Now here's the next major event:
Synopsis of Episode 1:
Somewhere, somehow, a hero shall rise to the occasion and save the cheerleader from psychic vampires trying to drag her back to the island that is run by none other than Steve Rogers, who also happens to have been resurrected as a Black Lantern by Nekron and is spying on the Marvelverse & reporting back to 2 of 6, No-Name of the Brood.
At the behest of Soundwave, No-Name spawns like a gazillion broodlets, takes down Osbourne, ends the siege, prevents doom war & becomes Sorcerer Supreme.She then collects all the Lantern Rings, pours all her malice & cunning into them,gives them back, and with the help of the Constructicons, forges in secret, a master ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.She's forever known as No-Name witch-queen of the rings.
Now No-Name rules the DCU & is making a move on the Marvelverse by deploying a Clone Army led by none other than Conan The Cimmerian...Who can stop her? Anita Blake & viking vampire zombie mice...They will pillage & plunder Switzerland and deplete its swiss cheese mines therefore creating a psychosomatic ionospheric smashing of dark matter energy particles that will shatter the One Ring's influence over Conan....
Next Issue: Conan & Kratos take on Nekron & The Brood, oh and Steve Rogers gets killed...Again...But dont worry, Necrosha brings him back...Again...Booooring.....
Now we plainly ignore some of the previous plot elements such as the Swiss Cheese Incident, Anita Blake & The Viking Vampire Zombie Mice squadron.
Synopsis of Episode 2:
Kratos having defeated Nekron's minions stands poised to finally get his revenge on the gods, but not being one to give up so easily, Nekron resurrects...Valeria! Conan's lost love as a Black Lantern...Conan blinded by passion, attacks Kratos, since Kratos' intent is to re-kill Valeria...but dude, NO ONE challenges Kratos...Kratos unleashes Cronos Rage Special Attack.Conan falls before the fury of the god killer...But destiny has other plans for our raging hero, and will not be so easy on Kratos...
Eben & Stella burn Conan to ash and pour Necrosha's blood on his remains...Conan arises from the grave holding Anduril The Flame of the West, and with him an army more powerful than any that walks the earth...Conan holds aloft his magic sword and says "By the power of Nekron...The Walking, The Walking, The Walking Dead, HO!" The Walking Dead theme starts playing. "Feel the scraping, hear the moans, The Walking Dead are loose!"
Anita Blake blinks.
Episode 4 deals with Kratos getting a Red Lantern Ring and battling Gollum who now has an Orange Lantern Ring... But that is another story to be told 20 years from now.
Episode 3 gets ignored all together.
Episode 5 in no coherent order whatsoever:
When last we left our anti-hero, Kratos (how did this become about him, might be the comic book & game coming out) was staring out into an ocean of certain doom.Conan is now a vampire barbarian commanding an army of The Walking Dead.Black Lantern Valeria stands besides Nekron as his dark queen since intercomics relationships don't seem to go to well.That is why Necrosha wasnt available to fill the spot.
"Conan, rid me of this nuisance, & I shall return Valeria to you, this I command!"
Conan raises Anduril, forged from the shards of Narsil and signals the attack, but to his dismay, The Walking Dead are simply just that, The Walking Dead, not the running dead, so it'll be many issues before they actually cross the breadth of The Fields of Pain and confront Kratos.
"Nekron! Build me an army worthy of Mordor & I shall vanquish your foe!" yells Conan The Vampire...Nekron smirks and gives the command "Begin landing your troops Commander.This I command!"
"Roger Roger" replies the Commlink in Nekron's hand.
From afar in hushed whispers, a conversation takes place, away from prying eyes. "Battle droids, its an invasion army, we must contact him at once" , "Aye, we shall, but the time has not yet come" responds the gruff voice of their leader.They watch Kratos with anticipation, unbeknowngst to the god killer.
