-Joker-
“Where do I turn, boss?” my oaf of a driver asks.
“Turn left,” I answer.
“No, the house is down that way, Mr. J,” Harley says, pointing right.
“Oh. Well, turn right then.”
“Sorry, boss. I already made the left,” the driver mumbles.
“Christ,” I growl, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Why is it so hard to get good help these days? Why do all of the idiots always flock to me? Am I the only insane equal-opportunity employer in Gotham? Two-Face always gets the best guys to work for him. I have to deal with these brain damaged morons.
“Don’t worry, boss,” the idiot says, mumbling again, “I’ll turn around in that alley up there.”
“You really shouldn’t mumble, my boy,” I say, brushing a lock of hair out of my face, “it makes it hard for people that speak properly to understand you.”
“Will do, boss.”
He mumbled it again.
“I like your spirit,” I say sarcastically. “It’s the people like you that really try that make this world a beautiful place to live in.”
“Thanks, boss,” he replies, continuing to mumble.
I grumble and turn to Harley, who’s sitting next to me in the back seat.
“There’s no reasoning with this idiot.”
“You want me to drive, Pooky?” Harley asks, grinning from ear to ear.
“I don’t think so. If you drive then he’ll have to sit back here, and if he sits back here then I’ll have to listen to him mumble even more.”
“Did you say somethin’, boss?” the mumbling idiot asks as he turns the car around.
“Could you just drive, please? We’ll tell you where to turn,” I say, only begging just a little.
“Alright! That I can do!”
“Did I ask for a response?”
“Well, no…”
“Then just shut up and drive!”
Harley puts her hands on my shoulders and starts to rub. I try to relax, but it isn’t the easiest thing to do. I have to deal with the whole Robin and Joke-Dweeb situation tonight, and I have to put up with this idiot’s random mumbling rambles.
“How does that feel, Mr. J?” Harley asks.
“It feels as good as it can right now. I think I’m getting too old for all of this. I'm so tired anymore. Will you kill the boy for me, Harles?”
“Sorry, Mr. J, but I don’t think I’d be much good against that Joke-Man.”
“That’s what I thought. Am I still funny?”
“What? Of course you’re still funny, Pooky!”
“Do you mean it?”
“Yep, yep!”
“Then stop rubbing my shoulders and tell that buffoon where to go. I need to save my energy for killing the bird.”
“What’s that ya said, boss?” the moron blurts.
“Harley,” I growl through clenched teeth, “you’d better shut him up before I put my hand down his throat and rip out his insides.”
“Turn left,” Harley shouts as she puts a gun to the mumbling fool’s head, “and keep quiet! That is unless you want your brains splattered all over the windshield!”
“Alright, ma’am! I didn’t mean no harm! Honest!” the dunce squeals as he turns the car left.
I try to calm myself down by thinking about happier times: Robin’s frail little bones breaking under my harsh crowbar swipes; the bullet passing through Gordon’s girl’s spine and taking those naughty pictures; the way Gordon’s face looked when I killed his old lady; the way Churches whole family looked when I killed them. Yes, I’ve had a full life.
Now that I think of it, it’s a little odd that this Joke-Man dolt should want to meet at the Church home. I’m assuming the fool knew the family in some way and wants revenge. I do so love revenge. Whenever people act out of mindless rage it always gets me excited. I could say that that cop Robert Church is the one that set this whole thing up, but he probably threw himself off of a bridge after what I did to him.
Batman says that he’s going to be there tonight. Why does that winged rodent always have to stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong? Sure, it’s his partner whose life is at risk, but what’s another Robin lost? Frankly, I think I did him a favor by killing the last one. That last Robin was kind of a dick if you ask me.
I roll down the window to let some fresh air in. Either the collection of us is heating up the car and brewing a stench or the driver cut one. Harley has clearly noticed the smell as well as she’s covered her nose with her hand. The driver seems unscathed, so I can only assume that he’s making streaks in his undergarments.
“Take a right at the next light and then it’ll be the fifth house on the right,” Harley orders.
“Not much to be seen around this part of town tonight, eh, Harles?” I ask.
“Looks like everyone’s run out of the neighborhood, Mr. J.”
