-Robin-
Not that the Joker was ever funny, but this is definitely not what I would call a “knee-slapper.” Lying on the ground beneath my feet is a guy, he can’t be much older or younger than me, and he’s as dead as a doornail. The guy’s got black hair, like mine, and an athletic body, very much like my own. The likeness the guy bears to me is the littlest of my worries. No, I’m more concerned about the fact that Joker has him dressed up in my suit.
Thus, the police think that the Joker has killed Robin. Well, they don’t anymore. I mean, I’m standing here now with the commissioner and, having arrived just a few seconds ago, Batman. I don’t know what the Joker’s trying to do, or what any of this means, but it doesn’t look good for me. I really should be concerned for the dead guy on the floor, but if this is sending the message that I think it’s supposed to be sending, I have every right to fear for my life right now.
I can only imagine how Batman feels right now. He already lost Jason to the Joker and hearing of my death must have hit him pretty hard. When he got here, I heard him give a huge sigh of relief and he hugged me right here in front of the police. Cha! Right! All the relief he showed was a small murmur and a touch on the shoulder. After that, he went to work investigating the crime scene.
We haven’t figured out who the guy is yet. Why the Joker chose this guy, I have no idea. It’s probably the similarities between his appearance and mine. I really hope that Joker did this to send a message; if he thought that this guy was me then he’s dropped to an all new low. Batman’s pealed the mask off the guy’s face, but no one has been able to identify him yet. I’m sure that Batman took a finger print and will check it when he gets back to the cave. I’m hoping that he did, because I haven’t seen the police take a fingerprint yet. Then again, these are the leftovers that Gordon has to work with since everyone else is covering the Joker and Church case.
“Robin, we’re done here.”
I look back to see Batman walking off into the shadows. He certainly is in a hurry, isn’t he? I can’t blame him. There’s lot more going on in Gotham right now than this. I take a last look at the guy on the floor and follow Batman’s path out of the room.
I exit through a door at the back of the building and find Batman in the alley waiting for me. At least I think he’s waiting for me. He’s standing across the alley with his hands against the wall and his head lowered. I can’t truly understand what he’s going through right now, but I can try. These last couple of weeks have to be taking their toll on him.
“It’s getting harder, isn’t it?”
“Every day.”
That’s all I decide to pry out of him. If I thought that I’d get anymore of a response, then I’m sure that I would keep prying. However, the likeliness of that happening is uncanny. The whole time I’ve known him, Batman has been a brood and I’ve learned to accept that. Though, one day breaking through that shell of his is a lifetime goal of mine. Right now I’m zero for about…a trillion. Oh well, comebacks have been known to happen.
“I’ve already contacted Alfred. He’s scheduled you a flight out of Gotham tomorrow morning.”
Whoa! Didn’t see that coming! If you could only sense the sarcasm in my words. I knew that he would do this. Joker’s made a threat on my life and, after what happened to Jason, Batman wants no repeat of what happened to the last Robin. Sure, I’m a little upset and I’d like to argue, but I know that it would be futile. One way or another, Batman will get me out of Gotham.
“Where am I going?”
“To England. You’ll be staying with an old friend of Alfred’s.”
“Sweet. I’ve always wanted to see London…and actually be able to, ya know, take in the sights.”
“You won’t be in London.”
“Ah, dammit! I knew it! You’re sticking me with a hermit!”
“I can’t have him finding you.”
“And what makes you think that he’d actually go to England just to kill me?”
“Because I know him better than you do.”
Well, I can’t argue there, and I might as well stop arguing now. Whether I like or not, I’m going to be spending God knows how long sipping tea with a shepherd in England. That’s what hermits in England do, right? They herd sheep? Well, at least that’s what I’ve gathered from movies. Granted, those movies were about medieval England, but the idea doesn’t seem unlikely.
“Well, at least while I’m in England I don’t have to go to school.”
“Alfred’s friend is a school teacher.”
Dammit! I can’t catch a break! A hermit, a shepherd, and a teacher! Where does Alfred meet these people? I guess the stereotype that all English people are boring isn’t too far off. I’d actually follow that stereotype had I not ever met Alfred. He may be dull sometimes, but he’s got a nice sense of humor about things. I think that you’d have to if you were going to live with Batman for most of your life.
“I guess I should get home and pack then?”
“Immediately.”
“Aye, aye, sir. I’m sure that you’ve got work to do.”
“More than you know.”
