This is part one of my amazing spiderman 2 parody. Enjoy!
Fade in.
INTERIOR. Oscorp. Evil experiments wing. So apparently the whole building.
Richard Parker poisons and kills his experimental super power giving spiders.
RICHARD: There! Now I have successfully killed the spiders that the movie will establish are useless to everyone but me and my son, making this an utter time waster and completely pointless!
Richard's security clearance is revoked!
RICHARD: Oh no! What a completely foreseen occurrence that I knew was coming and yet has taken me completely by surprise!
Richard rushes out of the building, apparently being chased by approximately ZERO security guards, despite him setting off an alarm.
INTERIOR. Peter Parker's house of loserdom. Basement.
Richard records a VIDEO of himself.
RICHARD: So, I'm being hunted by an evil corporation that wants to kill me and the government who wants to throw me in prison as a traitor. Naturally, this makes me want to waste time recording a video that there's a one and a million chance anyone will ever see. I'm a genius, by the way.
PETER: Dad! I've realized how pathetic it is that I am apparently playing hide and go seek by myself!
Richard stops the recording and runs up the stairs and into his office.
RICHARD: Oscorp has ransacked my office! For some reason! And without making any noise!
INTERIOR. The house of Aunt May and someone unimportant named Ben.
Mary and Richard say goodbye to Peter. Peter grabs Richard's hand as he walks out the door.
PETER: Dad! Please don't leave me with these clearly inadequate and unimportant guardians!
RICHARD: Sorry son, but the last movie established that you didn't grab my hand, so good riddance.
Richard and Mary leave.
INTERIOR. Plane.
MARY: He won't understand.
RICHARD: I don't even understand it! If my blood is what makes the spiders usable, why am I leaving my son completely unprotected and open to be used as leverage against us?! And why did I leave my briefcase with my clearly unimportant brother and his wife May that could surely put them in horrible danger?! Am I just that big of a douche?!
EVIL ASSASSIN (bursts in): Apparently!
The Assassin kills Mary!
RICHARD: NO! Eh, who cares.
The plane begins CRASHING because it sensed that there was a need for DRAMATIC TENSION and the DEATHS OF THE MAIN CHARACTER'S PARENTS. Richard fights and defeats the Assassin, because scientists can totally just do that, ask Man Of Steel. The Assassin is sucked out of the plane's window.
EVIL ASSASSIN: I REGRET NOTHING!
Richard uploads his video to his batcave on his computer FROM THE FUTURE!
CUT TO BLACK.
Fade to a red spider instead of a title because Marc Webb thinks he's Christopher Nolan. Open in a complete tonal shift from the first film, because if there's one thing people love it's when a sequel blows off half of the concepts of the first film to pander to people who hated it. Peter swings through New-York, after apparently jumping out of an airplane. A helpful blowhorn announces police business to the public so Peter can hear and help stop the Oscorp plutonium truck that has been stolen by someone the audience doesn't know that name of.
RUSSIAN MOBSTER: SAY HELLO TO ALESKI SKETCHOVITCH!
Well, thanks, that was helpful. Peter lands on the truck and proceeds to act like a total douchebag, because Marc Webb decided that THAT was what needed to be preserved from the last movie.
ALESKI: Why are you making jokes and not stopping me from running over all of these people in their cars?!
PETER: Pfft! I'll do better than that! I'll steer you into more traffic and then do nothing to stop you from hitting those cars! Besides heroes don't have to save people anymore! They just have to kill the bad guy and have angst about stuff! Unless, of course, those people are important to the plot. Speaking of which!
Swings away to save Max Dillon and ONLY Max Dillon.
MAX: WOW! You saved me and no one else! I must be pretty important to you!
PETER: Nope. The writers just need a contrived and lazy reason for us to meet so you can have an equally contrived and lazy reason to hate me, because literally 2 minutes of thought was put into the plot and characterization of this movie!
Is glared at by Marc Webb, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci and the entire board of directors at Sony.
PETER: Uh, I mean, YEAH! Of course you're important! You're my eyes and ears out here, and stuff... You're so important that I'm going to stand here and boost your ego instead of stopping the stolen plutonium truck being driven by Aleski Sketchovitch, who seems to be on crack!
