Hello, and welcome to the first in a new series. It’s where I tell a regular encounter between hero and villain, but from the villains point of view. I hope you enjoy!
Jack Napier was cornered. On one side, was a vat of chemicals. On the other, a vigilante. He was scared. He also had a tuxedo and giant red bowl on. He lost his balance. Jack tripped, and fell. The vigilante tried to save him, but he fell too fast. Jack Napier closed his eyes, and prepared for the worst. He fell into the vat, and was surrounded by chemicals.
THE JOKER
by Comiccow6
“Have you ever wondered how I feel? Of course not. Not really. Of course, who WOULD want to know what goes on up here? Not me, that’s for sure. Ha! You know...I could tell you. How’s that sound? It’s a good story. Go grab your lawn chair, some popcorn, and maybe a beer! This is gonna be good.”
“I was standing over a bat. Well, the Bat. Or is it the Bat? I know there’s a Batgirl, but...never mind. Anyways, he was on the floor, and I was over him, a knife in my hand, laughing my head off. I crouched down, the knife in my hand. It felt good. It felt really good. To have someone you hate on the floor. To have this one thing, this one little thing that can decide life or death in your hand, and to have them stare up at you. Of course, I knew I wasn’t going to kill him. Why? Two reasons. The first was because he’s just so fun, and I could never really kill him. Only if he was in mortal danger, and someone else was going to. The second reason was because in the time I had been standing and crouching, and all that crap, he had put me in a headlock. Good ol’ Bats. By the time I was on the floor, him now standing over me, I think I had lost a bit more of my mind. That’s when I saw it. The knife! In my reach! Oh, glorious day! Then he slammed his boot into my face.”
“Soon, I was being shoved into Arkham. I smiled.”
Joker: “Good to be home! You should really rent a room here Bats. No roaches, the manager might be a bit annoying, but-”
Batman: “Shut up!”
“That’s my life. Bad joke. Shut up. Bad joke. Day after day. It’s wonderful.”
Joker: “Hey, Warden, I’m gonna be on my way soon, so, you don’t have to tidy up or anything.”
Warden: “Be quiet clown!”
“Ugh.”
Joker: “I’m not a clown. I’m insane! How dare you make fun of my appearance!”
Warden: “I said be quiet!”
“As I was led to my home sweet home, I saw some other patients. Made some jokes in my head.”
‘Let’s see. There’s crazy cat lady. Steriod hoarder. The guy you should definitely film from his left. Oh, there’s tree hugger, Captain Hook’s worst nightmare, Mans, bad tux, and her.’
“Yes, her. She was horrible. Her voice. The way she spoke to me. The way she LOOKED at me! God, I hated her. I hate to admit it, but I would rather have Crazy Quilt as my partner! Ha ha ha ha ha! She yelled at me through her glass window. She didn’t have her costume on, but she was still pale. Not as pale as me though. Ha!”
“Hey, Mister J! Mister J, over here! What’s up?”
Joker: “Hey there Harley!”
“As much as I hated her, I needed her. Couldn’t have her run off a cliff, crying her eyes out. I’d actually like to see that. Anyways, they brought me to my cell, and threw me in.”
Joker: “Don’t forget! The key’s under the door mat! See ya!”
“I started walking around the cell, thinking of an escape plan. It had to do with Bane, a couple thousand LEGOs, and a nuclear bomb. I warned you of what was going on in here. Well, as I laid down on the little steel bed I had, it hit me. I don’t escape. Come on Joker. You can do it. Just go along with the stupid, so-called doctors, act like you’’re getting better, be released, and blow Gotham to hell. I liked it. Plus, Bats wouldn’t know when to expect my return. Of course, the next day, I decided against it. It was at the lunchroom.”
Harley: “Mister J! Hey! Hey! It’s me Mister J! Harley!”
“My eye twitched. Believe it or not, I wasn’t smiling. I’ve had more fun when my crotch was being...well, you get the picture. And as much as I wanted to get out of here, I had to go along with it, right? Wrong. This was horrible. I had to get out! But how? I’ll spare you the full plan, but again, Bane, LEGOs, and a nuclear bomb. Maybe a gun, to blow out Harley’s brains.”
Harley: “Mister J!”
“And pop goes the weasel.”
Joker: “I AM WAITING TO GET FOOD! DO YOU HEAR ME!?! I WANT TO EAT SOME DAMN FOOD! WILL YOU LET ME DO THAT!?!?!?!?!”
“Then, some goon came towards me. Bad move.”
Goon: “J, calm down. It’s not the end of the-”
“So then, I grabbed a fork, and I stabbed him in the eyeball. Then I pulled it out.”
Joker: “I’ll have some potatoes.”
