Banner in the Woods: The Complete Trilogy

Banner in the Woods: The Complete Trilogy

The collected edition of the heartbreaking Banner in the Woods trilogy.

By Furiosa - Feb 24, 2015 11:02 AM EST

Banner in the Woods

Prologue:  Banner and Stark's breakup

They call me a monster, and they're not far off. Who am i? Some call me Bruce, others call me Banner, however i consider myself to be nothing more than Tony Stark's lover. Don't let him know that i told you that though, or he might pull out his Hulkbuster and knock some sense into my green ass. Anywho, before i allow myself to get carried away, i should take things back, back to that day.

Chapter One: Stark's alcoholism 

"F*CK YOU, B*TCHES!! I'M MOTHERF*CKING IRON MAN, I DO WHAT I WANT!!!" Said Stark as he downed another bottle. He proceeded to shoot his repulsor ray all up in Black Widows face, ackin' like it ain't no thang. Then Widow was all like, "Shit Tony, you been hittin' dat sauce too hard, ya ain't gettin' nun of dis booty if'n ya c'nt learn to sober up" Stark stared blankly directly at Widow's face for a good two and a half minutes before he opened his smug, douchey face. "Natasha, i like you, and i like your ass. But when you tell me to stop drinking booze it makes me want to smack you upside the head" After Stark made this rude comment to Natasha, she talked about it to Clint, but Clint didn't seem to care, he was too busy fondling his bow and thinking about Thor's sexy musculature, and all the erotic things he would love to do to his perfect chiseled, amazing body. Clint got so turned on by his dirty Thor thoughts that he decided to see if he could give Thor a hand polishing Mjolnir. But alas, it turned out that Thor was currently absent due to important matters in Asgard. So Clint decided to go have a cold shower to try and cool down. Meanwhile, somewhere out in the wilderness, Banner was roasting some wieners. He was mildly upset that he had no one to share his wieners with so he pulled out his phablet and dialed up Tony Stark and proceeded to ask him to come out and have some delicious wieners roasted over a campfire. Stark suited up into his brand spankin' new Mark 91871627362762 Wienerbuster Armor and flew the [frick] right on over to Banner's location in the woods. But......OH NO!!!! Stark forgot to bring enough booze to last through the night, so he quickly turned around. FWOOOOSH!!! Tony quickly flew back and grabbed as much Alcohol as he could possibly carry and carried on to his destination. 

Chapter Two: The Weenie Roast

Banner sat out in the wilderness, twiddling his thumbs over an open fire waiting for Tony Stark to arrive in time. He thought to himself, "If Tony doesn't arrive within the next fifteen minutes, I'm just going to have to roast these damn weenies all by my lonesome". Approximately 14 and a half minutes later Stark finally arrived, and Banner jumped in the air and yelled "SKIP-BOPPITY BOO, HAVE I GOT A WIENER ROAST FOR YOU!!!" Stark reacted with a thunderous "WOOOOOHOOO!!!" Banner than said "Did you bring lots of liquor?" To which Stark replied, "I would have been here quicker, but i almost forgot the liquor!!" 

Meanwhile, in Asgard......Loki farted.

Meanwhile, on the Avengers new Quinjet......Steve was doing a sexy workout getting all sweaty and whatnot. While Cap was busy with his super hot workout Clint and Natasha were having a very deep conversation about the potential repercussions that could occur if Barton decided to finally come out of the closet. "I don't know if i can handle being known as the gay Avenger" said Clint to Natasha. "But Clint, you can't keep doing this to yourself anymore, it will take an irreparable toll on your psyche". Clint let out a deep sigh before he proceeded to cry. Natasha embraced him and whispered into his ear "Just let it go, Clint, let it go". This inspired Clint to burst into song "The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the Queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows i tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know! Let it go, let it go! Can't hold it back any more. Let it go, let it go! Turn away and sla-" "CLINT!!!" "Sorry....i got a bit carried away, i just love Frozen SO MUCH!!!"

Back in the woods, Bruce and Tony got ecstatic due to the splendid job Banner did roasting the wieners. "Oh my gosh, Bruce this is the most delicious wiener I've tasted since i was fourteen years old". "Thank you, Tony. I must say, i haven't had a night like this for the longest time. I'm very grateful you accepted my invite". Hours passed under the starry moonlight, many a drink and a wiener were had, both Tony and Banner were glad. After a while they snuggled up in Banner's tent and passed out. And that was the end of the weenie roast.

Chapter Three: The Morning After

Stark woke up from his drunken stupor at about 3:56 AM, and he wondered what happened the night prior to his awakening, but then he noticed Banners arm holding him tight, and his eyes then widened with shock. "Pepper can never find out about this" he thought to himself. He got up onto his feet and then he proceeded to unzip the tent and he ended up vomiting on his way out. He grabbed his head as it started to throb the throbbiest throb pain a head could ever throb, in fact it throbbed so throbbingly that he started to sob, and this sobbing lasted for a good 25 minutes. Eventually Bruce woke up, due to the loud chirping of birds, he immediately noticed the tent was unzipped. Once he exited the unzipped tent, he looked down towards the ground, and he noticed Tony's pile of vomit. He thought to himself "If only Tony wasn't still with Pepper, we could be forever together".

Meanwhile, on the Avengers current Quinjet, OH WAIT THE QUINJET JUST EXPLODED HOLY [frick] ITS CRASHING OMG, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH ALL THE AVENGERS ARE DEAD EXCEPT FOR STARK AND BANNER BECAUSE THEY WERE ROASTING WEENIES HOLY SHIT!!! And thus ends the tragic tale of Banner in the Woods and the rest of the now deceased Avengers.  

MARVEL'S AVENGERS Will Finally Add Spider-Man To The Game This Month In With Great Power Hero Event

MARVEL'S AVENGERS Will Finally Add Spider-Man To The Game This Month In "With Great Power" Hero Event

Quicksilver May Still Be Dead In The MCU, But He Is Getting An AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON Marvel Legends Figure
Recommended For You:

Quicksilver May Still Be Dead In The MCU, But He Is Getting An AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON Marvel Legends Figure

DISCLAIMER: is protected under the DMCA (Digital Millenium Copyright Act) and... [MORE], and/or the user who contributed this post, may earn commissions or revenue through clicks or purchases made through any third-party links contained within the content above.

ThtOneGuy - 2/24/2015, 6:29 PM
Wieners are the root of all evil.
Killuminatic - 4/29/2015, 12:43 PM
Killuminatic - 4/29/2015, 12:44 PM my wiener
Killuminatic - 4/29/2015, 1:02 PM
I think this calls for a celebration @Dev7

Don't you just love these moments when all hope for humanity becomes lost?

View Recorder