Santa Claus: the granddaddy of all superheroes

Santa's the superhero godfather. Don't believe me? Then read on!

Christmas is almost here, and I think it’s time for us to pay our respects to the godfather of all superheroes… Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus.

Yes, that’s right, Santa Claus.

You may be thinking, “Santa Claus? Seriously? The old dude who slides down chimneys to give kids gifts and stuff? THAT Santa Claus?”

Yes, folks… THAT Santa Claus. He’s famous for doing things we can only dream of. And do you know why? Because he’s a superhero, dammit!

Take a look at these facts that prove that Santa’s got the powers and accessories to fight evil like nobody’s business!

Before he goes out on patrol, he gets ready in his workshop way out in the North Pole. It’s like his own personal bat cave… remote, hard-to-find, and a place for him to assemble tools he needs to go about his work. Except his gadgets and tools aren’t technological; they’re magical, and instead of Alfred, he’s got elves and reindeer to help him put his stuff together.

In fact, Santa’s little helpers are like Q from the James Bond movies (and folks, trust me. James Bond’s a superhero, too, if you think about it). They work on his G-ride, the sleigh, that he flies all around the world. They make sure it’s designed well enough to fly fast, resist all kinds of force and wind pressure, and it’s got to have its own built-in magical GPS to be able to find every single home on Earth, doesn’t it?

Or maybe it’s SANTA who can do a lot of that stuff, and not his sleigh. Yes, the sleigh’s got to be a FINE piece of craftsmanship to fly all over the place quickly with him on it and those reindeer, but who’s to say that Santa’s not the one who knows where to find everybody to give gifts to? He knows if you’re naughty or nice, so he’s got some mental powers going on. It’s not hard to believe that Santa knows where you sleep, too.

Scary, isn’t it?

And even if it’s his sleigh that moves at the speed of light, or however fast it goes (which has to be hella fast if he can reach every single home in one night), Santa HIMSELF has got to be as fast the Flash to slip in and out of everyone’s house before they know he’s there. And I’ll bet he can turn invisible too. Why else hasn’t anyone ever been able to catch Santa on tape to prove that he was there? Because he’s a NINJA, that’s why. He knows how to slip in and out quick, unnoticed, even by modern technology. That takes some skill.

People say Santa slides down chimneys, and who knows? Maybe he does, but he also gets into homes that don’t have chimneys, so that means he either teleports inside or phases through walls. And not all chimneys are the same size, so maybe Santa can even change his shape to make himself thin enough to fit down the tiny spaces. No one can really say, though, because no one’s ever seen him do any of things. But he still gets his stuff done, because he’s THAT GOOD.

Don’t let the jolly demeanor and bright red outfit fool you. Santa’s a GANGSTA! Beneath that happy, good-natured demeanor lies the grit of a hardened, stealthy fighting machine. If he can move at lightspeed, change his shape, turn invisible, and do who knows what else, Santa has the ability to whoop most people’s behinds with authority. Don’t mess with OG Santa. He’ll MESS. YOU. UP!

He wears a costume, too, which is the superhero standard. It’s bright red, and iconic. Sure, everyone knows what most other superheroes wear, but they know what Santa’s got on, too, and he’s been at this longer. How long have Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman been at it? Decades? Santa’s been at this crap for CENTURIES. That’s a loooooong time to build up your rep in pop culture, folks, and Santa’s succeeded. The red hat with the white ball on the end if just as symbolic, if not more, than an S-shield or a bat symbol.

Santa’s married to Mrs. Claus, who’s a much better superhero companion than Lois Lane or Mary Jane because she’s IN ON IT. She knows what her man does, and she supports it. Santa’s not afraid to tell HIS woman what he does at night, but Peter Parker has to worry about Mary Jane being pissed about him not being there for her, and for years, Clark Kent had to hide the fact that he was Superman from Lois. Santa doesn’t have to do either of those things. His woman understands, and you can bet she’s got some powers, too. She's up in that workshop with the elves, reindeer, and all those other mystical knick-knacks they all use to make the equipment and keep it running. You can bet Mrs. Claus ain't no ordinary woman if she's a part of THAT team. Santa found himself a woman who “gets” him and isn’t going to give him hell for handling his business.

And what does Santa DO to be a superhero, other than have powers and wear a bright costume? He helps people out by giving them gifts. He’s kind of like Superman, but instead of fighting bad guys, he fights unhappiness for little kids. Corny, perhaps, but accurate. When you were a kid, wouldn’t you have been pissed if there’d been no Santa? He saved you from some pretty sad Christmases when you got those toys and games you wanted, didn’t you? Clark Kent didn’t give a rat’s patootie whether or not you got that gaming cartridge you asked your mom for, but SANTA did, dammit! So there!

So yes, folks. I believe that Santa Claus is a superhero, and not just any superhero, but the superhero godfather… because he’s been at it longer.

This holiday season, you'd better be thankful for Santa, or he'll put some coal in your stocking, and you won't even see it coming.

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