So, I walk off and head for my motorcycle at the end of the alley. England? Why did it have to be one of Alfred’s friends anyway? Doesn’t Bruce Wayne have connections somewhere cooler in the world? What about Hawaii? That would be an awesome place to hide from the Joker. I mean, for one, on the safety issue, it’s farther away from Gotham than England and two, on the subject of personal pleasure, Hawaii is way more fun than England. I could actually swim in the water in Hawaii. The water in England is way to cold this time of year to swim in.
As I hop on my motorcycle, I look back to the alley. Batman’s already gone, of course. I can’t even fathom what he’s going to do to the Joker when he finds him. The only thing I’m sure of is that there’ll be a lot of punches thrown and a lot of blood due to those punches. In short, I am absolutely positive that when Batman finds Joker he’s going to kick his ass. I’d like to help, but, hey, I’m gonna be in England.
I kick the motorcycle to life and take off down the road. Ah, there really is no other feeling like this in the world. Speeding down the streets of Gotham, not a single other vehicle on the road; I can go as fast as I want. However, that could change at any moment. That’s why I’m wearing the helmet. If I hit a car that pulls out in front of me, or anything else, I’d rather my brain not splatter all over the pavement.
I pass the towering buildings of Gotham, quickly glancing at them as I go by. Gotham really is a beautiful city, in a gothic kind of way. I don’t know who designed the layouts for some of these buildings, but it’s hard to look up and not see a gargoyle or some other sort of protruding statue. Like I said, it’s beautiful, but it just seems like such a dark place. It’s no wonder Gotham has all of the insane criminals that it has; the environment fits the crazies perfectly. The Waynes couldn’t have chosen a better city either. Not that they knew that they would be killed and that their son would grow up to be a vigilante, but I don’t think that Batman would work in any other city.
In the distance I can hear police sirens. When I was a small boy, the sound of sirens would make me jump from my seat and run to the window. Now, after spending a few years as Robin, I mostly ignore the sirens. It’s not good to become desensitized to crime, but I really have no more fear of it. No, I don’t get afraid anymore; I mostly just get angry. Though, having seen that dead guy dressed up like me, I am in a bit of a fear for my life right now. Let me rephrase that…I’m scared to death. Who knows when Joker will make his move?
Well, I’ll feel all the better once I get on that plane and out of Gotham.
As I fly through a red light, I hear the loud roar of an engine behind me. Well, guess I’m gonna have to slow down. I start to brake and another motorcycle flies by me. What the hell was that about? I come to a complete stop and look ahead at the other motorcycle, trying to see the rider. Up ahead, the guy on the motorcycle, whoever it is, squeals to a halt, spinning around to face me. He’s about a footballs-field’s-length away from me and I can make out a few details. For one, he’s wearing this goofy freakin’ smiley-face helmet which, by my experience, isn’t a good thing.
Well, I decide that waiting for him to come back to me is pointless because he’s just sitting there on his bike. So, cautiously, I kick the engine back on and slowly ride over to him. As I get closer, I can start to make out the details of his bike also. From here it looks like there are smiley-faces covering the whole motorcycle. What the hell is up with this guy? Where do I get off asking that question? I’ve dealt with an insane clown, a guy with a half-burnt face, and a woman that dresses like a cat, why does this bother me? Anyway, I get up to the guy and I come to a stop. I take another look at him, waiting for him to say something.
“Nice bike.”
Not bad for an icebreaker. I was thinking about using that one myself, but I’d be lying. Who’s to say that he’s not lying though? Well, if he is, then he has no taste in motorcycles because this baby can haul ass. I try to come up with a cool phrase of my own.
“Nice helmet.”
Nailed it.
“Your Batman’s partner, no?”
“What’s it to you?”
“I take that as a yes. Seems Joker’s put a target on your head.”
“Once again, what’s it to you?”
“Well, Joker also put a target on my head.”
The irony here is uncanny.
“Yeah? Does he wanna kill you too?”
“No. He’s done his damage already.”
“Well, as you can probably see…you can see out of that thing, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, as you can see, Joker hasn’t gotten to me yet. Now, if you’d kindly move out of the way, I have a plane to catch.”
“So, Batman’s sending you away?”
“Yeah. Would you move please?”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Really? Why the hell not?”
“Well, I’m trying to find Joker and Joker wants to kill you. Seems I could get him to come right to me; that is, if I had something that he wanted.”
I don’t like where this going.
“Sorry, ‘Boy Wonder,’ but I have to do this.”
