Weapon XI Holding facility -
“What the frick is going on here? I feel like a night out in Vegas…minus good behaviour. Damn WTF – am I hungover?” Wilson said thinking no one was around. He shook his head as he grimaced. His eyes burnt as he realised he was out cold for a long time.
“Hmmm…either I had tequila shots and margaritas or a free 24 hour subscription to the Playboy channel cuz I feel like sh..”
“Shhhhh….dumbass!” said a voice, “you wanna get us killed!”
Wade Wilson sat on his backside on the cell floor, he was imprisoned and he saw no way out. He barely remembered the past weeks…months even.
“Who the hell are you Backstreet Boy?” Wade asked the guy in the cell next to him.
“Name’s Robert Slade…Bob for short” said the guy. He was a bit short, fair with ginger-like hair, and freckles that reminded Wade of how he used to tease such kids as a youth in Junior High.
“You look funny man” Wade remarked.
“Not as funny as you do” Bob snickered.
“Oh screw you you f…” Wade couldn’t finish as the walls exploded.
BOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!
Wade was about to feel his face after Bob’s joke but suddenly he found himself covered in dust amidst rubble. A van pulled up alongside the gaping hole in wall, and an old lady opened the panel door…a young lad was in the driver’s seat…
“Get in Wade…now!” she yelled.
As Wade approached,
“Holy shitload of hell kid…what the hell did they do to you…your face?” the driver yelled.
“My name is Wade? Aint that a bizznitch?”
Suddenly machine guns fired and soldiers were running towards the. The van was in the road, and it was busy so Wade knew they weren’t at a regular prison.
“Wait for me!” Bob yelled
“Who the f--- are you?” the woman screamed.
“Bob is me” as he looked at the building he and Wade were held in – Sharma’s Laundromat.
“What’s everyone mean sumn is wrong with my face?” Wade yelled, “Cuz I am a handsome mutha…”
Pfthhh!!!
Wade felt his chest burn, and saw blood leaking down his red tee. He felt two more sharp pains in his side. As he saw Bob running towards him, he felt a series of tingling feelings on his head…everything went black!
3 hours later – Secret location
Wade woke up in a flurry, “Runnn…shit…they’re shooting….shit…I think I’m hit..wha wha…what’s happening? Where am I?”
“Relax kiddo. Your crotch is on fire no more. You’re safe now” the old lady said to him.
He saw that she was blind.
“You sure you don’t see any trouble coming” remarked Wade.
“Ask your mother” the lady hit back
“OHHH-kay then Wade” as Wilson looked around, “what the hell just happened dudes…and blind gal?”
“Jesus…Wade…don’t you remember a thing…nothing for the past few weeks or whatever…if you can’t recognize us, then you cant remember the past year” said the van driver.
Wade breaks the 4th wall… “Say no to drugs kids!”
He continues “I have no clue who any of you are or where I am…or what day it is…what year…or who is the Penthouse Pet of the month!”
“Shit…alright kid…sit ya ass down” said the driver, “my name’s Weasel aka Jack Hammer, I’m ya best friend for the past year…and lady’s Blind Al…Althea Betsy Ross…she plays our mama. Now we gotta go see Agent X. He said you may not be yourself”
“Whoa’ said Bob, “You guys are heroes for helping spring me but I gotta bust now. Cant get caught again you know”
“You aint going nowhere till we see Wade gets help yuh punk ass. You could be an informer for all we know. Who the hell are you Bob?”
“I’m just a guy who messed up on my PC” Bob stuttered
“PC? Wazzat? Pre-coitus?...wait a friggin sec!” shouted Wade, “I just got my ass shot up. I distinctly remember feeling bullets in me”
Blind Al answered, “shot you 3 times in the body”
“and 10 times in the head” Weasel added.
“What the eff? How did I live?”
“Well that’s what we gonna figure out? Agent X said you’d be different if we got you. We didn’t know how different…but when Bob dragged your bloody ass into the getaway van and we escaped full-speed. Damn man…we nearly shat ourselves cuz those wounds…healed…closed up…no blood…no marks…dude…your body spat out the bullets in half an hour. We’ve seen you live through a bullet or 2 before…said you were special…but kid…10 times…in the head alone?…that’s 50 cent shit! When we got back here, we just waited to see if you’d wake up” added Weasel.
“Look over in the glass there. Them’s your bullets” Al added.
Bob chimed in “it was unreal man. I had to wait till you woke to ensure I wasn’t dreaming. You are a freak man…”
“Stop saying…AHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FRACK IS WRONG WITH MY SKIN AND MY FACE” yelled Wade.
He caught glimpse of himself in a mirror in the warehouse, and his red long sleeve was rolled up.
His face was as if it were burnt, with boils and scars, like hot water fell on it. His hands the same – deformed even. It looked disgusting.
“Okay I need answers now!” he yelled
BOOM!
Explosions rained outside and guns began firing once more. The warehouse was under attack.
“WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE ATTACKING EVERYTIME I HIT A POIGNANT NOTE TO GET ANSWERS IN MY LIFE!!!” Wade bitched loudly.
“We’ve been made” Weasel yelled to Al.
“Shit. I don’t wanna die” Bob yelled
Wade ran into the van and grabbed two machine guns, and a few grenades.
“Everyone take a grenade and launch when I say so” as he fired back through the windows, “Launch now. Hmmm…I got a lil leader in me! Well not ‘in me’ literally…wha – how the f—k do I know how to use all these WMDs?”
The grenades blew up in the face of the pursuing agents, as Wade gave cover fire.
“Agents do not fall back. Kill on sight. All targets are expendable…all!” the agents descended on the warehouse as their firepower was much more. Their incoming chopper was blown to pieces…apparently Wade had a rocket launcher in hand also.
“There’s the van trying to leave the back. Fire” an agent yelled
And as the van headed down the hill, bazookas blew their getaway to bits.
The agents now ran into the building for a final sweep, or to search for survivors.