On the field, Kratos looks at the tidalwave of death rushing towards him.Kratos closes his eyes and the soundtrack to a certain movie he's fond of begins playing.Ethereal femenine voices fill the air.Rumble turns up the volume.Kratos mildly shrugs and the Red Lantern Ring begins to glow...The Ghost of Sparta stands alone...Rumble changes the CD and plays Godsmack's "I Stand Alone".
Kratos, the God of War, smacks Rumble.Rumble puts the score back on."Sheesh, talk about touchy"
"They are going to massacre him my lord" pleads the captain.Their leader responds "Aye, and we shall go and die with him"
A voice like the roaring of many lions bellows throughout the battlefield...The droid army halts, Conan looks yonder, and The Walking Dead being what they are, continue shambling along clueless as to what is to come...
Kratos opens his eyes and slowly turns to look towards where the sound of the voice came from.
"SPARTANS! Prepare for glory!"
"Crom..." gasps Conan.
"Leonidas and his 299" sneers Nekron.(Because the Captain's son got beheaded.So its not 300 anymore, my 13 year old cousin pointed that out to me at the movie theater)
King Leonidas & 299 of his best warriors stroll across the battlefield dragging The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Leonidas & the Ghost of Sparta face each other.They clasp forearms in a Spartan-kinda-way, not in a Alexander-The-Great-kinda-way.
"They are still outnumbered old friend"
"Then we shall multiply their numbers...By cleaving their bodies in half!" declares the god killer.
Kratos kills Ephialtes.
"Let us avert much unnecessary metal-shed & airborne body parts.Send your best warrior Kratos, & I shall send mine, like you know, in Troy" suggests Nekron who comes to the realization that his name backwards is Norken, and Conan's is Nanoc, & Kratos is Sotark and so forth and so on.
Leonidas smiles "Lets indulge him old friend.Captain, now is the time.Call him"
The captain pulls out his Blackberry just cuz iPhone sucks, and makes a phone call.The conversation's brief.
"He's on his way my lord".I don't own a Blackberry.
Two minutes later a beat up, old Jeep Wrangler pulls up followed by a cloud of dust.The driver's door opens and the ground receives the footsteps of the Walker...Walker, Texas Ranger...
"Howdy fellas, we ready for this?" Chuck tips his hat and smiles.
Nekron lets out a maniacal laugh "L-M-A-O! Is that the best you can do Leonidas? Behold!"
Samuel Sullivan steps in and rends the earth asunder, pillars of gravel shoot straight into the air and a cloud of dust blankets the field.
A high pitched growling is faintly heard from the bowels of the earth.
"Arise! Black Lantern Lee Jun Fan!" Nekron continues his laughter."R-O-T-F-L!"
Chuck seems a bit unnerved & a bead of sweat clings to his brow.
"Who is this Lee Jun Fan that inspires terror within Chuck" inquires Kratos.
"Its Bruce Lee, my lord" answers C3PO. "He's now a Black Lantern, we're doomed...Oh dear oh dear."
The two titans of legend face each other. "You come back to finish what we started, Little Dragon?"
"No, I come to finish Game of Death, because that whole using a cardboard of my face has given me endless grief, unfinished business sorta thing & like certain comic book companies like to do, this is gonna end in the lamest way possible because they are too chickencrap to give the fans what they want after months of build up...Well met and farewell, Chuck..Remembah...You must flow like water and strike like stone" Black Lantern Bruce Lee bids Chuck farewell..
Nekron blinks.
The Brood in her stronghold of Coruscant, galactic capital of the DCU, kicks her laptop monitor and curses Google Earth.
"Vader!"
"What is thy bidding my mistress".Vader kneels before 2 of 6."I have contacted a distant relative of mine, a legion of her best troops awaits you in the hangar.Go, take the fleet & the Queen's troops and go to that miserable dirtball of a planet and bring me the head of Kratos."
"You mean, Tatooine my mistress?" Vader asks.
"No you mechanical take-this-mask-off-so-I-can-see-you-with-my-own-eyes sissyborg, Earth!" 2 of 6 replies.
"As you wish, my mistress"
Vader goes down to the hangar.He observes the fleet being prepped & ready for take off.
