Peter Parker Way Too White to Continue Being a Comic Book Character Without Bringing Offense to Readers
By Iris West
Web-slinging phenomenon, Peter Parker, is being replaced in the upcoming
Amazing Spider-Man comics and movies by a new, less-white teenager whose identity has yet to be publicly announced. Editor Axel Alonso says, "Peter Parker's just too white, and frankly, I'm tired of it. Every issue, every movie...we see this white guy just really bring down the rest of white-person culture. It's a horrible stereotype. He's a nerd who gets the girl and keeps mouth-vomiting in every fight. I'm surprised there hasn't been an uproar yet."
Past editor Joe Quesada also chimed in, "It's about time. Peter Parker is practically a relic. That's not how white people are anymore. They've definitely evolved into more than a post-pubescent razzle-dazzle, borderline Dungeons and Dragons-playing fiend. I mean, what else are we going to have to sit through? Peter playing
Halo or reading
Lord of the Rings? Enough is enough."
Little Russell Jackson down the street had this to add. "I don't think it matters what race Peter Parker is, as long as he stops acting like a little, nerdy white boy. I've got a reputation to hold up, you know? He's painting us all in a bad light." Jackson then continued to bash his action figures together and talk in voodoo-space language that causes him to have no real friends.
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