“Check the burning van, search for Wilson’s remains if any” the head agent yelled.
“We were supposed to kill Wilson. Not blow his ass up…damn…we are so getting fired for this shit” yelled the agent in charge of the manhunt.
The agents then were inside the building when they saw a teddy on the floor.
“Oh shit” yelled an agent
“There was a farmer had a dog and BINGO was name-o…B I N G O…shit” Wade laughed as he pressed his hand trigger in the marshes.
BOOOMMMM!!!!!
The entire warehouse blew and all the agents fried. Wade and crew were in the stinking muddy marsh, dirty but alive. They were safe.
“Now who the fack is Agent X?” Wade slithered to Weasel and Al.
Exact Location Unknown – somewhere outside Maryland
“Agent X fed us the info where you were being held Wade. He’s got the real deal mega-meal info cuz that Laundromat was a government safehouse. This guy has legit data and secret info that would probably make him a top 10 target for arrest, man” Weasel input.
“So what the hell happened to me? How did it all come together? Us I mean?” Wade asked.
“Shut yer trap and listen” exclaimed Al with her British rogue, “ Agent X warned us what would happen if we found you, he hasn’t led us astray as yet…so let him sort us out”
As they entered the building’s door, they met face with a large vault door. A red laser scanned their eyes without them knowing and the door hissed open.
They cautiously entered, “I feel like a felon…or a pedo” whispered Wade.
The door clamped and they were in a room with several computer screens, something out of the sci-fi flicks.
A tall man sat in the main chair, as his crew of 10 workers looked on in shock at Wade’s appearance.
He sat soundly while watching Wade and co. He had no intention of getting up.
“Wade Wilson – the Deadpool himself…in the flesh…so to speak” said the man as he disgustingly stared at Wade’s appearance, “Call me Agent X”
“Call me Agent Sex” Wade quipped as he watched the comely lass with her sexy glasses over the room.
“Still the joker” Agent X added
“Listen X…you helped us find Wade…but his mind…his memories are gone” Weasel added.
“And what little sanity that’s left in his small mind has gone too” Al added with a chuckle
Bob was silent, and nervous like hell.
“Wade, you were recipient of the Weapon X-mindwipe, a procedure that alters the minds of operatives in the Weapon X or XI programmes, altering their minds to change agents into mindless, stone cold killing machines…answering orders alone and not thinking for themselves” X said.
“Shit…since I was small all I ever wanted was a lil RESPECT…” and Wade sang the song. He realised the severity of the situation and asked,
“How come even though I forgot shit, I aint that drone they wanted me to be?”
“Cuz of your healing factor” X replied.
“WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT WILLIS?” Wilson added
“You want your memories back first kid? Trust me and let’s make this happen”
Wade turned to Weasel and Al, and their eyes approved…“be gentle” he quipped
Wade was naked on the surgery table with a cloth over his junk. His entire body was disgusting to look at…the attendees knew this. His head had attached to them several cold cords and the wiring was hooked up to machines.
“Now relax kid. This will hurt lots!” X announced
“Ladies..umm…it’s cold on this table so any shrinkage ain’t usually me” but before he could react, Wade’s mind went blank and his mouth numb.
Electro-therapy began as his mind was shocked. The scientists adjusted and made alterations to their gadgets, and Wade suddenly began dreaming. It was his mind, rebuilding lost memories…like a picture show.
Wade was in a cowboy hat and a thong, on a wooden horse…entered the cinema, with no one in it…sat in the recliner, with popcorn and drink…and watched the show.
He turned to the screen “So this is how you guys are feeling right now?” breaking the 4th wall again.
Wade remembered Stryker and Sabretooth putting him down. He was a lab-rat for nearly a year, experimented upon, needles and pins, shocked…bathed in electrolytes and God knows what else. He remembered seeing other men, vaguely, looking like copies of himself, in surge tanks, Wade recalled everything now. They were cloning him. He was constantly tired and could not escape as Stryker’s men tended to him. He remembers his sobriquet – Deadpool. He was spliced and diced. But he remembered the Island complex exploding, the reactor falling, everyone running for their lives. Wade saw rubble, amidst his memories of his past indiscretions with Stryker’s team – Blob, Maverick etc. He saw the old team again plus faces of the ones he killed in cold blood. He switched back to the Island, flames, rubble, ash…and he saw Logan escaping, a young man with a staff and long hair too, and a young lady dead on the ground with an angel face…Wade recalled. The horror was too much when he found none other than his clone – a corpse of himself, holding his head.
“Who the hell are you?” he asked as this clone was bald and vile, “oh that’s me!”
He quickly grabbed the head and body and threw it in a flame that burnt under a door. The body was trapped and he made sure his clone was cremated. Wade quickly escaped – somehow he was healed and able to make a break for it.
A couple months after, he found Weasel, a computer genius who helped Wade with e-funds, fraud, weapons acquisitions, heists etc. Weasel was a genius but dropped out high school after prom night, when he lost his virginity to his cousin, who told all the family as well as the whole school. He turned to drugs, got clean, then used his brain for one thing only – a life of crime – and he found solace in the woman, the mother, who got him off drugs and into crime, Blind Al. They ran the show in Washington. Al was Brit and crazy…even claimed to have scored with Steve Rogers. No one knew if she was a prostitute, or an ex-military lass, heck she could have been Black Widow for all they knew. She was Weasel’s new mom…and when Wade came to town, he saved them from a mob gang that deduced their identity…and killed em all. And soon after, Wade joined the family, and christened himself Deadpool – red, black ninja getup with a red mask, black over the eyes – said he wanted to look like the ninja Pet-Stroke from his childhood comics. The mother and 2 sons – mercs for hire – cuz with an assassin op like Deadpool, Al knew that bank and ATM heists were small runs, now they could go after corrupt bosses, judges, officials, politicians, priests etc…it didn’t matter whether targets were good or evil…as long as the client paid well!
