We see Wolverine, Batman, Han Solo, Spawn, Aragorn and Rambo sit in a booth at the Castle Inn. Wolverine is telling a story to the others.
WOLVERINE
'N' then he starts shootin' lasers out of his freakin' eyes!
The others erupt into laughter. Rambo wipes a tear from his eye.
RAMBO
Aw man, y;know, dat wuz totally da funniest ting I ever heard, y;know, it wuz jus' hysterical.
SPAWN
I wouldn't go that far. It was mildly funny at least.
HAN
This is comin' from a guy who tortured a child molestor in a garage for weeks on end.
ARAGORN
That's just cold, Spawn... Really. Just like... Really cold.
BATMAN
Jesus, does this guy's liver have holes in it?
WOLVERINE
It will if he tells that stupid story about that elf again.
ARAGORN
ME AND LEGOLAS WERE MADE FOR EACH UVVER! You don't know what it's like! Havin' to 'ide yer love for someone... As beeootiful as 'e is.
RAMBO
'Ey, don't gay tings up in 'ere a'right?
Wolverine shakes his head. He raises his hand and snaps his fingers towards the bar. Punisher, looks up from cleaning out a beer mug.
WOLVERINE
'Nother round, Frank, 'n' put it on my tab, huh?
PUNISHER
Will do, Logan, but you're gonna be owein' me a lot.
WOLVERINE
I'll let you drive a steam roller over my face again, how's 'at sound?
PUNISHER
Like a big bag o' fun, Canucklehead.
Wolverine laughs a little and turns back to the table.
HAN
A'right, I got a story for you schmucks.
BATMAN
It's not the Kessel run again is it?I'm Batman
HAN
No!
BATMAN
Good, 'cause I could tell you that one myself at this stage.I'm Batman
HAN
Anyways. This one time, me 'n' Chewie were transportin' some cargo for Jabba the Hutt. 'Bout ten parsecs from the destination, the hull gets opened up near the engine. Nothin' on the scanners, just some random atta--
SPAWN
Mynocks.
HAN
What?
SPAWN
Mynocks. You told me earlier, while the others went to the bathroom.
HAN
That was ten minutes ago, how do I not remember that?
SPAWN
I wiped your memory afterwards so you'd look like a fool. Little private joke for myself.
BATMAN
Is there any power you don't have?
SPAWN
I dunno, I haven't tried 'em all yet.
RAMBO
Man, it mus' be so great, y'know, ta jus' be able ta do whatevuh ya want, y'know?
ARAGORN
Legolas used to fire five arrows at once and vey'd all *hiccup* hit veir targets... Perfectly.
WOLVERINE
What did I say?
ARAGORN
I dunno, I weren't listenin'!
Wolverine rolls his eyes as Elektra, in a bar maid's outfit but wearing a bandana, delivers the next round to the table.
ELEKTRA
You boys enjoying yourselves?
WOLVERINE
A lot more now you're here, darlin'.
ELEKTRA
[frick] you, Logan.
WOLVERINE
That an invitation?
BATMAN
Shut up, Wolverine, let the woman deliver the drinks and move on.I'm Batman
ELEKTRA
Excuse me?!
Batman looks startled as Elektra riles up at him.
ELEKTRA
Don't you dare refer to me as if I'm just some freakin' barmaid! I'll shove that cowl so far up your own ass, that butler o' yours'll discover a new freakin' Bat-Cave!
She storms off. Aragorn surlily traces her as she returns behind the bar.
ARAGORN
Her arse has nuffin' on Legolas's's...'s.
WOLVERINE
That's it.
Wolverine leans across the table and punches Aragorn in the face. He lies out cold on the floor. Batman looks shocked.
BATMAN
Why would you do that? He did nothing wrong!I'm Batman
WOLVERINE
If you were a devout Catholic you'd be singin' my @+£%in' praises right now.
SPAWN
If he gets up, do it again. That was freakin' hilarious.
BATMAN
Oh, that you find funny?I'm Batman
SPAWN
If I'd've seen your parents get murdered, I'd've stood and laughed in your face 'til the cops got there.
Batman's eyes narrow. His fists clench. Wolverine sips from his mug while his eyes dart from one to the other. The pair glare at each other from across the table. Raphael appears.
RAPHAEL
Hey guys, you don't mind if I sit with you, do ya?
HAN
Be my flarkin' guest.
RAMBO
Yo, what the $%&@ is this thing?
WOLVERINE
He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
RAMBO
Yeah, but like, y'know, why?
RAPHAEL
It's a long story, I'd rather not have to discuss it.
RAMBO
Aw, okay. Bad experience in some old scientist's lab, huh?
RAPHAEL
God, no!
WOLVERINE
John, just let the boy be. What's yer poison, Raph?
RAPHAEL
Seven Up.
They all look at him with confused and confounded faces. Wolverine leans into the table.
WOLVERINE
Y'know we can buy you beer, right?
RAPHAEL
Yeah, I jus' don't wanna break the law.
BATMAN
You're a frickin' vigilante, numbnuts! You break the law everytime you punch a thug in the face!I'm Batman
SPAWN
He's got a point. Two, in fact.
Batman shoots Spawn a vicious look.
RAPHAEL
Okay then, I'll have a lager.
WOLVERINE
Attaboy. FRANK! Gimme a Fosters!
PUNISHER
You sons of bitches are gonna clean me out! Between you six and the Hulk, I'll be out of drink in the next two hours.
We see the Hulk sitting beside Ghost Rider and Blade. Hulk is swaying from side to side, beer spilling from his mug on each sway. The beer pours out over Blade and Ghost Rider.
