Superhero Used Car Sales
By
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com
Batmobile
This listing is for a completely customized crime-fighting machine. The Batmobile comes standard with machine gun turrets, smoke bombs, a turbo jet engine and a batpod ejector vehicle in case of an emergency. This car is jet black and comes with a stealth mode as well, making it virtually invisible at night. This car is perfect for scaling rooftops, running down villains or just picking up your dry cleaning. Notice: If you've checked the Carfax report on this vehicle and are cautious about buying it, do not worry. Yes, in 1992 the computer system was hacked into by a bird-man, and in 2005 it was involved in a high-speed police chase, and it was self-destructed as recently as 2008, but all the necessary repairs have been made along with a number of upgrades, including new features and a completely updated computer mainframe. So if you're in the market for the coolest superhero car ever, check out the Batmobile.
Fantasticar
This 1962 custom-built flying car is the perfect way for your super-powered family to travel. Features include a bullet-proof windshield, the ability to reach speeds up to 550mph, and it can also be taken into space for when you need to pursue naked silver guys on surfboards. The most impressive feature on this car is the ability to split into four different little cars for missions where you need to split up or if you and your family are fighting and you just need your space. This car does activate by remote control as long as there is no interference from Latvian dictators. It is also completely fireproof and can hold drivers who weigh up to 800lbs, though it can be vulnerable to nearsighted Mole-Men, so watch out for them. Act now and the Fantasticar can be yours! (note: you don't have to call it the Fantasticar if you don't want to)
Superman's Pod
Don't miss out on this Kryptonian escape pod. It is a vintage model that is no longer made, so don't pass this up this great deal. This pod is able to travel across galaxies in very short periods of time, which is perfect for heading away from planets that are about to explode. The interior of the pod has many features to keep an infant occupied, like a mobile, a teething ring and a comb to keep their hair perfectly curled in the front. There is some damage to the pod, it crash landed on earth decades ago and there is still some cracks and dents from that event. It also hasn't been very well maintained, it was used as a horse trough on a Kansas farm for about six years, so it's not really what you would call "like-new" condition. You may also have a hard time finding parts for it being that any garage that would have serviced it disintegrated a long time ago. But, if you are interested, stop by the old Kent farm in Smallville, Kansas and if you decide to buy, our son will even help you carry it home.
Turtle Van
For sale is this 1987 modified Volkswagen van, perfect for giant mutant turtles, wise old rats and even sexy news reporters. Along with a totally awesome custom paint job, this van comes complete with satellite TV, tracking devices and built-in charger for your TurtleCom (not compatible with the iPhone). This is the perfect vehicle for traveling around New York City and can be easily parked in the nearest sewer. The roof slides open on this party wagon and the side door can fold down to release bombs to drop on robot ninjas. It is in fair condition with some wear and tear, including a few bullet holes, a dent in the bumper from an angry rhinoceros and pizza stains on the seats that cannot be removed. Buy this now and show everyone it's like to drive with Turtle Power! (Note: van runs on regular, unleaded gasoline, not turtle power).
Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet
Looking to get rid of this one-of-a-kind invisible jet. It has a lot of impressive features like being completely undetectable by radar, the ability to shoot projectiles and travel into outer space. The jet is in good condition, I think, it's difficult to tell with invisible vehicles. It was last flown two years ago and it worked well then. It is currently located somewhere in my back yard on my property on Themyscira. I need to make room for a pool so I'm looking to free up some space. It's a very reliable vehicle which has served me well for years, but there are a few drawbacks. Invisible jets can be very hard to control, not being able to see the gas or the brake or anything else can be complicated. And, if you are planning on using this for spy missions, it is invisible, but you can still be seen flying it, so you look rather conspicuous sitting in midair trying to sneak into an enemy compound or something. But, I'm not asking to get anything for it, so if you're interested, and you can find it, it's yours.
Ghost Rider's Motorcycle
Constructed of pure Hellfire, this motorcycle is like no other in the physical realm. By harnessing the power of the Spirits of Vengeance, this bike can scale walls, drive over water and travel at speeds well beyond the fastest Harley. When you start this bike, not only do you hear the engine roar, but it will burst into flames (perfect for winter weather!) making this cycle from hell the most frightening vehicle on the planet, perfect for hunting down evil. So slip on your leather jacket and come give this baby a test-drive. This flaming motorcycle can make anyone look cool, even burned-out hack actors who haven't made a good movie in 20 years. This awesome bike can be yours for no money down! All we'll need is your soul.
Bruce Banner's Honda Civic
For sale by owner is this 2003 Honda Civic. The car has only 78,000 miles on it and still runs fine, just looking to replace a car I have simply outgrown. It has an automatic transmission and power locks and windows. It is green with a purple trim. There is some standard wear and tear on the vehicle, but nothing to be alarmed about. The roof has been busted through from the inside, both doors on the driver side have been torn off, the windshield is gone, the hood is smashed in and the steering wheel is in three pieces, but who among us hasn't gotten a little road rage? This car was briefly confiscated by the U.S. Army but it was recently returned to me and I'm looking sell it to buy some pairs of stretchy pants. Act now and this car can be yours and don't worry, it was only briefly exposed to Gamma Rays.
Bumblebee
For sale, used Autobot, complete with two forms, a 1984 Volkswagen Beetle and a youthful, energetic warrior. With his compact size he is a perfect vehicle for recon and spy missions. He comes complete with his own laser blaster and AM/FM radio which can come in handy if he damages his voice box. Though he does have a tendency to not listen to orders and get himself into trouble, owners inevitably fall in love with him, so you'll be happy to have him by your side, even if he does inadvertently lead Decepticons back to your hideout. This Autobot is priced to sell and no refunds are available. We are making room for cooler robots, so we cannot take him back if you are dissatisfied. (Seller's note: no, a Camaro version is NOT available, so please don't email us to find out).
KITT
For sale by owner is the Knight Industries Two Thousand. A modified 1982 Pontiac Trans Am, this model was hugely popular throughout the 80's in both the U.S. and Germany. KITT comes equipped with smoke bombs, a flamethrower, an ejector seat, a convertible roof and a great surround-sound system which you can use to sing along to "Hooked On A Feeling" as loud as you want. KITT is not just a car though. It's a highly advanced Artificial-Intelligence system which can assist you in fighting crime or help boost your ego when you lament the direction of your acting career. The perfect car and the perfect friend, KITT also can dispense money to you when you need some extra cash for hamburgers and booze. Hurry and buy now, I need the money, otherwise I'll be forced to do more episodes of "Young and the Restless."
Spider-Mobile
Barely used, this custom built Spider-Mobile is as new as the day it was built (though there is some dust). It has great features like an ejector seat, a web shooter and it can be driven up walls. With a slick red and blue paint job, this one-of-a-kind car is great for ALMOST any crime fighter. A note though, it is not great for just any superhero. If you're a hero who has to swiftly move around a crowded metropolitan area that has dense traffic, this is not the vehicle for you. It also is pointless to have a car if you car easily web-sling from skyscraper to skyscraper and cover city blocks in mere minutes. It's also terribly hard to find a place to park the damn thing when you live in a small Manhattan apartment on the lower east side. So, if any of those descriptions apply to you, skip the Spider-Mobile and leave the cool cars for billionaire-playboys who have waterfalls to park it under.