Quick1029's ABSOLUTE WORST FILM OF 2015!

Quick1029's ABSOLUTE WORST FILM OF 2015!

Today, I talk about the film no one saw, but was still a hit. A movie worse than Fant4stic and Jem combined.

Editorial Opinion
By Quick1029 - Dec 24, 2015 08:12 AM EST
Filed Under: Horror

The following article is a continuation of this article. It's not important. All you need to know is that there was a movie that was so bad that I had to dedicate an entire article to tell you how bad this is. With that out of the way, let's talk about GALLOWS!

The found footage genre is niche of Blumhouse Horror. Some of their most profitable films are found footage movies. Paranormal Activity. Unfriended. The Visit. There was a time where found footage was so popular that in 2012 there was a found footage superheoro action drama (Chronicle) and a found footage teen sex party comedy (Project X). I'm not a fan of found footage horror because most of it is just long spaces of nothing with cheap and predictable jump scares filmed on a cheap camera so they can save money. The Gallows is the worst example of this. 

Okay, let's talk about the plot. On October 29 (MY BIRTHDAY!), in the year of 1993, a high school was putting on a play called "The Gallows". Charlie Grimace was a part of the play, but he died onstage because it turns out they were using A REAL NOOSE!

So, nineteen years and 364 days later, the school is putting on the same play for the 20th anniversary of Charlie's death. A teen named Reese is part of the play because his crush, Pfeifer, is a part of a play. But Reese's best friend, Ross, is ashamed of Reese because he knows Reese is only in the play to get laid. So Ryan says a way to get out of the play is for them to sneak in at night and destroy the sets. So Reese, Ryan, Ryan's girlfriend sneak in at night, only for them to run into Pfeifer. Only to run into Charlie's ghost!


 

Okay, what's wrong with the movie? See, the reason they're doing this play is in honor of Charlie, and Charlie's ghost is haunting them. This is all because Charlie died because he got hanged. The problem is WHY WOULD THIS SCHOOL USE A REAL NOOSE?!? Even 20 years later, when they're recreating the play, THEY'RE STILL USING THE NOOSE! But some would say I'm nitpicking.'

Also, this movie is found footage. Which means the characters are filming the whole thing. Even though they are trying to dstroy the set without anyone thinking it was them, they are still filming the whole thing. This is done to save money and it worked. Because this movie cost $100,000.

So here's another problem. The acting is horrible. Apparently,most of the actors were either not actors, or in minor roles, except for the actress who plays Ryan's girlfriend, Cassidy (She was in God's Not Dead). It feels like they got most of the actors from an actual school play. Except for the actor who plays Ryan, because he looks like a 30-year-old. He's also a dead ringer for Ryan Gosling.

By the way, the actors share the same names as their characters. This tells me that A) The writing was so bad that they couldn't even come up with character names or B) The actors are terrible because the people behind this movie hired people off the street because they had the same name.

But that doesn't matter. Acting in found footage movies never mattered. Because they would always use the excuse "It makes it more believeable"(It doesn't). What matters in found footage horror is the horror itself. How are the scares?

See, the problem with found footage horror was set by Paranormal Activity. Where every now and then the demon would drop a pan and the audience would freak out. And nothing would happen until the end. And that happens in this.

It's just the idiots walking around the school until something bad would happen. But those longs parts of boring in Paranormal Activity are even longer here. The jump scares are cheap. There's one scene where a character is looking at a ceiling for five minutes. And you know something is going to happen, but they keep looking at the wall. What happens? The character gets lifted in the air... and is put back down. THERE ARE TONS OF SCENES LIKE THIS IN THE MOVIE! THE MOVIE IS 80 MINUTES! THIS WAS THE LONGEST 80 MINUTES OF MY LIFE! 

They parts that end with a jump scare are at least five minutes of nothing but the characters walking around or standing. But at least those jump scares are noises have something breaking. The worst scene in the movie has a character looking at a wall for five minutes. What's the payoff? Someone else sneaks behind them and causes that person to freak out. That's it!

But you know what? What really matters in a horror movie is you wanting the characters to make it out okay because you like them. I hate these characters! All they do is scream over and over about how they shouldn't summon the ghost or just look at wall until a jump scare comes. They're idiots. There's one scene where a character is yelling "CHARLIE!" and the other character's are "NO! DON'T SAY HIS NAME" like a bunch of idiots. And it goes on forever. I wanted these characters to die.

And then they all die in the end where stuff actually happens. Even Reese gets hanged by Charlie. Everyone dies... except for Pfeifer. Why? So they can reveal that she was Charlie's daughter.

I'm done. Just done. I'm done talking about this godawful movie. All of the other bad movies that came out this year had some tiny portion of effort put in. Not this.
 

The only thing that could cheer me up would be if tomorrow was...


Yes. I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
Unless you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or anything else.
In that case, Happy Hanukka and Happy Kwanzaa.
And now I have a special announcement...
Starting January 1, 2016, Quick1029 will be no more!
I will now be known as...
QUICK!
Wow! I chopped off the numbers. I'm so creative.
<sigh>
Well, the point is...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
DON'T WATCH THE GALLOWS!

 

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Odin
Odin - 12/24/2015, 2:46 PM
I dislike found footage movies, and I hate when people say that it's a movie-genre. It's not a genre, it's [frick]ing stupid gimmick.

@Quick1029 Good review, thumb up.
Scorpo
Scorpo - 12/24/2015, 10:25 PM
10/10
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