Okay, so a little while back, I posted the first part of this story, but for some reason, when I posted it, for some reason, pieces were missin, so here I am, reposting it in ful. Hope you enjoy!
SLEEPY BOTTLE
A DEADPOOL TALE:
INTRODUCTION
"..Those Olsen twins were here right now, boy-o-b...huh, wuzzat? Oh its time? Alright, we`ll pick this up when I`m done here. Hello, readers from the third dimension! It is I, your lovable lord, the infactuous Deadpool!! (hey, did I use that word right, infactuous? Ah well). Now, some of you may be sitting out there, asking yourselves 'Wade, what are you doing here?' or 'what is this Canuckle head doing wasting my precious time' (which I highly doubt it is), or maybe even 'wow that Deadpool is soo hot. I wonder how I could get a date with him'. Well, as long as you ain`t a dude, check me out on Facebook. If you pass my test from one image alone, I`ll take care of the rest. Actually, maybe it would be better off to not bother. Last time I tried dating over that thing, it didn`t end out so well. Lets just say this gal (if you can call her that) was obsessed with lemons, paprika and boa constrictors. I`m surprised I got out of there alive. But you don`t wanna hear about that (dont`cha hate it when people say that?!?) On to why I`m here. Well, I have been asked to introduce y`all to this soon to be bestseller! Ain`t you lucky!!!! So I thought to myself, what better way to start off this masterpiece then with my very own origin story! Yay! Actually, I came up with 42 differnet ways (hey, maybe thats the question to the life, the universe and everything!). But, I was easily persuaded ($$$$$$$) to just stick with my humble beginnings, so here we go!"
"It all started that faithful day, when my spacepod crash landed in that lonely little field. A kind family took me in, raising me like I was one of their own. By the time I was a teen, I started to change, and found I possessed incredible powers. I later found that I was not an earthling at all, but was from a distant world. On my eighteenth birthday, I left home in search of my real heritage. My journeys led me to becoming the top scientist in charge of gamma and gamma technology. While working on our latest project, a gamma bomb, something went horribly wrong. One thing led to another, and I was left to wander around in a very big fit of rage. When I finally decided to calm down and smell the roses, a strange spacecraft crash landed next to me, and an odd lookin fella popped out. The strange man gave me an odd ring, which was able to tell me of my true identity. Turns out, I was from a land called Asgard, and my father was the god of the gods. Cool!! I decided to try and find a way to return to my homeworld, but was bitten by a strange red and blue spider. And that is the story of how I got my amazing powers. Oh wait, actually I was born a mutant! Ya, thats it! Now scram!! So back to the Olsens...”
CHAPTER ONE: SHOWDOWN IN CHINA TOWN
Thursday, January 18. A lone figure sits alone, the harsh winter wind silently passing across his face. Like the grip of death, the wind surrounds him, but he does not feel it. He does not feel anything. He does not think anything. No breath escapes his lungs, no beat drums from his heart. He is gone. In the near distance, a man can be seen. Long, brown trenchcoat. Worn-down boots dragging through the snow. Not a sound can be heard. Not a whisper. Nothing, except for the chilling, screeching laughter, the laughter of a mad man.
Five hours later. In his little, trash-filled apartment, Wade Wilson sat curled up in his favourite comfy chair watching TV. An ad flashed across the screen. “Introducing the new Tickle Me Barbie...” Wade, disgusted by the commercial, said “Aww Ken, how could you let your lil sweetie sink so low. I mean, allowing all these strangers to put there hands all over her.” While saying this, Wade reaches over behind the chair, pulling out his own Barbie. “Aww my love, you havent told Ken about us, now have you? No? Aww thats my girl. Now, who loves ya?” Just then, a loud bang rang from the door, causing Wade to jump, dropping his ‘baby girl’ on the ground, breaking off a foot. “Aww now look what you made me do!!! There better be a good reason for this disturbance.” As he walks towards the door, he knocks over a table full of dorito and lays bags, an odd assortment of magazines, and a rather odd statuette of the Pink Panther. As he began to reach for the doorknob, he started thinking of pandas. Hmm, what an odd time to have dancing pandas pop into the ol noggin. Slowly, he started to turn the knob. Slowly, ever so slowly. “Huh, I guess you have a lot more patience than I expected. Usually, people get mad, and start slammin again!” Finally he opened the door, and to his surprise, a man collapsed into his arms. Immediately, Wade dropped him to the ground. “Dude, thanks for the offer, but I don`t fly that way. Well, I did once, but I was tricked into thinkin he was a she, and well, let`s jus say she had a boa and some paprika.” The man lay