A voice calls out of the nothingness: "Anakin Skywalker, you have the ability to instill great fear in others.You have been recruited for something or other that I cant remember exactly how it goes.But in any case, welcome to the Sinestro Corps"
Vader turns around and sees Sinestro & some other dudes in yellow Danskinz leotards floating before him."That name no longer has any meaning to me.Witness the true nature of the Force and know what it is to truly fear" Vader Force-chokes Sinestro & kills him.I mean, because after all, some skinny old dude wearing yellow spandex named Sinestro is so scary...How original, what is it with villains and an "O" at the end of their name:Sinestr-O, Bizarr-O, Metall-O, Stupid-O.Might as well had call him Scary-O, Honey Nut Cheeri-O...
Anyways...The yellow ring slips off Sinestro's finger and floats to Vader...Vader dons the ring and is transformed into Fear itself..."There can only be one..." With these words, Vader Force-chokes the crap out of all the other Sinestro Corps dudes & kills them as well, but this being a lame story, they all resurrect as Black Lanterns , say something stupid like "This isnt over blah blah blah" and fly away just cause there's no more plot to that storyline right now.
So....Vader looks at the fleet and finally gives the command "Decepticon Sith Corps! Execute order 66!"
"As you command Megavadertron" affirms Soundwave in that kick ass voice you use to try to duplicate by speaking into a fan as a kid, and all you managed to accomplish was getting your spit thrown back at you.
Back on the Fields of Pain, Kratos & the 299 have made a bloody mess of things, zombie limbs & battle droid parts litter the landscape, but this being the story that it is, another highly ridiculous plot unfolds.Sylar lands amidst the chaos and yells out "Samuel! I have come to find you, you will manipulate me no longer, I will add your power to my own.I am Sylar!".
Viking Vampire Zombie Mice blink in unison.
"Kratos, we must stop the brain man otherwise he'll kill Charlie", Kratos turns around and sees a pudgy japanese man speaking to him."I am Hiro Nakamura, the master of space & time & we must stop the brain man from killing the evil butterfly man, or Charlie will be lost"
"His blood will stain my blades" declares Kratos.
"Do this, you must not.Make him more powerful than you can imagine, you will, if kill him you do" Yoda intervenes.A pleading look on his face.
The Spartan captain whispers to Leonidas "Where'd he come from?", "Thats classified, I dont think even George Lucas knows" answers Leonidas....
"I've had enough of this foolishness and lame story!" Kratos lashes out with his Blades of Chaos, Hiro touches Kratos's shoulder, blinks hard, teleports the Hatian within 2 feet of Sylar & stops time....(Why Hiro can still use his powers while the Hatian is around is a mystery like the same way that all the women in the DCU & Marvel Universe have had boob jobs & no one finds it odd how their boobs have gotten bigger over the years.Just because.)
The Blades of Chaos find their mark.Sylar's head decides now is a good time to get a divorce from his neck & simply flies off into the air.
Hiro resumes time.Yoda gasps "Told you I did.Reckless are you.Now, matters are worse"
Yoda shakes his head.
Sylar comes back as a Black Lantern. "Power! Unlimited Power!!!" Force lightning crackles all around him.
Kratos kills Yoda.
Yoda comes back as a Black Lantern.
"Much to learn, you still have, Ghost of Sparta"
Nekron continues his lol'ing."LOL!at you fools".
"This is madness" whispers Kratos.Leonidas places a firm grasp on Kratos's shoulder."No old friend...This...is...SPARTA!"
Leonidas Sparta-kicks Nekron in the chest and sends him flying backwards, everything slows down ala Matrix/300/Edward-Cullen-gets-his-rear-end-beat-in-New-Moon style.Kratos presses and holds the circle button and jumps into the air defying gravity, chains whirling and blades slicing through flesh.Needless of wires, harnesses or green screens cuz dude, he's Kratos, and smashes Nekron's eviscerated coprse onto the ground."Kratos...SMASH!"
