(Movies fail at the box office, and many more fail to even find release into theaters. When one of these dead on arrival titles arrives on disc they go under the knife of the forensic video-examiner, all in the hope of determining the causes of death in the marketplace. Be forewarned any who wish to see the film – this piece is entirely a SPOILER.)
Last August this bizarre curiosity reared out of nowhere; a quixotic kids experience filled with nonsense, born of a egomaniac’s bank account, and populated with a collection of dimming celebrity. As news of its arrival flew across the internet it thudded into theaters and then truly made a name for itself (anything being an improvement over its given name).
Oogieloves didn't just fail, it did so spectacularly. It earned the lowest weekend gross for a film in 2,000+ theaters, ever! More stark, the previous record belonged to
Delgo, made four years earlier, so along with inflated ticket prices this fiasco had the benefit of a Labor Day weekend.
This mess comes from a genius named Kenn Viselman, a self proclaimed “marketing visionary”. His claim to fame prior is “The marketing visionary who brought you
Teletubbies, Thomas The Tank Engine and
Eloise.” As if that resume is not bad enough, note how this is somebody in marketing; no claims of titles like “creator”, “producer”, or “writer”. And it gets worse. Kenn (who supplied the superfluous consonant himself) brags he was inspired to fabricate this interactive experience after watching a
Madaea film and seeing the audience yell at the screen. This energized him, hoping to replicate a
Rockey Horror Picture Show response, but for the post-diaper set, in the process creating both a new hysteria and a demand for products. Let’s now pull on the gloves and open up this cotton-candy-colored corpse.
00:00:36 Septic Introduction Before the movie begins Viselman realized he had to convince his pre-K demographic this is worthwhile, so we get a shoehorned primer on what’s ahead. The characters – like second-generation spawn from H.R. Puffinstuff, with eyes that don’t blink and mouths which barely move – are Goobie (the brainy one), Zoozie (the girl who can speak to animals), and Toofie (the adventurous one). (Considering the appeal with stoners they missed not naming one “Doobie”). And we are not talking depth of personality here, when Toofie declares “I love to have as much fun as possible, all of the time”. So he is on par with your average KISS Army fan, who wants to rock-N-roll all night, and party every day.
00:01:11 Weakened Impulse Apropos of nothing Zoozie exclaims, “This is the most amazing movie, EV-ER!” The only way this approaches accurate is applying the sliding scale of many in the audience never having seen a movie.
00:01:50 Iatrogenic Direction You get to see Kenn Viselman’s desperation. The kids are instructed when to interact with the film; if butterflies appear on the bottom of the screen they are to get out of their seats and dance around, and when turtles trot across the bottom it is time to sit down. You fail replicating the organic crowd play of “Rocky Horror” with compulsory participation.
00:05:51 Locale Anesthesia We explore the Oogieloves home, which features a gruff-talking fish named Ruffie, also an anthropomorphic window named Windy, and the place is lorded over by a parental vacuum cleaner named J. Edgar. The fulcrum of the plot is Schluufy, a mush-mouthed narcoleptic pillow. This all smacks of a regretful hallucination following ecstasy-spiked Jaeger Bombs.
00:07:29 Invasive Pathos To get to something approximating a story it is Schluufy’s birthday and they want to host a surprise party for the unconscious pillow. However, as J. Edgar arrives, he screws the pooch and lets five golden balloons go free, ruining the party. They are called the last “magical” balloons in Lovelyville without an explanation, so we have to take it on faith the mylar inflatables contain mystical properties.
00:08:49 Plot Stimulant The Oogieloves will embark on an adventure to retrieve the balloons and rescue the party, while J. Edgar stays home. Then we see there is sexual tension between the vacuum cleaner and the window. That balloon release is no longer looking like an accident but a ploy for romantic privacy!
00:17:11 Ruptured Visual Each balloon retrieval leads us to an encounter with a D-list celebrity embarrassing themselves in a check-cashing cameo. First is a tree inhabited by Dottie, an individual who decorates her home with circles played by Cloris Leachman. She resembles your great aunt on her way to the 4H Club Bingo Pot Luck Social. You can almost smell the menthol cigarettes from here.