there at Wades feet, not a sound coming from him, not a movement. “Uh...dude, you there?” Wade began to nudge the mans forehead with his foot. “Uhh, man get up. I don`t have time for this. Aww great, I think he`s dead. Well, only one way to find out.” Hoisting the limp body up over his shoulder, Wade carried the man over towards his one and only window. Grabbing the body by the ankle, he held it out the window, shaking it uncontrollably. “Hellooooo! Anybody home? Hmm, well maybe he is dead. But just in case...” He brought the limp body back in, and threw it onto the couch. It landed in an awkward position, dealing with a hand and the groin area. “Hey, wudda ya know, dead and he`s still at it. I hope thats me someday.” Wade walked over to his drawers, rustled through a bunch of odds and ends, which were even odd by his standards, finally pulling out a small pistol with a silencer attached. Wade placed only one bullet in it, and walked over to the body. “OK, mister tough guy, I`ve played this game of yours before, and I`m gonna prove to myself, and the lovely readers of CBM, that you are still alive, jus playin around with me. So we`re gonna play one o me favourite games. I like to call it, Russian roulette. Ever heard of it? No? Well, you`ll learn fast. Here, I`ll even go first, just to show you how it`s done!” Wade brought the gun barrel up to his own temple, his finger buzzing over the trigger. His finger pulled, and BANG! “Dang it!!! I was sure I was safe on that one!!!!!” Wade sat there, blood drooling out of the side of his face, a clean fresh hole smoking. “Man that really smarts!!! You`d think you`d get used to being shot but, oooh no, it has to hurt every single freakin time!!!!! Ahem. Sorry bout that. As you can tell, I don`t usually have guests. Hold on a sec, lemme get another bullet, and clean up this mess.” By the time Wade had returned, the bullet wound had completely healed, and he had a freshly placed bullet in the gun. “OK, lets try that again, this time, lets try for the other way around though. OK?” Again, Wade pulled the gun on himself. He pulled the trigger, causing himself to have a massive flinch. When he opened his eyes, he said “Wuh, hey, I did it! I didn`t shoot myself! Woo hoo!! But enough with the celebrations, it`s your turn.” As Wade turned the gun towards the unmoving body, the pandas started playing around in his head again. “OK, mister ‘dead guy’, the pandas are tellin me your time is up. And they ain`t lied to me yet. Of course, They`ve only been around for about five minutes, but hey, I trust them. Here we go.” Wade pulled the trigger, and the bullet went tearing through the air, spiraling towards the body. Time seemed to slow down at the moment, for as the bullet sped towards the body, slowly, an eye opened in horror. The bullet struck, and time seemed to speed up for Wade. Finally, reality caught up with him. “Holy @!#@$ the guy actually was alive!!!” Just then, he noticed a note pinned to the guys chest. “Huh, funny how I didn`t notice this before. I mean, it`s a large piece o paper pinned smack dab in the middle of his body!” He snatched the note off of the now deceased body, and began to read:
DOWNTOWN
FRIDAY, JANUARY 19 MIDNIGHT
SECRET ASSIGNMENT URGENT
$$$$$$$$$$
Well, that last part was enough to get Wade out the door.
CHAPTER TWO: MEETINGS OF THE DOWNTOWN KIND
Friday, January 19, midnight. The streets are quiet. Well they would be quiet, if it were not for one minor annoyance. “...Who in there right mind would have such a vague meeting place as ‘downtown’, if they were so urgent to meet me! I mean, have they ever seen the size of this city. Downtown is like the size of a large village! Here`s a suggestion for next time, give more specific directions, or DON`T BOTHER ASKIN ME!!! I mean, this is ridiculous, it`s like something I would do to someone who, well, actually, I would probably do it to jus about anyone, but come on, thats cheap using my own moves against me! Ya that`s right, I figured out your gamepl-“ Just then, Wade looked up, watching a red-and-blue dressed man swinging across the cityscape. “......Show-off. You know, I could do that too if I really wanted to, but, you know how it is...”
“I`m afraid I don`t mister Wilson.” The sound of a sinister voice crawling out of the shadows caused Wade to jump, but as quick as it had happened, he already had his gun pulled out, aimed at the mysterious figure. “I am quite upset mister Wilson, but I was under the impression that you were a skilled killer, but the way you hold your gun like that, you should be pointing it closer to my heart, or my skull.”
“Actually, I find my own way is a little bit more effective, doc.” Wade gestured his head down, and the man saw a red dot dancing around his crotch. “Ahem, yes, well, I guess I misjudged you there, ahem.”
“That`s right mister....mister...mister shadow man, and you`ll find it is not a smart thing to underestimate me.”
“Yes, my mistake. Now, if you would be kind enough to point that gun away from me, we can start this meeting.”