The guy pulls out some sort of gun and aims it at me. Before I even know what the hell’s going on, I’m on the ground on my ass, getting the life shocked out of me. Son of a bitch just tasered me! Damn this hurts! Yeah, my suit’s absorbing a lot of the electricity, but this still hurts like hell. While I’m thrashing on the ground like fish out of water, the guy is walking towards me with a club in his hand.
“I figured that suit would absorb the shock; still works as a distraction though. No, this is what’s gonna knock you out.”
I’m getting shocked and the guy wants to club me? And I thought that seeing myself dead would be the worst part of my night.
“And, in case you’re watching, Batman, the name’s Joke-Man.”
So, “Joke-Man” hits me with the club and my world goes black.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Joker-
“Oh, what a beautiful morning! My, what a wonderful day! I’ve got a beautiful feeling…Everything’s goin’ my way! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Ah, here I sit, now, in my bubbly hot-tub, celebrating my latest venture! I’m not much one for “Oklahoma,” really, but I felt that the song was fitting for the moment. Harley sits on the other side of the hot-tub in her beautiful red and black bikini; I must say, it shows off her body nicely. I love hot-tubs! Especially when those bubbles shoot at my ass! It tickles! Well, Harley was kind enough to find some green dye and pour it into the water. I love green! Most of the dye has filtered out, but Harley’s gesture is much appreciated.
As I sit, a small, rubber ducky comes floating my way. The cute little bastard’s wearing a harlequin hat and has the most beautiful grin on his face. Oh, and those frowning, bloodshot eyes top it all off! My, he’s just so damn cute! I pick up the ducky and squeeze ‘im.
SQUEEK!
“Ooh, hoo! He! He! He! He! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah, that’s just precious! What a cute little ducky! Say, where did you find this, Harley?”
“I found it in one of the old storage crates in the back. Do you like it, Mr. J?”
“Oh, yes, I do! Why, I could play with this little ducky all night!”
I squeeze the duck again.
SQUEEK!
“Ha! Ha! I just can’t get over it!”
“Gee, Mr. J. Ya act like ya never seen a rubber ducky before.”
I shoot a glare Harley’s way.
“Are you getting short with me, Harley?”
“What? Oh, no, Mr. J! I’d never-”
“Really? ‘Cause that’s exactly what I think that you are doing.”
I reach over the edge of the hot-tub and grab a large, wooden club. I put down my ducky and twirl the club in both hands. Ya know, forget that stupid duck; I love this club more. I love the way it’s splintered and the old, rusty nail protruding from its end.
“No, Mr. J! Not the club!”
“No? Well, maybe there’s something else you’d like to say, hmm?”
I stand and walk to the other side of the hot-tub, twirling the club in my stride. When I get to Harley, I squat down and look her right in the eye. The girl’s about to cry! Oh, please! Every damn time I threaten the woman, she starts to cry! Jeez! What the hell is ‘er problem!
“I’m waiting, Harley.”
“I’m…I’m sorry.”
“See! Was that so hard! Now, stop the boo-hooin’ and join me in a toast!”
I hand Harley a glass of champagne and take one for myself. I hold it high over my head and I motion for Harley to do the same. Ah, hell! She’s still cryin’! Oh well, we can’t all be perfect like yours truly. I flick my glass with my finger and turn away from Harley towards a large pile of stuffed animals across the room.
“May I have everyone’s attention please?”
I wait three seconds then continue.
“I’d like to make a toast…To Robin! May his death come slow and painful!”
I gulp down the champagne and look back to Harley. She’s still holding a full glass. I motion for her to drink while I push a button on a nearby stereo. The clap-track plays and there is cheering to be heard in the background. I bow to my audience of bears, pigs, and tigers.
“Thank you! Thank you!”
I pull a small remote from my jacket, which is draped over the side of the hot-tub. There is a big, red button right there in the center of the remote. I gently rub my finger over the button. I turn back to my audience and grin widely.
“Good even, and thank you all for coming!”
I push the button and the crowd of stuffed animals shoots into the air in a ball of flame. One of the bears flies from the pile and lands in the hot-tub. I jump with glee and hop over to the other side of the hot-tub to pick it up. Once I have it, I carry the bear back over to Harley.
“For you, my dear.”
She takes the bear, hesitantly, and looks it over.
“Gee, Mr. J, he ain’t even got any legs.”