The impact of the blow unrealistically knocks the Black Lantern Ring of Power off of his finger.
Hiro yells "R2! Now!"
R2-D2, baddest of the baddest motha f'ers of them all, releases an EMP burst with the power of a million exploding suns, fries all the battle droids, droidekas, superbattle droids & punk ass C3PO.The discharge causes a disruption of the synergistic emanations of the Black Lantern rings in existence and drains them of all their power cuz R2 is just that bad of a motha f'er.And he's such a freaking bad ass that, that EMP burst does absolutely nothing to him.Nada.Zero.Zilch.
Throughout the entire cosmos all the Black Lantern Corps vanish into nothingness.
R2 deactivates C3PO.Kratos melts C3PO.
The Brood rears back in pain."What is the matter mistress?" Inquires Palpatine.The Brood replies "I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced"
"Kratos, its over! We are victorious" cries Leonidas.
"No, there is another" replies Kratos...
(Ominous music plays and fades into The Imperial March)
"The Spartans are alerted to our presence.Release her Majesty's cousin's legion of warriors..."
Astrotrain's cargo bay doors open and out pours a black oil spill of Xenomorphs hellbent on carnage (No, no Venom in this story).
Dark Yellow Lantern Lord of the Sith Darth Vader (thats right,super long, larger than life title thats supposed to inspire awe) holds his black gloved fist in the air.The Xenomorphs stop their chittering and gently rock side to side."I have come seeking the power to save the one I love from death.To bring her back.Deliver this power unto me and I shall depart with my army.Why I dont simply kill all of you and stop talking smack helps advance the plot and there's more stuff thats gonna be written...So...Give us the Ring.We wants it for us.Or give me Padme"
Kratos picks up the Black Lantern ring..."Is this what you seek?"
Vader nods.
"So be it" Kratos places the Ring into one of R2's USB ports and charges the ring.R2 projects a hologram and resurrects Padme.In death she still sounds like in life: a female version of Denzel Washington: monotonous voice, never changing.Static.Boring as hell.
"Padme..."
"Ani? is it really you?"
Kratos growls impatiently "I will release her, when you send your fleet & army away"
Vader, like the idiot we all know he now is, just because we know what a punk ass Anakin was, falls for the trick.
"As you wish.Soundwave, lead the Xenomorphs to another planet they can trash.Like, Endor..."
"As you command Lord Megavadertron"
Soundwave The Unchrosomatic One, leads the Decepticon Sith Corps fleet & the Xenomorphs to the sanctuary moon of Endor where they massacre the Ewoks...
But thats another story.
"Now, release Padme" demands Vader all scary looking in a yellow & black leotard cuz he's like a Yellow Lantern now...Oooh hoo hoo hooo....
"As you wish" Kratos snarls and releases Padme...Padme's head rolls and stops at Vader's feet."She's released...From the eternal suffering that would've been hearing you cry about Obi Wan this, Mace Windu that, I'm being held back, its not fair this, blah blah blah and f#@&ing BLAH!"
Kratos backhands Vader like John McEnroe...That bitch step up, I'm smacking the ho.
"What, now you're gonna cry and moan like you did in Episodes 1-3? You gonna go emo like you did after killing the Sand People? When you threw a tantrum in front of Padme at Uncle Owen's?Or in front of the council, "How can you do this, putting me in the council but not making me a master? Nyah nyah nyah? Huh? Boo hoo hoo"
Kratos kills Vader, resurrects him, and kills him again just because Anakin's a whiny bastard (I mean, he is fatherless right?) & forever shattered the fearsome image that once was Darth Vader.Don't get me started on Puke Skywalker.Like father, like golden droid, like son.Sissies.
Leonidas blinks. "Wow"
2 of 6 cancels her internet connection and throws Palpatine into a black hole.
"One task remains" mutters Kratos.He looks up and gazes into Leonidas's eyes."Whoa, I'm not Achilles, don't get any Athenian ideas" Kratos looks confused & thinks about killing Leonidas due to the implication of that remark.
