10 Batman Villains Who Could Never Appear On Film
(and who should play them if they did)
By
Brian VanHooker
Copyright 2012
10. Steeljacket
Steeljacket is a genetic scientist who altered his biology by crossing his DNA with a bird, giving him the ability to fly. Though once he became a half-man, half-bird, his bone structure got weaker, so he had to wear a steel jacket to protect himself. Apparently, the creators of this character never saw the gap in logic in having this character, who’s only positive attribute is that he can fly, wear a heavy, steel coat. Somehow this jacket doesn’t impair his flight in any way, and he goes around Gotham committing crimes. There is no way in hell this character could ever translate to the silver screen. Moviegoers would simply leave the theater or laugh their asses off at him. Although, if he was put in a movie, he’d have to be played by Adrian Brody, because he looks rather frail and bird-like.
9. The Actuary
The Actuary is just that, an actuary. He has no powers, no horrible grudges against Batman or Gotham City. He doesn’t fight people or kill anyone or really even act all that villainous. He’s just some guy who’s good with numbers and keeps the books for the Penguin, yet somehow he was deemed important enough to be given a codename (kind of) and a place in Batman’s rogues gallery. And for a guy who’s supposedly super smart, he ends up as the Penguin’s fall guy and gets locked up. The person who would play The Actuary would have to be able to play really smart and really really boring, I’d say this is a job for Ioan Gruffud (Mr. Fantastic from the “Fantastic 4”).
8. The Mad Hatter
The nervous wretch named Jervis Tetch is a dangerous criminal who's threat to Gotham is far from minimal. Obsessed with Alice and full of malice, this controller of the mind is as terrible as any villain you'll find. Alright, enough of that shit. The Mad Hatter is a guy who's obsessed with Alice in Wonderland, speaks in rhyme and uses his giant top hat to control people's minds. This character is far too silly to ever make it on film, can you just imagine Christian Bale's Batman fighting a guy who sounded like Mother Goose? Though, if someone ever did decide to make a movie with the Mad Hatter, I think Martin Short would be fantastic, he's short, weird-looking, and, let's face it, he could probably use the work. Of course, if Tim Burton made a Batman film with the Hatter, I'm sure he'd have Johnny Depp reprise his role from his “Alice in Wonderland” film, though he's probably cast Depp as Batman, Alfred and Commissioner Gordon too, so he might be a bit busy.
7. Captain Stingaree
Captain Stingaree was born in a set of quadruplets, and somehow he ended up as the black sheep of his family. He started committing crimes, got locked up, got out, then began dressing like a pirate and committing pirate themed crimes around Gotham. He also had a grudge against Batman because he thought Batman was his brothers (all three of them) in disguise. No, I don’t know why he thought that. He also carries around a sword and wears an eyepatch that I’m not entirely sure that he needs. In a recent stroke of genius, the DC Comics writers decided the villain who dresses like a pirate is gay, and is in a relationship with Cavalier, another bad guy who dresses as a pirate. Way to go DC, not judgmental at all. So, anyway, the person who should play Stingaree, if he ever made it to theaters, would be Geoffery Rush, because he’s so good at playing a pirate and he once played a woman in a revival of The Importance of Being Earnest.
6. Snowman
Snowman is a villain Batman first encountered while skiing in the arctic back in the 80's. He angry, vicious, and can control ice and snow...oh, and he's a half-man, half-yeti (really). So, not only is the Snowman a half Bigfoot, his power of controlling ice is ripped off of another, much more famous, Batman villain. Why any comic book writer or artist would ever think they needed a hairy version of Mr. Freeze is beyond me, but if he ever was brought to life on film, the only actor who could play a half-sasquatch without CGI would have to be Mickey Rourke.
5. KGBeast
KGBeast was a character created towards the tail end of the Cold War. He was a Russian assassin who apparently killed over 200 people, including Anwar Sadat. He then came to America in 1988 to kill Ronald Reagan. Aside from his silly name, this character is way too dated to appear in any new Batman film. There would have to be a huge explanation about who Anwar Sadat was, and what the Soviet Union was, and I doubt Ronald Reagan would put up much of a fight now. If, somehow, someone wanted to make a Batman film placed it in the Cold War Era paranoia of the 1980’s, the best possible person to play KGBeast would have to be Dolph Lundgren so Batman could beat him up like Stallone did in Rocky IV.
4. Condiment King
Condiment King was a crappy stand-up comic who went crazy and started attacking the citizens of Gotham with various condiments. He was created to be a play on the cornier Batman villains like we saw in the 60's. He first appeared in Batman: The Animated Series wearing giant ketchup and mustard bottles on his back that squirt out of tubes on his arms. Though he was created to be a joke, apparently he could still be dangerous because he could put his victims into anaphylactic shock (I guess they had to give him something). I think even Joel Schumacher would have had reservations about bringing this guy to the big screen (although you never really know with the man who brought us bat-nipples). Casting the Condiment King would be easy though, think of it, a corny, hack comedian who uses stupid props to attack people, clearly this was a role Carrot-Top was born to play.
3. Crazy Quilt
The Crazy Quilt was a famous painter who committed crimes on the side until he got busted during a heist where he went blind. While in jail, he volunteered for an experimental procedure to restore his sight. After the surgery, he ended up with a rare color-blindness allowing him to only see bright lights, he then began wearing a helmet that would project bright lights so he could see, then the lights drove him crazy. And that was all before he began wearing a multi-colored quilt suit and calling himself The Crazy Quilt. And as if you needed any more proof that he doesn’t belong on the big screen, the guy also plays an instrument called the Color-Organ and once plotted to steal all the color from Gotham City… Honestly, the only person in the world who I could foresee making any sense out of this character would be Gary Busey, and that’s just because it seems like the character’s bio was thought up during one of his bizarre rants.
2. Penny Plunderer
The Penny Plunderer is one of Batman's oldest villains and of all the gimmick-oriented villains, I think Penny Plunderer is the saddest (at least Condiment King was meant to be a joke). His crimes all centered around pennies, which I'm pretty sure means that most of his crimes involved him diving into water fountains. Other than just the fact that his crimes never involve him stealing anything more than bus fare, Penny Plunderer's silliness does not end there: his real name is Joe Coyne. Coyne! Which is almost as stupid as Mr. Freeze's real name being Mr. Fries (pronounced Freeze). Though this villain is an utter joke, he does have one significant contribution to the Batman mythos: You know that giant penny that's always in the Batcave? It belonged to the Penny Plunderer. Honestly, I don't know who could or would ever want to play Joe Coyne, I'm just going to name Hugo Weaving because he's probably the only guy in the world who could make Penny Plunderer cool.
1. The Ventriloquist
Unfortunately, the Ventriloquist gets the number one spot. Now, to be honest, I really like this character. In Batman: The Animated Series he was one of my favorite villains, but even I know this guy couldn't pass muster on the big screen. Arnold Wesker is a meek, elderly puppeteer who's tough, angry ventriloquist dummy is a ruthless crime boss. The dummy's name is Mr. Scarface, who's a 1940's-type gangster who is a major player in the Gotham crime syndicate. I'm sorry, I don't care how tough he talks, I can't figure out how a 3-foot tall piece of wood could rise to power in Gotham City. Forget about Batman, who could easily beat the frail Mr. Wesker and snap his doll in half, but what about his goons? Even the stupidest Gotham villains wouldn't take orders from a talking toy. Just imagine Kermit the Frog as a Gotham gangster, and there's your Ventriloquist. As for the casting choice, ideal man to play the Ventriloquist would have been Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy as Mr. Scarface, but since they're dead, I guess Jeff Dunham and Walter could do it.