00:18:53 Cauterized Plot Cavity There is no mention of what I suspect to be severe family tension behind the scenes, as the round-obsessed Dottie lives with her square-loving granddaughter.
00:25:58 Septic Introduction The next balloon is at Milky Marvin’s Milkshake Manor, and the proprietor is played by Oscar nominee Chazz Palminteri. I’m at a loss.
00:32:12 Ruptured Visual At Marvin’s the patrons are served a Crayola box of milkshake colors. It smacks as a metaphor for the proverbial Kool-Aid Kenn Viselman dreamed tykes would swallow on his path to riches.
00:36:06 Septic Introduction The WTF-ery continues, as the third balloon brings us singer Toni Braxton. With no regard to the plot she sings a song about the proper way to cough when sick, and imploring the children to blink along with her. Nothing like challenging those evolving minds.
00:45:46 Cauterized Plot Cavity The Braxton scene drags out forever it seems, but I was placated by the torch singer’s inappropriately low-cut dress.
00:47:39 Arrested Physics During the banal activities my mind wanders, so I guess an ADD-addled toddler would likewise by distracted. I spent time contemplating how a creature lacking a nose is sporting large eyeglasses.
00:48:29 Chronicle Failure Depending on your perspective the introduction of star Carey Elwes as Bobby Wobbly is either the nadir of the film, or its high point. Elwes plays his cowboy as an adolescent with a brain infirmity AND an addiction to prescription medications. It is a sight to behold. Watch this scene and tell me you have no sympathy for the man’s self-induced destruction.
00:50:54 Iatrogenic Direction Not to tell a marketing visionary how to do business, but Viselman could have trimmed his budget by opting for a bubble machine, rather than shelling out for CGI bubbles.
01:00:39 Septic Introduction To reach the last balloon the gang needs to ride in a house-sized sombrero powered by dancing. It is owned by a pair of Latinos, played naturally by Caucasians Christopher Lloyd and Jaime Pressley, who speaks with a Spanish accent thicker than that of Sophia Vergara. I honestly have no idea what is happening, nor why.
01:01:49 Blunt-Force Dialogue Referring to the Mexican hat Ruffie exclaims, “It’s fedora-ble!”. It is a sign how adversely the film has affected me that this misnomer really pisses me off!
01:04:20 Continuity Failure When everyone’s dancing is too slow to power the hat they turn to the 72 year old Lloyd to dance rapidly. The film is sped up to achieve the needed result.
01:12:41 Cranial atrophy After all the efforts to collect these damned balloons the trio heads home and then manages to release them all over again. To bring them back the audience is supposed to blow kisses at the balloons. At this rate I’d say even the toddlers would be inspired to violence against these creatures.
01:17:09 Collapsed Climax The pillow is revived for its party and the magic of these balloons is revealed: they sing a tuneless song. Then Schluufy -- who received presents from all of the stars despite never having known it existed -- asks if there are any more surprises. The thankless pillow then receives another batch of presents from these same people, via the window. I cannot understand this affection for an object possessing no personality which at one point was shown to dream about being asleep.
01:21:50 Weakened Impulse A cautionary tale. This tank-engine-wreck was directed by a one-time Oscar nominated documentary director.
POST MORTEM
While I understand that I am not the intended audience on some level I have reason to judge – I mean, Jaime Pressley and Toni Braxton’s cleavage appeared in this kid feature for a reason. It demands attention when a commercial huckster fails so magnificently (Viselman did not even produce tie-in products). The hilarity is when hoping to tap into a money stream he sank $20 million into a budget that netted a return of -95% in theaters.
Give the guy some credit however; he refused to acknowledge the failure and even tried to spin the historically awful result into a positive. “,i>The attention we’re getting as a result of this is going to help our video-on-demand and DVD campaigns,” said the marketing genius. “
It’s going to help the next films, whether they’re theatrical releases or video.”
Did you pick up on that? He said “films”, as in plural. It takes the madness of genius to not become dissuaded by such a disaster and actually be encouraged by it. Or it takes an idiot. Considering this was inspired by a Tyler Perry Madaea title I’ll leave that to you to decide which applies.