Peter's phone magically appears out of nowhere, as it rings his theme song (cute right?) and he is then hit by a vehicle, because what's spider-sense again? It's Gwen. Peter then hallucinates (or sees the ghost of? Eh, who knows? Not the writers and director that's for sure.) CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY!
PETER (shrieks in TERROR): HOLY CRAP! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THIS MOVIE WAS DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHAMYLAN!
GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: No. Worse. Marc Webb again.
PETER (shrieks in TERROR again): NNNNOOOOOO!
GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: Will you just shut up and answers the phone already!? I'm contractually obligated to be in this movie, but if my scenes are short enough no one will pay close attention to me and my career won't be ruined by this.
Peter answers the phone while riding on the vehicle.
GWEN: Peter, where are you?
PETER: Seriously? Do you have ask? You do remember I'm Spider-Man, right?
GWEN: Of course! Are those sirens?
PETER: *FACE-PALMS*
ANNOUNCER: Valedictorian, Gwen Stacy!
GWEN: Holy crap! I'm valedictorian?! I thought this sash was just a fashion accessory!
Peter slap sticks his way through grabbing the plutonium.
GWEN: I was going to give a big pretentious speech about how I now know more about life than any of you, but I decided to just come out and say that I am totally going to be killed off at the end of this movie, because I figured that that would be more subtle.
Peter stops the truck and defeats Aleski with the power of grade-school bullying!
Peter gets to his graduation, swinging from something, getting there just in time to get his diploma and prove how unlikable he is by making out with Gwen in the middle of the stage, because Andrew Garfield felt like it.
EXTERIOR. HIGH SCHOOL. AFTER GRADUATION. DAY.
MAY: I wish Ben was here.
Peter looks puzzled.
PETER: Who?
MAY: Your Uncle Ben. You know, the most important figure in your life.
Peter is still dumbfounded.
MAY: The speech about responsibility in the first movie!
PETER: Oh! Yeah! That guy! Responsibility and stuff... Yeah, he was great. Now let's talk about my parents!
May glares in annoyance.
MAY: Hey, there's that girl who is going to di-I mean, there's your girlfriend! Why don't you leave me to sulk in peace while you two cute dialogue/possible sexual innuendo the audience death!
Peter proceeds to do just that.
PETER: Hey, don't you think it's strange how you don't seem to feel any guilt about the fact that you're totally middle-fingering your father's memory?
GWEN: Pfft! Why should I? It's not like I cared about him or anything...
PETER: Yeah... I'm starting to notice that these movie's have a problem with parent/child relationships. I'm not even sure if I feel guilty about inadvertently causing that-guy-whose-name-I-forget's death.
GWEN: Guilt's for losers!
PETER: I think you mean it's for non-sociopath's.
GWEN: Whatever! Marc Webb's totes cool with the young people and knows what they want! And that's protagonists who don't care about anything!
PETER: I was totally just telling that to someone earlier!
Gwen pulls out her phone showing a picture of crack addict Aleksi Sketchovitch's failed plutonium robbery.
GWEN: Was it THIS someone?
PETER: Whoa! That's an awesome life threatening picture that person took! How'd they get the camera off his corpse and post it so fast after the truck hit and killed him?!
GWEN: Were you there or not?
PETER: Uh, yeah. I'm like Spider-Man. Be honest, did you forget that?
GWEN: No!
PETER: And where's Flash?
GWEN: I'm pretty sure his show doesn't start until October on The CW.
PETER: No! Not the show with the actor that people wish were playing Spider-Man instead of me! I'm talking about Flash Thompson!
GWEN: Who?
PETER: That guy who was my bully but then became friends with me for no discernible reason and because Marc Webb doesn't understand what nerd empowerment means!
GWEN: Oh. Yeah. We're just pretending like that guy doesn't exist now because this is basically a soft-serve reboot. So, just play along.
PETER: O-kay.
GWEN: Now, don't forget to come by so we can have sex- I mean... So I can read you my speech.
PETER: Totally.
Peter's spider-sense goes off and Peter sees Ghost/Hallucination?Captain Stacy again!
