute the evil message of this film. Daredevil is unambiguously clear from the title and posters intended to mock every Christian with the fact that Satan is a flashier dresser than Jesus. It’s quite simple really. It’s nothing more than a fancy updated version of Satan’s biography. His tight red body is right there for the whole world to see on the silver screen! And since the old hot demon is too busy to play the role himself, he picked one of his favorite actors, Ben Affleck to fill his shoes and wear his hair. In dating Mexican harlot Jennifer Lopez, it is clear that Mr. Affleck has sold to Lucifer a pint of his blood in exchange for a gallon of ink. Like Whitney Houston screaming for another saucer of methamphetamine, Mr. Affleck's unquenchable craving for publicity has left him weak and begging Satan for one more hit of ink and Jennifer Lopez. And once you have pretended to date a harpy like that Latin Zsa Zsa Gabor, there is nothing that can ever slake your thirst for the cheap, loud, demanding or tawdry. In other words, Ben Affleck is right where Satan wants him.
Anyone with the perceptive skills of a gnat knows that Benjamin Afleck has for years been involved in a depraved relationship with his lifetime "special friend," Matt Damon. Who plays the pitcher and who is the catcher was made clear when Hollywood featured full-blown shots of Damon’s naked posterior in The Talented Mr. Ripley, a seedy biography of Mr. Damon's shocking life. Naturally, then, Daredevil delights in shoving Mr. Afleck's enormous leather crotch in the faces of the first thirty rows of the theater. Not since Chris O'Donnell and George Clooney frolicked as Latex loving homos in Batman has Hollywood come up with a costume that is as much of a pansy's wet dream as the slinking red number Ben Afleck slithers around in. With thin subtle leather that clings and hugs the contours of Mr. Affleck's ample groin, it was not only readily apparent in most scenes that the somewhat turgid star tends to hang a bit to the right, but his Judeo-Christian heritage is also readily ascertainable.
Lest there be any doubt of the nancy boy influence in this production, the director was obviously instructed by Satan himself to stuff Affleck’s clothing for a realistic effect. We are told by our True Christian™ mole in Hollywood that when Satan could not be directly involved in the script, the film’s writers consulted the early works of renown Satanist, Alister Crowley, to get every detail of the Devil’s updated appearance correct. It is well known among Creation Scientists that Mr. Crowley had an intimate homosexual relationship with Lucifer that lasted nearly three years in Paris between 1894 and 1897. So, it’s doubtless the Daredevil scriptwriters were very precise even to the point of getting the exact size, shape and aroma of Satan’s alluring genitalia correct.
It’s a slap in the face to every living Christian in America that Hollywood is making this trash available to the public. How long will we have to stand for this sort of persecution? When will Jesus return and cook the Hollywood Jews responsible for this garbage in His great oven of fire? How long will our children have to be subjected to films such as this, where Satan openly displays his true colors as a champion to hell bound liberals and demoncrats. I bet the Devil is cackling like a hyena as he watches himself in this film! A sneaky lawyer who bashes hard-working Americans and defends poor, lazy criminals! Are you living in Massachusetts, Satan? You probably have your own law office right there in Boston, surrounded by your Catholic servants! We won’t stand for your defense of worthless trash, nor your love of homos, minorities and paupers! Stand behind us Christian brothers and sisters and say, NO! to this biography Satan in film!