-Joker-
“More bubbly, Mr. J?”
“Don’t mind if I do!”
I hold out my glass and Harley fills it to the brim. Oh, I love it when a plan comes together! I’ll have to find time to thank that decoy. I sip the sweet nectar that is champagne. I love the way it tickles my tongue! All the little bubbles dancing around in my mouth. I look over at Harley and gulp down the rest of the glass.
“More?”
“No, thank you, Harley! Give me the remote.”
Harley climbs off of my giant bean-bag chair and retrieves the remote. Oh, I love this chair! A mountain of beads and packing peanuts held together by a thin layer of fabric. Harley put a hole in it the last time I was out. The cut is still on her cheek.
“Here’s your remote, Mr. J!”
“Thank you, Harley! Now, why don’t you go take a nap while I admire my handy work?”
“Sure thing, Mr. J!”
Harley skips off into the other room. Her breasts bounce up and down in that tight, red and black costume of hers. I must say that her ass doesn’t look bad in the outfit either. But enough of that. I mustn’t distract my self with pointless, erotic fantasy. Let’s see what’s on the boob-tube!
Live with Howard and Jenny?
Barf!
The Early Show with Jane McDonald?
Gag!
Super Crazy Action Heroes?
Oh, the world is truly not a fair place. There are always cartoon shows about the heroes. Where are the shows for the mad scientist, the mutant freaks, or, my personal favorite, the insane clown killer? I swear there is no justice in the world.
Where the hell is the news! I’m losing my patience! All of these damn channels and I can’t find what I’m looking for. How many times do I have to push the damn channel button before I find the news! Wait…! Is that…? No! Dammit!
“Harley!”
“Yeah, Mr. J?”
“What channel is the news on?”
“GNN, Pooky!”
GNN, eh? Well, let’s check…Dammit! That’s it! I hate it when she’s right! Makes me look like a damn idiot! She probably won’t let that go either. Every time she figures something out, she gets assertive and rubs it in my damn face.
Well, that’s fine, because if she tries getting smart with me I’ll put a gash in her other cheek.
“Next on GNN, the tragic story of the Church family. Stay tuned.”
“Yes! Just a few short commercials and my greatest glory will be plastered all over the television for the whole city to see!”
Oh, I hate commercials. I don’t care whether this lady has genital herpes and I don’t care that her husband doesn’t! I don’t wanna hear about Super Fries’ new triple-patty stacker! And who the hell wants to see the tampon commercials! Get back to the damn news! Hey! There’s gonna be a special on hyenas tonight on the Animal Spot channel. Hmmm… I guess commercials aren’t all bad after all. Ooh!
The news is back on!
“Good morning, I’m Danny Turner. Welcome back to GNN. Today we bring you the tragic story of the Church family. We now go to James Hazel reporting from the Church home. James?”
“Good morning, Danny. Last night was not the night for the Church family as a great tragedy hit this family or, more specifically, Detective Robert Church. The Gotham City Police have it on strong authority that what happened here last night was the work of the Joker.”
“HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I love it!”
"The whole Church family, except for Robert, was found dead in their home last night. There has been no sign of Robert, but deceased are his mother, his father, his brother, his sister-in-law, his two nieces, his nephew, and, most unfortunate of all, his wife, Elizabeth. From what I’ve heard, these murders were extremely gruesome and all of the bodies were found in various positions and mechanisms.”
“Mechanisms, James?”
“That’s right, Danny. Mary Church was found on the floor tied to her two daughters who were hanging from rope pulleys. What exactly it was all for, I don’t know, but it is certainly hard to think about.”
“What is the current progress into the case, James?”
“Well, I spoke with Commissioner Gordon and he said that he has formed two search parties. One of them is to search for Joker and the other for Church. However, there is no doubt in my mind that the Batman will be involved in this case.”
I throw the remote at the TV and the screen breaks. Batman! Every damn time! It always comes back to that damn flying rat! He has nothing to do with this! But, if he wants to get involved, he’ll go down just as hard as Church will. I’m not going back to Arkham, not this time and not ever again.
“Is everything alright, Mr. J? I heard something break.”
“Go back to bed, Harley!”
“S-Sorry, Mr. J.”
“Don’t apologize, you idiot! Just do it!”
Jesus! Sometimes I just wanna kill that woman! She’s lucky she’s cute. Ya know, as dumb as she acts sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that she used to be a psychiatrist.
I pull a knife out of my shirt pocket and throw it across the room. It hits the life-sized picture of Batman on the wall. Bull’s-eye! Right in the heart! God, I want to kill him! And to think, I had him right there before Church showed up. I had him dammit! Boom! Right between the eyes!
Hell, I might as well not beat myself up over. I already took care of that issue. Time to move on. What to do now? Kidnap the mayor? No, no, I’ve done that before. Poison the city’s water. No, that didn’t work the twenty times I’ve tried it before, so why try again? No, I need something new.
