Basically it's what we all feared: the wicky wicky Wild Wild Hex!
I'm not nearly as knowledgeable about the source material behind Jonah Hex as many of the fans on this site, but as I watched the film, it quickly became obvious the people responsible for this adaptation were pulling from classic spaghetti western, Sergio Leone, and Clint Eastwood fare, and civil war legends/epics such as Jesse James, Wyatt Earp, The Outlaw Josey Wales, and even Gone With The Wind.
The first comic book western to hit the big screen; what could possibly go wrong you ask? apparently
everything
The GOOD:
You know there is something dreadfully wrong when Megan Fox is arguably one of the best things about the movie. Of course Malkovich, and Brolin bring their usual clout to the production; And there are small appearances for Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Wes Bentley (who I'm afraid his choices in cbm roles, have been less than stellar).
Megan Fox is in classic soft focus, and
frankly I must admit: she plays a good whore. I'd mention however, for all of her self proclaimed "superstardom", it doesn't come close to many of the other classic cowboy/whore romances. She
looks genuinely glamorous and fetching in this though, but her performance is still mostly stilted and monochromatic.
Visually, it's not a total loss. There are some well done cutscenes and stunning location shots.
There are a few very funny jokes, and Brolin's Hex has his own style of deadpan (pun intended).
The "visiting with the dead" scenes are done fairly effectively.
Being a bit of a history buff, they used the real "secret weapon" of the American south rebel forces that was "supposed to turn the tide of the war", for a story point. I was a bit impressed by this, because it's a relatively discovery, but I don't want to spoil it in case anyone ever watches the movie after the reviews.
None of these things go very far in redeeming the bad and the ugly.
The BAD:
I have far more bad things about this movie to say than good, which is unfortunate. I was anxiously awaiting this addition to the Comic Book Movie genre, along with many others here I expect, because had it been done exceptionally well - it could have potentially filled a gigantic hole.
With the "embarrassment of riches" offered up in the cast, how could things go so wrong? Well, if it's not the cast, you know where the blame belongs: production/direction. Who the hell knows what happened, but
a large portion of the film looks and feels like a bad music video. And where I'm sure most of us would rather have seen a "cbm western" in the style of Eastwood, we get one in the style of Michael Bay - it's so much like him it almost makes you wonder, is it Michael Bay under a pseudonym?
Anyway, I would definitely categorize Hex (Brolin) himself under
ugly, but that's just his appearance, and not his fault. The makeup job is b-movie bad, and with no "dodgy eye", often it just looks stupid. It has the effect of looking like an actor wearing a prosthetic, trying to act like a tough ass, who doesn't want to look like he's wearing a prosthetic, nor does he really want to even be wearing it (lol). Again, I think the signature green eye would've made it potentially even cool, but unbelievably they just left it looking like Brolin forgot to wipe the playdough off his face. At times it's so bad, and looks so fake, it's literally laughable.
The UGLY:
The story is non existent. The pacing and timing of everything is completely screwed up, things are under explained or just not explained at all, and it's just a mess.
Malkovich clumsily fumbling around with his big orange balls, that are not even explained other than something like: "weapons of great destruction". It's ridiculous, pathetic, and does end up looking like Dragonball Z meets the Wild Wild West.
We've already seen what happens when "the guy with the trick face takes a drink", done much more effectively with Two Face in
The Dark Knight. (possibly a blatant ripoff)
Some of the props are literally visibly plastic, which I didn't know was already prolific and readily available during the late 19th century.
And those visibly plastic pre nineteen-hundred props are super original designs; mini crossbows, the famous horse gatlin' guns, and what else?... that's it I think.
The scoring is poorly cued, distracting, and often takes you out of the movie.
I'm not going to go spend my time investigating this, but there were extensive reshoots; it really seems to show? I think some ripoffs were "reshot" and inserted.
I will not go so far to accuse the script writers of plagiarism, but there's a "fight" scene that's out of place and beyond eerily similar to that in Sherlock Holmes (2009), just way more stupid, and even the crux of the plot and ending is steeped in similarities to that film. It's almost like they went, "hey let's rip off Jesse James, Josey Wales, every western ever made, and to put a new "spin" on things. we'll throw in some DragonballZ, and that cool looking fight from Sherlock Holmes, but oh man, we don't possess the skill to successfully do that. Oh well, they ate up Ghost Rider, they'll eat this up".
I expect most of the obvious problems cropped up in post production and editing, because I just don't see most of these actors signing on for this or being excited about the final product. It's a mess. The whole thing seems a rush job, and honestly, some of the performances are just sub par and what seem like poorly chosen takes. It seems as though someone was attempting a "fresh spin" on a cbm that ends up taking a step back and in the wrong direction from Nolan's Batman, Iron Man, Watchmen, Kick Ass, etc.
This is true to the comic book version of Hex which could be any of Clint Eastwood's archetypal nihilistic antihero "won't go out of his way to let innocent people get killed, but doesn't really care about anything" characters, with playdough and dogcrap slapped on his face. As much as I hate to say it, if they'd have just ripped off any Sergio Leone film, they'd have been better off.
DC now has its less than mediocre equivalent to rival Marvel's mediocre Ghost Rider; pity, it had such potential...
Like a very long Michael Bay music video. I wouldn't advise paying full price. Probably being generous:
2 out of 5