Rey: She's A Skywalker! I Think. I Dunno. We'll See.

Many theories have been flying around about Rey's parentage. Is she a Skywalker? Is she a Kenobi? Targaryen? I was falling asleep to Stupendous Wave the other night when it hit me. I figured out who her parents are. Well, at least one of them anyway. But, I want to go through the Internet's list of suspects first.

Baby Daddy Suspect #1: Ol' Ben

There's a segment that think Obi Wan did the nasty while in exile on Tatooine. Sure, it's possible he found a nice comely lass in a retched hive of scum and villainy, but non-platonic booty calls weren't Kenobi's style. Plus, if your tagline is "Crazy Old Hermit", you're gonna get swiped left. I do like the theory of Rey Kenobi, especially with Obi speaking to her while she was force-tripping, but it doesn't seem likely.
 

Baby (Grand?)Daddy Suspect #2: Palpy

He's the least possible candidate, but Palpatine's my running favorite. Wouldn't it be cool if it turned out to be an evil Skywalker(Kylo) vs a good Palpatine(Rey) in this trilogy? "Unlearn!" could be this winter's meme. The proponents of this theory point to similar fighting styles, British accents and what not, and the Sith can bump uglies with no repercussions, emphasis on uglies.
 

Baby Daddy Suspect #3: Luke Skywalker

Almost everyone wants this one to be true, but it would be the laziest plot reveal from a franchise that coined, "No, I am your father," into the pop culture lexicon. It's an interesting thought, though. Luke taking the Jedi order in a different direction and allowing romantic attachments and looser principles, which maybe had something to do with the corruption of Ben Solo, but I just don't buy it. When Luke became full Jedi in ROJ, he had the same sort of detachment all Jedi seem to have. Why would he change the entire code of the Jedi?

This is my least favorite theory. The rumor is that Rey is a reincarnated Anakin Skywalker. That seriously dings my batshit bell like school's out. To actually have Luke utter the line, "No, you are my father," to Rey is going to make me cringe more than a certain "No" from Episode III. To understand how Rey could be her own grandpa, here's a detailed description LINK. The only way I'd be OK with this messed up concept is if it tied into my own theory on Rey's parent(s), but I still wouldn't want it to.

So with the usual suspects out of the way, let's delve into my theory. George Lucas once said that the Star Wars saga was a Skywalker saga. So it's no surprise that when Rey showed up to save the day in TFA, it triggered a lot of fans. "Who's this lady? Is she relevant to our established storyline and characters? Why is she perfect in every way?" Don't worry. I have an answer.
 

Baby Momma Suspect: General Leia

I'll break it down.
 

1. Let's start with the lightsaber.

When Rey touches Anakin's lightsaber, it triggers a force vision. Maz, surprised as hell, tells her that it called to her. Why would it call to a non-Skywalker? If she is Leia's daughter, of course she would see visions of her grandpa and uncle duking it out and her emo brother wasting innocent people. Add Obi Wan's voice saying, "Rey, these are your first steps," and it's even more of a confirmation. He instructed Anakin, then Anakin's son, and now he's giving Rey the same pep talk he gave uncle Luke. Keep her away from younglings, though just in case.

2. All Skywalker Jedi start off stuck in the sand.

Anakin was a slave on Tatooine, Luke was an indentured step-nephew on Tatooine, and Rey was a scavenger, literally living paycheck to paycheck, on Jakku. If Red Letter Media has taught us anything, it's that Star Wars is like a rap song chorus. It rhymes and repeats, rhymes and repeats. The point is, if you're a Skywalker and destined to be a powerful space wizard, you probably started your mystical journey on a desert planet.

3. Leia rides solo.

OK, bad puns and obligatory slave outfit picture aside,we have to remember thirty years have passed since ROJ, and we've been given very little in the way of facts for that block of time. We do know Luke started a new academy. We know Kylo burned that shit down. We know Snokey (only you can prevent Jedi) influenced him to do it via social media or something. We know Luke started listening to The Cure shortly after and never came out of his room again. But the other fact we know, and relates to my theory, is that Han and Leia broke up at some point. It just didn't work. He's a space cowboy and she's a space general. Opposites attract, but schedules can kill the mood. So, they split amicably and went back to doing what they do best. She continued rebuilding and running the galaxy and he went back to smuggling testicle monsters.

So here's Leia, young, newly single, and just sent her son off to Jedi boarding school. She has one of the most stressful jobs in the galaxy. She's a could-be-Jedi with no abstinence rules holding her down. She's a healthy woman with healthy appetites with a certain palace outfit hanging in the closet. What's to say she didn't Hologram & Chill occasionally. There's lots of fish in the galactic sea.

And who's to say she didn't get pregnant at some point, accidental or planned? With Han gone and Ben away at Jedi academy, maybe she had empty nest syndrome. Or, maybe she just forgot to take her space pill that day. Either way, she could have easily had Rey in those many years in between.

Wait, you say. Wouldn't Kylo know he has a sister? Why wouldn't he recognize Rey? If Luke kept his academy close to the old Jedi order, then no. Younglings/Padawans go to Jedi school and cut all ties with their family, with no contact. It's part of the reason Leia and Han lamented sending off their son to Luke in The Force Awakens. They lost touch with him.

Luke and Han probably knew about Leia's daughter, which leads me to my next point...

4. People seem to be familiar with Rey.

So, Leia now has a young daughter who's exhibiting powerful force tendencies. She just lost her son to Snoke's influence and seen her brother's academy destroyed by said son. What's a baby momma to do? She sends that daughter as far away from Snoke and the burgeoning First Order as possible. It's a trick she learned from an old Jedi friend who served her father once. It probably broke her heart, but she felt it was the right thing to do to protect her.

One of my favorite parts of TFA was the fatherly bond Solo formed with Rey. Well, I think after a while, Han realized who she was, or at least started to suspect. But being the scoundrel he is, he advises her not to go back into hiding and even offers her a job, so he can keep an eye on her.

Luke probably has an idea who she is and is ticked off she found him, because as soon as he sees her, he's probably getting Kylo flashbacks and thinking, "Nooo! I suck at training people! This'll end badly."

You even get a sense Kylo knows something is up with this girl. Snoke probably knew about Leia's second child and wanted her just as much as, if not more than, Ben. He says, "What girl!?" as if he already knows the answer, and very much wants her brought to him.

Then, there's Leia herself. You can thank me for solving one of the biggest mysteries of The Force Awakens and one of the biggest focuses of nerd rage.

So what does all this mean? It means we have a some cool setups. One is Rey learning she's a Skywalker Jedi and the other is pulling her brother back from the dark side and together defeating Snoke. Kylo probably won't survive the ordeal though, a la Vader sacrificing himself to stop the emperor. It's like poetry. It rhymes.

5. Other leftover tidbits.

There are a couple modifications I could make to this theory. Han Solo could be her dad. It's possible he pulled in to port drunk one night and he and Leia had a short post-separation fling which resulted in Rey. I could, reluctantly, incorporate the "Force spawns Rey as a reincarnated Anakin Skywalker" theory and say it was Leia who got knocked up by the force. It's kind of gross to think about Leia carrying her own grandpa to term, though.

People involved with TFA have been trolling us pretty good too.  J.J. Abrams trolled us first by saying Rey's parents aren't in his movie, but then he backtracked later saying, "What I meant to say is she doesn't discover her parents in Episode VII." Daisy Ridley went on to say it's pretty obvious who Rey's parents are if you watch The Force Awakens. Really?

I guess we'll find out in a few months.