“That’s right. We’ve got them running scared.”
“If it’s not too bold to say, I think its Joke-Man what’s got ‘em runnin’ scared, boss,” the idiot driver boast.
“Is that so?”
“Well, it was just a thought…”
“I’m having a thought too. Maybe we could walk the rest of the way. Why don’t you just pull over there and let us out.”
The mumbling fool pulls the car over to the side of the road. I reach into my jacket as he kills the engine. I exit the car with Harley following close behind me. I approach the driver’s window and knock on the glass. He rolls down the window and I lean down on the frame once it’s all the way down.
“You want I should wait here while—“
I shoot that mumbling jackass right in his stupid mouth.
“I appreciate you opinion, but that was too bold,” I growl at the now dead driver.
“You want me to get rid of ‘im while you take care of Robin and Joke-Man?” Harley asks.
“No, you’re coming with me.”
I place my pistol back in my jacket as I walk away from the car. From down the street I can see the Church home. The abandoned house is the only one in the neighborhood with its lights on. I was right. Everyone on this street has disappeared. Even the shops on the other side of the street have closed and are now vacant. When I was here about a month ago there was activity everywhere. Now there are “for sale” signs in almost every yard. Anyone else that is left on the street is either gone for the night or trying to make it look that way.
I got my wish: they’re afraid of me again.
It doesn’t take long before I reach my destination. The Church home looks to be in much better shape than the way I left it. The heartless vandals of the neighborhood have taken it upon themselves to paint the house. I must have some fans because my name is plastered all over the siding. One thing in particular that sticks out is the ghastly smiley face painted on the front door.
“This place looks haunted, Mr. J,” Harley whispers, quivering up next to me.
“It’s too bad you feel that way,” I say, putting my arm around her.
“Why’s that?”
“Because you’re going in first.”
“What? Why?”
“Oh, don’t be such a baby, Harles! Someone has to make sure that’s its safe.”
“What if it’s not safe?”
“All of the lights are on, Harley. No one is going to jump out at you without you seeing them or anything like that.”
“What if it really is haunted?”
“Like I said, the lights are all on. Ghosts disappear in the light, Harley. Everyone knows that.”
“You’re right, Mr. J! I’ve got nothin’ to be afraid of!”
“That’s the spirit!”
Dumb broad.
To sell my little speech of confidence, I give her a light slap on the rear as she skips off. Ghosts? Seriously? This girl used to be my psychiatrist and she believes in ghosts? I wonder where I went wrong with that girl sometimes, I really do.
Harley leaps completely over the front steps and goes straight for the door. She hesitates a little when she first grabs the knob, looking back at me with a doubtful look. I give her thumbs up and a wide grin. With that she goes all bubbly again and twists the knob…
In a second the entire house explodes and collapses on top of her.
Oh, no! She’s been crushed! She’s dead! My little Harley is dead! This is outrageous! This is unforgivable! That poor sweet girl has been crushed! Why! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
I run up to the rubble, but it’s no use. She has to be dead under there. There’s no way her frail little body survived that. I drop to my knees and run my hands through my hair. I punch the ground and curse myself.
“Joker!”
I quickly look around. Where did that come from? I look at the house next door. There’s no one there. I look at the other house next door. There’s no one there either. Finally, I look behind me…
Joke-Man is standing on the roof of a building across the street.
“Go away from here before someone drops a house on you,” the bastard laughs.
I’m going to enjoy killing him slowly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Robin-
I’m still working on regaining consciousness when I hear Joke-Man’s voice break the surrounding silence.
“Go away from here before someone drops a house on you.”
Why is Joke-Man dropping lines from The Wizard of Oz? I guess that should be the last thing on my mind. As of right now, I’m not exactly sure where I am (though, considering the two weeks are up, I’m probably somewhere near the Church house). My skull feels like it’s been cracked open with a cinder block. I’m clearly tied down, but through foggy eyes I can’t yet tell to what.
It’s easily said that my situation couldn’t get much worse.
As my vision clears, I can start to get a better look at my surroundings. I’m tied to some sort of chimney, which more than likely belongs to the closed bakery across from the Church house. Joke-Man is standing on the ledge about twenty feet away from me. He’s got his hands behind his back and in them he is holding what appears to be my grapnel.
