"Nolanized."
But fears that the film would be uncharacteristically cynical and edgy still weren't the main cause of the headaches. Rumors began to swirl that the studio wasn't very happy with what Trank was filming. Whispers leaked out that those involved with the production didn't have much faith in their director--that he didn't know what he was doing. Reports of last minute reshoots and of Kinberg not wanting to work with Trank on Star Wars had galvanized the internet's collective imagination to run wild. Those who never wanted this to succeed to begin with smiled...and those that were cautiously optimistic grew despondent. Everyone began to look at other films. When the topic of Fox came up, the fans focused instead on X-Men and Deadpool. Only bringing up Fantastic Four sardonically.
And now here we are. The trailers have come out, but despite convincing the despondent to go back to being cautiously optimistic, the vast majority have still written this film off as an abortion on its way to the trash can. And I find that sad...because I know for a fact that Fantastic Four will be the movie experience of the year. We're going to have more fun watching this than we ever did with Avengers or Ant-Man.
Sometime in December, we're going to be asked to vote on a poll. Which Film Was The Best Comic Book Movie of 2015? I can answer that right now. Each and everyone of you will vote for Fantastic Four. And I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna explain it point by point. When you've read them all--all four of them--I guarantee you'll all proceed to get up out of your seats. You'll take off all of your clothes and, while Franz Schubert's Ave Maria plays in your head, you'll walk over to that girl you've always had a crush on, but never the courage to ask out. You'll present yourself to her and say "This is who I am. Gaze upon me. See all my hopes, my dreams and insecurities. And know that this can be your home should you choose it to be. Should you choose love over fear."
Where you go from there, dear reader, is entirely up to you...but know that if she hasn't hugged you immediately, you should probably get out of the area soon or the courts will decide for you. Ladies, if you're reading this, stop. You don't need my help. Walk up to any guy you see and just grab his junk. He's yours...unless he's married or gay. In which case, get out of the area immediately.
So without further ado...
FOUR FANTASTIC REASONS WHY FANTASTIC FOUR WILL BE THE COMIC BOOK MOVIE OF 2015!!!
1.) We Will Sneak Into The Movie Because We Don't Want To Pay For It
Over ten dollars to see Fantastic Four? F---k you. My mom may have dropped me on my head when I was only a baby, but I'm not stupid. I just suffer from seizures. We may have shelled out some dough to see the other two superhero movies that came out this year, but we ain't paying to see this. Not-uh. This is free movie night, boychik!
Now there are many methods to sneaking into a movie. Casually walking into another theater after watching the movie you paid to see. Opening the exit at the end of a hallway. When we were kids, there was often a movie we knew the staff wouldn't allow us to see. So we'd all buy a ticket for a kid's movie, go to the bathroom, then walk into the R rated film with the boobs, gore and explosions. Those were the days.
Since then, through trial and error, we've picked up a few rules concerning how best to pull off such tricky exploits. Like how it's easier to sneak into a movie that just opened up, as opposed to a film that the Ushers know damn well no one paid to see (If you and your crew are the only people in the theater...ABORT!). Speaking of Ushers...
Sometimes, you have to bribe someone working there. This isn't as hard as you think considering most of the ushers are teenagers who don't really care about their jobs. I remember going to see Spike Jonze's Her a few years back with friends. The classic mistake just mentioned was made. It had been a month since the film came out and we were all alone. Well, we got caught. And the 25 year old girl who took her job seriously enough to threaten to call the cops looked like Melissa McCarthy's unattractive sister. After a few minutes of pleading with her, a deal was struck. Our poor...poor friend Reggie would go into the broom closet with Ethel (yes, that's what her mom named her) while the rest of us would enjoy Her. Reggie would take one for the team.
Truth be told, we didn't really watch Her. Since we were the only ones there, our group spent most of the film gossiping loudly about all the drama that happened that week. Like how Steve's sister Tracey had just turned 18 and was giving out handies at the State Fair to anyone who went on the Ferris Wheel with her. She was the one who dressed as Catwoman at Mike's Halloween party and gave everyone a lap dance (until Steve dragged her home), so of course we were all ears. All in all, Her was okay. I think it was about a long-distance relationship or something. I only remember that Scarlett Johansson winds up joining a cult at the end, and that at one point, she bought her boyfriend a prostitute (on the condition that she gets to listens in). Ladies, if you're reading this and are currently in a rough patch with your man...some food for thought.
Anyways...Reggie isn't friends with us anymore.
But we still wish him a speedy recovery
2.) We Will Smuggle In Booze And Watch The Movie Drunk Off Our Asses
Damn right. No way we're watching this digital diarrhea sober. Like a sweet tooth'd candy junkie going in for a root canal, we demand anesthesia via nitrous oxide! But since our cousin Filipe got busted selling tanks of the stuff, the black market has raised its prices accordingly. Thus the only option we have available to us is putting on our swim trunks and diving into the emotionally comforting river of Vodka! Once we've sunk down deep enough to where our feet meets the river bed, certain truths are revealed to us. Truths like how we never should have broken up with our High School sweetheart 10 years ago, and if we call her up right now (after getting her number from a friend of a friend), we might just be able to rectify that mistake. Truths like how Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush weren't such bad Presidents after all (usually we need to be inebriated to the point of losing motor functions for these truths to be unlocked). We also get drunk to enjoy bad movies.
