Superman Returns was an "alternative sequel" to the original Superman and Superman II films - alternative as it completely disregards the third and fourth films. Now, even before the film starts, there is a major problem with having this film as a sequel rather than as a reboot; when does it take place? Supposedly it’s been five years since Superman left, which is five years after the events in Superman II. Both Superman and Superman II are set in the "present day", namely the years they were filmed - 1978 and 1980. So this film should be set in the year 1985, but it’s clearly set in modern-day 2006. In no way does this timeline make any sense. If Superman Returns is set in the modern-day (which it is) it's not five years later, more like twenty six years later. In that case; how old does that make the characters? Lois Lane would be nearly 50 and Lex Luther would be... I don’t know how old he's supposed to be so... really really old. The only way that this film would make sense would be to say that it is set in the year 1985 (even though it’s not). I say it’s not because there’s clear indications of technology that wasn't available in 1985.
So if we ignore all logic and say this film is five years after Superman II and in the modern-day, we see the film open with this prologue:
On the doomed planet Krypton, a wise scientist places his infant son into a spacecraft and launches him to Earth.
- How exactly is the scientist wise? If you were on a sinking ship and a guy said “Hey the ship's sinking, shall we get in the life boats?” I don’t think anyone’s reaction would be “Hmm... you are a very wise man." And say the scientist (Jor-el) was wrong about the planet being doomed, how wise is it to send an infant... in a rocket... by himself... into space?
Raised by a kind farmer and his wife,
- What, is the wife not kind to?
The boy grew up to become out greatest protector... Superman.
- The last part of this is imperative just in case you couldn’t figure out what was going on. “Say Tom, which character in this film called Superman Returns gets sent to Earth and becomes our greatest protector?” "Good question Doug, I hope someone tells us soon or I’ll be trying to figure that one out for the whole film."
But when astronomers discovered the distant remains of his home world, Superman disappeared...
- Who are these astronomers who have suddenly discovered these remains? Could Superman not double-check their results with his far greater Kryptonian technology? And why does he disappear? Could he not tell anyone that he was going? And why does he need to go? Once he’s left the Solar System he would lose all his powers, and I presume there might be some Kryptonite floating about so Superman would be the last person who should be checking this out. Could they not send a probe?
Soon after the title sequence, which is frankly boring and has none of the grandness of Donner’s original title sequence, Superman crashes back down on Earth at his adopted parent’s farm. He explains to the wife of his kind adopted father that there was nothing left... predictable as the sun went super nova and engulfed the entire planet.
It then turns out that Lex has married a rich elderly woman for the inheritance, which I don’t think is as dastardly as the film makers seem to think it is. I mean, he’s a master criminal. Superman, the guy who usually stops him, has been gone for five years, and this is all he’s been doing? Lex’s plan this time is to use the power of the Kryptonian crystals in the Fortress of Solitude to manufacture a completely new land mass. Presumably this is a continued plot from the original in which Luther plans to destroy the West Coast of America. Fair enough if that’s his plan, my only question about this scenario is why aren't the FBI or the CIA watching this guy? He’s clearly criminally insane yet he’s allowed to run around and do whatever he wants.
The plot quickly thickens as we soon find out that Superman’s love interest is now married and has a kid, who’s coincidentally five years old. I imagine there are a lot of polarized opinions on the subject of Superman being able to not only have sex with a human but also being able to impregnate one, but there’s so much more that I find horrendous about this film that it doesn't really bother me.
It's the last twenty minutes that bothers me most about this film. Superman gets beaten up by Lex’s stooges, because the new island Lex has built out of Kryptonian crystal also houses large masses of Kryptonite... Why? Why does this massive island have tonnes of Kryptonite throbbing out of it's cracks? It’s made from crystals that Jor-El sent to earth with his son... to help. Isn’t Kryptonite supposed to be radioactive pieces of the destroyed planet Krypton? Why would newly formed land have any? And if the Kryptonite was already a part of the crystal why would Jor-El send it with his son? Isn't Kryptonite supposed to be the rarest material on the planet? Why does every Superman villain seem to have a chunk?
Lex, deciding that watching Superman fall over a ledge, but not seeing his corpse, is proof enough that he’s dead, flies off home. Superman, not being dead as he’s SUPERMAN, decides to lift the island made out of Kryptonite into space... How? Superman has never shown this kind of strength in any of the Superman films, I find it hard to believe that he could lift an island, let alone into space. But wait, hasn’t he also been stabbed with a Kryptonite knife? But wait, isn’t the island also made from Kryptonite the most crippling of substances to him? Three punks just beat the hell out of him and then stabbed him; was he faking being so weak or what?
The problem with Superman Returns is that the plot just isn’t very good. The story doesn’t have a focused driving force. The romance story between Lois and Clark has always been the strongest aspect of any good Superman story, yet in Superman Returns it’s a side story and it isn’t resolved in any way. The film obviously isn’t gripping me if my focus is on anything but the narrative. In the original Superman film, Superman reverses time by spinning the Earth backwards and I’m fine with that, because it was a good solid film that was well paced, well directed, well cast and well executed. Superman Returns has some serious problems, the last one being why is Lex Luther yet again the villain? If you want to make an action film (which I presume someone working on this film did, else it wouldn't have the unimaginative plane scene chucked in with a load of other filler action scenes) choose another villain, one that Superman could punch and not turn to dust.