I climb off of my bean-bag and walk across the room. I pull the knife out of the wall and stare at Batman’s picture. It’s not a photograph. Harley drew it with a crayon and it looks horrible, but it works for me. Damn Bat thinks he’s so damn high and mighty. Thinks he’s invincible. Well, to hell with him.
Pinned up next to the Batman picture is a small piece of clothe. The little yellow and black “R” I ripped off of the Boy Plunder’s costume right before I killed him. A lotta damn good that did. Bat-boob just replaced him like he did with the first Robin. Hmmm? The first Robin…What ever happened to the little bastard? I know for a fact that the Robin I killed wasn’t the original. He was too short. What happened to my old kidnap buddy?
Who knows? Now, the Bat has a new Robin and that damn Flight-Thing working for him. Nightwing! Whatever! Wait! That’s it!
“HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”
Nightwing’s the original Robin! How could I have been so blind! Oh, this is good! This is going to be really good! Why kill Batman? I’ll just wreck his already miserable life by killing his first junior partner! Hell, I’ll kill ‘em both! Nightwing and Robin! Give ‘im the works! Why stop there? I’ll kill that damn Huntress too! Ah, shucks! I’ll kill everyone the son of a bitch ever cared about! Just like I did with Church! That’s means that Gordon’s going down too!
Just the thought is getting me all bubbly inside!
“Harley! Come here!”
Harley steps out of her room wearing nothing but her bra and panties. Woof!
“What is it, Mr. J?”
Dammit! I forgot! Curse her and her damn sexy body!
“…Right! I remember! I’m going to kill them all, Harley! Every god damned one of ‘em!”
“All of who?”
“Everyone that Batman has ever held close to his heart. Oh, it’s going to be fun! Bring the bubbly back out, Harley! And lose the undergarments! We’re having a party tonight!”
“Yay!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Nightwing-
I wonder how long he’s been standing up here. I know for a fact that he knows that I’m standing behind him on the opposite side of the roof. The question is: when is he going to acknowledge that fact? And to think, after as long as I’ve been gone, this is the welcome I get. Rather rude if you ask me.
“What’s on your mind, Dick?”
“Oh, so I do exist? I thought I didn’t there for a second. Better question, what’s on your mind?”
“Nothing that concerns you.”
I walk across the roof and join him on the ledge of the building. I look to the street below and watch the people walk by. They look like ants from this height. I spit off of a building once and he made me wash the Batmobile. I don’t know what the big deal was. It didn’t hit anybody.
“And why is that?”
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you involved.”
“Uh-huh…”
What does he think I am, stupid? I was Robin for a good five years of my life. I think I picked up a few things during that time. At least, I would hope that I would have. Not that I use everything that he taught me, but I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t been for him.
I glance over at the building across the street and then look back over at Batman. I could analyze the situation. There could be a theft of some sort or a hostage situation going on in that building. Then again, if that were the case, there would more than likely be police here. No, he’s investigating something and I have a pretty good idea what it is.
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with that Robert Church thing, would it?”
He doesn’t answer.
“Ignoring the question won’t make it go away.”
“If I say yes, will you promise not to get involved?”
“Have I ever made a promise that I haven’t kept?”
“Yes. And you didn’t make it yet.”
“Fine… I promise you, I will not get involved.”
“Thank you.”
“Was that so hard?”
I look back over at the building across from this one. It’s an apartment building. I was never much of a detective, but the doorman kinda gave it away. I can’t help wonder why he’s here, but he never does anything without having a reason.
“Who’s in there?”
“Detective Charlie Parker.”
“Oh…And he is…?”
“Church’s former partner. You weren’t this pushy when you were Robin.”
“True, but I was a lot smaller than you then too… Former partner? How does he tie into this?”
“Church was seen in the Gotham Central parking lot speaking with Parker the day his family was killed.”
“And?”
“He may have some knowledge of Church’s mental state that day.”
“Oh… So, what are you waiting for?”
“I’m waiting for his wife and mother-in-law to leave the building. I don’t want to burden them, as I would think that Parker wouldn’t want to either.”
“What floor does he live on?”
“The thirteenth.”
“Which apartment?”
“Over there.”
He nods to a lighted window on the thirteenth floor. I can’t make out anybody from this distance, but I’m sure that Batman can. He either has the magnification on inside his lenses or he’s just not looking. That’s always been the weird thing about him: his ability to predict the unpredictable is uncanny.
“I suppose you’re giving me that information just to toy with me?”
“Why would you think that?”
“You’ve already said that you don’t want me involved. So, why would you let me go in there with you?”
“I’m not going to.”
“My point exactly. So, why even bother telling me?”
“To keep you distracted.”
“Distracted? From what?”
“While you were watching the window I injected you with a sedative.”
“What!”
“I’m sorry, Dick. I don’t want you involved.”
Batman jumps from the building and spreads his cape. He floats away towards the building and I start to wobble on my feet. I jump down from the ledge of the building back onto the roof and sit down. My head is spinning like a damn ride at a carnival. My eyes grow heavy and close the shutters on the world. I suppose I’ll wake up safely in Wayne Manor long after Batman has questioned Parker.