Ten Superman Superpowers That Would Ruin MAN OF STEEL
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Now you'd think that along with heat vision, frost breath, x-ray vision, super hearing, super smell and photographic memory would be more than enough for Superman to have, but throughout the character's history we've gotten a number of other random, bizarre and ridiculous powers attributed to the last son of Krypton, any of which would instantly ruin next year's Superman reboot MAN OF STEEL. Let's hope that Warner Brothers, Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder know better than to give Superman any of these powers:
10. Super Kiss
At the end of Superman II, Lois has found out that Clark Kent is Superman. Now, he must assume that Lois is just a horrible, uncaring bitch who's going to run an expose on the cover of the Daily Planet outing him as Superman, otherwise, he'd just ask her to keep it between them. But rather than politely asking her to keep a secret, Superman decides to scramble her brains with a Super Kiss, making her forget everything she's learned. Just imagine if Lex Luthor had found out Superman's identity!
9. Super Face-Mushing Power
Way back in the forties, Superman could do all kinds of things he can't do now. In Superman #45, he mushes up his face to turn himself into an alien, so he can infiltrate a species trying to invade earth. Why he never used this ability before or after is a mystery. One thing comes to mind though, if he had super face mushing power, why the hell did he never use it to make a better disguise for himself other than horn-rimmed glasses?
8. Super Ventriloquism
This power was also featured back in the 1940's, but, unlike most of the other powers on this list, Super Ventriloquism appeared more than once! Somehow comic writers back then felt that in addition to flying and super strength, Superman also needed to do stupid parlor tricks to thwart villains. It's surprising that Clark Kent never took up ventriloquism professionally. That would have been a much better secret identity. No one would ever suspect a dorky ventriloquist of being Superman.
7. Super Great-Wall-of-China-Rebuilding Power
Of all the ridiculous things in Superman IV (and there are A LOT of them) this has to be the most absurd. During his fight with Nuclear man (if you don't know who Nuclear Man is, you're lucky), Superman and Nuclear Man fly all around the world fist-fighting each other. When they get to China, Nuclear Man blows the crap out of the Great Wall of China and after the fight, Superman somehow puts all of the bricks back in place by simply looking at the rubble. It makes you wonder why Superman never did this to any American landmarks during his many battles that caused collateral damage here at home. I guess it's just up to the taxpayers again to pay for someone else's mess.
6. Super Cigar-Smoking Power
At some point during the 1960's, Superman was committed to an insane asylum where he met a man who believed he was General Ulysses S. Grant. In addition to to allowing Grant to ride him like a horse in a very sexual manner, he accepts a dozen cigars from the General as a thank-you gift. Soonafter, Superman needs to create a smoke screen for some reason, and he smokes all the cigars at once to distract his enemy. A wonderful message to send to kids if there ever was one: not only is smoking cool, but it will SAVE YOUR LIFE! Way to go Superman, at least Joe Camel only smoked one cigarette at a time.
5. Super Loki Power
Another one from Superman II (Not the Donner cut, and if you've never seen the Donner cut, what is wrong with you? Stop reading this article and go watch Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut, now). During the final fight between himself and the evil Kryptonians, Superman tricks them by creating hologram duplicates of himself. Basically the same hinge that Loki does in Avengers. Like Superman didn't have enough powers already, he has to steal powers from other comic book characters.
4. Super Earth-Rebuilding Power
Granted, he didn't do it with his mind, but it's so far-fetched it makes it even harder to swallow that him rebuilding the Great Wall. Okay, so, in World's Finest issue 241from 1976, Batman and Superman are in space while Earth blows up or something and Superman grabs a bunch of pieces from other planets and asteroids and stuff and builds a new earth from scratch. He also uses his super-breath to basically operate as an atom-smasher, then he creates Earth's new atmosphere by blowing on it. I don't know how all the people returned to Earth, and I shudder to think what part of Superman's bod they came out of.
3. Super Midget-Shooting Power
No, Superman never shot a midget. At least, I don't think he did… Does Mr. Mxyzptlk count as a midget? Anyway, during an adventure back in 1939, Superman loses all of his powers due to radiation poisoning but gains one new power: the ability to shoot a miniature version of himself out of his hand that possesses all of his powers. How? Why? What kind of drugs were the writers doing? All of these questions come to mind. Clearly the creators of this comic had no idea what radiation does. Granted, this was created prior to us dropping the bombs on Japan, so I guess this is as logical a guess as any for the side-effects of radiation.
2. Super Spin-the-World-Backwards-to-Time-Travel Power
It upsets me very much that the epic conclusion to such a wonderful movie made this list. Superman: The Movie is an amazing, breakthrough film. Well acted, well written, well directed, but the conclusion to this story should make anyone shake their heads. Lois Lane dies, so Superman flies around the world so fast he reverses the direction of Earth, thus allowing him to travel back in time and save her. Whoever came up with this ridiculous logic should have their head examined. If Superman were able to reverse the direction of Earths rotation (and that's a gigantic IF), all he would do is send everyone and everything on Earth hurtling into space. In addition, there's a fair chance he'd knock Earth out of orbit altogether. Plus, even if he could turn back time like this, how the hell did he know that? Wouldn't he at lease hesitate before trying it for the first time? Isn't he supposed to be Earth's savior? Yet he's willing to risk us all on a hunch with some very flawed logic.
1. Super Whatever the F--k This Is
In Superman II, Superman doesn't just create duplicates of himself and Super Kiss Lois, he also, during the final fight scene, pulls off the "S" from his costume(though it still remains there) and throws it at the evil Kryptonian Non. The paper shield grows somehow and wraps itself around Non like a giant piece of Saran wrap, temporarily subduing him. That's it. It's just about the most baffling moment in Superman history, an unexplainable power that someone spent thousands of dollars on to produce the effect for. The only possible explanation to this is that Richard Lester lost his mind during filming.