Kratos kills Hiro Nakamura.Didnt see that one coming did ya time traveler?
"I must travel to the Underverse and release them from torment.I wear their ashes on my skin.I eat their pain and drink their suffering.It is what gives me strength.But for their sake it must end"
Leonidas clasps his forearm "I know old friend.To find your wife and child, there is only one way to the Underverse.Is this what you wish?
Kratos removes the Red Lantern ring, places it in R2's USB port to charge, takes the Black Lantern ring & slips it on.
"It is"
R2 rocks.
Leonidas nods to the 299 "So be it"
The 299 pierce the Ghost of Sparta.Leonidas beheads him.
Conan blinks.
Necrostatic electricity crackles and racks the Spartan's corpse.Cadaverous hands break through the earth and grab his body and severed head and pull him into the ground.They pull him in and toss his remains into the Underverse.
Kratos falls...Plummets...Head first into the abyss...Literarilly...His body follows close behind.
The mystic power of the ring reunites his head to his body.Resurrects him, or in this case, unresurrects him, not dead, not living, not undead...the unholy half dead.
Kratos stands alone...
Rumble takes out the 300 movie score & plays "I Stand Alone"
The gates of Hell stand before him.Cerberus growls.
Kratos glares at the 3 headed guardian.
Cerberus dies.
"I am the Ungod of War, none shall defy me"
"Dude, you're like so not in the right place"
Kratos turns and beholds he who dares to speak.
"This is, like my game dude, like,I know I ripped a whole lotta stuff from you, even the whole cloth being sewn to my skin stuff but...I got this, you feel me bro?"
Kratos shoves his blades in and up into Dante's midsection, cleaving him in half.
"I feel you....Bro"
Kratos kills Dante.
Kratos presses the square button and kicks down the gates of Hell, because knocking is for girl scouts.
Kratos kills every one that dares challenge him.Kratos then kills everyone else thats dead already just cause he can.
An ominous voice echoes throughout the Underverse.
"You have fought well Spartan...Or should I say Black Lantern God of War.But you see, everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator..."
Kratos blinks
"In any case, I'm afraid that the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive..."
Kratos blinks again.
"Test your might Spartan!"
Final Fantasy X Battle Theme begins playing loudly.
Kratos presses (R1 was it?) and prepares to block incoming attacks.From this point on it'll be the villain talking hoping to bore Kratos to death.
"You are a fool, Spartan, all this was to manipulate you into bringing me Nekron's power source,it will enable me to escape this accursed prison of fire & stone"
Black projectiles speed towards Kratos but he slides, jumps & double jumps over them.Whipping them with his blades has no effect.He continues to dodge and jump over them.
"I will escape this realm and bring a veritable hell to earth, my armies will overrun Earth.It will be a fiery paradise"
Kratos whispers "Malebolgia..."
Scratch that "Only the villain runs his mouth" thing.
"No, it is not him.Its an evil more ancient and powerful.He holds them captive beyond the Bridge of the Fallen.You must find a way across and free them Kratos.Follow the Trail of Broken Steps.The Violator & I will distract his reptilian troops & take care of the shield generator"
Kratos nods to Spawn and makes his way through the citadel.
After what seems like an eternity (for me, cuz im tired of typing, so im gonna make this quick)
Kratos reaches the Bridge of the Fallen & a colossal shadow looms over him and laughs.
"L-O-L! You've made it.You do not disappoint...Now! Witness my power!"
A saurian foot comes crashing down towards Kratos.Kratos runs and slides behind the aggressor.His back is covered with a carapace riddled with bony spiked protusions (is that how u say it?)
Final Fantasy X Battle Theme intensifies...
"Come into the light that I may see the agony on your face when I cut it off from your skull!" roars Kratos.
A bellowing laughter is quickly followed by a burst of incinerating dragon's breath. "L-O-L!!" It briefly illuminates the dark cavern, giving Kratos a brief glimpse of his adversary...
