Huey: Talk about self-hating black men.
Huey Riley and Granddad go into the party. Wuncler walks up to them.
Wuncler: Robert! You’re here. Excuse me everyone. These are the new residents of
Woodcrest, the Freemans.
Everyone claps.
Granddad: Hello. I’m Robert and these are my Grandsons Huey and Riley
Huey: Hello
Riley: What’s good?
Everyone claps again. A boy comes up
Wuncler: Robert, I’d like you to meet my grandson. Ed Wuncler the third
Robert: Well nice to meet you Ed.
Ed: Sup. (Fist bumps with Riley)
Robert: So you just got back from Afghanistan
Riley: Whoa, Really? Was there guns and crap?
Ed III: Of course there were guns and crap.
Riley: So what was it like?
Ed III: What's it like?! What am I supposed to say to that? It was cool, them
terrorist was Lookin stupid with they curtains, yaknawmean, the ones that be
coverin’ they dang faces... dangit, well, It was WAR. It was war, basically.
War, you know what that's like? Friggers be like shooting (imitating a machine
gun) Gah-geh-ga-ga-ge-gu-ga-gow! Bombs blowin' up. An' ya know, the shoot scared
me. It scared the crap outta me. Matter o' fact, I crap on myself over a dozen
times. And I ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what
that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know,
the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name
became "Stink Bomb," you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our
position, because of the crap smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm
saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, "Well forget y'all. Y'all
go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich." (Notices everyone is
staring blankly at him) The Frigg y'all looking at?
Riley: (enters Ed’s room. Stares at all the guns) Dang bra, is they forealz.
Ed III: Real? Let’s put it this way if I put this gun to your head and pull the
trigger will you die?
Riley: Um…Yes?
Ed III: Heck yeah you would.
Riley: Ooh is that a ak-47?
Ed III: Yeah it is. (Puts on bullet proof vest) Shoot me wit it.
Riley: you sure that vest will stop this ak-47
Ed III: Man I’m determinate in dis vest. (Drains an entire bottle of beer in one
swig then belches loudly.) Go ahead pull the trigger.
Riley: Are you sure that-
Ed: Pull the dang trigger NOW!!!
Riley: Ok. Say hello to my Lil friend (shoots and flies back into the door)
Camera turns to Ed as he gets shot out the window
Ed III: WAAAAAHHH!!! (Lands on the ground outside where the party is being held.
All the rich people stand up to look at him and he sits up to look at them.)
Frigg ya'll lookin' at?
The rich people start clapping. Cuts to Huey talking to the rich people.
Huey: All I’m saying is that Ronald Reagan was the devil
Rich Man 1: you are such and articulate young man
Huey: Why won’t you listen? Ronald Wilson Reagan, each of his names has six
letters. Six, Six, Six. Don’t that offend you?
Rich Man 2: I love this kid
All the rich people start clapping
Huey: What? What are you doing? Why are you clapping?
Camera turns around and zooms in to Granddad walking toward the salad bar.
Wuncler comes up.
Wuncler: Having a good time Robert?
Granddad: It’s uh…um…it’s…it’s um
Wuncler: Come on, have a drink with me (hands Granddad a drink) you look
nervous. Do I make you nervous Free-Man?
Granddad: What? No, no of course not. I was just keeping an eye out for the
boys. This is a great party.
Wuncler: The only joy I have about these kinds of parties is so I can tell mean
spirited jokes of other people’s expense.
Granddad: I do that too
Wuncler: Check out that guy, (camera points to a man drinking a margarita) why
is his face all twisted up like that? He looks like he just shot a gerbil.
Granddad: Ooh I see Huey. I’ll be right back
Huey: (Still talking to rich people) Tell me this. Why was all the video
recording of the pentagon attack ceased by the FBI and never seen again?
Rich Woman 1: He speaks so well
Rich Woman 2: He’s adorable
Huey: Are you people even listening to what I’m saying? (You see Granddad’s hand
pull Huey out of the camera’s view) WOOAAH!
Granddad: Boy of you ruin the party I’ll sho-
Huey: Ruin the party? They love me. They’re not worried about us. They’re not
worried about anything. They’re rich, no matter what happens these people start
applauding. I didn’t know that all Rich people are like Paris Hilton.
Rich people start clapping.
Uncle Ruckus: (grabs mic) Excuse me, may I have all you people’s attention. My
name is Uncle Ruckus no relation. I wanna share a song with y’all I just wrote
called “Don’t Trust Them New Negros Over There”. Sang along if you know the
words. (Singing badly) Don't trust them new negros over there! Leavin' their
negro essence in the air! Them happy, nappy-head negros, with their fingers on
the triggors! Don't trust them new negros over there! Don't trust them big
nostrils over yonder! They suck up so much air, it'll make you wonder! Don't
trust them new negros, with they nappy big negro afro’s! Don't trust them new
negros over there!
Rich people start clapping
Huey: See
Camera moves up until it is faced towards the sun. Rapidly shows the sun going
down and stops at sunset. Camera pans out and then zooms into focus of Huey
sitting at a table.
Riley: (Walks up) ‘eh Huey, Do you think we in trouble?
Huey: You shot his dang grandson out the window what do you think? Why would you
do such a dumb thang Riley?
Riley: He told me to Huey so you can shut the heck up befo’ I staple yo’ top lip
to ya bottom lip.
Huey: Look I’m sorry for screaming I’m just confused. I mean, I hate living up
in here with these white people, but I don’t want Granddad to lose his house
Riley: Man I hate that stupid house. Oh well I shot a cau-cau Heh-Heh-Heh
Camera pans up and you see Wuncler on the balcony looking down on Huey and
Riley.
Granddad: (walks up) Um…Mr. Wuncler I’m sorry for the whole...um...you know, my
grandson shooting your grandson thing…are you mad?
Wuncler: Let’s put it this way, my grandson will be the president of the United
States in 40 years and he’ll still be as dumb as heck. Here take a drink
Granddad: Thanks
Wuncler: To the old school
Granddad: To the old school
Act 2 scene 3
Huey: Yo Riley wake up! Riley, Granddad wants to tell us something.
Riley: dang Huey are you my alarm clock?
Huey: No, but what would you rather have, as an alarm me or Granddad whooping
your sorry butt?
Riley: I'M UP! I'M UP!!!!