PETER: Wait a minute. Why is my spider-sense going off? Is it predicting danger for Gwen and you're a side-effect? Are you hallucination? Or are you a real ghost warning me and THATS what's setting off my spider-sense?
GHOST/HALLUCINATION?CAPTAIN STACY: It's best not to think about it. No one involved in the making of this movie did. Just know that no matter what, Marc Webb doesn't understand how spider-sense works.
EXTERIOR. EVIL OSCORP'S EVIL ROOFTOP OF EVIL-FLASHBACK.
Captain George Stacy lays, dying.
ALIVE!CAPTAIN STACY: So, you're really not gonna use that lizard serum you took out the Denali thing to heal me and save my life?
PETER: Nah.
ALIVE!CAPTAIN STACY: Then, Peter, promise me you won't bang my daughter because I totally know how dumb she really is and she'll totally risk her life for no reason whatsoever because she's that pigheaded.
PETER: I promise.
Peter's snickers as he holds his fingers crossed his behind back.
EXT. GRADUATION-PRESENT DAY.
GHOST/HALLUCINATION?CAPTAIN STACY: Oh, yeah, I forgot to say something: You're a total douchebag.
PETER: You don't have to tell me twice.
EXT. RESTAURANT-LATER THAT DAY... AT NIGHT.
Peter and Gwen talk outside.
PETER: I've gotta break-up with you because the movie needs unnecessary melodrama- I mean, because I couldn't live with myself if you got killed for no reason like your Dad did!
GWEN: But then we wouldn't be together! (Actual line) Who does that help?
Peter stares at Gwen, stupefied, before snapping out of it.
PETER: What are you, crazy? It help's us both! I don't have to live with the guilt of being a complete douchebag because I broke a promise to a dying man to get into your pants, and I can avoid any future guilt I'll have if you run idiotically face first into danger! And you won't die! See? Everybody wins!
GWEN: But it's not Daddy's choice! It's MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
Gwen stomps her foot like a three year old throwing a temper tantrum.
PETER: WOW. I was also gonna say that you won't have to feel guilty for hooking up with whom it was your father's dying wish for you not to hook up with. But clearly that's not an issue.
GWEN (Actual line): You have done this to me again and again. Yo-
PETER (cutting her off): WHOA! Hold the phone right there! I've done this before this movie?! How many times have I hallucinated your Dad? And why have I not had myself locked up because I'm dangerously insane?!
GWEN (Actual line): I break up with you, Peter. I break up with you.
Peter stares at Gwen, stupefied, again, before again snapping out of it.
PETER: No, Gwen. I break up with you. That's what this whole thing was about. Were you not paying attention? Did Emma Stone seriously think that Gwen breaking up with someone that's already in the process of breaking up with her would somehow make her seem like anything other than bratty? And why are you talking like He-Man?
LATER.
Peter goes through montage of ridiculous shenanigans.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE.
Peter stops a robbery while buying like ten bottles of cold medicine, because HA HA, colds.
CLERK: Hey, did you just put your costume on in my store?! How come my cameras didn't catch your face?!
PETER: Probably the same reason I'm buying cold medicine even though my spider blood is supposed to cure diseases!
CLERK: Because nobody involved with this movie thought anything through?
PETER: BINGO!
CLERK: Thanks for saving me man.
PETER: Well, bask in it because it doesn't happen often in these movies!
EXT. ROOFTOP-DAY.
Peter stands on a rooftop, staring at Gwen walking up to a restaurant. Peter hears sirens and swings off, as Gwen looks back to where he was, because she sensed his presence? Maybe?
GWEN (VOICE OVER): That was the first night that I dreampt of Edward Cullen. Wait... This is the wrong script... Eh, close enough.
INT. MAY'S HOUSE-MORNING.
Aunt May knocks on Peter's door.
MAY: Peter, can I come in?
Peter jerks awake, still in his costume, with his mask half on his face, for some reason.
PETER: NO! JUST LET ME CRAWL AROUND THE WALLS AND CEILING FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, THEN YOU CAN COME IN!
Peter proceeds to do just that. And he somehow manages to do it without getting off any clothing at all because at this moment his suit is apparently unable to be removed for some reason, except his boot, which conveniently falls on his door remote, which unlocks the door.