He was skilled with his 2 katanas, guns – small/big, ninja stars…and bombs/ explosives/ grenades. He was a 1-man army walking and they made several hits and kills. Deadpool and co. were living it up, mission after mission, like good ole days.
But it was the mission 6 months ago that messed up…a hit on a Senator Loeb from Seattle turned bad. Deadpool waited for the strippers to entertain the entourage, then hijacked a waiter’s costume, pretended to deliver drinks…before donning the mask and opening fire on all the people. The room was smoky when all cleared. Mission was done, money was in the bank. But the strippers had already been warned to get out when Deadpool assaulted the crew. One came back. Long legs, blonde, a clone of Stacy Keibler! She dropped all clothing and…
“SCHWING!!!” Wade yelped.
As he undressed his apparel and ammo,
“If I don’t last 2 mins, it’s cuz I’m stressed and tired from these killings” but before he could get his pants off…she shot him with tranqs in the neck and abdomen. He remembered falling unconscious.
“That’s the last thing I remembered – the botched mission!” Wade after recovering told X, “Then my team came for me”
“Sure we did…how else we supposed to make cash if we are a merc team with no merc” Al shot with a smile
“Wade – listen up – and listen good – I was part of Stryker’s outside forces…rounding up mutants…we rounded up several…I tried to hide one though…my girlfriend…changed her name too…to Emma Frost…but she and her sis were taken…and when Stryker found out I tried to betray him, he tried to have me killed. But I survived my house exploding; after all we Weapon X folks were trained by the best. Agent X - I called myself, I was that efficient at my job. But I lost everything, I lost my life…and Emma. I set up caterpillars inside Stryker’s programmes afterwards. The government took him, found him walking a marathon after the Island burnt, but what they did with him, we’re not sure kid. On the island, Stryker’s scientists found a latent mutant gene within you Wade, a healing factor, but your make-up was unique, your DNA could have other mutant DNA spliced with it. Hence why combinant DNA procedures were used to make the Deadpool. But Stryker knew that he could not afford to lose the unique Wade Wilson, so he was scared the Deadpool project went awry, that he cloned you Wade. A series of clones were made, and to enhance their makeup to be as close to yours as possible, you underwent initial gamma pre-treatment; Radiation therapy Wade. This aided making clones of you. 3 clones failed and were discarded; the 4th was ideal; and all the mutant DNA they wished was added to him. Look at him on this screen. I believe you found and killed this clone. Wolverine and Sabretooth fought him, cut his head off, and he still managed to survive – teleport skills, eye lasers, blades in his arm…the full kit!”
“So strong was the healing factor” Weasel added
“Well that…plus a specific other DNA was added to Wade before the clones were being made…to enhance his resistance…the healing factor of Wolverine aka Logan. Wade gained a super-healing factor, but the clones could never match this, no matter how much you were radiated and treated. You are the prime Deadpool, the alpha subject. But Stryker did not dose you with any other DNA besides Wolvie as he did not want to risk harming or tainting you adversely – he left that for the clones. When the Island came down, you escaped Wade, all clones and potentials and the cloning tech destroyed, and you fully adopted the Deadpool persona, but Stryker did not forget you. Apparently, he has gone rogue, my intel has told me that the government is up in arms at his escape now, and he has a rogue faction with him, conducting experiments like the good ole days, he has faith and masses of followers, like a purified reverend! Who do you think hired you for the botched Senator mission? The senator was anti-Stryker so he killed 2 birds with one stripper. He set you up, reeled you in and nabbed you that night Deadpool. Your moniker is his – he will not let you go easily, not like he did Logan. When they got you that night at the hotel Wade, Weapon X scientists ran a second set of experiments on you, but things did not go to plan Wade. They were desperately trying to copy your super-healing factor, 10 times that of Logan’s, but they found that you had cancer from the first set of radiations of the Island. Ironic huh? In adding extra healing, you got cancer. It was your body and immune system’s way of accepting the excess healing factor, by permanently deforming some cells that they could not repair…a sort of give and take. They managed to alter your structure and genetic makeup to alleviate and eventually remove the cancer, as it tainted their canvas. But in curing your cancer, your healing factor permanently scarred you, and will not heal your appearance - inside the cancer is gone, but the permanent price you paid lies on your face and skin. You Deadpool, are the ultimate killer now, ugly on the outside, uglier on the inside. It took me months to track your whereabouts down, after they got rid of the cancer and scarred you, they kept you hidden, so that your team wouldn’t find you…but I was able to locate you after these few months kid. You see, they want you…they put too much risk and reward into you Wade. Weapon X was lost but you are their golden goose egg. I contacted Weasel and Al so that we could work in tandem to free you. And before you ask why, know the answer is simple Wade. You are the means to make them pay. I have never took a dime from Weasel and Al cuz I made a simple deal with em. I help get you back, then we go after Stryker and his team, kill them all…for torturing and making you a lab rat, and for destroying my life and my love, and then after our revenge, we go our separate ways. I take my men to other missions, you and your folks go back to making the cash. Either way we both win cuz we know if we don’t kill em…they will never stop coming for you. They must pay Wade!”
“Wow you rehearsed that speech?...a lil bitta Deniro and Puh-cino in the mix?” Wade sniped.
“So what ya say Wade?” Weasel inquired.
He looked at Al and sighed, “Sure thing kids. Let’s gut some f—kers…but in a pg-13 kinda way”
3 hours later –
“Alright kids first things first – we gut this cell, all of em, then we head back to OUR base – Deapool’s base…then we see where he head from there…no offence Agent X – who won’t tell us his real name?” Deadpool added.
“No problem” Agent X insisted, “As long as our agendas are the same”
“So who’s the first target?” Weasel asked
“Umm..think I’ll sit this one out” Bob added
“I don’t trust you and we don’t know your story yet so Al will take you to our base for some good cop- bad cop” Deadpool inserted.
