Alright, so this is my first night with my border/roommate living in my house. The economy is rough and I have to do what I have to make mortgage payments. The guy tells me he’s going out, goes into his room to get changed and comes out dressed in a full green lantern outfit telling me that he’s going to square dancing costume party….not just any green lantern outfit mind you but the full suit that includes the foamy muscles that makes you look like you have elephantiasis. Now if that doesn’t make you’re head spin, check this out, he told me that “THE GREEN LANTERN IS GONNA FLASH SOME GREEN AND BRING HOME A LADY” . I don’t want to make him seem that bad, after all he did leave a box of tangerines on the kitchen table and that was nice. So since my life has become a sitcom or at least a reality show waiting to happen I decided to take inspiration from the night’s events, grab a couple of 40’s, and watch the GREEN LANTERN….drunk.
Now we’ve all seen the movie and I’m sure some of us die-hard fan boys, against better judgment and the tenets of fiscal dogma, went out and bought the blu-ray just so there was no holes or inconsistencies in our sociological identities as fan boys, but nonetheless I have my problems with this movie. Normally I pride myself on seeing something in a bad movie that no one else sees (or at least I think no one else sees), as you can tell from reading my previous reviews, but this time, I just can’t find it, No matter how many times I take soundings in the depths of this movie, all I can discern is liquid mediocrity…even with a couple of Billy Dee Williams wife beater drinks in me. I watch it and I watch it hoping to mine a precious gem of substance, but alas there is none to be found.
Well what exactly is wrong with this movie? For starters, it suffers from an extreme inferiority complex, in other words, MARVEL envy. This movie is like that petite 5’2” girl you know that drives around in an 8 cylinder Chevy Durango, it always looks like she’s skydiving every time she gets out of the car, and hangs out at the local Irish bar drinking and swearing with men who are built like 800lb apes but inexplicably she goes home alone…it’s all because she’s got something to prove. This movie tries to level up with IRON MAN, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, and yes even THE INCREDIBLE HULK but falls flat on it’s face and exposes itself for what it is….a poser. THE GREEN LANTERN attempts to be humorous in a way that is supposed to be relevant and modern (like the aforementioned MARVEL movies) but it comes off as trying too hard…. “There’s water in the tap”…or… “I’ve seen you naked, you don’t think I wouldn’t recognize you because I can’t see your cheek bones!?”. You know maybe if it was a different movie I would laugh, but for some reason in this movie it just rings hollow….all of it, not just my quotes! Now I don’t know who’s fault this was…the director, the writers, the studio executives, or even the shareholders, but I don’t care….what matters here is that they all blew a chance to turn one of our childhood icons into a marketable franchise.
Secondly we have Ryan Reynolds. YES YES I know he was good for the 2 minutes he was on screen in the WOLVERINE movie playing something that remotely resembled Deadpool from the comics, however it is my personal opinion that this individual should be brought up on charges by the Feds for “distortion of reality”, tried, and subsequently thrown in the Hague. I mean come on! Nobody has abs like that and I live in Jersey! Get a beer gut Ryan! You’ll be more relatable that way.
Finally we have plot and action. Both are pretty much at best, thin and at worst, nonexistent in the movie. It’s a hard sell to believe that PARALLAX upon being released would go from the LOST SECTOR automatically to earth… it just doesn’t gel, at least not with me …even under the influence. Also Hector Hammond, a classic Green Lantern villain is somewhat marginalized in this movie and under developed. We only really get two interactions between the Green Lantern and Hector Hammond, and the first one ends with Hector screaming in pain for no discernible reason and the Green Lantern flies away thinking that’s good enough….well it’s not good enough Warner Bros. !!
In conclusion this movie has no jugular to sink your teeth into, or, no yellow brick road for you to follow. There is too many half baked themes thrown into the mix that never really get resolved and end up being as thin and shallow as the actors/actresses in the movie. So the only thing green to look forward to is Hulk in the AVENGERS and possibly my complexion if my roommate does bring home a hooker....but certainly not the Packers or the Jets. Though this is hard for me, because I did buy the blu-ray (just so my shelf had a sense of completion), I give it 2 out of 6 empty bottles. Sound off below boys.