MAY: Peter, the final is at nine! And I need you to pretend like I didn't tell you about that, because I'm keeping me going to school a secret from you for some reason!
May opens the door. But Peter manages to drop to his bed and cover himself up, just in time for May to come in.
PETER: Why didn't I just do this in the first place!?
MAY: What happened to your face?
PETER (Actual line): I was just cleaning the chimney!
May stares at Peter, stupefied, before snapping out of it.
MAY: What are you, high? We don't have a chimney!
PETER (Actual line): Whhaaat?
MAY: Seriously, are you high? And why am I not freaking out over your clear stoner attitude when I yelled at you for staying out late in the last movie?
PETER: Maybe because you know I'm Spider-Man!
MAY: Whether or not I know you're Spider-Man will change depending on which scene I'm in and probably if that scene was reshot so Sony could coerce this into a Sinister Six set-up movie. And besides, If I knew you were Spider-Man, wouldn't I act differently and not be so confused in this scene about your excuse?
PETER: Of course not! That would require this movie to make actual sense! Which would strip it of any of its contrived comedy and nonsensical drama!
MAY: And why is your face dirty when you wear a mask?
PETER: Weren't you listening? This movie makes no sense!
May leaves the room and Peter uncovers himself. Peter stands up and sees his Dad's briefcase. He picks it up.
PETER: How the heck did this get out of my closet? Oh right. It got out by way of contrived drama.
Peter has a flashback of taking a picture with his parents where he takes off his father's glasses and puts them on that is meant play on the nostalgia of Peter doing the same thing in The Amazing Spider-Man 1, but instead just dilutes even more.
INT. MAX DILLON'S APARTMENT OF CRAZINESS.
Max's apartment is WALLPAPERED with images of Spider-Man. Max begins shaving in front of a cardboard cutout of Spider-Man that he apparently posed for.
MAX: It's good to see you Spidey, my bestest friend in the whole wide world!
Max begins speaking in a deep voice, pretending(?) to be Spider-Man, FOR REAL.
MAX!SPIDER-MAN: It's good to see you too Max. I made you a birthday cake!
MAX: WOW! You're Amazing!(wink wink) They should call you The Amazing Spider-Man!(wink wink, nudge nudge)
MARC WEBB, ALEX KURTZMAN & ROBERTO ORCI (yelling at the audience): GET IT, PEOPLE?!
MAX!SPIDER-MAN: Wait a second... So, are you crazy, or just pathetic? You do know that Spider-Man didn't really make that cake for you, right? Seriously, how far does this delusion go?
MAX: It doesn't matter! No one involved in this film cared enough to try to define my characterization as anything other than obsessive and crazy.
INT. PETER'S HOME.
MAY: Can you get that deleted character to pick up for me at the diner? I just don't want to worry Peter by telling him the truth that I'm getting my nursing degree, so instead I'm gonna tell him I'm working long arduous hours at a diner, even though he already knows, because I just told him about it this morning. Why am I keeping this a secret from him, you ask? Because every ounce of conflict in this movie is based off of nonsense.
Peter walks in and Aunt May hangs up to avoid him hearing her phone call even though he already knows, but will pretend like he doesn't for some reason.
PETER: What was that about? Was it about something I already know about but will pretend like I don't for no reason at all?
MAY: Yes. It was me asking my boss for more time at work.
PETER: I don't like you working so hard.
MAY: Well, I do. I like the deleted scene girls, especially that one deleted scene girl.
PETER: Who are you talking about?
MAY: It doesn't matter. She's a divergent. Anyway, it also gives me more money for the cookie jar.
PETER: Did you just... rub your fingers together to signify making money? My God, aren't you an Oscar winning actress or something?
MAY: Who cares? My character and her sub-plot have little to no purpose in this movie, despite the fact that our relationship is supposed to be very important.
PETER: Good point. Well, speaking of things that are supposed to be important to Spider-Man, but are for some reason shrugged off, I sold another picture to the Daily Bugle, because nothing says staying true to the source material like almost completely ignoring a vital character from it and relegating them to an unimportant pointless reference or plot device.
MAY: Like your Uncle Ben.
PETER: Who?
MAY: Exactly.
Peter walks up to the washer with a bag that has his costume in it. May stops him.
