Top 10 TV & Film Aliens Least Equipped To Take Over The World
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com
Copyright 2012
10. E.T.
First up is the alien from “E.T.” This race of extra terrestrials wouldn’t stand a chance against the humans. The first thing E.T. does when he lands on Earth is get lost in the woods. Then later, he is easily tricked by a trail of Reese’s Pieces. He also gets drunk and passes out from just a couple of beers and screams for his life when he meets a four-year-old Drew Barrymore. Now, he does have some powers, which we see when he heals Elliot’s finger, but then he can’t do anything for himself when he catches pneumonia. No wonder he wanted to “phone home,” clearly this ugly little turd was overmatched.
9. The aliens from “Signs”
Yes, “Signs” is one of only two movies by M. Night Shyamalan that is worth watching (if you’re considering renting “The Happening,” DON’T! Trust me on this one) and it does have some cool stuff in it, but if you really think about it, these aliens are absolute morons. If you missed the twist-ending to this film, the aliens are allergic to water. Yup, the same way Dorothy melts the Wicked Witch of the West is how Mel Gibson scares away these aliens. So, that means at no point in their takeover plans did any one of them go “Hey, what do you suppose all that blue stuff is down there?” They just land on a planet that is 75% water and expect to never get wet. Stupid. Just plain stupid.
8. The Antareans from “Cocoon”
“Cocoon” is the story of a bunch of aliens who come to Earth and set up camp next to an old-folks-home. And when the geezers break into their headquarters, do they probe them or vaporize them or grind them into rocket fuel? No, they help them. They make them feel so young that Don Ameche can break dance and Wilford Brimley is cured of his diabetes. Even after the senior citizens kill two aliens, the lead alien does little more than shrug his shoulders. When it comes down to it, “Cocoon” is essentially the story of visitors from another galaxy who come here to play shuffleboard with old people and swim with dolphins. They should have just taken a cruise and saved themselves the trip.
7. The aliens from “Toy Story”
Talk about missed opportunity! Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger and Defender of the Galactic Alliance is trapped in their spaceship and they’ve got him surrounded. It would have been a perfect time to maim and dissect him, but no, they wait like zombie cultists for the “The Claw” to make all of their decisions for them and let Buzz get rescued by a Cowboy made of stuffing. In the sequels, the aliens have successfully infiltrated the ranks of Andy’s room, but they do little more than play victims in Andy’s scenarios, hardly a threat to anyone. In fact, they even save everyone’s life in the third film! No wonder that kid Sid fed one of these things to his dog. They’re a sad excuse for aliens.
6. The Prawns from “District 9”
The aliens in “District 9” are, all-around, a pretty pathetic excuse for space invaders. They’re stuck on Earth because they ran out of gas and while they are here they allow themselves to be locked in some ghetto in South Africa. The human race beats up on them constantly (and why shouldn’t we? They’re totally ugly) and these aliens just take it and whine about their lot in life. Now, I had one of my friends tell me this movie was symbolic or something, but all I saw was some dirty outer-space bugs who are on Earth because they didn’t have AAA. It’s too bad they didn’t land in the Good Ol’ USA; if they had, we would have just blasted them away with rockets stuffed with Raid and we would have had every right to do so.
5. Mork
Now, Mork may not appear threatening, but he actually is a force to be reckoned with. He can control the weather, freeze time and he even defeated The Fonz in a duel. The Fonz! Who I’m pretty sure could defeat any alien ever. But the reason why I put Mork on this list is that he is just too annoying to take over Earth. I’m convinced the human race would never allow itself to be conquered by Mork. Iran, Israel, China and America would all band together to destroy him, lest we spend eternity chanting “Na-Nu Na-Nu” with our fingers pointing in the air.
4. The aliens from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”
In “Close Encounters,” a bunch of piano-playing aliens terrorize and kidnap innocent people for diabolical research, or at least that’s what it seems. Throughout the film, people are having visions of the aliens’ landing site, which eventually turns out to be Wyoming. Why Wyoming and not Vegas or New York or D.C.? God knows, but anyway, they land in Wyoming to much fanfare, but what do they do upon landing? They play music! That’s it! They had a chance to blow away tons of scientists and military personnel, which would have been a great way to kick-off a takeover of Earth, but no. They essentially play a long game of Simon with the humans, then come out, smile and wave hello and then they leave and bring Richard Dreyfuss (who has no problem abandoning his wife and kids) along with them, no, not as a prisoner, as an ambassador. Then they go home, end of story. I say that if humans ever begin colonizing outer space, we start with these guys, they’re just waiting to be taken over.
3. The Martians from “War of the Worlds”
Now, why would one of the most enduring science-fiction stories of all time be on this list? Well, think about it, these aliens kill lots of people, they break all of Tom Cruise’s stuff and blast away the U.S. military with ease. Now, all of that is great and certainly puts them on a good path for global domination, but ultimately, what brings them down? Germs! Just imagine if these aliens had bought some hand sanitizers! For fifty cents at Rite-Aid, they could have enslaved the human race for all of time! I bet you all of those people who jumped out of windows in 1938 during Orson Welles’ radio broadcast would have been just fine if they knew they only needed to sneeze on the aliens and they’d drop like a rock. It’s too bad there wasn’t the Hydrogen Bomb back in H.G. Wells’ time, because if there was, we’d probably have a much better ending than a bunch of aliens catching the flu.
2. ALF
Alf, I think, just suffers from a lack of ambition. We know that he made it all the way to earth in his spaceship, and once he got here he had some pretty extraordinary accomplishments; he ran for public office and even hosted “The Tonight Show.” So, clearly, Alf was an advanced life form, but what does he do with his talents? Nothing. He seems content to sit on the couch, watch television and occasionally try to eat a cat. It seems as though taking over the world never even crosses his mind. For example, in an early episode, Alf calls the president and tells him to disarm America’s nuclear weapons. And I thought, okay, here it is, he’s making Earth vulnerable so he can slaughter millions. But, it turns out, he was just calling because he doesn’t want humans to harm Earth with Nuclear Weapons (lame). So, rest assured Earthlings, this fat little fuzzball is no threat.
1. The aliens from “Independence Day”
I know, I know, they blew up the White House and flattened New York City. So why the hell would the aliens from “Independence Day” top this list? Yes, they came to Earth and gave the human race a shellacking, but one man stood in their way: Randy Quaid. That’s correct, fat, sloppy, slow-witted Randy Quaid. The same Randy Quaid who is currently a political exile in Canada because he is hiding from the IRS (really). Now, I know that Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum wrecked the big alien mother-ship, but the greatest victory on Earth came down to Randy Quaid. So, a piece of advice to any alien with plans to take over the world: If Randy Quaid poses any kind of threat to you, just pack it up and forget about it. You don’t stand a chance.