When Anne Hathaway was announced as Catwoman for The Dark Knight Rises, I was pleased for a multitude of reasons. Ever since TDK ended, I had been saying that I wanted to see Catwoman done again because I felt that as a character she deserved it. I was a big fan of what Michelle Pfeiffer did with the character in Batman Returns but I wanted to see a version of Catwoman closer to the comics. Well, Catwoman got her own movie in 2004 which was anything but close to the comics.
I had gone years without watching the Catwoman movie, and I was sure I would never see it. But after hearing she would be in TDKR, I realized that I really didn't know much about the character. The more I looked into Catwoman in the comics, the more I became overcome with a sort of morbid curiosity about her movie. Finally, I couldn't resist anymore, I decided that I had to see Catwoman. First, just to say I did, second, because when TDKR I want to be able to compare all of the actresses that played the role, and finally, because I love bad movies.
Thankfully, my brother loves bad movies too. Not in the ironic "They're so bad they're kinda fun" way that I like them, but more like in the "I have bad taste in movies" kind of way. So, yeah, my brother has Catwoman on DVD so I didn't have to go far to get it. So I popped it into my DVD player and decided to share my Catwoman movie viewing going experience with the rest of the web just so that I may prevent other foolish people (like me) from viewing this movie. So, I recorded my thoughts and criticisms and now here they are... my Catwoman running diary!
7:28: PM: Okay, here we go. DVD is in!
7:30 PM: Oh God, I know this is going to be bad just from the DVD Menu. The effects look like bad PS2 graphics. Ironically, I'm watching this on my old PS2.
7:31 PM: Egyptian Hieroglyphics in the opening credits, WTF?
7:32 PM: Okay then, a magic Egyptian cat has something to do with it from the credits. The credits aren’t even over and I’m already dreading this.
7:33 PM: Catwomen throughout history, saving people? Is this a twelve years old’s fan fiction
7:34 PM: Three people worked on this screenplay…why?
7:36 PM: An evil cosmetics company? I still can’t get over that.
7:37 PM: Halle Berry as a frumpy nobody? Only in Hollywood. Sharon Stone doesn’t seem to be trying. And of course one of the villains has a evil British accent.
7:42 PM: This feels like a bad rom-com and not a superhero movie, sigh…
7:43 PM: Even the CGI used for the buildings is bad! Good lord, did they even try?
7:45 PM: I think they took a rom-com script and just put the heroine in a costume. Good lord, why isn’t there anything super in this yet?
7:47 PM: “I will never, ever, ever wear that leather outfit!” subtle movie. Subtle.
7: 49 PM: The beauty cream decays the skin, is this company backed by the Umbrella Corporation?
7:50 PM: I’m pretty sure if the company paid Patience off to keep her mouth shut, everything would be okay. But all corporations are evil, and don’t value human life, or profits, or investors.
7:52 PM: She’s dead! The movie is over! Whew, that wasn’t so bad.
7:53 PM: Wait, bad CGI cat, what are you doing?
7:53 PM: And the cat brings her back to life. This is something I would watch on a Saturday night on SyFy.
7:54 PM: Once again… WHO CAME UP WITH THIS!
7:56 PM: That was a terrible jumping effect. Never do that again movie. Please.
7:57 PM: The cat brings her back and suddenly all of her clothes are form fitting! Magic!
7:58 PM: Aw she stood up the cop. And she kicks out the magic cat. Way to be ungrateful.
7:59 PM: I still can’t get past this. A magic cat that brought her to life and gave her powers. I’ve seen this movie before, it’s called The Crow, and that did it much better.
8:01 PM: Her evil British boss went and burned down an orphanage after she told him off. Then he ate a puppy. Because he’s evil.
8:02 PM: She hissed at a dog... was that supposed to be funny?
8:03 PM: What is the plot of this movie? Really? Can anyone help me?
8:05 PM: She visits the cop while he’s working with kids. How cute, and I have yet to see any super heroics in this movie.
8:06 PM: this basketball flirtation scene makes the playground fight scene in Daredevil look like something out of Citizen Kane.
8:08 PM: Now she’s eating tuna from the can. That’s one of the least sexy things I’ve ever seen.
8:10 PM: Now she’s going to go tell the annoying neighbors from earlier off, and who didn’t see that coming from a mile away?
8: 11 PM: She kicks down the dude’s door and messes up his sound system. That’s just wrong in so many ways.
8:12 PM: “Time to accessorize” worst superhero one-liner ever.