“Sorry, no can do. At least, not until you come out of hidin in the shadows so`s I can see who it is I am makin a deal with here.” For a good while, the two men just stood there, letting the cool breeze fly by, rustling a large pile of leaves. Finally, the shadowed figure let out a sigh. “Very well, then.” Slowly, the man emerged into the light. As he did so, Wades eyes opened so wide, he felt like his eyes were gonna plop right out of his noggin. The man was a mess. Sporting large, round blue tinted sunglasses, tuxedo t-shirt, and a mullet that would make Billy Ray Cyrus jealous, Wade just couldn`t contain himself. He fell to the ground, tears filling his eyes. “ Oh my goodness, you can`t be serious!!! I Can see why you were hiding in the shadows there, man. Ha ha hee hoo ha ha!!!” The man grew tired of Wades laughter, and pulled out a large, futuristic weapon from his back pocket. “Mister Wilson, if you are quite finished, we can talk buisiness.” Slowly, Wade pulled himself together, and stood up, sniffling. “OK man, `I`m cool. Now, erm, why the elaborate scheme to get my attention?”
“My name is Chauncy Mclaire and-“ at that moment Wade let out a loud snort. “Yes, well, glad you find my name so...amusing.”
“Anytime!”
“Yes, anyways, my name is Chauncy Mclaire, and I want you to capture someone for me.” At this tme, Mclaire pulled out a torn and bent picture. “This is my associate, or, should I say, was my associate. You see, yesterday, his body was found brutally beaten and completely lifeless in China Town. Now, I would turn to the police for help, but a man in my line of business would rather stay as far away from the likes of them. But I`m sure you understand. But enough of the background of the subject. I`m sure you know what they say about giving too much info to those you are trying to hire. What I want you to do for me is actually quite simple for a man of your rep. I want you to track down the killer, and I want you to make him suffer! Make him pay for what he did to my brot-hrm, I mean my associate. Don`t worry, money is not a problem. So are you willing or not?” Finally, Mclaire noticed Wade, who was just staring, with a dumber look on his face than usual. “Wha, were you even listening to a word I just said!!”
“Dude, that hair. It`s jus so...so hypnotic. It`s so terrifying, but I can`t find myself able to pull away. Seriously, can you move back into the shadows. Hey, wait-a-minute, did you say China Town? Now I understand that title!”
“What? What title? What are you talking about!”
“Oh, nothing.” Wade turns his head out towards the readers, and gives a little wink. “So what was it you called me down here for?”
“Sigh. Yesterd-“
“No, just stop. Seriously, you need to move back into the shadows.”
CHAPTER 3: THE NOSE OF A BLOODHOUND
Half an hour had passed, and Mclaire was sitting cross legged, hands resting on his knees, deep in meditation. Deep down, he could feel something bubbling. He could feel an amazing power overwhelming his body. He felt like “-Hey, dude I`m back, I`m not like interupting or anything, am I?” The sound of Wades voice brought Mclaire clean out of his trance. “Oh, no, I was just about to find-“
“Dude, I don`t care. Here, I found your man, now give me my dough.” Wade tossed a badly beaten and burned body at Mclaires feet. The face was so badly scarred and burnt it was barely recognizable as a human. “I-I don`t believe it Mr. Wilson, are you sure this is really the man who killed my-“
“Yup, now give me my moolah.” Mclaire slowly stood up, an enormous grin on his face. For a moment, he just towered over the body, staring down. Then, “You son of %$?#! You ain`t so tough now are you!” As he cursed, he began kicking the body. He continued this for about two minutes, until finally “Well, I don`t usually like to stop a swear fest when its going strong like this, but I really wanna get out of here, and I`m runnin out of different words for money.” Mclaire stopped, wiping his hair away from his eyes. “Yes, very well. A deals a deal. Here is your money, Mr. Wilson, and thank you, thank you so much.” As soon as Wade had the money in his greedy hands, he was gone, before Mclaire was even finished his thanks.
EPILOGUE
Now, you might be wondering how Wade was able to find the man he was hired to kill, and deliver him to Chauncy Mclaire within half an hour. Well, the truth is, he didn`t. Well, he found the man, but it was someone who was too important to Wade to actually hurt, but he really, really wanted the money. So he ran back home, snatched up the body he had previously shot on his couch, and performed some very cruel ‘experiments’ to it. But that took all of seven minutes. So what did he do for the rest of the time? Well, lets just say he found a stray boa constrictor. And the identity of the actual murderer was none other than....aw never mind, you don`t want to hear about that. OK, here`s a hint, who do you think is importent enough that Wade wouldn`t want to kill for money? “Hey, why is everyone lookin at me?”