(When one of these dead on arrival titles arrives on disc they go under the knife of the forensic video-examiner, all in the hope of determining the causes of death in the marketplace. Be forewarned any who wish to see the film – this piece is entirely a SPOILER.)
Do you recall the Roland Emmerich disaster epic from 2004,
The Day After Tomorrow? That apocalyptic vision of global warming featured one of the most ludicrous chase scenes in cinematic history. Jake Gyllenhal is shown being pursued -- by cold air. We even saw a point-of-view angle of the cold air , chasing Jake through hallways before he hid safely -- behind a wooden door.
Now, imagine that full-blown idiocy expanded into a full-blown motion picture. The genius minds of the production company The Asylum have done just that, relying on a writing tandem responsible for the epics
Two-Headed Shark, and
Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies. Let us open up this weather disaster and find out why it had arid returns.
00:00:59 Locale Anesthesia A CGI scene of the earth opening up suddenly cuts to stock footage of a massive volcanic plume. This sets up Iceland to blame for the impending global disaster.
00:01:24 Fiscal Laceration Two German scientists -- in Germany, but speaking in English -- discuss the eruption, comparing statistics against their computer models. However they are not in an expensive research lab soundstage; they are standing on a cobblestone street, referring to a binder.
00:02:03 Septic Introduction Veteran British actor John Rhys-Davies appears as Colonel Ralph Dillard, sporting a perpetual morning-after air about him. I’m going to make a bold statement -- this feature may be his worst role since
Never Say Nevermind: The Swedish Bikini Team 00:03:11 Weakened Impulse Now we cut to a plane piloted by Steve (Jeff Fahey) and his peppy wife Lacey. They are instructed to lower their flight path because of the ash cloud. The audience is NOT instructed on who they are, nor why we should care about them.
00:04:12 Invasive Pathos The German weather scientist holds a video-chat meeting with a collection of anonymous individuals we are left to assume are important. He predicts a series of eruptions across Europe and suggests evacuating people from the affected areas. He’s asked, what are affected areas?:
GERMAN WEATHER EXPERT:
Approximately 83% of Europe. So maybe they should get moving on that . . .
00:06:50 Locale Anesthesia Usually the appearance of the Eiffel Tower is enough to indicate setting. This film needed to give us a graphic explaining we are in PARIS, FRANCE.
So, in PARIS, FRANCE we meet a brother and sister, Ryan and Taryn. Their father is the one flying the plane with his new wife. Still, no indication is given why we should care about this brood.
Taryn is played by Sara Malakul Lane, who acted in the opus
Sharktopus, so we are in experienced hands.
00:10:33 Iatrogenic Direction The German weather expert (Dr. Goldschein; I had to look it up) sees his prediction of eruptions come true. We watch a series of news broadcasts from numerous countries. A few would have delivered the message. We get served fourteen. I’m left to assume now these eruptions are vital to the plot.
00:15:04 Cranial Atrophy Dr. Goldschein calls Colonel Dillard to explain how Europe is about to become a massive Dip-N-Dots franchise. Dillard wrestles with the explanation, complete with hand-gestures:
DILLARD:
So, because the cloud is blocking out the sun, temperatures are falling! 00:15:36 Ruptured Optics In order to let us know it is getting colder outside the director of photography resorts to a blue gel placed over the camera lens.
00:20:26 Comedic Arrest Back in PARIS, FRANCE Ryan and Taryn speak to Dad, who is grounded in London. Next the siblings are beset by massive basketball-sized hail stones, one nearly hitting Ryan and knocking him down. Correction; they are soccer-ball-sized hailstones. Taryn races up and rationally kicks one of the roughly 25lb plummeting stones out of mid-air before it hits her fallen brother.
Yes, that just happened. We are expected to treat that as normal.
00:22:38 Blunt Force Dialogue In Dillard’s office Dr. Goldschein continues his dismal forcasting, predicting 22 months of snow.
DR. GOLDSCHEIN:
Like I said, I don’t like to engage in hyperbole. COLONEL DILLARD:
Hyperbole? HYPERBOLE?! Good God man, if these
projections are correct Europe – and a large portion of the Northern hemisphere -- have just entered into a new ice age! Well, just so long as we aren’t engaged in dramatically exaggerated predictions.
00:23:42 Depleted Character Concentrations Back in PARIS, FRANCE earthquakes occur, and both Ryan and Taryn end up on the ground, again. This is becoming a film centered on a pair of individuals with abjectly inept motor skills.
00:24:46 Weakened Impulse The Dyspeptic Duo runs as the street is opening up and buildings developing structural cracks. After they round a corner the disaster simply stops, so it appears they just outran the earthquake.
Foolishly they stopped to talk, so the earthquake was able to catch up to them. (Both fall down again as well.)
00:27:22 Exploratory Story Incision Steve is a recent Air Force retiree, and friends with Colonel Dillard of NATO. During a global crisis Dillard has time for a personal call from Steve. He assures Steve his family has a ride on a military evacuation plane in 10 hours, since Europe is going to be wiped out. It sure helps to be an American during a global crisis!
