VENOM Spoiler-Free Review; "There's So Much Here That Doesn't Work, It Makes For Frustrating Viewing"
Venom hits theaters on Friday but if you're even half tempted to check out this Spider-Man-less spinoff, then you'd best read this review to find out why exactly you need to give the movie a miss...
Do you look back fondly on a time when almost every single superhero movie was terrible? I'm talking about the mid-2000s when we were subjected to the likes of Catwoman, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man 3, and Elektra. If that pre-Iron Man/The Dark Knight period is one you've been missing in a world with the likes of Avengers: Infinity War and Wonder Woman, then Venom is most certainly the movie for you! To say this Marvel Comics adaptation has almost no redeeming qualities would be an understatement; from start to finish, it's a terribly made, poorly acted, laughably bad affair which might entertain 15 year old boys who spend their evenings calling their friends "pussies" on Fortnite but everyone else will want to walk out within the first half an hour (thankfully, it's a scant 90 minutes, so you won't be subjected to it for long).
Aside from Tom Hardy, each and every single cast member painfully phones in their performances. The talented Riz Ahmed and Michelle Williams have seemingly gone back in time to their drama school days, while Jenny Slate just looks confused to be there. It's as if she's wandered on to the wrong set and has been asked to say the world "symbiote" a lot for reasons she doesn't fully understand. Hardy, meanwhile, delivers an...interesting...performance which makes it feel like he's in a totally different movie to everyone else. He's clearly giving it his all here as Eddie Brock and while his work is undeniably entertaining, it's also baffling and just plain weird, not to mention peculiar enough that comic book fans most certainly won't appreciate what a disappointing take on the character this is. He bears no resemblance to the Eddie from the source material and the same applies to Venom. He too is mostly fun to watch but their dynamic is all wrong as is the way the symbiote is characterised.
On the plus side, whenever the symbiote is on screen, it's possible to have a relatively good time but him constantly calling Eddie a loser and then admitting to being one himself is just odd and takes away a lot of what makes Venom great. In fact, the movie shows a complete lack of understanding when it comes to who this character is and, honestly, it's Venom in name only. He's just a big, black brute who leaps around the place; his powers and personality are totally new creations. However, it is, of course, important to remember that sometimes our favourite heroes and villains do change during the transition from page to screen but taking all of that aside and looking at this movie completely objectively...well, it's still the drizzling sh*ts.
With an awful rock-inspired score, subpar special effects, choppy editing, and a script which feels like it was written on a napkin, Venom is just plain bad. It's not quite as terrible as 2015's Fantastic Four reboot but it is as infuriatingly awful as The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and there's just no reason to see this in theaters. Or ever. Sure, you might be curious to see Venom in action but there's not much here you haven't already seen in the trailers and it's not even worth seeing for a mid-credits scene which is lazy and dumb as the ones in The Amazing Spider-Man or Green Lantern.
Venom can't be saved by Tom Hardy's unique performance and there's so much here that doesn't work, it makes for frustrating viewing and is a complete and utter disappointment. Take the advice of those Lady Gaga fans and go and see A Star Is Born instead.
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