Panic strikes at the core of Kratos, a feeling he has never known...It weakens him momentarily and for the first time in his life and death the Spartan takes a step back.
The name burns his lips "Bowser..."
"Spartans never retreat! Spartans never surrender! Spartans! Tonight we dine hell! Turtle soup!"
Master Splinter blinks.
Leonidas roars and the 300 come crashing down from above.They charge towards Bowser. (Yeah, now its 300 cuz they're all dead)
"So your friends have arrived, Spartan" snickers Bowser.
"It makes no difference.There are worse things than dying...Like, dying again"
The 300 begin a relentless attack, Leonidas helps his old friend up. "What are you doing here, my King" asks Kratos.
"Well...Its...Ok....We kinda took a wrong turn at the Hot Gates and kinda ran into Xerxes, nice dude, gave us a glorious death.So here we are"
"You are well met" Kratos acknowledges.
("But wait a minute" says the keen reader.How can it be that when Leonidas first met up with Kratos, it was 299 and not 300, yet, the Captain's son was already dead, but they hadnt yet gone to the Hot Gates? It doesn't make sense you might say...Thats right, it doesnt.Neither does Leia remembering her mother even though Padme dies in childbirth because her Green Lantern ring ran out of charge, thats why she lost the will to live.Neither does it make sense that Obi Wan was hangin' with R2D2 from Episodes 1-3, but in 4 he completely forgets about R2, and makes up the story that Anakin wanted Luke to have his lightsaber when he was old enough even though Anakin doesn't have that conversation with Obi! I know, I know, they "explain it in the books".Whatever, JJ Binks for Supreme Chancellor)
Made you blink!
Kratos & Leonidas charge towards Bowser...King of the Koopas.
The battle rages for hours, many Spartans fall til only Kratos stands, battered, broken, & bloody.Alone...No goodbyes are said for they shall meet again soon...No Godsmack is played....
Final Fantasy X Battle Theme fades
Kratos falls to his knees, the blood drips from his wounds.They splash onto the cracked stone beneath him.Slipping into the earth.
"Stand up, Ghost of Sparta" a far away voice beckons,femenine, familiarly strange."Your brothers have fallen so that you may rise.Your life slips into the cracks so that other life may flourish.Take it, eat the green herb that grows from your blood, it shall replenish your health bar"
Kratos takes 3 green herbs, mixes them into a white paper.Bowser breathes fire..."No Kratos, in order for it to take effect, you must eat it.Now pick up whats left of the items and put them in a secret compartment in your back, where the rocket launcher goes" Kratos eats the herb mixture and his health bar is replenished..."Now Bowser, you will witness MY power!"
Final Fantasy X Battle Theme begins again, softly at first,slowly getting louder.
Kratos reaches into the secret compartment in his back, takes a 1-Up mushroom and a power up mushroom...Kratos gets an extra life and quadruples in size and now stands toe to toe with Bowser.
Bowser lol's again...Bowser pulls a lever and a part of the wall I hadnt mentioned before crumbles revealing the whole reason why Kratos has gone to such lengths to journey to world 8-4.
"The world will fear me, when I crush it beneath my heel, Kratos!"
"I will murder the world and drown you in its blood before seing you free Bowser..." snarls Pissed As Hell Limited Edition 12 inch Kratos Action Figure.
Final Fantasy X Battle Theme levels off
"Behold Kratos, your wife and child" Kratos gazes up and looks.Fury fills the Ghost of Sparta "Liar!!" Kratos lashes out unleashing all his cool kick ass attacks that just take forever to describe..You know the whole, swing the chains, stab into Bowser, climb up his back, bungee jump and dislocate his arm kinda thing.
But Bowser is no mere koopa, he is King of the Koopas.Bowser eats a power up mushroom. "Behold, the eternal glory of Koopatron!" Bowser transforms into a mechanical monstrous squirrelosaurus and begins spewing fire at Kratos.Kratos reaches into the secret compartment thats in his back, takes a fire flower and eats it.
