You know what I'm tired of? Hollywood thinking they're better than me. With their fancy franchises that make a lot of money, ensuring comfy living for everyone involved except for the button-pressing monkeys on the extended crews that studios neglect and academies fail to recognize because they're a bunch of corporate piggies... it makes me sick! Well, guess what, [frick]ers! I can do your job better than you!
Yeah, that's right. I'm pitching my own cinematic universe! You think you make money? Just see what I've got in store! You'll all be like "Ooooh, Tom Servo, you so smart!"
Hold on to your asses, fairy boys!
A RedLetterMedia Production
Based on characters by various filmmakers
Inspired by a concept by yours truly, TheRealTomServo
That's right! I've got you beat real good! You have beloved properties, and icons everyone has known and loved for decades with hundreds of thousands of arcs and stories just waiting for adaptation and supplying unlimited potential. But you wanna know what I have? Hack fraudery!
So how about we just get into it? How about we just break this shit down so your collective jaws can drop in awe at my unmatched genius. I swear to God, I'm a Hollywood powerhouse in the making. Disney will be eating
my ass instead of getting it eaten by everyone else! You'll see, Ms. Pitta! This is what you get for taking my Pokémon cards in elementary school, you whore!
PHASE ONE
***
REAL HUMAN BREEN
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Directed by Neil Breen
With the imminent destruction of his home planet, the Being (Neil Breen) seeks to preserve his race by sending his infant son to Earth. The child's spacecraft lands at the farm of Father (Maynard Mahler) and Mother (Rose Mahler) Brand, who name him Aaron and raise him as their own son. Though his extraordinary abilities have led to the adult Aaron (Neil Breen) living on the fringe of society, he finds he must become a hero to save those he loves from a dire threat -- the corrupt United States government.
Cast
Neil Breen as Aaron Brand/Superbreen, The Being
Jennifer Autry as Leah
Derek Savage as President Daddy Derek/Cool Cat
Rich Evans as Game Store Rich
Jack Packard as Game Store Jack
Maynard Mahler as Father Brand
Rose Mahler as Mother Brand
Rich Evans as General Rich Klasowski
Additionally, Len Kabasinski has a cameo in a post-credits scene as Jack/Kabman. Kabman pursues thugs who had just robbed a jewelry store, and after detaining them, ascends to the rooftops, where he overlooks a destroyed Las Vegas and broods.
New Films Incorporated:
Double Down,
I Am Here... Now,
Fateful Findings,
Cool Cat Saves the Kids
***
KABMAN V SUPERBREEN: DAWN OF THE BEST OF THE WORST
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Directed by Len Kabasinski
It's been nearly two years since Superbreen's (Neil Breen) colossal battle with Cool Cat devastated the city of Las Vegas. The loss of life and collateral damage left many feeling angry and helpless, including martial artist-billionaire Jack (Len Kabasinski). Convinced that Superbreen is now a threat to humanity, Kabman embarks on a personal vendetta to end his reign on Earth, while the conniving Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) launches his own crusade against the Real Human Breen.
Cast
Len Kabasinski as Jack/Kabman
Neil Breen as Aaron Brand/Superbreen
Jennifer Autry as Leah
Tommy Wiseau as Johnny
Rose Mahler as Mother Brand
Rich Evans as Game Store Rich
Jack Packard as Game Store Jack
Tom Delaney as James DeSall
McKenzie Grimmet as Chloe Parish/AIDS Girl
Jordan Lawson as Henry "Hank" Howard/Bulk
Additionally, Max Landis, Lenny DiSalvatore, and Matt Hannon have cameos as Larry Allen/The Hack, Silvio DeSall/Black Cougar, and Joe Marshall/Samurai Cop, respectively. Michael Bole has a cameo in a mid-credits scene as Aurelius, in which he calls Chloe, his ex, looking for another chance. She rejects his advances, and as a result, he begins to rage, and two vampire fangs grow out of his mouth.
New Films Incorporated:
Curse of the Wolf,
The Last Vampire on Earth,
The Room,
The Amazing Bulk,
Black Cougar
***
BEST OF THE WORST
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Directed by Jay Bauman and Mike Stoklasa
Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superbreen's (Neil Breen) selfless act, Jack (Len Kabasinski) enlists newfound ally Chloe Parish (McKenzie Grimmet) to face an even greater threat. Together, Kabman and AIDS Girl work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes -- Kabman, AIDS Girl, Samurai Cop (Matt Hannon), Black Cougar (Lenny DiSalvatore) and the Hack (Max Landis) -- it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.
