Here is my video review. It is my first time, be gentle.
Here is the version from Youtube, hopefully it will work.
Here is a version from CBM's own video uploader.
And last but not least here is the text of it because Youtube is not working.
Well… where to start with this one?
The tagline is “Revenge gets ugly” Well, I’m not sure about revenge, but the film sure was ugly. It was the worst thing I have seen since that Bea Arthur sex tape (**** you Deadpool!)
I will start with tone.
This film is rather tongue in cheek, at least I hope that is what they were going for. Jonah Hex is a gritty, bad ass, cynical, no nonsense kinda guy in the books. Here he is somewhat gritty but is more of a bad Clint Eastwood parody, not that I am saying Brolin was bad. What I wanted to see in the film was a dark, gritty, deep western. I always envisioned a Jonah Hex movie being a cross between “Once Upon a Time in the West” and “Unforgiven”. This was definitely not that.
The plot needs to be fleshed out, it jumps around far to much for my liking. Perhaps it is because the movie is only 81 minutes long. WB billed hex as “an epic adventure thriller about one man’s personal quest for redemption against the vast canvas of the battle between good and evil.” 81 minutes is no where near epic. “Once Upon a Time in the West” is epic “The Searchers” is epic, this was a bad parody of an epic movie. “Blazing Saddles” is more epic than this movie, and more of a western than Hex is.
My next complaint is the effects. I honestly don’t think the writers did any research beyond looking at pictures of saloon girls. There are too many random explosions, the weapons don’t make since, and some defy the laws of physics/nature. This of course being the dynamite crossbow and the horse mounted Gatling guns. The crossbow would not be able to properly launch the stick of dynamite the distance that the film shows, or with the accuracy. And the Gatling guns… no horse would allow a pair of hundred pound guns mounted onto them. And the horse would not be still, guns are loud, horses don’t like loud noises, I should know, I made the mistake of trying to hunt from horseback, I got a concussion.
Now onto the acting, this movie would have died if not for Josh Brolin and John Malkovich. They are the only reasons to see the movie. John Malkovich is absolutely perfect for the Turnbull the movie gave us. He has a flair for villains.
Brolin was a joy to watch as Jonah Hex. While I still would have preferred Thomas Jane for the role, Brolin was still good. Brolin was entertaining as Hex, you can tell he tried to bring some credibility to the role, and it showed… barely. The film barely allowed you to see the merit of his performance, it was lost in plot holes, inconsistencies and Megan Fox.
Ah Megan, don’t think I forgot about you my dear, because as hard as I try I can’t, **** it. Her acting was passable. It would be sufficient for a bad Bruce Campbell movie, not one of the good ones, the bad ones. My biggest complaint would be her god awful attempt at a Southern/ Western accent. As a proud Son of the South, I know the sweet sound of a lovely young southern belle. Megan Fox sounded as Southern as Peirce Brosnan. But I will say that Megan has found a role suited for her, that of a prostitute.
I will say this, the writers should be tried for murder! They have killed what could have been a great film. They ruined one of the greatest and most unique comic book characters in existence. Jonah hex always seemed like he should be an easy comic to translate to film, but no, they ruined it. It is depressing how much potential was lost in this film. It is without redemption.
I think I may have realized why the last two DC films have been bad, this and “The Losers” that is. I liked the Losers, but it was too different from the books, too light and abstract. I found the common link, Producer Akiva J. Goldsman. Let us examine his previous comic related exploits shall we? Here are the other comic films he has been involved with :
Batman Forever -Writer
Batman & Robin- Writer (WTF DC? WTF?!?!?!?)
Lost in Space- Producer, writer
Constantine- Producer
Hancock- Producer
The Losers- Producer
Jonah Hex- Producer
He has had good films, but his comic related resume is terrible! Why the hell is WB letting this guy near comic book films? All of them, save for Hancock, have been critically panned! He is like a comic cancer! Sure he gave us “A beautiful Mind” and “Da Vinci Code” but still!
The soundtrack was odd. I have always wondered about a rock/ metal soundtrack in a Western, but it seems I must keep wondering, because I don’t consider this to be a real western. The soundtrack was ill fitted, but perhaps with a better movie, one with a different tone, it could work.
Now for my rating of the movie. As for its merit as a film, I give it a 1 out of 5. This is because of it’s plot with more holes than a cheese grater, and overall lack of consistency.
My personal rating of the film would be a 0 out of 5. I recommend that you not see this film and wait for the animated DC film starring Thomas Jane as Jonah Hex. That will be the movie the character deserves!
The film is a trainwreck, not suited for a summer release, especially on the same day as Toy Story 3, which will bring home an easy 100 million this weekend.
Fly high true beleivers.
HAWK out