"Hadoken!" Blue mystic energy flows from Kratos and strikes Koopatron in the chest.Scorching his metal.Terrible grammar.
Koopatron reels back and leans against another wall I hadnt mentioned before...He seizes Kratos's wife and child and eats them...Kratos yells lamely like Vader after finding out he killed Padme."Nnnn-OOOOOO! Princess Peach! Toad!"
Kratos kills me.
I blink.
Kratos roars and lunges at Koopatron.Koopatron's tail transforms into a cannon and shoots a barrage of Bo-ombs at our hero depleting his health bar."No First-Aid sprays now huh...Fall Spartan...FALL!"
Koopatron kicks the Spartan.Kratos lands far away where Koopatron cannot hear the following conversation."Rise , Ghost of Sparta, rise so that the evil that is Koopatron may fall and we can end this run on sentence of a story"...
"Rise my fallen warrior" the voice returns, so familiar..."Behold, Spartan, you have reached the end in less than 3.5 hours and have unlocked the special Tanuki Feather...It will grant you abilities beyond your wildest dreams.Trust me.You shall become the flying raccoon of doom, which is so much better than Onimusha's Samanosuke's stupid panda outfit"
"Kratos, press the button that absorbs the red orbs left behind by your brothers.They shall replenish your health bar"
Kratos presses that button that I cant remember and ingests the feather and becomes...Tanuki-Kratosan The Flying Wargod of Raccoons!
From the mist that was caused by all the walls that fell, and from the smoke caused by the burning souls of the dead Spartans, two figures begin to materialize....One tall, one small...A woman and a...Something with a pointy hat.
The woman: tall, black braided hair to her waist, purple lipstick, black dress made of belts and buckles with a fur lined bare shoulder top, holding an Onion Knight to her about-to-explode breasts...
The Something With A Pointy Hat: short, wearing a pointy hat with yellow glowing eyes, a bluish coat and blue & white trousers.
The woman speaks "I am Lulu,The Voice in the Mist, Black Magician relations. This is Vivi, my counterpart, together we defend the Mushroom Kingdom from the evil forces of Koopatron..."
The Sorceress blinks.
Lulu extends her hand.Kratos takes it, along with the rest of her fine sexy as hell self.Vivi tags along and hangs out with R2D2
Orko blinks.
"Wait, there is something I must do first" declares Kratos.Lulu nods.
Finally, the frigging end:
Rumble hooks up the optical audio cable to Soundwave, cranks up the 7.1 surround sound and the Final Fantasy X Battle Theme thunders in all its uncompressed digital HD glory.
Kratos activates Rage of the Titans and does massive damage to Koopatron, Kratos then reaches into the secret compartment that's in his back and whips out the Barbarian King's Hammer and uppercuts Koopatron.Whilst in the air, Kratos dashes underneath Koopatron to the other end of the bridge.Lulu activates her Overdrive and casts double-cast 10 times which subcasts Death for a total of 20 hits of Death....Overkill is displayed all over the screen
Kratos smashes the "Hammer Icon" at the end of the bridge and the bridge collapses.Koopatron falls to his doom and there aint no coming back from this one.
Kratos had the only 1-Up mushroom.
Kratos kills Koopatron
Mudturd and Scuzbucket or whatever those two stupid autobots from Revenge of the Fallen are called,mouth off: "Oh man, what did he done do man? Oh man, Koopatron done gotten all killed up, oh man"
Kratos kills the ghettobots, rips out their sparks, combines them and places them within R2D2.
R2D2 is now the most powerful droid in the universe.
Vivi records the whole thing using R2D2's holocorder and posts it up on youtube.com/KingTurtleSoup
"Thanks for whatever the message was, Kratos, but the Princess is in another castle" flag pops up.
Kratos looks at Lulu.Kratos looks at the castle.
The castle crumbles.
"I am the God of War, none shall defy me"
Kratos & Lulu carve a path a destruction unhappily ever after.
The End.I think, because I'm sure there's more stuff I'd like to add eventually.