Nicolas Cage: The Arcade Game
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com
Copyright 2012
Level 1: MONDAY: Nicolas Cage: A National Treasure
You begin your week in the life of Nicolas Cage by flying to Washington D.C. to complete filming of "National Treasure 3: The Mystery of FDR's Wheelchair." Today's shoot is the epic scene where you dig up George Washington's body and find the secret message engraved on his wooden teeth. Your objective in this first level is to act through the entire scene without showing any emotion. The first enemies you face in this game are your fellow actors, who are trying their hardest to get a performance out of you, but you must stand firm and resist. You then must battle with the cinematographer, who refuses to film you on your "young side." At the end of this level, you must face the first Boss, the director, who is demanding you portray an emotion other than "stoic." Once you defeat him, you receive your paycheck for the film.
Level 2: TUESDAY: Gone in Six Hours
The second level's objective is for you to feed your shopping addiction. You wake up at 5 a.m. and immediately jump on eBay. Your mission is to buy as many obscure items that you can before 9 a.m. The more dollars spent, the more points you get. After eBay, you go to an art auction in Santa Barbara and see how many Picassos you can acquire. Then you head to a car dealership and buy every Rolls Royce you can in an hour. Next you go up against Leonardo DiCaprio at a private auction to see who can spend the most on a T-Rex skull. Finally, you get into a bidding war with the Shah of Iran over a 17th century castle on the island of Caspiar. If you win, you face this level's biggest foe, your accountant.
Level 3: WEDNESDAY: Bringing Out the Debt
This day begins with a call from the IRS saying you owe them $6.2 million in back taxes. You just emptied your bank account yesterday, so you must sell as many possessions as you can to pay the government before sundown. First, you call an auctioneer to set up an auction on your cars and you fight with the bidders to get their prices higher. Next, you get into a dispute with a woman who's renting a house you're trying to sell. Unable to part with your T-Rex skull, you begin to unload some of your movie memorabilia. You go to a pawn shop and sell your superhero costume from "Kick-Ass," a pair of sunglasses from "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans" and a t-shirt from "Season of the Witch." You get into a fistfight with the pawn shop owner because he refuses to give you any money for the shooting script from "Knowing" and then you must fly your private helicopter to Washington D.C. before the IRS closes.
Level 4: THURSDAY: Seeking Just a Paycheck
Thursday begins with you getting the mail and receiving the script for "FireCop" the gritty story of a man who lives a double life, a crooked cop by day and an honest volunteer firefighter by night. Just like every script sent to Nicolas Cage, you immediately accept the role, but your manager convinces you to at least read the screenplay first. You begin to read the script and 'experience' the story as you go through it. You have to jump through plot holes, dodge cheesy lines of dialogue and do battle with hollow characters. Once you complete the script, you are thrilled with it, finding it to be an exciting challenge and a great way to pay for that new mastadon skeleton you've had your eye on. The only thing standing in your way is this level's boss, your manager, who's begging you not to take the role.
Level 5: FRIDAY: Raising A Reputation
Like always, Friday is dedicated to publicity events. You begin the day by going to the grocery store and pretending to buy things so that you'll be featured on this evening's edition of "Entertainment Tonight." After that, you head down to NBC studios to tape an appearance on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." After signing an autograph back stage, you sit on the couch and tell Jay a funny story about something your kid said while Jay makes a hilarious penis joke. That night, you attend the premiere of your newest film "The Sorcerer's Apprentice 2" where you reprise your role as Mickey Mouse. As you wonder why the crowd of fans continues to dwindle at all of your premieres, you fight off reporters who ask questions like "When are you going to retire?" and "Why don't you kill yourself?" During the film, your objective is to stop people from walking out of the theater. And the final enemy in this level is movie reviewer Richard Roeper, who hated your film and is going to give it a negative review.
Level 6: SATURDAY: Comic Con Air
Saturday morning begins with you battling through traffic to travel down to San Diego to attend this year's Comic Con. Your objective while there is to find an issue of Action Comics #1. You had sold your copy four years ago to pay an electric bill, and you will stop at nothing to get it back. Upon arriving at Comic Con, you must subdue angry nerds who hate you for butchering the character of Ghost Rider. You will also get into a fight with the managers of Comic Con who won't let you set up a booth for you to sign autographs. After spending thousands of dollars on back issues of "Luke Cage," and buying a Superman costume for you to wear around the house, you find it, Action Comics #1. The final battle is an all-out bidding war between you, Seth Green, Kevin Smith and Samuel L. Jackson over the first comic featuring the Man of Steel.
Level 7: SUNDAY: Bad Actor: Port of Call - The End of Your Career
On Sunday, you will do what Nicholas Cage does every Sunday: Drink heavily and watch your classic films to try to find out where you've gone wrong. The first objective in this level is to consume as much alcohol as you can before 9 a.m. Once you reach a 0.2 Blood-Alcohol-Level, you begin watching you're best films and you fight all the previous characters you've played to prove to yourself you're as good of an actor now as you were then. First, you have to fight your character from "Moonstruck," who is easily defeated because he has only one hand. Then, you battle your Oscar-winning role from "Leaving Las Vegas" who is armed with broken beer bottles. After him, you face H.I. McDunnough from "Raising Arizona" who has a pistol and can throw babies at you. Finally, after defeating your double roles from "Face/Off" and the badass Cameron Poe from "Con Air," you come face-to-face with the final Boss: your subconscious. If defeated, you blow your brains out, if you win, you live and get a call from your agent saying you've been offered the lead role in the new Superman franchise.