“Our first kill is the Stryker splinter-cell BLACK SWAN. They have the remaining modules regarding the radiation and cloning procedures used by Weapon X and subsequent programs. We need them eliminated before they do more harm…they are rounding up more and more of…well the politically correct term is mutants I believe. We freed their captives en route to the prison last month but this is the base we have to hit and destroy” X notified.
“Load and Lock” Deadpool yelled.
“Don’t forget this shit. Gotta keep the beautiful face safe and sound” Weasel jeered as he tossed Deadpool a cloth.
Deadpool smiled…and put on his mask.
Under an hour after (BLACK SWAN OP-HOUSE) –
“Got it linked Weasel. Hmm..momma always told me I’d be a good Air-condition repair guy” joked Deadpool
“Well you ain’t repairing this one” Weasel chimed
“Yeps haha-hoo” laughed Deadpool
Deadpool slid down a vent, and ambushed two guards. He had to ensure the target would be in sight.
“There’s the guy Wease” he whispered into his earpiece
“Calculating time you have left…okay the guards are gonna be concentrating on the left-wing corridor, I hacked the elec system so the trip there should set off a silent alarm – not a serious one but one they can’t ignore…and now…I’m jamming radio frequencies…no more than 10 mins so go now!” said Weasel as he was parked in an ice-cream truck 20 feet away from the house.
“Heads and erections up boys!” as Deadpool jumped onto the crew. The target was surrounded by 5 guards, and Wade engaged them.
They shot at him but he didn’t fall, despite his pain. “That hurt bitches!”
Deadpool grabbed his katanas and immediately dealt swift blows to the first guard, severing his arms, “hope you got a good severance package!”
The 2nd guard ran up but received the katanas through his eyes. Deadpool then pulled his handguns out and shot up the 3rd, but the 4th stabbed him in his eye and Deadpool stumbled to the floor.
“What the hell are you doing” the target yelled to Wade.
“Ummm…bleeding profusely at the moment” Wade quipped as he stumbled in a semi-circle goading the guard to his left.
Wade stopped.
“What is this?...a dance you practising?” the soldier asked as his hands dripped of Wade’s blood
“I’m trying to get you in line” Wade replied
“In line…for what?” the confused soldier asked
PTHWWWWWW!!!
The guard dropped to the ground with his head bleeding, as Wade set an auto-sniper rifle at the top floor earlier when he descended the vent,
His eye healed and he looked at the target, Nijo Minamiyori, he was Japanese.
“You are the Deadpool! Hehehe I have wanted to cast my own eyes on you for a while now! Our work here with cloning seemed to suit you well creature”
“I am the original..err…the Highlander!” Wade joked, “there can be only one and I’m here to kill you!”
The man stared at Deadpool’s mask, and Nijo, with his black shades on, dark grey trenchcoat, bald head, and small frame, bowed to show Deadpool the X carved into his head, before pulling a knife from his trenchcoat and rushing Wade. Wade hadn’t recollected his katanas and he was ambushed by the quickness, sharpness and martial arts expertise of Nijo. Nijo was 10 times faster and gutted Wade, to the floor.
“Fool. Do you know why this cell was called the BLACK SWAN? Because it was run by my German predecessor, Josef Kreig, whom I killed, with my bare hands, after I found him. He named it so as he was in charge of mind-control and manipulation methods, and even telepathic techniques and mindwiping. But Josef stole cloning and radiation technology and science from my father’s co-operation, Four Winds, of Japan, and brought it to this program. He stole our hearts, and my father died of sorrow. Josef named it BLACK SWAN, after his childhood football team, but used my father’s cloning research, which culminated with you at the Island fool! But 3 years ago, Josef was replaced as head of BLACK SWAN, replaced by the man who killed him, who took his head off, ME! I came here and rightfully took my place at the head of this cell, as it was my father’s work to be passed to me…and your government readily granted me leadership so that they can work in collaboration with Four Winds. Such is the level of corruption within your America. An outsider, gaijin, is treated with reverence. I spit on you and your flag Wade!”
About 300 guards then emerged after the melee, and ran over to surround Wade and protect Nijo.
“Well that’s great but villains shouldn’t rant and rave cuz it’s boring…now excuse me cuz I gotta leave…more of you Weapon XXX people to kill!”
“Haha – how can you leave when we have you surrounded and beaten fool?” Nijo remarked
“Cuz before I raided here, I slipped a chlorine-cyanide toxin in the main air-duct for this facility, and been poisoning all you guys without you knowin it for the last few minutes…” and suddenly a BEEP-BEEP-BEEP went off, “Time’s up!” and Wade wobbled out.
Everyone hit the floor as thuds sounded loudly. Wade looked back to see Nijo’s eyes roll back and blood emerge from them.
“Thank God I am immortal…Wade Wilson of the Clan MacLeod!” he quipped as he stumbled.
“The entire facility’s poisoned?” he asked Weasel in the car.
“Yep. Life chart’s zero. No readings. Even the rats and cats are dead.”
“Well…you wanna press the trigger and set off the charges??”
Weasel grabbed it, smiled and pressed down the red-button.
BOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!
“So this is what being Wade feels like?” he smiled
Deadpool grimaced, “Minus erectile dysfunction, that’s what it feels like!”
Bijou’s arcade – secret base of Deadpool and co. = CODNAME: JENNA JAMESON
“Damn…an eye healing back stings like a mo-fo!” Wade yelled as he pulled off his mask, “Al, where’s the other masks I stitched?”
“Over by the Playboys!” she responded.
“Sooo…now BOB…just who da f—k are ya and how tha hell you ended up next to Wade in jail?” Weasel sat down with.