WOLVERINE
Wish I'd'a killed that lump o' green when I had the chance.
SPAWN
But you didn't, let's just not bring up the whole, "Oh, I coulda beat the Hulk but..." Insert non-sensical technical reason here.
WOLVERINE
Screw you, raggedy cape, I'd like to see you try.
SPAWN
Fifty bucks says I can.
WOLVERINE
... What?
SPAWN
Fifty bucks says I can kill the Hulk.
BATMAN
That's a good offer. Considering you woulda been paid millions.I'm Batman
WOLVERINE
Think I'll pass, but thanks.
BATMAN
Pussy.I'm Batman
HAN
You're one to talk, Mr. I Cry Every Time I See An Alleyway!
BATMAN
Your wife kissed her brother!I'm Batman
HAN
Your arch-nemesis murdered your sidekick!
WOLVERINE
Jesus H. Christ, this is pathetic.
RAPHAEL
I couldn't agree with you more, man.
RAMBO
Yeah, 's far 's I'm concerned, yer both pussies.
SPAWN
Thank heaven we've settled that.
We see Aragorn rise back up from the floor. Rubbing his head. He points a surly finger at Wolverine.
ARAGORN
You prick! What did I do to deserve that?!
WOLVERINE
You wouldn't shut up about the elf guy! At this point, I reckon it'd be safer for you to go home.
ARAGORN
Why?
WOLVERINE
What's your name?
ARAGORN
My name?
WOLVERINE
Yeah, your freakin' name wet-head.
Aragorn struggles to stand up. He begins to try and recount his name. He snaps his fingers and slams both hands down on the tabel, pointing at Wolverine again.
ARAGORN
I am Aragorn.... Yeah... Son of Arrow thorns... The hair to a sealed door... And a part of the f-f-fellowship... Of the bling!
WOLVERINE
Yeah, you need to get yer ass back home.
Wolverine looks around and spots Shadow the Hedgehog.
WOLVERINE
'Ey, red quills! Take this heap o' rags back to Middle Earth wouldja?
SHADOW
Why do I always have to do it?
WOLVERINE
'Cause yer the only one who not only can't drive, but also doesn't need to.
SHADOW
Well, what about Hulk?
WOLVERINE
He'd sooner crush somebody than bring 'em home, now get goin'.
Shadow grabs Aragorn by the hood and speeds off. He returns moments later.
BATMAN
Holy shit. Look what the cat dragged in.I'm Batman
We see Daredevil and Iron Fist run through the doors of the pub. They dart to the bar and throw themselves against it.
DAREDEVIL
FRANK! FRANK, GET HERE, NOW!
Punisher sidesteps from his position two feet away and stands in front of Daredevil.
PUNISHER
What?
IRON FIST
Villains. *huff* Coming. *huff* Lots of 'em. *huff*
PUNISHER
Well, how many?!
DAREDEVIL
Maybe uh...*huff*... A hundred or more...
PUNISHER
A HUNDRED OR MORE! YOU SHITTIN' ME?!? I JUST OPENED THIS FREAKIN' PLACE, NOW IT'S GONNA GET TRASHED BY "A HUNDRED OR MORE" GOONS?!?
IRON FIST
Looks that way...*huff* They'll be here soon, we should get ready.
PUNISHER
You sons of bitches are lucky I was &@%*in' born ready!
He takes out a pump shotgun from underneath the bar. Propping it on his shoulder he turns and addresses the rest of the pub. All the patrons raise their heads up from their drinks.
PUNISHER
I'm sure you all just heard what Matt and Danny said. Now, I don't know about you boozed up yahoos, but I'm not about to let these pieces o' shit take my bar and ruin a good night. I'm not gonna let 'em come in here and wreck my bar, 'cause that's what you wanna do, right?!
WHOLE PUB
YEAH!
PUNISHER
Well then!
He cocks the shotgun.
PUNISHER
LET'S WRECK THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!!
Everyone in the pub preps for battle. Goku goes super saiyan. Ratchet & Clank gear up a huge gun. Our table of anti-heroes all prep their respective weapons. Hulk smashes his mug. Howard the Duck pulls out an M911. The villains burst in, headed by Doc Ock and the villains from our last soirée in a bar.
DOC OCK
Ah. So, you opened a pub too, eh, Punisher?
PUNISHER
Yer damn right, I did and I'd appreciate it if you'd kindly get the &%$? off my property before I blow yer head to &$£%in' smithereens.
NEO CORTEX
Oh, tosh, let's just kill him already!
RAPHAEL
This is my first night ever in a bar, and you assholes are ruining it! I haven't even had a drink yet!
WOLVERINE
Enough %$*&in' talkin', let's crack some God damned skulls already!
BATMAN
Calm down, Wolvie, we might not want a confronta--
PUNISHER
&%$! YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR OCTAVIUS!!!
Punisher fires the shotgun and blows Ock's head clean off. Jason Statham leaps up on the bar, rips off his shirt and screams at the amassed villains.
STATHAM
COME 'N' 'AVE A GO IF YA THINK YER 'ARD ENOUGH!!!
The opposing sides charge towards each other.
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Suggestions for who's on the anti-heroes side:
Dante (Devil May Cry)
Shadow the Hedgehog
Afro Samurai
Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)
Rorschach
Ezio
Kratos (God of War)
Riddick
The Crow
Tyler Durden
Heisenberg
Black Canary
Green Arrow
Harley Quinn
Lara Croft
Hope you all enjoyed this edition of Nova's Funhouse! Be sure to leave a comment down below. Till next time, CBM!