For any human being who could possibly possess any doubt about this whatsoever, I will say first that I am a man obsessed with Transformers. That said, I found myself incredibly disappointed two years ago when a combination of Michael “Splosions” Bay and a writer’s strike gave the world a black mark on the Transformers name called Revenge of the Fallen. So I was greatly concerned when the money-hoarding franchise announced its third installment. I was hesitant to believe in its ability to be something I could love, after it tried to ruin so many truths I held dear about Transformers with its first sequel. So it’s with great relief that I can tell you, after seeing the movie twice and taking a couple days to sort it through my head, Transformers 3: The Dark of the Moon is not a bad movie, and I really enjoyed it.
Transformers 3 is a shining example of how entertaining mediocrity can be. Mr. Bay has redeemed himself. There are moments where slight increments of faith in humanity are restored within me, and a little faith was given to me, as the Master of Explosions listened to a majority of complaints had about the second movie. Granted the movie wasn’t a masterpiece worthy of recognition in any Jedi Archive, it’s still one that managed to entertain me for its full 2 hour and 37 minute run time. But, as many know, it’s impossible for anyone with an attention span like mine to read anything wall o’text style, so I will borrow from my dear friend of mine the ADHD approved checklist known as the good and the bad. Be careful everyone, because I’m going to spoil this movie more than your mother was by your father the night of your conception (enjoy that image for me.)
THE GOOD:
- The twins Mudflap and Skids are gone. Completely. Not a trace of them can be seen.
- Megan Fox is also missing, and her replacement is a positive one. Although the main reason of being eye candy is there, she felt far more likeable than Ms. Fox. She just doesn’t radiate “c*nt” like Megan.
- The story is comparable in quality to the first movie. It’s nothing special, but it’s enjoyable.
- If anything can be said about Michael Bay, he is a master of special effects. I found most of the fight scenes incredibly enjoyable, with well-placed slow motion and plenty of moments of bad-assery for everyone’s favorite Transformers.
- The humor that had me cringing in the second movie is toned down quite a bit. The comic-relief characters Wheelie and Brain play a minor role, but have their moments, and I didn’t find myself rejoicing when they died in the final battle. The lubrication and masturbation jokes are nearly eradicated from the movie, and I only had a couple of face-palms.
- The character designs for the robots were spectacular. The highlights could definitely be found on the Decepticon side, with a spectacular battle-worn Megatron, a beautiful Soundwave on Earth design, and a freaky and wonderful Laserbeak, who I found to be one of my favorite characters in the movie (not to mention the fanboy squeal I had when I saw Shockwave for the first time).
- It is much darker than the first two. There are several on screen deaths both with humans and robots alike. There’s even an awesome turn of events as Optimus’s former mentor Sentinel Prime turns on the Autobots and kills Ironhide. I won’t lie, I didn’t see it coming, and it was spectacular.
- The introduction of humans working for the Decepticons was a welcomed idea. It showed a whole new style of villainy yet to be explored within Bay’s Transformers universe. Patrick Dempsey (Dylan) played a wonderful advocate for the evil robots.
- OPTIMUS PRIME FINALLY USES A GOD D*MN BATTLE AXE.
THE BAD
- Character development is not something Michael Bay learned in film school. If it weren’t for my love of the original cartoon series, I wouldn’t have given hardly any f*cks during the deaths of several robots including Ironhide, Soundwave, Shockwave, or Wheeljack (Q). The only characters I could find the regular audience truly rooting for were Optimus, Bumblebee, and Megatron. This is rather disappointing, too, as several of the other bots are fantastic characters in other Transformers universe media.
- Shia LeBeouf (Sam Whitwicky) is one of the few characters on the human side you can actually care about. Josh Duhamel’s (Lennox) and Tyrese Gibson’s (Epps) characters both felt like forced reappearances that no one really cared about anymore. Frances McDormand (Mearing) introduces a character that built herself up to seem important, only to be pushed aside when some action needed to start.
- John Turturro’s (Simmons) character has outlived itself. He was one of the few characters I found myself groaning to see again. I’m glad he only was important through the first half of the movie.
- Almost all of the actors seemed to be sick of the franchise as they performed their parts. I think it’s time for a change for many of them.
- The music was mediocre at best in the movie. I love Linkin Park, but throwing in a cool song they had just made into the middle of the movie threw me off. Just because your lyrics are slightly reminiscent of the current events within the movie doesn’t mean they’re welcome.
- Some of the story-logic in the film wasn’t good, but then again, the name Nolan isn’t attached to the script, so I don’t expect a story-telling masterpiece. I would, however, like to know why the Decepticons chose to invade Chicago when their initial spacebridge was set up in Washington DC. Also, the Chernobyl scene felt a little forced.
- This may only be a fanboy disappointment, but I found the name-changes of Mirage to Dino and Wheeljack to Q to be a bad idea.
- I didn’t like the abundance of Trekkie references within the movie for Leonard Nimoy (Sentinel Prime), especially when he was in the movie because of his voicing of Galvatron in the original 1986 animated movie. This fact wasn’t hinted at even once within the film. Again, only a fanboy disappointment.
All things considered, I’m willing to love this movie as a Transformers fan, and enjoy it as a normal human being. It had several struggling points, but it had far more moments of redeeming quality. It was a fun movie, and a strong closing to Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise. Also, here’s an obligatory “Autobots, roll out!” reference here. I’ll work on the “One shall stand, one shall fall,” one next time.
Numerical rating for all you nerds out there: 7 out of 10 Disappearing Optimus Prime Trailers.
P.S. If you were curious, the appearances of John Malkovich (Bruce Brazos), Ken Jeong (Jerry Wang) and Alan Tudyk (Dutch) were cool, and I didn’t find them too distracting from the film. I just couldn’t find myself classifying them as either good or bad.