Trailer:
“You’re not superheroes. There is no such thing as superheroes!”
Those who have read my previous reviews know how I duck my head and buckle down for a crappy movie the second the film opens with generic background narration on past events. It’s something I like to refer as my Bad Movie Detector and as expected it was right on the money with Zoom, a film that embodies everything bad about family films. Anyone who complains about Sky High has yet to witness the horror that is Zoom.
The opening of the film starts off with a comic sequence ripped straight out of Sky High and re implemented in this eerily similar concept. Though they are kind of cool, it has that been-done feel to it….and rightfully so as I just saw it five films ago. From there we move on to meet Tim Allen’s title character Zoom. By now he is used to being the best thing in shoddy movies….maybe that’s why he does it. But I can’t imagine him needing the confidence boost of working with talentless child actors (most likely snatched from Disney TV shows). Regardless he is the only person with something even resembling charm in the film.
Now the central concept of a middle aged, washed up superhero having to train a group of new recruits by force to fight his brother isn’t bad and has a lot of potential. But once again Disney squanders a possibly amusing concept and wastes it on commercialism, potty jokes, and generic boring plot.
Commercialism sounds like a good place to start and the most obvious thing they are trying to sell here is Smashmouth, who, from the sound of it, did the entire soundtrack. It would occasionally allow some other artist with a “hero” related song to play at the most cheesy moment possible but mostly it’s just Smashmouth dominated the speakers. So much that they even turned every other sound in the movie off when he was on. It goes without saying that the music became unbelievably annoying. Oh but don’t worry, they leave room for things such as Wendy’s fast food and video games. Might as well drain the parent’s wallet on one go.
Almost everything in the film is ripped off of a better known property whether that be X-Men, Fantastic Four, or even smaller films like Sky High. Unfortunately in lacks in any kind of execution or even worse….characters.
All the little kids in the film are pretty much assholes, even when people are being nice to them. Perhaps the makers where going for endearing, but they painfully missed their mark. Instead their personalities are so off the wall to the point of being considered psychotic stereotypes. I honestly couldn’t care less if every last one of them gets pulverized by the main, nearly nonexistent, villain.
This brings us to the main villain who pretty much is barely ever seen to the point where he could be considered a Mcguffin. He exists for the sole purpose of bringing the kids together. They make him out as this ohhhhh, scary guy, but when he finally shows up all he can do is get his ass handed to him by eight year olds. Even his relationship with Tim Allen’s character (a big plot point) is poorly executed and as a result Zoom’s personal arc becomes unconvincing and poorly built up.
When Zoom begins in his role as mentor he refuses to train the kids, then he does a hack job of it, then for no reason at all he becomes inspired to train them because “they are like a family”. Awwwwww isn’t that Cute- NO! It makes no sense!
Yet as bad as Tim Allen’s character was, he is nothing in comparison to Courtney Cox (best known for the Friends TV show) who plays his primary love interest. She is easily the most annoying character (which is quite a feat in this film). Sure her character is supposed to be annoying but in order for me to root for Tim Allen to get busy with her, she has to be likable on at least some level. Not the case here. I would much rather see her loaded into a rocket and shot to the most distant planet (Pluto or Neptune you astronomy nerds argue it out). She’s not in any way convincing as an insecure geek.
The film lack any real tension to it as it builds towards an anticlimactic finish where the team never seems to be in danger and the ending is so half hashed to be considered “happy” that everything falls apart. Worst yet, halfway through the film it tells the audience EXACTLY (word for word) how it is going to end. It is so blatant that I could write the ending down right now and I wouldn’t consider it a spoiler. Yet I’ll restrain myself because I know many of you are about ready to jump out of your seats to rent it!
So, is there anything I actually like about this movie. In short…..no. The only thing that keeps me from giving it the lowest of the low rating that I reserve pretty much for Catwoman alone, is that Tim Allen is likable in it (rare occasions funny) and it’s targeted at very little kids. If you’re four then you’re not going to care about these things anyways and will still enjoy it. And if the target audience is going to get a kick out of it, who am I to stop them. I more worried about the parents offing themselves so they don’t have to watch something like this again.
FINAL RATING: 2/10- (20%)
Previous DAY 64- V for Vendetta
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