Cast
Len Kabasinski as Jack/Kabman
Neil Breen as Aaron Brand/Superbreen
Jennifer Autry as Leah
McKenzie Grimmet as Chloe Parish/AIDS Girl
Max Landis as Larry Allen/Hack
Matt Hannon as Joe Marshall/Samurai Cop
Lenny DiSalvatore as Silvio DeSall/Black Cougar
Tom Delaney as James DeSall
Michael Bole as Aurelius
Rich Evans as Game Store Rich
Jack Packard as Game Store Jack
Additionally, Rich Evans has a cameo as Space Cop in a mid-credits scene. A gang shootout is occurring in a futuristic city, and the public is panicking. A woman calls out for help, but no one answers. A few blocks away, Space Cop is chowing down on a hot dog, oblivious to the crime being committed right under his nose.
New Films Incorporated:
Samurai Cop
***
SPACE COP: HACK FRAUD SQUAD
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Directed by Vitaly Versace
Figuring they're all expendable, Space Cop (Rich Evans) decides to assemble a team of dangerous, incarcerated supercriminals for a top-secret mission. Now armed with government weapons, Horse Ninja (Jack Packard), the ghost of Harry S. Plinkett (Rich Evans), Future Future Jay (Jay Bauman), Future Future Mike (Mike Stoklasa), and [frick]-Bot 5000 (Jack Packard) must learn to work together. Dubbed the Hack Fraud Squad, the criminals unite to battle a mysterious and powerful entity calling itself Cathy (Randi Allen), who threatens to curse the entire world with an ancient evil.
Cast
Rich Evans as Space Cop, the ghost of Harry S. Plinkett
Randi Allen as Cathy Gimble
Jack Packard as Horse Ninja, [frick]-Bot 5000
Jay Bauman as Future Future Jay
Mike Stoklasa as Future Future Mike, Scientist Man
Jessi Nakles as Wamanda Aller
Josh "The Wizard" Davis as EQ Gedwards
Additionally, Tommy Wiseau and Ron Hall have cameos in a mid-credits scene as Johnny and Derek Washington, respectively. Derek rendezvouses with Johnny on the latter's private yacht, where Derek presents him with the head of Lisa, Johnny's unfaithful ex, as a trophy. Accepting it, Johnny informs Derek of the presence of three Mother Boxes on Earth, and hints towards big plans once he has them.
New Films Incorporated:
Space Cop,
Cathy's Curse
***
BEST OF THE WORST II: WHEEL OF THE WORST
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Directed by Jay Bauman and Mike Stoklasa
After being broken out of prison by Derek Washington (Ron Hall), the villainous Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) uses the power of the Mother Boxes to capture Earth’s hackiest frauds and pit them against one another in gladiatorial combat, with each fighter selected by spinning the Wheel of the Worst. Desperate to escape, our heroes break off into two opposing camps, each hoping to make it out of the Wheel before the other. Meanwhile, Space Cop (Rich Evans), Future Future Mike (Mike Stoklasa), and Future Future Jay (Jay Bauman) go on an intergalactic adventure in search of the Nostalgia Critic (Doug Walker), whose feud with Johnny and own quest for a magical gauntlet may threaten the trio’s chance to take the villain down, and endanger the entire universe!
Cast
Len Kabasinski as Jack/Kabman
Neil Breen as Aaron Brand/Superbreen
Tommy Wiseau as Johnny
Rich Evans as Space Cop, Harry S. Plinkett,
Doug Walker as Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum
McKenzie Grimmet as Chloe Parish/AIDS Girl
Max Landis as Larry Allen/Hack
Jay Bauman as Future Future Jay
Mike Stoklasa as Future Future Mike, Scientist Man
Ron Hall as Derek Washington
Lenny DiSalvatore as Silvio DeSall/Black Cougar
Matt Hannon as Joe Marshall/Samurai Cop
Jack Packard as Horse Ninja
Colin Cunningham as the voice of Porg
Malcolm Ray as Malcolm
Tamara Chambers as Tamara
Jennifer Autrey as Leah
Additionally, Jordan Lawson, Derek Savage, and Michael Bole have cameo appearances as Bulk, Cool Cat, and Aurelius, respectively. They appear when Johnny uses the Mother Boxes to revive some of the BotW's past enemies, in an effort to keep them from getting to him. Greg Sestero and Philip Haldiman have cameos in a mid-credits scene as Mark and Denny, respectively. Mark is sitting in the coffee shop he and Johnny used to frequent, wearing an outfit reminiscent of a noir detective's. He reads a news article about Lisa's disappearance. Knowing it to be of Johnny's doing, he steps outside and into his car, where Denny waits in the passenger's seat, and drives off.
New Films Incorporated: Kickassia, Suburban Knights, To Boldly Flee, Star Wars: The Last Jedi
PHASE TWO -- COMING SOON
So, what did we think? Pretty amazing, eh?
What was that? It isn't?
Ah, shut up. What do you know?
Oh, God, we've got movie sign! Cheers!