“Hey that’s my line” shouted Wade
“Jeez…you guys never gonna believe me…but this world of spies and mercs and guns and shit exploding and secret organisations…I aint never been part of this…I was friggin framed. My name’s Robert Slade. I’m a friggin accountant for STARK enterprises. Well I was…till I got fired for trying to smuggle funds…well when your wife who is 10 years younger than you sleeps with the pool boy, cleans your account, makes it look like you are a druggie and adulterer, well you hit rock bottom. So I got the boot, and went on the run cuz the heat came on me. Turns out I met a lady, online…”
“Ooohh cybersex!” Wade interrupted
“No jackass…she promised me a new identity if I could help her sneak some funds from someone…and well she blew up my wife and the pool boy in my old convertible…so I agreed to work with her…called her SB…that’s her alias. Don’t ask how she found me but I even hired hackers to track her down…she doesn’t wanna be found. Maybe you can try Weasel?”
“When last you contact her?” Weasel input
“Not since 6 months ago! She just gave me the big mission…and well I got busted!”
Weasel began fiddling on his laptop.
“She had me try to steal funds from some agency…well I tried and succeeded…I got money from some guy…Baron something…some bazillionaire…”
“And it seemed as if this firm run paid me legit. Mistake was that the money went to me, Bob, and not the decoy account we had set up. Turns out SB tricked me and double-crossed me stiffly. She had the money sent to Robert Slade, making it look like this dude paid me off. What f—ked up worse was that my PC went down and was loaded with stuff that I couldn’t prevent. Within 10 mins agents busted the motel and locked my ass up…raided me and took everything…”
“Shit…I just hacked into some old Weapon X files, and sprung your record, jeez man…when you gave info on the funds stealing - that set me off on the right path…the name Robert Slade ain’t listed in your record…cuz they don’t believe it’s your real name…dude you’re a John Doe. Says here that your PC was found to have incriminating evidence…linking you as a terrorist man…WMDs, chemical warefare, weapons purchasing, slave trading, everything Satan does…damn…and your funds have been paid by…damn the company SB had you steal from is a weapons and terrorist front…dude…the only name coming up as your backer is VON STRUCKER…and your official alias is…BOB: AGENT OF HYDRA!”
“SB framed me…that bitch…if she is a she…she may be a man…but I’m a terrorist? I thought it was bad enough that I was a fraud and thief…but what’s a HYDRA?”
“That I can’t get into…those files along with VON STRUCKER and his/her info…aren’t on the Weapon X database! All I know is you a fall-guy!”
“That’s what’s best…hiding behind each other...SB hid behind me while I f—ked up my life!” Bob wept
“Why would SB frame you?” Deadpool asked
“And why does the timing of both your imprisonments coincide? Next to each other?....sum’s wrong here” Al added.
“This coincidence aint too settling” Deadpool added
“Well he aint a narc cuz if he was…they risked several attempts on his life when he was with us…so we know Bob’s expendable. Plus they got all the data off his PC already. He stands to gain nothing by betraying us…especially as his file had him listed as sentenced to death for treason!” Weasel formally announced.
“Bob’s clean – he ain’t one of Stryker’s men” Agent X confirmed a few minutes later, “and Weasel I underestimated how much of Weapon X and co. you hacked into. Did you find anything wrong with my secret unit when you swept us?”
“Of course I swept your team. You think I’d trust you? This aint the fackin notebook pops…the only people I trust are Wade and Al. Turns out you were clean…hence why I worked with you people…we have the same enemy” Weasel bellowed
“Word” muttered Wade.
“So’s we all is one big happy family” accentuated Al
“Seems so” Bob sighed, “I’m a gallows-kid…sentenced to hang probably…cuz I terrorised America. I just wanted that bitch to pay you know!”
“This family fiasco has to end cuz we have the main target Wade” Agent X added
Wade got off the pool table and ran around the arcade games, “Whoop-de-doo. What all that shit mean X?”
“We hit Black Swan…so who next?” Al chimed
“Well we have 6 remaining targets left. All members, high in rank, controlling the Weapon X and subset programs. It seems they had ties to a PROJECT PEGASUS in the past and all these heads are top US Government Officials and Army affiliates…these targets are the men who are supposed to be in charge of saving our lives and all America. Instead they are in secret circles, commanding programs and experiments, to make people and mutants WMDs. They wanna turn men into weapons. America isn’t an army of one but these men fail to see that people count for something. Their lives are considered moot but we have the chance to eradicate these men. Of the 6 targets, they have been split into different paths and units. 5 of them are grouped within a subset whose identity we are ascertaining but this will take longer than we expected. However, we have the big fish outta this bunch. The head of Cremation-X, Alexander Hayden. Weasel you have stolen our files on him by now I’m sure. This is the guy who took over the mindwipe and telepathic and memory-altering projects from BLACK SWAN. All neuro-projects, including mind control, now fall under Hayden’s unit, Cremation-X. They are Stryker’s fave. His boy band – we see they have scouted teleporters in Europe…a Kurt Wagner is one of em. They are scouring Asia as well. It seems that they are hot on the trail of Wolverine, as they need him to re-alter his memory following his last encounter with Stryker. This unit is key to Stryker’s plans…only you have the skills to demolish them…and if we take this foot out, his table will fall. Deadpool, this is the chance to hit hard…your team will be paid courtesy of us 10 million US if we finish the job…after all kid, you got bills just like me. I’m giddy as your prom date cuz now we got the kill-shot!”
“Don’t mention prom dates, reminds me of my bastard cousin…slutty whore..” interjected Weasel.
“Well we took out the clone war section, now we hit the brainiac section” Wade mentioned.
“Then we go after the Famous Five on the list…which could lead you to Stryker?” Weasel asked.
“Elementary Mary Jane Watson” Deadpool broke the 4th wall again and winked at the camera, “These remaining 5 could take us to Stryker but if Agent X and you guys think we gotta kill Cremation-X…then let’s do it!”
“Wilson, gear up, this is gonna be the toughest mission yet…we head to Venice, Italy!” Agent X added.
“Any nude beaches?” Deadpool asked
Venice, Italy –
Al was over the radio “You guys be careful. Wade…you too…you still owe me for that blowj..”
“Shaddup” Deadpool yelped, “not over the radio!”
“Weasel you guys set?” Bob asked
“You set Bob?”