Actually, I know it’s my grapnel because I know exactly what he intends to use it for. Joke-Man was kind enough to leave a tape for me in my prison that described his plan in its entirety. For all I know, the tape could have been in the room the whole time. Maybe if had taken a closer look at that joke book the first time I was kidnapped then this whole mess could have been avoided. Whatever could have happened, this is what’s happening now and it’s not going to end well.
“You’re so predictable, Joker. I never doubted you for a second,” Joke-Man taunts with a haunting undertone of rage.
“Predict this!” Joker shouts from below.
I can only guess that Joker is making a rude gesture with his middle finger. That or he’s grabbing his crotch Michael Jackson style.
“Vulgarity won’t make this night any easier,” Joke-Man growls.
“Says the man who just wasted my girl,” Joker growls in return.
Joke-Man visibly becomes tense. Knowing what I know (I probably know more about this man now than even Batman) that comment probably hits a personal spot in Joke-Man’s heart. Joke-Man’s hands drop to his sides. The tension in the air builds quickly and harshly. I can hear Joke-Man’s teeth grinding all the way from over here.
Joke-Man fires the grapnel…
…and Robert Church quickly reels the Joker in.
I don’t know why Church trusted me enough to reveal everything to me. Maybe he thought that there wasn’t anything that I could do. Maybe he thought I would understand (he wouldn’t know it, but I’ve lost loved ones to maniacs too). Maybe he thought I would join him in revolt against the insane criminals of Gotham. Whatever the reason, Church trusted me and for that I feel safe.
It doesn’t take Church long to get Joker up on the roof. The cable on that grapnel is strong enough to lift a car off the ground. Joker must have hit the wall of the building on the way up because his nose is gushing when he is yanked over the ledge. Joker hits the roof hard and slides for a considerable ways before he comes to a stop. Church throws the grapnel away as if it were trash. I hear it hit the ground after it sails over the edge.
It doesn’t take Church long to throw himself on top of the clown. Joker is aggressively flipped over and punch after punch is immediately delivered to his face. A little blood splatters on my face. Without my hands to work with, I try to blow the small droplet off.
The safety I felt just a few seconds ago is beginning to vanish. Church is attacking Joker like an animal. With every punch Church’s enraged look starts to disappear and he eventually cracks a smile. After a few more seconds, Church starts to laugh maniacally.
I feel so powerless. To watch any human being be beaten this badly (even Joker) is horrible. I struggle with the knots that hold me down. No….They’re not knots. I’m not tied to this chimney; my hands are handcuffed behind it. In my daze I had thought I was tied down, but I was wrong. Whoever hit me hit me pretty friggin’ hard.
Where is Batman? I know he’s here. Bruce wouldn’t let all of this happen. If Church kills Joker tonight, then all of Gotham will be lost to a twisted mockery of justice. If Church keeps hitting Joker like this, then he will certainly kill him. Batman will have to step in soon.
I can understand that one would have doubts going in. Joker could be considered too dangerous to be kept alive, but this is not the answer to his crimes. No one deserves to die this way. Whether he doubts himself now or not, Batman knows what real justice is. He can’t let this happen.
Church delivers one last punch, and then sits back on his knees. He is still laughing, though he’s calmed down a little. Sweat runs down my face as Church reaches into his coat. I know what he’s reaching for and I know it isn’t good.
Then he stops.
“No…” Church says, managing to sound furious between laughs. “I owe you more than that.”
Church brings his hand back out of his coat. Joker writhes on the roof beneath him. Joker looks over at me and winks with his swollen eye. I’ve got a feeling that Church shouldn’t be hesitating. Church puts his hands to the sides of his head and begins to pull up on his helmet.
Joker delivers a swift knee to Church’s groin just as a cord snaps taught around the former detective’s neck. Church soon disappears over the side of the building. The Joke-Man helmet is left behind, having been half off when Church went over.
Joker, as enduring as ever, manages to get to his feet. Fear sweeps over me as I realize that I’m alone and now defenseless on the roof. Joker reaches into his jacket and turns towards me. Death has never felt more immanent than it does right now.