“Then came the guards. They grabbed my arms, and pulled me out of the room. Here’s a tip, if you’re going out, go out with a bang. I was screaming, and yelling, and putting my heels on the floor. I think I broke free, and knocked one out. It was fun. I woke up in my cell. Ha! As I looked around, I saw that it wasn’t my cell. Ho boy. This should be fun. I banged on the glass, and a security camera in there looked at me. Soon, a dart was in my neck.”
Joker: “Heh. Heh heh. Oh, that isn’t exactly funny.”
“I dropped on the ground. The next day, I was sitting in my maximum security cell.”
Joker: “When’s lunch!?!”
“A tray was pushed through a slot in the door. I couldn’t tell exactly what the food was. It was brown, stale, and smelled like hair. Unwashed hair. It was horrible. And just what I needed. I threw the crap at the camera. Sparks flew out.
Joker: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
I picked the thing up again, and slammed it against the glass on my door. After a few minutes, it shattered. The glass. And the slob of whatever it is. I climbed through the hole, as guards piled in.
Joker: “Oh. Hello.”
“I ran. The guards didn’t catch me. They didn’t even come close. Not by the hair of my chinny chin-chin. Then I came to a complete stop at the locked door. Then there was this loud buzz, and the door opened. There was a guard, with Harley, of all people. I didn’t care, but, weird coincidence, y’know?”
Guard: “Patient transfer-er-er-ah!!!”
He ran, and I smiled.
Harley: “Mister J! Aren’t you gonna help me? Mister J? Please? Help me?”
Joker: “No.”
I walked out of the room, and ran through the cell block. Things were going good. There were sirens everywhere. I saw everyone. Made sure to wave, and promise a postcard from the outside. Some threatened me. Others stared at my achievement. Some even congratulated me. Some didn’t notice, or even care. They were used to my escapes. I met up with a guard once or twice. The first I knocked out, and I took his gun. The second I blew the brains out of. Good times. I came to a stop outside the penitentiary, and took a deep breath. Then I went on a killing spree. After making it to the mainland just before they cut it off from the island, I looked around. The Bat-Signal in the sky? Check. The Batman trying to stop me? Not check. Maybe he was at Arkham. Maybe he was-”
Batman: “Stop right there Joker.”
“Oh. There he was.”
Joker: “Oh, but Bats, the fun is just beginning! Ha ha ha ha ha!”
“Here’s another tip kids. If you ever escape from an Asylum, and are cornered by a vigilante just as crazy as you are, make everything seem like it’s going just as you planned.”
Batman: “What do you mean?”
Joker: “Oh yes. Of course I’ll tell you my master plan. Ha ha ha ha ha!”
“The Bat ran at me. I took a swing at him, punching him in the jaw. I pressed my luck, and tried to get in a second. He grabbed my fist, twisted my arm, and tripped me. I s[racial slur]ed, and rolled out of the way, as his foot came down. I hopped up, and ducked under a punch, uppercutting him. Fun as hell. I kicked his crotch. He then grabbed my shoulders, and threw me on the ground. He kicked my face. He did it again, and I grabbed his boot.”
‘Now what do I do?”
“He pulled his boot away, and slammed the bottom of it onto my face. I grabbed it, faking pain.”
Joker: “Okay, okay. You win. Please, just don’t hurt me anymore! Please!”
“The idiot grabbed my wrists, pulling me up, and I head butted him. Then I screamed for real. It hurt.”
Joker: “God, what is that thing made of? Lead?”
Batman: “It’s lead-based.”
Joker: “That was rhetorical dimwit.”
“Bats grabbed the back of my head, and slammed it into his knee.”
Joker: “Stop doing that!”
“As if on cue, he did it again. Then I remembered: I had a gun! I pulled it out, and pointed at him.”
Joker: “Say your prayers, Dork Knight.”
“I pulled the trigger.”
-click-
Joker: “What?”
“I pulled it again.”
-click- -click-
Joker: “Damn it.”
He ran towards me, ripping the gun out of my hand, throwing it in the river, and head butted me. Nice. I was out cold. When I woke up, well, you know where I was.”
Joker: “It was fun while it lasted.”
“My head came to a rest on my palm. I frowned. The next day, I was in the lunchroom. A goon with an eyepatch walked towards me.”
Goon: “You can consider me in Penguin’s gang now. Least he treats his men right.”
“To make things worse, Harley walked over to me.”
Harley: “Oh Mister J, I understand why you left me! And I can forgive you. I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, much!”
“Here’s the last tip kids. It’s, always think positive. When Harley nearly choked the life out of me with a hug, I thought about having a gun and shooting her, then cutting off her arms, throwing the body in a river, and living a long, happy, Harleyless life. That would be so much more fun.”
So, that was the first of my villain fan fics! I hope you enjoyed it! It’s short, but I’m not used to this style of writing.
What villains do you want to see me do? They can be Marvel or DC.
Until next time,
Comiccow6.