“Umm..why not…it’s a suicide mission and I have nun to live for…and oh yeah..i’m wanted by the govt so what the heck…I’m luvin bein part of the merc team!”
“Bob is such a wuss!” Deadpool rang
“Touche – a wuss with a voice box” said Weasel.
“We have cut off all alarms and there is no communications Wilson. Their Satellites are down. We have done our part. You guys see the mansion. The lab is below. You boy scouts know the drill. 100 men in the building guys. It’s do or die!” Agent X added, “we hafta get off this frequency before the Weapon X agency recognizes that we played a part in this. Our moles and informants are out safely, so we have nothing to lose Deadpool. Agent X out”
“Get rich or lie trying!” Deadpool whistled at Weasel as he crouched up in the tree outside the mansion. Al was lying outside the mission zone with a sunglasses on, despite it being 6pm. She was rocking from side to side as if she lay in a hammock. “Do yuh best guys. Al out!” she radioed once more.
“Weasel cut the power now!” Wade whispered.
ZOOOMMMMMMMMM.
The alarms suddenly blared.
“Just like I suspected. An isolated power source. That’s good to know now bitches!” Wilson muttered.
“Agent X couldn’t confirm this power source with us so good thing we planned for this. They think they’ll have the upper hand on us now though” Weasel whispered
“Good. That lil power outage gave me the window to move in. I’m already in the west wing” Wade added.
“Guards are scattering around and about left, right and centre…we gotta move fast bro” Weasel added.
“Bob you okay chum?” Wade asked
“Fine I guess” was all they heard.
“Kay guys, I’m hiding in the female washroom…wish I had a female here too!” Deadpool soflty added
“You know it” Weasel added, “By the way Deadpool – I think you been made”
“All agents – all agents – Intruder alert. Washroom – Female – Room 219 – ALPHA Zenit squad on it. Backup requested!” yelled an agent, who wore his hemlet, with the yellow X, on it. He was his squad’s leader. The other soldiers wore white X’s and quickly responded to the calls of their leader. They engaged the room, and began blasting. A smoke grenade, then a fire bomb graced the room. The washroom was on fire. The agents searched and searched and found a burnt Deadpool dummy.
“What the f..” the leader yelled
“Agent 52..what now?” a guard asked the leader.
“Come in. Agent 52 here. All hands on deck. The washroom was a decoy. We are leaving the EAST wing now” the leader added
“Sir the target’s on the move. From the west wing to the control room…shit no…he’s headed to the safe room!”
“No worries gentlemen. The control room is up…we have auxiliary power on-board, this secondary system is online…and running so there’s no way he can get into the safe room. Our chief is safe and secure in that room. Once our backup power supply is running well, nothing can go wrong!”
“Good. Don’t let him get away” said Agent 52, “Obviously he thinks he can get our chief in the safe room…little does he know we’ll be waiting for him!”
Agent 52 took 2 other agents and headed through a secret passageway, “Agent 34 take Blue-Top Z unit and head through the main passage and engage him – he must be skilled to have made it this far. That should be 30 men in total versus his ass. Leave piece of him for me!”
“Yes sir” Agent 34 yelled as he took the men out, “30 vs 1…what the hell’s 52 think…we can’t handle one man?” and as they entered the elevator.
Deadpool stood in a pool of blood and gore…”well that’s 10 men down…more to go!”
As the 30 agents ran through the corridor, Agent 34 yelled, “Take him out!”
But before they got within 30 feet of Deadpool, 34 tripped a wire…”Oh damn shit!”
The entire corridor was booby trapped and all agents were blown apart.
The other agents were running in, but could not get past the rubble. Deadpool boxed himself in. The roof had come down. The blocks and cement obstruction was too much. Deadpool now ran to face the control room…behind this room was the safe room. As all the other agents gathered in the house and began plotting other courses through to reach the control room, there was a loud beep.
ZOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
“EMP activated!” Weasel snarled softly as he slurped on a Coke, “Bet they didn’t see that coming!”
The mansion went black, all the power was gone now…the backup source burnt out…all electronic devices within a 1 mile radius was out.
Weasel had no more contact with Deadpool, but he silently came out the car, and took out a brick.
“Old tricks die hard like Bruce Willis” Deadpool whispered as he set the C4 charges on the control room door. Agents were unconscious all over the building…almost all were lying poisoned on the ground – the same chlorine-cyanide method in the AC unit was used…silent but surely deadly!
As the control room door blew open, Deadpool entered only to receive 2 shots to the chest.
“You sup to be dead” he yelled as he bled
“Well…buddy…we came in on the new control room shift…unlike the ground force who are permanent 24 hour shifts…we swap with another shift of 5 guys every half-day…so we didn’t breath in all the same poison as everyone else…we got a lil bit a juice still left in us!”
“Well the other shift’s dead since last night…and you’ll be in about 10 seconds!” Wade spat out
“Huh? Didn’t you hear us kid…we weren’t exposed that long to the air!”
“Yeah…but you were exposed to the water…which was used to make coffee there…not so?” as Wade eyed the coffee maker, “and the water was poisoned with small amount of gramoxone, a weedicide! So time should be up now”
They shot Wade a few times more but they were all in the latter stages of passing out…Wade healed up after a 10 minutes and then kicked up all their corpses.
He walked over slowly to the backroom door – “I can’t stand another gunshot…”
Deadpool opened the door to the safe room – he had somehow gotten the access code, and walked in the find 2 agents dead on the floor…with Agent 52 stumbling, and the chief…his target on bended knees gasping for breath.
“Well chief…looks like you due for the Grim Reaper!” Wade snarled
“You son-of-a-bitch!” said the chief, “Cremation-X will live on…no matter if I am dead!”
“I still have fight left you hippie ninja freak” slurred Agent 52
“And I have my strapped chest bomb…suicide fool…we all go out in a blaze!” said the chief.