“Always have to keep your audience on the edge of their seats, Harley. Or, twenty feet above their seats in a great ball of fire! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Oh, I just kill myself! I wrap a robe around myself and step out of the hot-tub, grabbing my effects at the same time. I walk across the near-empty floor over to my giant beanbag chair. I jump up into the chair and throw my effects down to the floor. Harley steps out of the hot-tub also, but, instead of coming my way, she heads off to her room. Fine! I don’t need her anyway!
“Well, let’s see what’s on the boob-tube.”
After I broke my last TV, I had to steal a new one from the department store down the street. 70 inches of pure perfection! Don’t ask me how I got it out of there, because I don’t even think that I know. Let’s face facts, a guy my size cannot lift a 70 inch TV. I’m not Superman and nor would I ever want to be.
So, I check the channels, desperately trying to find something to watch. It’s ridiculous really; all of those channels and I still can’t find anything to watch. Then, I reach my safe haven. The cartoon channel! Oh, God bless it all! Cartoons, cartoons, cartoons! I just can’t get enough!
Oh boy! “Falling Hare!” I love this one! Bugs Bunny meets an annoying, little gremlin and they have the loveliest of conflicts. That gremlin almost does Bugs in at the end by almost crashing a plane. Yet, Bugs survives once again and endures more adventures afterwards. I swear, one day that rabbit’s gonna get his and, when he does, I’ll just laugh and laugh and laugh.
The TV screen goes black. What happened? No! Not my cartoon channel! What kind of sick, twisted joke is this? Dammit, I want my cartoons! I change the channel and the next channel in line is coming in just fine. I change the channel back and the screen goes black again.
“Harley! What did you do to the cable?”
“Nothin’, Mr. J!” She calls from the other room.
“Then, what the hell is wrong with it?”
The screen lights up again, but, instead of my cartoons, some bozo in a smiley-face helmet appears on the screen. Now what the hell is this! This son of a bitch had better have a damn good reason to be interrupting my cartoons! Dammit I’m pissed! I’ve never been so friggin’ pissed! Well, that is with the exception of what happened with that Church fellow.
“Good evening, Joker.”
“What?”
Odd…The TV knows my name.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your precious cartoons, but I think I have something that you want.”
“Really? Because what I want is for you to shut up and put my cartoons back on!”
The idiot in the smiley-face helmet steps aside and focuses the camera on something in the background. Well, I’ll be damned!
“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“Robin.”
“Ah! Hoo! Hoo! He! He! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“You want him dead, I want you dead. If you want Robin, you’ll come get him at the old Church home before midnight in two weeks. If you don’t, I’ll cut his throat and you can watch him bleed right here on this same channel. That goes for you too, Batman. Midnight. Two weeks. It’s nothing personal, Bats. Just business.”
Oh, this is too good! That’s one out of the way! I can go kill Nightwing while this moron kills Robin in front of the entire free world! I stress “moron” because this guy is clearly in over his head. If I’ve learned anything in all of my years as Batman’s pest, it’s that you don’t piss him off if he knows where to find you. That’s why I piss him off and hide. Best strategy in the world.
“Anything thing that you’d like to say, Robin?”
The guy grabs Robin by the hair and lifts his head. Robin’s out cold, so the guy shakes Robin’s head with his hand signifying “no.” Well, this guy may want to kill me, but I think that he’s absolutely delightful! Perhaps we could help each other? This guy could kill all of Batman’s cronies, because he’s clearly established that he’d be willing to do it, and I’d just kill everyone else!
“Apparently not. Midnight. Two weeks, Joker. Oh, and the name’s Joke-Man.”
The screen goes black again for a second, and then my cartoons come back on. Finally! Joke-Man? Really? This man is clearly just as crazy as I am, but he couldn’t come up with a better name than that? If he was going to go that corny, he should have called himself Smiley-Face-Man.
“Did you hear that, Harley?”
“No. What’d I miss, Mr. J?”
“This buffoon, Joke-Man, says he’s going to kill Robin!”
Harley comes skipping into the room with a big grin on her face.
“Really? Gee, that’s great, Mr. J!”
“Of course it is, dear. Now, I can focus my sights on Nightwing and the rest of Batman’s posse while this moron keeps Fat-man occupied with Robin.”
Though, something doesn’t seem right about this whole scheme. Why give me a whole two weeks to meet him? Why does he want me to meet him at the Church house? Odd…Oh well, I’ve got bigger fish to fry; though, birds might be the more appropriate terminology. I jump down from my beanbag chair and saunter over to Harley.
“Go and warm up the car, Harles. We’ve a bat lackey to kill.”