8: 13 PM: Did she want to look like a prostitute? Because if so, then she’s totally pulling it off.
8:14 PM: “You thought you could come in here and steal all of these pretty things? What a purrrrrrfect idea?” Kill me now…
8:15 PM: Suuper heroics! She foiled a robbery! But she didn’t foil the bad CGI.
8:16 PM: Well she foiled the robbery only to end up taking the jewels herself... Well, it is Catwoman so I’ll let that one slide.
8:17 PM: And she goes to Google for answers! Google! The lazy screenwriter’s favorite tool.
8:20 PM: The crazy cat lady gives her the rest of the answers. Why am I not surprised?
8:21 PM: Is that a picture of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman among the photos of past Catwomen? It’s kind of a cool reference but it also pains me to think that this takes place in the same universe as the first two awesome Batman movies.
8:23 PM: Sweet Jesus, I think I’ve seen superhero pornos that had more modest costumes (and better effects) than the one she’s wearing.
8:24 PM: This came out the same year as “Spider-Man 2”. Look at sequence of her jumping around the city, and then compare it with footage of Spider-Man swinging and you would think this came out five years earlier.
8:25 PM: So wait she didn’t remember who killed her, and now suddenly she does? And why does no one at this bar question some S&M themed cat lady running around?
8:26 PM: I’ve seen student films that have better choreographed fight scenes than this one.
8:28 PM: HOW CAN ANYBODY TAKE HER SERIOUSLY IN THAT COSTUME? I’m surprised one of her enemies hasn’t tried slipping a dollar bill down her bra.
8:32 PM: A romantic carnival scene, oh lord save me…
8:33 PM: Now the Ferris wheel goes crazy and Catwoman is thrust into action to save the kid. This isn’t cliché at all.
8: 36 PM: I take back my call for super heroics from earlier just because the action scenes are worse than the non-action scenes.
8:37 PM: Halle Berry and Sharon Stone: Battle of the hamminess!
8:38 PM: I still can’t get over that costume. Halle berry hamming it up doesn’t help either.
8:40 PM: Her cop boyfriend sucks at fighting crime just as much as she does. It’s a match made in heaven.
8:41 PM: I don’t even know how to describe that last fight scene, it was just that bad. No sense of excitement or danger, nothing at stake. Just… nothing…
8:42 PM: Out of Sharon Stone and Halle Berry, I still don’t know who’s giving the worse performance.
8:44 PM: Back to the romance that I’m soooo invested in! Will she get the cop despite her duel identity? I’m sure no one will care…
8: 45 PM: These two make the kids in “Twilight” look absolutely riveting.
8: 46 PM: Sex scene! Or not…
8:48 PM: He banged her and then slipped out in the middle of the night. Smooth.
8:49 PM: Hmm Catwoman, this doesn’t seem like a trap at all…
8:50 PM: Sharon Stone, why do you suck so bad? And why are you explaining you’re whole evil plan? This movie is like a Bad Villain 101 course.
8:51 PM: Why is Catwoman sad at being framed for killing the person she wanted to kill in the first place? She’s already a criminal so she shouldn’t be worried!
8:52 PM: Catwoman is arrested! Justice is served!
8:56 PM: Please don’t tell me she escapes by slipping through the bars…
8:57 PM: She escapes by slipping through the bars!
8:58 PM: Catwoman adds grand theft auto to her ever growing list of charges.
8:59 PM: Who thought this costume was a good idea? Really? Who thought that dressing like a stripper would strike fear into the hearts of the wicked?
9:01 PM: Why does Sharon Stone want to protect a product that’s going to kill off her customer base and end up costing her millions of dollars? You think her company’s long term well being would be more important than making a release date.
9:03 PM: Girlfight!
9:04 PM: A hip-hop song during a fight scene? That works.
9:06 PM: “It’s overtime!” Who writes these one-liners?
9:07 PM: That was one of the worst fight scenes I’ve ever seen. At many points it looked like Catwoman (or her stunt woman) missed a punch or kick and they attempted to use flashy editing to make it look like a hit. Not flashy enough though.
9:09 PM: And Catwoman goes off into the night to fight crime some more. And steal jewelry when she feels like it. But guess what? It’s over!
Whew and it's over! Catwoman ladies and gentlemen! I know Ann Hathaway has some haters out there that are saying that she's wrong for the part. Well, to you haters, I say this: Watch this movie. After this travesty, things can only go up. Unlike whoever made this movie, Christopher Nolan has talent and respect for source material. So that's my words of advice, whenever you question Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, just watch this movie.