Many of you work out and many of you don't and just slither away on your comfortable couches. This first item is for the ladies, and if you're a man and are thinking about getting one I'd rather not know about it. Sure, any sports bra can provide support while a woman is running, lifting weights or otherwise exercising, but most lack style. At least, the kind of style that only comes in lingerie made from fake fur like this one made by Body Rock Sport. Someone's sure to break out in a sweat and ya better hope it isn't the woman of your dreams/
Moving onto the more religious part of Christmas...When one person wakes up on Christmas morning, as a parent, we head off to the kitchen before watching the lil chaotic monsters trash our living rooms with wrapping paper and scotch tape. Therefore, we make our ourselves a good ol' fashioned cup of coffee. What better way than to share it with an image of our good lord himself? The Jesus Shaves Mug is the perfect gift for the man who worships both Jesus and a smooth face. When empty, the cup has the familiar whiskered visage of the savior. Fill it with hot water and, Lord Almighty, his beard disappears faster than all that wine he made from water.
Another great part of Christmas is remembering our Catholic roots. Ya may not be Catholic and you don't have to be to believe in the Virgin Mary. Watching the kiddos unwrap their wondrous gifts reminds us of the hardship it took to bring them to this world. We aren't the only ones who had to deal with 9 hectic months and a full two days in the hospital. Any mom will tell you that being pregnant isn't easy, and, if she was here to tell us, the Virgin Mary would most likely agree. Casaq.com has created a tree ornament that will remind believers that the mother of the King of Kings also had to deal with kicking in her uterus when she needed sleep.
Now fast forward to Noon. The part of the day when all is done and the eating commences. Good now that we have passed that part now think about 2 o'clock. The eggnog has gone down, the mighty turkey and ham relinquished, and the songs a singing! Next thing I know my stomach is also belching and my feet are trembling! Ouch I say! Sadly, the world continues to lionize Steve Jobs while ignoring whoever invented Subtle Butt Liners, a filter that prevents the smell of flatulence from leaving one's underwear. Although having someone give me a device that prevents you from smelling my gas sends a mixed message, don't you want to see the look on their face when I open the gift? Even though this next wishful gift isn't a permanent one and more of a temporary one I'm still gonna be asking Santa for this!
And lastly, everyone seems to be asking for shoes every year. The new Jordan's, The new Nike's. The new Batman kicks. The new DC's. Whatever cool trend is out there, I know most of you say they cant be any better than how they arrive. Well my peeps I know how I can make your New Pair of kicks ten times better!! Behold, Scented Shoelaces!! Shoes aren't known for smelling good, but that's not the case with Scented Shoelaces, a scratch-and-sniff laces that smells like bubble gum, fried egg and pizza. We will take the manufacturer's word for that as we don't like to put our noses near our shoes under any circumstances. You can bet my next paycheck is going towards a set of these bad boys! Please Santa?!
Okay I lied....I have one more item I would love to have and I'm pretty sure yall would too. Its rare. Shiny. Ooh Lala. Small. Compatible. Re-usable. And It'll make you look like a million bucks! So the question is, What do you get the person who has everything? How about a ketchup packet? No? How about a brass sculpture of a ketchup packet made in exacting detail (except for, obviously, the ketchup). Artist Herb Hoover sells these for $80 a pop, and while it's not for everyone, this gift will surely cut the mustard for the right person.
So that's my list! See not every Nolanite always thinks of Batman and Nolan! We are normal and like the simpler things in life. I doubt Santa will get me these things so I'm just going to ask the Wife and hope she comes through. It'll keep me pleased while my kids are out tearing things apart in the house with their better toys and gadgets. Personally, I love the Jesus Shaves Mug. What about yall?