I hear a gunshot below, but Joker is the more immediate threat at the moment. I now know what Jason felt like to have this sadistic clown set his sights on him. I’d rather be in Hell than experience what I’m experiencing right now.
“Looks like…like I’m going to get my…my prize tonight after all, eh… bird boy?” Joker slurs with his bloodied mouth, pulling a knife from his jacket.
I attempt to break the hand cuffs, but when I do I get a surprise…
…someone’s unlocked them.
I free my hands and almost immediately find something behind my back. Feeling it over with my hands, I learn that whoever freed me also retrieved my grapnel and placed it behind my back. I place it correctly in my right hand and slip my index finger into the trigger.
A grin spreads over my face.
“Honestly… even I don’t think this is… is a happy matter,” Joker says, spitting out blood in mid-sentence, “so what…what could you really have to be smiling… about?”
“This!” I shout as I fire the grapnel.
The hook hits Joker, knocking him back off of his feet. In a second I am off the ground and running for the ledge. When I reach the ledge I dive over, flying over the sidewalk towards a street lamp. I’m very familiar with this street and I know what I’m doing.
I hit the street lamp, spinning around it with outstretched arms. I throw the grapnel over the lamp and catch it when it comes back down. By this point, Joker has followed me over the ledge. With the grapnel back in hand, I let myself fall and pull on the cord as I do so. My legs betray me when I hit the ground, but the purpose is served…
Joker is now helplessly dangling from the street lamp.
My legs are no doubt broken or fractured, but I’ll be okay with time. I look around and soon find Church and Batman struggling with each other. Batman has Church pinned by the throat to the wall of the bakery, but Church, seeking out the most exposed spot, is delivering blow after blow to Batman’s naked chin.
With blood coming from his mouth, Batman relents and throws Church to the ground. Church rolls with the fall and quickly gets to his feet. Batman seethes, letting out the frustration that’s been building for weeks, but he doesn’t make another move. There is a bullet hole in his suit just below his right pectoral, but the bullet didn’t penetrate. Church stares back at Batman, seething as well.
Church spots Joker dangling from the street lamp above me. Then he sees me on the ground and laughs. I suppose from an outside point of view that it would seem funny that someone as small as me would take down a fully grown man. Then again, however well trained I am, one has to take into account the damage done beforehand. Church destroyed Joker’s face.
Joker starts to giggle, which takes the smile off of Church’s face and replaces it with clenched teeth of rage. I don’t realize what Joker is laughing about at first, but he clears things up fairly quickly.
“So it was… you all along, eh?” Joker laughs. “I…I thought you’d have thrown yourself off…off of a bridge.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Church says angrily with a rasp, Batman’s strangling obviously having some effect.
“Oh, you…you’ve not disappointed me. I’ll…I’ll be down to finish the job…in a jiffy.”
I immediately realize that I had forgotten to take Joker’s knife when I hit him with the grapnel. I can see Joker’s knife poking out from between the cord. His knife shouldn’t be able to cut the cord, but it seems to be doing the job. Either way, it’s going to take him a while to get free.
“It’s over, Church,” Batman barks.
“Is it?” Church asks, turning back towards Batman. “Because from here it looks like that monster is still alive.”
“I know there’s no way to convince you, but killing Joker will not solve anything.”
“For me it won’t, but it will save Gotham.”
“Gotham doesn’t need to be saved this way. If you kill him, then you’ll become him.”
“I will never be like him! I’m not a mindless killer!”
“You killed Harley Quinn.”
“No, I didn’t. Joker killed Harley when he was cold enough to send her in to her death. Joker could have easily opened that door himself.”
“Then what about the others?”
“What others? No one else has died. I’ve killed no one.”
“Your…your face is killin’ me,” Joker intrudes.
“You don’t remember, do you?” Batman asks.
“What’s to remember?” Church asks. “Until I kill Joker my hands will be clean. Certainly you don’t still believe I’ve killed those police and the mayor?”
“No, you revealed enough to me to prove your self innocent of those crimes. I’m talking about the children.”
“Children? I haven’t killed any children.”
“You did, but with some help you were able to repress the memory. You have no recollection of ever killing them.”
“Who?”
“They were five children that were all once your classmates. Do you remember second grade, Church?”