“Sorry Alexander Hayden. Wrong Answer!” Deadpool jerked
“Who – what – me? Alexander Hayden?...haha fool…Alexander Hayden’s been dead for years now…I am…”
“Yadda Yadda Yadda” Deadpool joked, “Your time is up…you are the weakest link goodbye!”
“Before you pull a trigger on me…I’d press my own and blow us all to kingdom come Deadpool!”
“Well…umm…you wonder how is it I knew about your power sources, how is it I poisoned your water and air supply, wonder how is it I knew to bring an EMP with me, how I set up the dummy in the wrong side of the building, how I booby trapped this place inside out, how I got the access code to this room? Cuz I…didn’t do all that buddy. GET HIGH, GET STUPID…GET AID!”
Boom!
Agent 52 shot the chief through his head, brains to the ground.
“Ninja freak?” Deadpool remarked
Agent 52 pulled of his helmet, “Well I had to play up the part didn’t I, besides I was here for the past 3 days pretending, this voice box strapped to my throat killed me…gosh 52 sounded so gay! Thank god I can use my own voice again” said Bob as he began taking off the agent’s gear!
“Well you did a heck of an acting job Oscar-Bob! Threw everyone off. They were all so into killing me that they didn’t realise we had one mole…the biggest one…lurking within! Very James Bondage of you!”
“Now let’s blow this joint” nervously Bob remarked, “before some kinda backup comes!”
Weasel’s van slowly rolled down the hill, fully strapped with explosives, then with the brick pressing down on it…accelerated and ran straight into the side fence…
BOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM
“That’s enough C4 to level a city block” said Weasel as they watched the mansion go up in flames.
“The underground lab won’t withstand that blast…everything and everyone is char!” Bob added
“Hell yea” said Deadpool as he watched the flames. He wouldn’t take off his mask for anything.
“Row f**kers!” yelled Al with her shades on. They were in a small boat, no engine, and paddled away from the burning mansion via the Lake at the back of the mansion. They were 500 feet away and smiling. They had another kill down…and another member inducted…BOB: AGENT OF HYDRA!
Agent X’s facility -
“So…they still think Agent X is their ally?”
“Well…that was the plan wasn’t it? To use them as we see fit…trick them and have them do our dirty work…tie up loose ends” said Agent X.
The voice on the monitor cleared…as did the image.
It was WILLIAM STRYKER
“This line is secure Mr. Hayden?” asked Stryker
“Of course sir!” replied Agent X…or as his real name stated…ALEXANDER HAYDEN.
“When Wade escaped the Island…and I was confined…I thought it was over. I lost Logan and all my weapons…all my people. The government took me in, blistered feet and all…they wanted me to hang for my crimes…but alas, PROJECT PEGASUS had enough weight still in Congress to give me pardon and the means for my new crusade…and the means to make amends…my past mistakes must be corrected Alexander! Our plan has worked brilliantly…a beautiful game indeed. The 2 major thorns in my side, the incriminating pieces of my past work, BLACK SWAN and Cremation-X, are now void. These were the footstones of Weapon X. The heads, Nijo – the real Agent X, and the Chief of Cremation-X, the men who were prepared to sell me down the river and betray me, are all dead. They still thought I was a non-factor, probably rotting away in a government cell, but had they known I had gotten free – they would have expected reprisal. Hence why I’ve stayed under the radar…in the shadows…as if the govt were hiding me away to rot. Also by staying in the shadows I have been making my next move…advancing my army!” Stryker speeched
“I always knew…never assumed…that your plan would bear fruition…after all you trained me well. I have full faith in you Sir. The trust and coordination you placed in my team and me, us here at Agency X, we are in your debt. We are concerned with national security and that alone. Setting up the Deadpool kidnapping at the hotel was a process that took time but was well thought out, then sticking that traitorous HYDRA bastard Bob, who thinks he’s fooling us with his lies about his allegiance, with Wilson was ingenious. It threw off any suspicion from us here onto Bob. And of course they all kept their sight on killing Stryker and his men haha. Deadpool and his team were so lacking of insight and so short-sighted that they couldn’t see they were being played. The rescue and help we gave to recover Wade was amazing. Weasel still thinks all the fodder info he hacked from us here told him the whole story. Little did he know we were feeding him the truths and evils we wanted them to believe? So naïve. They played right into our waiting hands, and their dim-witted nature was driven by revenge and topped-off by the money we sent them. Fools! After playing us off as Agent X and co, seeking revenge for murders and betrayals and lost loves, I mean come on – Emma Frost? Is this Snow White’s sis?”
“Well that’s her nickname now that she’s with the Xavier institute. Her sister’s death has struck hard…I believe I’ll be seeing a lot of Xavier and co. soon” laughed Stryker
“Well either way…I duped them into working for us…and they didn’t even know they were helping Stryker out Sir. After we gained their trust it was just a matter of time, and they did the work that would have been so hard for us to do without getting made – killing Nijo and Chief. BLACK SWAN and Cremation-X died with them. Now all that is left is getting rid of the Famous Five.”
“They are fools. They think that by joining that organisation of science that they would be kept safe…from SHIELD? HYDRA? FROM ME?...they are the final loose threads that I need to be rid of. After those 5 are gone, Weapon X and all ensuing tie-in programs and affiliates will be mine and mine alone. How nice of them to join the same organisation and make it easier for me to nick them. And with my merc team on the job…well the trace cannot be linked to me! You have sent the affiliated group and location of the Famous 5 to Deadpool and co?” Stryker quizzed
“Yes Sir, it has been done” replied Alexander
“And this line is secure and untapped?” asked Stryker
“Yes Sir. My team and I are here at your disposal…ready to continue action with Wade and his team”
“Well they have received their payment so they’ll ask no questions. Revenge is a dish best served with a stack of millions. But there is one more end I need to tie up…one more team that knows too much and needs to be silenced for good…they are a huge risk I can’t take”
“Who’s that Sir. I can arrange for the hit?” Alexander eagerly asked
“It’s you Son!”
BOOMMMMMMMMM
Agency X and all in it were blown up in flames!