00:30:37 Weakened Impulse The brother and sister finally take shelter in a building. Once inside Taryn calls out:
TARYN:
Hello! We’re Americans, we need help! Told they have to evacuate the falling building they next fall through a hole in the floor following a tremor. Ryan boosts his sister up to escape, then proceeds to fall no fewer than
three more times in his effort to join her.
00:37:49 Depleted Character Concentrations The idiot Ryan grabs some wires and is shocked unconscious (and yes, he’s down again.) A worker arrives with a defibrillator, because when severely injured by electricity you need to be rescued by electricity.
00:40:06 Weakened Impulse Steve and Lacey try to board a train but are told rail service is booked full. Unbelievably this is AFTER he informs the clerk he is an American serviceman with a ticket confirmed by a NATO Colonel! It’s like this guy has no clue who Steve is!
00:41:27 Cranial Atrophy Steve and Lacey now call Taryn to arrange a place to meet. Taryn is not sure where, as she tells them:
There’s nothing, it’s all gone! She says this while walking with the entire Parisian metropolis in view behind her.
00:42:12 Plot Stimulant Now at the English Channel Tunnel Steve again approaches authorities with his demand to go through based on being an American soldier. When told he cannot pass he then raises the stakes, telling him he has kids in France – unlike anyone else on the continent.
00:43:01 Fiscal Laceration Steve makes a bold move, crashing through a barricade to drive into the tunnel. This becomes a gripping thriller with heroes driving a crappy Euro-compact for action scenes. For the record, Jeff Fahey is NOT Jason Bourne in a Cooper-Mini.
00:47:56 Invasive Pathos Back in PARIS, FRANCE the siblings finally make a smart move – which naturally leads to idiocy. They discover a furrier shop, but as they find fur coats the owner draws a gun on them. A well-timed earthquake leads to Ryan for once showing competency -- grabbing the gun before the ceiling falls on the guy. However Taryn also falls (again), trapped under a display cabinet.
00:52:55 Blunt-Force Dialogue Returning to the tunnel, Steve is piloting the crappy Euro-compact and the walls begin cracking, with water shooting into the tunnel. All these breaches occur behind them, so they manage to . . . outrun the damage . . . ???
Lacey offers up helpful advice, while the military Vet seems new to vehicle operation:
LACEY:
Just go, just go – go faster! STEVE:
I’m going fast! I-I-I’m- . . . I got it at Max! Maybe those Euro-shit-boxes don’t have high gears, just Reverse, Go, and MAX speeds.
00:54:11 Elevated Foreshadow Levels Colonel Dillard feels Steve won’t make it, but he makes arrangements to find the kids and get them on the transport. A soldier asks a sane question; why do 2 Americans get preference over all the civilians. Dillard begins to tell a story about the Iraq war, in order to explain how Steve saved his life once -- in Alaska.
00:58:32 Visual Adrenal Infusion With polar temperatures upon them Taryn warms herself in the new fur coat – with the exception of her cleavage, of course.
01:03:28 Blunt-Force Dialogue Ryan and Taryn continue on their quest to meet the folks at the Eiffel Tower (in PARIS FRANCE) despite civilization crumbling around them. Ryan badgers a French girl for directions, and she manages to blurt one of the few English words she learned from Rosetta Stone:
FRENCH GAL: “
Shortcut!”
01:05:00 Depleted Character Concentrations After their Less Than Smart Car fails in the storm Steve and Lacey have to hike to the military base. We see where the kids get their physical prowess; both tumble down a snowy embankment.
01:06:56 Weakened Impulse In the hanger a soldier opening the bay doors becomes impaled by a falling icicle. This is because he shirked military protocol and let the retired Steve in the cockpit to fly a helicopter.
01:07:35 Cranial Atrophy Ryan declares they need to make up for lost time, so he wants them to use bikes locked on the street. The micro-surgeon-genius proceeds to beat at a chain with a crescent wrench. The girls meanwhile use keys located nearby to simply open the locks.
01:13:10 Collapsed Climax For some reason the kids feel instead of the chopper landing in the plaza, and boarding normally, they should scale the tower and be plucked off via rescue lines.
01:20:53 Ruptured Visual They manage to board the chopper just before a tornado bears down on them. As they slide into the chopper it gives Ryan the chance to land on his ass for the thirteenth time in this epic.
The movie does Roland Emmerich proud by showing the Eiffel Tower, in PARIS, FRANCE, getting snapped in half by the storm.
POST MORTEM There is no surprise what you end up with when you want to present a film about a global catastrophe shot on a budget that would strain when filming a local parking lot flooding.
When you cannot even ramp up the drama because you center things on an anonymous group nobody cares about (who proceed to fall on their ass a combined two dozen times) your apocalypse is washed out. It becomes very easy to forecast that the success of this title in the marketplace had less than a 10% chance of remuneration.