“Of course I remember second grade. Back then things were simpler. Insane clowns didn’t go around killing people.”
“What about third grade?”
“What?”
“Do you remember anything that happened in your third grade of school?”
“Oh, yes. I had my first kiss in third grade. The girl’s name was Cherry. I don’t see how any of this has to do with my being a killer.”
“How old were you then?”
Church’s face goes blank. Batman’s starting to get to him.
“I was ten,” Church finally answers.
“What happened between when you were eight and when you were ten?”
“I…don’t remember.”
Batman reaches under his cape. When he brings his hand back out, he is holding a file. He throws the file to ground in front of Church. Church looks shocked and confused. From here I can read “Arkham” on the file’s cover and Church’s name is on the tab.
“You don’t remember,” Batman says more calmly, “because you spent those two years in a padded room.”
Joker lets out a short blast of laughter.
“No…” Church mutters, dropping to his knees.
“You went insane and killed five of your classmates with a lead pipe,” Batman says coldly, not letting any emotion break through.
“I killed them…I killed them and I laughed…I laughed like a monster! I killed them like a monster!”
“You were sick Church. Your mind was torn by insanity, but you were rehabilitated. If you thought what you did so monstrous, then don’t let that monster resurface.”
Church grabs the file and gets back on his feet. Church revealed a lot on that tape that he left for me, but he never made any mention of this. True, he’d completely forgotten up until tonight, but this is something that I wasn’t expecting. This makes things so much worse.
Things are different now.
“No!” Church shouts. “This is different! That monster killed my family! He deserves to die!”
“Already your mind is slipping,” Batman says, trying to reason, “you’re being incredibly irrational.”
“I’m being irrational? What do you know? What has he ever done to you? What have you lost to this monster?”
Batman’s expression changes from calm to super pissed.
“He’s taken more from me than you’ll ever know,” Batman growls, referring to Jason.
“Then why do you protect him? Why won’t you be rational? He’s too dangerous to be kept alive!”
“What would you have me do if the families of the children you killed came after you?”
Church’s expression changes again.
“This isn’t about you wanting to kill Joker,” Batman says, seemingly preparing himself for combat. “Joker represents the monster in you. You want to be rid of that part of yourself and your family’s death has given you an excuse. You don’t want to kill the Joker; you want to kill Joke-Man.”
Church charges forward, but Batman is ready for him. Church swings his right fist. Batman grabs the outstretched arm and breaks it at the elbow. Church’s boldness might have faired better if he was still wearing his helmet, but now his head is a target. Batman gives Churches skull one sharp blow with his right elbow and another with his left fist.
Church goes down and doesn’t get back up. Batman towers over the fallen body. Church didn’t have a chance. Over the last few weeks, Church was calm and collective. Everything was going as was planned. What Church didn’t expect was to revisit old demons and that was his downfall. That dose of reality destroyed his already warped mind.
Suddenly, Joker falls to the ground beside me. Somehow, unlike me, the maniac manages to land safely on his feet. Batman reacts, but Joker is very fast and I’m not sure he was expecting him to be free so soon. Joker quickly pulls a pistol and unloads a round straight into Batman’s head. Batman goes down hard.
“Pow!” Joker shouts, gargling the blood in his mouth. “Right… in the kisser!”
Joker skips over to Church, kicking Batman in the side as he passes him. The bullet knocked Batman unconscious, but the protective material in his cowl kept the bullet from passing through. Joker reaches Church and stops to look him over.
“You really… really are a sad looking…boy,” Joker mutters, spitting blood on Church’s face.
Joker turns to me and points his gun my way.
“You…you know it’s really you…I should be killing…but I’m feeling…generous,” Joker slurs, pointing the gun down at Church’s lifeless body. “So I’ll just kill…this bastard.”
For the first time I’ve ever witnessed it, Joker’s smile disappears.
“This is for laughing at me,” Joker growls as he fires the remaining five shots into Church’s chest.
With that, Joker drops his pistol on Church’s head and slowly walks away. There’s nothing I can do to stop him with the condition my legs are in. I have no choice but to watch him just walk away. In a few minutes, Joker has disappeared around the corner and I’m left alone with Batman unconscious and Church dead.