“Price we pay in war soldier!” Stryker echoed, “Rest in piece!”
Epilogue –
“Holy shit dude!” The place is all gone. Everyone’s gotta be dead!” Wade quipped
“Whad happened?” Bob asked
“Well we got our millions…as well as info from Agent X. 2 files in fact. We best head back to base kids cuz I think we gotta split from Washington!” Weasel added.
“What? I spent so much time inside JENNA JAMESON…now you telling me I hafta pull out? I hate pulling out!” yelled Wade
After packing up and leaving the Deadpool base JENNA JAMESON-
“So what’s the 9 1 1?” asked Al
“Well did I mention we’re millionaires? Oh I did!” said Weasel
“Yay” slammed Wade
Weasel continued, “the second file X sent said that Stryker’s out for sure…rumour has it that he’s in Canada…has a team that began tracking Agent X and them and found their hideaway…so they had to blow that joint literally. All files and links to us are non-existent…so we’re safe for now but it was best to make sure and safe, that we leave Bijou’s arcade behind…besides we were gonna be on the move in any case!”
“Why so?” asked Al
“Cuz X gave us the target for the Famous 5 didn’t he?” Wade asked
“Yep. It’s in the first file. Seems that these 5 guys, well, since Stryker’s on the loose, cooped up with a group A.I.M. Advanced Idea Mechanics! Looks like they’re hiding within this buncha smarties who I might add are pretty secretive and hard to get to…a good place for them to stew. There isn’t much info on AIM but Agent X said as soon as they’re located at their new base, he’d liaise with us and set us on path with the info we need…but we do have an address for the AIM head table, where our targets are hiding!” Weasel quirked
“It’s on like Donkey Kong…where to buddies?”
“The Caribbean!” Weasel smirked
****
Stryker and his team are packing up, recovering stuff from Alkali Lake, and heading away.
“Sir, we have the news you wanted” an agent notified
“One second son. Yes, keep searching for Logan. We have hints and ideas but we need something substantial I tell you. Yes a team has been deployed to Germany already for the teleporter. I sent some church-thumpers too just in case. We need that circus freak alive so the team has been instructed to be extra careful. Also, a hit-squad has been sent to New Orleans, rumour has it our card-dealing staff toting pretty boy is showing up at poker tables. Seems that my absence has people unafraid but all that’s gonna change now! My plans are moving ahead like clockwork agent! My army is looking on the up…and results are bearing oh-the sweetest fruit! Await further instructions agent. Stryker out! – yes you were saying?”
“We need you at District MM sir – the Mastermind project, we have news regarding Jason. Sir, it’s working.”
“Is that so?...my dear boy indeed!” Stryker smiled evilly as he and the agent boarded the chopper!
****
Bob went to pee as Deadpool and co. sat in the van eating waffles.
He could hear cursing and laughter…bustling.
“God what am I doing?” he smiled at his reflection in the puddle his urine made.
Suddenly he heard a phone ring. He saw a cell vibrating and lighting, but the ringtone was shocking –
“Pick up Bob” it repeated
His hands were shaking…he slowly walked over…but the phone automatically answered itself…
“Nice going Bob. Didn’t think you would survive…but you did…what a gamble!”
He did not recognize the voice but saw a name on the com-link. It was SB. He ran over and grabbed the phone. It was a com-device, not a cellphone and he saw a blurred image of a woman in it.
“SB...you bitch…you set me up!”
“Well I had to. After all, BOB: AGENT OF HYDRA has a nice ring to it, not so?”
“I’m calling in my team for your ass!”
“You’ll do no such thing…cuz I needed someone in with Deadpool!”
“What…you know him?”
“Of course. It was a calculated risk when I framed you and set in place for you to be his roomie. I didn’t think you’d survive this but lo and behold you did. You proved your worth…and now it’s time to take it another level up.”
“Why would I help you SB bitch?”
“Keep you mouth shut cuz you’re gonna be my spy within Deadpool’s team! Else you’ll never see your wife again!”
“What? She’s dead!”
“No she isn’t”
“You killed her for me…and even if she is alive, why’d I wanna see her face…after all she did to me?”
“Well asshole…all those things she did…cheating, ripping you off, sending you clinically depressed …I made her do it…forced her to…or else I would have killed both of you and all your families…she did it cuz I made her…cuz she loved you and I promised her if she did what I said…that no harm would befall you – that you would just move on without her in your life. Imagine her surprise when I double crossed her…hmph…she was almost as shocked as you are now!”
“You’re lying”
“Am I bitch? Your wife was forced to do those things to you Bob…and she still loves you. I know cuz I have her right next to me with my gun pointed down her throat…and if you ever wanna see her alive, hug, kiss or screw her again…you’re now gonna do exactly what I say, Comprende Amigo?”
“Allison – is that you?” Bob wept as the com-screen cleared and showed her with a gun in her mouth…
“Baby I love…” but Allison got smacked in her nose with the gun.
“Like I said…you do what I say and she lives”
“Allie – I love you…I’m gonna get you back..i promise…swear!”
The screen went blurry again.
“So you gonna listen to SB now Bob”
“Yes ma’am!” he whispered
“Not Ma’am. I aint old bitch. Call me Sandi…Sandi Brandenberg…your new best friend!”
We jump to Wade eating pancakes and stuffing his face in the can, and he turns to break the 4th wall,
“BOB IS SOOOOO SCREWED AINT HE?”
Deadpool smiles and winks at us!!
END!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool
Jason Lee – Bob
Seth Green – Weasel
Emma Thompson – Blind Al
Barry Pepper – Agent X/ Alexander Hayden
Stan Lee- Senator Loeb
Stacy Keibler – stripper
The cast of Wolverine: Origins all return – Stryker, Wolvie, Gambit, Sabretooth etc
Chow Yun Fat – Nijo
Joseph Fiennes – Chief
Jamie King – Allison
Brooke Langton – Sandi Brandenberg