Let is be said now that these movies mostly speak for themselves and I need give little reason for why they need to be remade. With that said, let’s get to the ass-pounding.
1. Dragon Ball (Evolution)
This one speaks personally to me, me being a fan of the Dragon Ball franchise. To say I hated this movie would be a lie, but the only reason I liked it even a little bit was because my expectations were so low going in. If that’s you’re attitude before even watching a movie, then the movie probably isn’t any good. First off, why the “Evolution” bullshit? What’s evolving? The movie was called Dragon Ball for the longest time before someone threw that crap in, so why change it? Goku’s lack of tail was nonetheless disappointing. An American actor is no problem, but Chatwin is. I don’t if it was bad directing or just piss-poor acting, but Chatwin was a bad Goku. The story was off from the original and not very entertaining (which would have helped compensate for the other shit). One could say that the movie carried the same ridiculous tone that the cartoon did, but that’s beside the point. The kind of stupid BS found in DBE is acceptable in a cartoon (because it’s a cartoon), but fans expect a more serious take on the story when moving into live action. Worst of all: Fox. Need I say more?
Remake=Dragon Ball, Starring Dominic Scott Kay as Goku
2. Mortal Kombat
This movie fell victim to the worst fate possible: low budget and bad acting. Sure, all of the ice and lighting and slinking reptiles seemed cool when I was six, but now the CGI just looks like shit and makes the eyes sore. The costume quality was obviously sacrificed to pay for the cheap CGI. Sure, Sub-Zero and Scorpion looked accurate, but the costumes looked like something my mother could have sewn together. Back to the aforementioned bad acting, Goro was probably the best actor in the movie and he was a giant puppet. Then again, with a voice like Kevin Michael Richardson backing ya up you can’t really lose. Except for when some tucked-in-shirted douche punches you in the balls. Dirty pool, Cage! Dirty pool! In mentioning fight scenes, there were few. Sure, you might be able to count a good amount on your fingers, but speed those fights back up into real speed and you’ve got about two full minutes of fight footage for the whole movie. If the fight scenes had lasted as long as they did in real speed instead of slow-motion, then this movie could have been better.
Remake=Mortal Kombat, Starring Rain as Liu Kang
3. Super Mario Bros.
I think we all know what’s wrong with this one.
Remake=Super Mario Bros., Starring Jack Black as Mario
4. Ghost Rider
Mark Steven Johnson picked the right guy to play Johnny Blaze. This being because they both know how to take a shit on a movie. Daredevil was okay, but Elektra is up to her neck in shit. Don’t get me started on Cage’s flicks. Those films are so far below the shit that they are beyond saving. So, put these two together and Ghost Rider finds itself swimming lengths in the septic tank. In Columbia tradition, this film focused more on the human character than the superhero of the movie’s namesake. When I go to see a CBM I expect to see more of the costume (or flaming skull in this case) than I expect to see Cage’s massive receding hairline (you can throw a wig on it, but I know it’s still there).
Remake=Ghost Rider, Starring Seann William Scott as Johnny Blaze
(That may sound bad, but he’s the best thing that came to mind. Trust me.)
5. The Punisher
Isn’t the idea of a reboot/remake to make something better than the original? Because that’s not what Punisher: War Zone looked like. If I could turn back time, I’d erase that piece of hooky and make a sequel to Jane’s Punisher. Unfortunately, unlike Superman, I can’t fly backwards around the world and reverse things. So, I’ll have to accept the idea that maybe one day someone will remake the movie again and make it right. If Batman can get seven movies, then Punisher should get at least one more shot.
Remake=The Punisher, Starring …Some future qualified actor.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for this one, folks. If anyone has any suggestions, please say so. I know there are more shitty movies out there, but I can’t think of all of them and I’m more tired than my old man tryin’ to get up a flight of stairs. (Sorry for the lack of images, but I can't upload them on dial-up. I'll post the pics when I get to a high-speed computer.)
Good day, my brothers (and sisters)!