Wonder Man Wondering Just What the Hell Happened to Him
By Eddie Brock
"It's really all just a blur," Simon Williams, the superhero known as Wonder Man, awkwardly chuckles. "You know how people will say that a specific decade is all a blur? Well, I'm pretty sure that since my inception, everything's a pretty big blur." Once a West Coast Avenger, Williams used to be a stunt man for Hollywood films. "I do remember the days I was banging Carol Danvers. Yeah, those are pretty clear. I've actually got those on VHS. You can take that *hit to Walmart now and turn them into digital copies, can't you? Yeah, I need to do that."
When pressed further, Williams said, "I think I was one of the bad guys for a while, there at the start. I don't know. Not much sexing going on there, so I must have been a pretty bad dude. And then...what, I got knocked unconscious and my brain waves functioned in a microwave? I think? And they named it something stupid like 'Clarity' or something. But then...then came the banging days. I was resurrected, or cloned, I really have no idea, but that's when all the nookie just started pouring in. I'm pretty sure I was a good guy by that point. What time does Walmart close?"
I asked Williams about getting his own comic reboot al-la DC's new 52 and he began to laugh. "That sounds cool. Yeah, I'd be down with that. I think that I could get a lot of cool new stories and do some pretty cool things. I'd work on publishing some of my work, you know? Those porn sites will take pretty much anything these days. It's about time they got some celebrity-status, primo videos. Don't get me started on the Tony Stark/Black Widow sex tape. Good grief, was Stark's facial hair distracting or what?"
Williams then began to cry, putting his hands to his head and whispering "Carol, please, no..." and then stormed out of the room to "go do something Hollywood-y." He then began to chuckle at "wood-y."
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