MAY: What are you doing?
PETER: I was just about to do my laundry.
MAY: Let me do it.
PETER: I'm in college now. You don't have to do my laundry anymore.
MAY: Are you in college? I thought this was still the summer? Does that count as being "in college"?
PETER: Who knows? This movie has no concept of time.
MAY: The last time you did the laundry you made everything blue and red! And because this is one of the scenes where I apparently don't know you're Spider-Man I am baffled by this!
MARC WEBB, ALEX KURTZMAN & ROBERTO ORCI, AND THE SONY BOARD OF DIRECTORS: HAHA, GET IT? WHY USE FUN VISUALS TO DISPLAY COMEDY WHEN WE CAN JUST USE THE AUDIENCE'S MEMORY OF SOMETHING FROM THE RAIMI TRILOGY AND PLAY ON THAT INSTEAD OF CREATING OUR OWN JOKES?
PETER (Actual line): That's because I was washing the America flag. My flag.
MAY: Okay, seriously, what are you on? Because even with the Spider-Man excuse, these lies are still monumentally stupid.
MAY: Okay then. Now eat your head of lettuce between two slices of bread that is your breakfast for some reason.
May hands Peter sandwich of lettuce.
PETER: Fine. Now I'm going to call you Laundry Sheriff, because this movie is written by eight year olds. And I know I'm not supposed to know, even though I do, because you already told me, but what's the point of this nurse sub-plot you have? Does this pay off somehow? Like, do you reveal that you know I'm Spider-Man in one of the scenes that you actually know, and give me some kind of medical attention because I'm injured or something?
MAY: Nope.
PETER: Well, do you tell me about it or I find out, and we have some heart to heart where I learn some form of a lesson?
May bursts out laughing, before reigning it in, and gives Peter a comforting pat on the shoulder.
MAY: Not in this movie series, pal.
PETER: Do I find out at all?
MAY: Not even in the slightest.
PETER: So, what you're saying is: This sub plot is completely superfluous?
MAY: Yes.
PETER: Okay then.
MAY: Aren't you surprised?
PETER: In these movies? Not at all.
EXT. EVIL OSCORP IS EVIL.
Nerdy Max Dillion goes to his job at Oscorp, because of course.
INT. HOUSE OF DOUCHEBAGS AKA OSCORP.
EXPOSITION HOLOGRAM: BLAH BLAH BLAH POWER GRID.
Max enters and is passed by his boss, Ryan Howard.
RYAN: Dillion, seeing as how I am playing basically the same character I play on The Office, because this movie only knows how to use the barest minimum in it's adaption, I am going to berate you for being late even though I guess I, your boss, am also late. For you see, every representative head of Oscorp is a bullying, manipulative, corrupt douchebag. Just like in the American government! I am also going to remind you for no one's benefit but the audience that we are now responsible for the city's power supply, because apparently the government will just totally hand that responsibility over to a company who breed highly dangerous genetically enhanced animals whose scientist tried to turn the entire city into genetically enhanced animal/human hybrids and allow them to use one of said animals to do so and not have 24 hour maintenance for this. Man, Oscorp is so irresponsible, am I right? Just like the the American government!
MAX: But Mr. Ryan Howard, I feel compelled to tell you right now for no particular reason that I designed that power grid, as I am also a genius who is pushed around and works at Oscorp who has his work stolen by them and becomes a creature because of said work, because the makers of this movie are basically just recycling the beats of the first film, only with less sense and characterization and more contrived unnecessary connections between characters.
RYAN: Even though I am your boss and therefore should know that you turned in the designs for the grid, I am now going to mock you because I am a douchebag, you see. Sure you did. And I 'm Spider-Man.
Max then has a fantasy about grabbing Ryan Howard and yelling at him.
MAX: Wait. Is this supposed to be proof of my burgeoning villainy? But don't people think about yelling at their bosses all time?
RYAN: Yes. But you're also not physically attractive traditionally, and in these movies, if you're that and/or dying or deformed in some way, you are likely to become a villain because no one involved in these movies understands what nerd empowerment really is.
Please tell me what you think!
God bless you all! God bless your families and everyone else in your lives! God bless everyone!