Right now, some of you are shaking your head and chiming in with a very valid point. McGee, alcohol goes through me like Chris Christie goes through Krispy Kreme. If we drink copious amounts of hard liquor, won't we be going to the bathroom every ten minutes or possibly piss ourselves? Yes, absolutely. Which is why I recommend buying at least three separate 2-liter bottles of soda (get the cheap store brand, as you won't be drinking it anyways). Empty out those bottles, and BAM! You got pee pee canteens. Me personally, I'll buy a gallon of TreeTop apple juice because you'll only need to buy one and it'll still look the same afterwards if the staff catches you.
At some point, someone in your crew will accidentally drink this. So be ready for that, because it will happen at least once.
3.) Steve Will Be Working That Night, So His Hot Ass Sister Tracey Can Hang With Us
This might seem like a dick move. Steve's a nice guy and has always been a legit bro to us all. Night after night, he's the designated driver. And we all know he has it rough. His parents are getting a divorce. He had to pay five hundred dollars to bail out his drug dealing cousin Chongo. When he breaks down and starts crying in front of us, no judgement is passed on him because we know he was dumped by Jennifer last week.
But this doesn't change the fact that his sister is wicked hot. Margot Robbie has nothing on her. Which brings us to our next bullet point...
3.5) Tracey Might Play "Find The Contact Lens" With One Of Us
Look, it's no secret that Steve's sister is a slut (and there is nothing wrong with this you slut shamers!). We mentioned this earlier. But even if she somehow isn't interested in our wormy baby makers (heh, yeah right). That doesn't change the fact that she's also a cool chick. I'm not even talking about the fact that she can belch the National Anthem, open a beer bottle by placing it under the table for a second or that trick she does with ping pong balls (No, I'm talking about how she can balance them on her nose--you're thinking of Mike's sister). Tracey volunteers at the homeless shelter, and not just during the Holidays. Let me ask you this, how many of you donate blood, or are organ donors? Tracey does and is. Later on they find out they can't actually use the plasma because of her blood alcohol levels and Tracey's liver is useless, but it's the thought that counts.
4.) There's That One In A Million Chance That It's Actually A Good Movie
Alright, calm down. Hey! HEY! Just hear me out for a second...alright? Now sit back down...okay.
There are many things in life we've all accepted to be true. If you drink a lot of bad coffee--eventually you'll need to take a shit, and sometimes the movies that we think will be shit--turn out to be not so bad after all. Catwoman, Johan Hex and the Ghost Rider movies. We all talked smack on those...you know what? I haven't seen any of those movies while sober, so scratch those examples.
X-Men: First Class got so much grief for those posters and...wait, did we all enjoy that movie? I liked it but I know some people...didn't...okay, okay. Stay with me here. All the X-Men movies post X-Men 2 got so much crap from fans, and like...the more recent ones ended up not being that bad. Comparatively speaking. You know?
I can see I'm losing some people here. Alright, alright...hold on. Give me a second here to think. GIVE ME A SECOND!
Alright, Christopher Nolan! Everyone's complaining about how Fantastic Four is being Nolanized. But how is that a bad thing? Nolan is a great filmmaker! Yeah, The Dark Knight Rises wasn't a perfect masterpiece, but it's not like Rises was as bad as Adam Sandler's Pixels! You might counter that that wasn't the point of contention with fans. That the reason fans criticized Rises was because Nolan had established a quality standard with the previous two films and didn't do a good job wrapping up his Batman trilogy, to which I would say...shut up!
Is it because this film has a tone that isn't to your liking? Is that why you guys are nagging? Because it's different? Well guess what...comic book legend Peter David wrote about the finicky nature of fans on his blog back in February.
When will they learn? I still remember clearly being at a convention back in the 80s, and it had been announced that Tim Burton was casting Michael Keaton as Batman. I was on a panel and we were asked about it. Every other panel member said it was an insult, that it was going to be 1960s Adam West all over again. And I was the last person to speak, and I said, “Look: Tim Burton is a director. Keaton is an actor. They’re both good at what they do, and just because they’re mostly known for comedy doesn’t mean they can’t turn out a great Batman film.” And I was booed. By everyone. Even the other panelists gave me the evil eye.
Flash forward several years, and I’m at another convention, and I hear two fans talking about the just announced “Batman Returns.” Their opinion: “It better be Tim Burton and Michael Keaton or otherwise it’s gonna suck.” I felt vindicated.
Don't bother formulating a response, because I know what you're gonna say! You're gonna say Yeah, but they rushed out an awesome teaser trailer for Batman 89 that largely quelled the negative backlash before its release. Also, there was a precedent in the comics for a darker Batman and that's what the fans wanted all along. This Fantastic Four doesn't seem like Fantastic Four. To which I would say...shit, that's a good point.
Still, my larger point remains the same. We should wait until we actually see the movie before saying it's awful.
You might reply with But we're not saying that. What we're saying is that it looks like it might be bad. Obviously we have to see the movie first before saying definitively that it isn't good. And even then, everyone knows that art is subjective and that opinions aren't facts. Blade Runner is proof that a critical consensus on a film can change over time.
To which I would retort that...well, you guys don't...that's what I was trying to...you just repeated my position on this subject back to me, but said it with more articulation and to refute an assumption on my part, so...you know...I hope you all die in a car accident and they find the porn on your computer.
All Artwork For This Article Was Drawn By CBM User Doopie.
FANTASTIC FOUR, a contemporary re-imagining of Marvel’s original and longest-running superhero team, centers on four young outsiders who teleport to an alternate and dangerous universe, which alters their physical form in shocking ways. Their lives irrevocably upended, the team must learn to harness their daunting new abilities and work together to save Earth from a former friend turned enemy.